Amberbelle1 Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 Hi I am new, please be gentle. Been seeing a mm for two years. He has two children and a wife I don't know. I am single. I feel very controlled by my mm, or maybe the situation is controlling? 1) I never know when he will call me, he calls me then hangs up for me to call him back- my phone bill is huge. He calls when he knows I am out with family and friends- this annoys me now as it makes it very awkward. If I don't call him back straight away he gets weird and makes me feel bad. I have stopped socialising because I don't want to miss his call. 2) he won't meet me in public always at my home. 3) he has told me he will not leave his wife 100 percent. The children are the reason why he told me. Those are just a few to start with. I know all of the above is not healthy, I am not sure what I am getting from this relationship any more. I can't seem to give him up. I am so lonely but he does not know. I pretend everything is okay to him but this is making me feel so sad. I don't feel like I can tell him how sad I am. I don't know why I can't say anything? I feel frozen in time. Why can't I end it? I know its not going to go anywhere and I am wasting precious time. Help. What is this logic? Amber belle. Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 You highlighted so much. You pointed out so many things that aren't working and reasons you should leave. You should listen to yourself and find the courage to get out. Don't limit yourself to be only a "function" within your MM's life. You are a person. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sidney2718 Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 Hi I am new, please be gentle. Been seeing a mm for two years. He has two children and a wife I don't know. I am single. I feel very controlled by my mm, or maybe the situation is controlling? 1) I never know when he will call me, he calls me then hangs up for me to call him back- my phone bill is huge. He calls when he knows I am out with family and friends- this annoys me now as it makes it very awkward. If I don't call him back straight away he gets weird and makes me feel bad. I have stopped socialising because I don't want to miss his call. 2) he won't meet me in public always at my home. 3) he has told me he will not leave his wife 100 percent. The children are the reason why he told me. Those are just a few to start with. I know all of the above is not healthy, I am not sure what I am getting from this relationship any more. I can't seem to give him up. I am so lonely but he does not know. I pretend everything is okay to him but this is making me feel so sad. I don't feel like I can tell him how sad I am. I don't know why I can't say anything? I feel frozen in time. Why can't I end it? I know its not going to go anywhere and I am wasting precious time. Help. What is this logic? Amber belle. Forgive me, but I am going to be very blunt. You can't end it because he owns you. You exist for his pleasure. In return you feel wanted, but in fact he gives you nothing. Right now you are an adolescent boy's wet dream. You don't even have a social life any more. EVERYTHING you do depends on him -- and I'd bet that you do exactly what he asks. My advice would be to get your life back and drop him. It will be very very hard because he is used to controlling you and will make you feel awful. But you are a person, a living human being and you are valuable. There is a whole life out there for you. Yes, it will be hard. Counseling will help. Is there a close friend that will be supportive that you could also turn to. And we here will always be available. Think of this like a drug addiction. You are addicted to the OM, even if he is ruining your life. Again, sorry for being so direct and blunt. But you need to hear it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
irishguy Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 You sound like you need counselling , you are putting your life on hold on the chance he will contact you .Seriously u need to end it now and find someone who actually likes you and doesnt just want to control you . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 You're stuck in a very unhealthy affair (not that affairs are healthy but yours is definitely bad) and your MM has complete control over you, to the point where you've stopped living your life (all the meanwhile he's still living his life with his wife and kids) and wait by the phone for his call. Makes me really sad that you've allowed him to have so much power over you. I say this with kindness and compassion, please seek counseling to help you end your affair with him. NO good can come of you hanging onto him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 The relationship you have is the relationship you have today. The future doesn't exist. Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 It will get better once you're done and out of your extremely toxic relationship. This A is doing nothing for you, it doesn't satisfy you and you are not happy. Please take a step out (go on a holiday or overseas somewhere, just go away) where he cannot reach you. Being away might help you sort out what you want in your life and regain "you". You do not need someone like him to control your life. Only you have the power to decide that. Take back your control. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted December 29, 2014 Share Posted December 29, 2014 I feel very controlled by my mm, or maybe the situation is controlling? 1) I never know when he will call me, he calls me then hangs up for me to call him back- my phone bill is huge. He calls when he knows I am out with family and friends- this annoys me now as it makes it very awkward. If I don't call him back straight away he gets weird and makes me feel bad. I have stopped socialising because I don't want to miss his call. 2) he won't meet me in public always at my home. 3) he has told me he will not leave his wife 100 percent. The children are the reason why he told me. 1) You're giving him all the power over you. Don't ever let a man, or anyone for that matter, do that. Socializing is one of the most important and healthiest aspects of life, and you've stopped doing it so what, you can talk to a man who is quite obviously by your post making you miserable? He makes you feel terrible for not calling back, but let me guess- you also feel terrible if he says he's going to call and he doesn't? 2) Because this isn't a real relationship. Having said that, let me say, there are some affairs where MM will be seen out in public with their OW, because they just don't give a sh*t. This is not one of those situations, which leads me to... 3) A weak excuse if there ever was one, in my happy opinion. He will not leave his wife because he wants the best of both words. He knows he has power over you, he knows you will ask "how high?" when he says "jump!", and quite frankly, he wants to keep getting in your pants. If he *truly* was not happy in his marriage, he would leave, kids or not. He would still be in their lives, it's not like he's dying and leaving them forever. Go to counseling to work on getting out of this. As someone else said above, affairs are not necessarily healthy, but this sounds extremely damaging to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted December 29, 2014 Share Posted December 29, 2014 Why in the world are your phone bills huge? So not only are you allowing this dude to own you emotionally, you are sacrificing your financial well being for a dude who treats you like poorly? Please open your eyes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 29, 2014 Share Posted December 29, 2014 Why can't you tell him how unhappy you are? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amberbelle1 Posted December 29, 2014 Author Share Posted December 29, 2014 Thank you to all who have replied. It has been a real eye opener and i think you have all confirmed what I deep down new. I have taken a step to see find a councillor. I will keep you all posted how I get on. I know this toxic affair has to end, as life is so precious and I need to start living. Thank you all. X 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amberbelle1 Posted January 4, 2015 Author Share Posted January 4, 2015 I have a question for the other ow. What are the boundaries for the communication with your mm? Are you allowed to text/call him or do you have to wait for him to text/call you? With my mm it's all on his terms. When he feels like he wants to speak or text me he will. ( he does communicate a lot) I just wondered if ow on here are in the same position about contact? As I have said in earlier post i find it very controlling. Got my appointment with a counsellor next week. Taking each day with little steps. Knowing this is no longer working for me emotionally has been my first step! X Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 You are a pawn in somebody else's game. Free yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 I have a question for the other ow. What are the boundaries for the communication with your mm? Are you allowed to text/call him or do you have to wait for him to text/call you? With my mm it's all on his terms. When he feels like he wants to speak or text me he will. ( he does communicate a lot) I just wondered if ow on here are in the same position about contact? As I have said in earlier post i find it very controlling. Got my appointment with a counsellor next week. Taking each day with little steps. Knowing this is no longer working for me emotionally has been my first step! X Glad you found a counselor! Why not set up any relationship on YOUR terms? You are important - you deserve to get out of any relationship what you need/want! Since this MM isn't fulfilling YOUR needs - why not quit all communications with him? That would leave space for a new and available man to enter your life. I hope you will. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Of course everything is on his terms. He doesn't want to get caught and blow up his life. So he makes sure he's safe before you have contact. Your feelings are of no consequences to him, but you did decide to become involved with a MM. Did you expect to have sleepovers? How did you expect this to play out? Sorry for your pain. Save yourself and end it. Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 I have a question for the other ow. What are the boundaries for the communication with your mm? Are you allowed to text/call him or do you have to wait for him to text/call you? With my mm it's all on his terms. When he feels like he wants to speak or text me he will. ( he does communicate a lot) I just wondered if ow on here are in the same position about contact? As I have said in earlier post i find it very controlling. Got my appointment with a counsellor next week. Taking each day with little steps. Knowing this is no longer working for me emotionally has been my first step! X I work (ugh) with my (now) exMM so we would always just meet at work. He had my phone number, but surprise surprise, I never had his. He never used my number. That is something that royally pissed me off though, that he had mine but never gave me his. It's not like I would ever use it, but it made me so mad that everything was always on *his* terms. You know why? Because I was nothing but a convenience to him. Then one day, I woke the f$#k up and realized that I, not to mention my marriage, am worth 10x this. I'm glad you found a counselor and have an appointment. Please break free of this. Link to post Share on other sites
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