Reconnected after 1y NC, don't know how to interpret situation

[mineral27]

I'm a long time lurker on this site - first time I started writing this post was few years ago. I apologize for being long, i've been trying to get it off my chest for quite some time ...

 

I met my ex 8 years ago, we're now both in our late twenties. There was an instant chemistry between us, we began dating soon after we first met and were together for 3 years. He was all I ever wanted in a guy, in terms of personality, wits, physical attraction, common interests and goals in life. He seemed to found what he was looking for in me, too. We were very much in love and connected more than I ever thought possible. I felt this was it ... for good.

 

However, we broke up 4.5 years ago, not because anything serious, but because we were both young and immature. We didn't know how to resolve petty stuff that kept piling up until the whole relationship became too exhausting. We were very close and none of us had the strength to break the contact after BU. We still saw each other often and talked almost every day, but nothing more happened, although the attraction was still very present. We tried dating other people, but couldn't move on. Numerous times I thought he was really over me while I secretly wished to get back together, then I thought I was over him and it was the other way around. We had feelings for each other, but it was still too hard to start again. This went on for 2.5 years after BU. At that point I fell in love with a new guy, or so I thought. I never explicitly told ex about the new guy, but he noticed things changed. After half a year, I realized this new guy was not at all what I thought he was and that I still have feelings for the ex.

 

Just couple of weeks before I ended it with the new guy, ex confessed to my brother that he feels guilty that we broke up and knows there is no better girl than me. (This was 3 years after BU) After 3 more months, when the new guy was long out of the picture, my brother told me about ex's confession. I felt this is the chance for us to finally get back together ... What I didn't know was that during this time my ex started dating a new girl (he already knew her when making confession to my brother, but weren't together then). When I found out, I felt my heart was going to explode, I was completely devastated. In panic, I poured my heart out to him, which turned out to be a drama scene I'm not proud of. I was acting immature and selfish, especially considering he had just gotten into a new relationship. Even back then, I knew he'd be angry with me for doing this, and wouldn't change his mind. Even if he'd been single at the time and even if he still had feelings for me, he was determined we couldn't make it work. (Looking back I know he was right, since I was an emotional wreck back then, having a lot of my own issues.) Yet, he told me it took him 3 years to finally get over me and that the only reason he started dating this new girl was because she was completely different than me. She was the first one he couldn't compare with me - and he didn't even want to. I realized he made the decision to move on, although I could see he still had feelings for me.

 

I decided it was better to break all contact, it was just too painful. We went NC for almost a year, except for 'happy birthday' texts. I focused on my own life, I didn't know what was going on in his. I got busy - I started doing sports on a daily basis, engaged in hobbies I enjoy, finished master studies, but mostly had a lot of fun. I met incredible people, some of which became close friends who influenced my life in a very good way. My outlook on life has pretty much shifted, as I am much more relaxed, open and happy with myself. (Also, the 'new guy' and two other exes returned for their second chance during this time. I had no contact with any of them, none of those former relationships were particularly meaningful - I found these situations hard to understand.)

 

All in all, going NC was the best decision I made, it gave me distance I needed to resolve my own issues. But, in trying to not think about the ex, I got so very busy I never asked myself how much feelings for him still linger. Not intentionally, but I suppressed my emotions, which are now resurfacing again ...

 

- - -

 

So, after a year of NC, i ran into my ex 3 times in one month and on one occasion we even had a conversation for half an hour. It reminded me how much I missed him and was really happy to see him - he seemed excited and happy to see me, too. A week later I decided to contact him, to show there is no resentment from my side and that i wish best for him. I knew it was up to me to reinitiate the contact, since NC was solely my decision and he always respected that. It's now half a year since I wrote him, we started talking every now and then and went for a coffee few times.

 

However, for the last two months we have been talking almost every day and hanging out once a week. I feel we really reconnected, we seem to have fun together and engage in meaningful conversations. I have no idea if his gf knows or what she thinks, however, she has been studying abroad since september - but he doesn't keep it a secret that we are hanging out. In normal circumstances I would doubt if hanging out this much is a good idea, but the fact is that he's moving away to another country in two weeks - he's going away for good! (It's a different country than the one his gf is studying in. He's moving away by himself, she's finishing her studies abroad.)

 

However, my ex knows I am looking for a new job and has been convincing me to apply for a job in the town he's moving to. And that job really sounds like the job I always dreamed about ... it's a very tempting opportunity, but I fear that if I decide to apply, my feelings for ex might be influencing my decisions. So for now, I won't make any.

Does he think it's really a good decision considering other circumstances, i don't know. What I am sure of is that he wouldn't deliberately deceive or string me along, we have too much respect for each other to play games. I just feel there is still something between us, but I've been fighting these feelings because he's still with that girl. Now he's going away and I am just utterly confused what to do. Is there really more or am I imagining it? So many times I thought it's over and it wasn't. And even other guys that I didn't have such meaningful relationship with still came back years later for a second chance ... few even though they had been dating someone new, when they came back. I don't understand.

 

I honestly don't know what's the right thing to do anymore. I tried no contact for a year and i can honestly say i've grown a great deal. But after some time, NC had no more impact, except restraining me from resolving my feelings towards my ex. Of course, the overthinking that i had been doing for a long time before the NC period didn't help either, neither did pouring my heart out to him when he started dating a new girl. This was a bad idea for many reasons, it was a moment of panic and not how i even wanted to deal with the situation at all.

 

Anyway, at this point, I believe, none of the two extremes are the answer, neither ignoring (NC), neither forcing to resolve the feelings (mine or his). After meeting him again half a year ago, I thought to just be relaxed and go with the flow. I wanted to let things to happen naturally, even if that means (through) reconnecting in a friendly way. Now I feel time is running out and I don't what to think ... what to do?

 

 

...

 

 

Opinion?

 

Advice?

 

Your insight, a fresh perspective would be very appreciated.

Sorry for the long post, I've been chewing through this for a long time ...

Edited December 28, 2014 by mineral27

[Ieris]

I think he may have a soft spot for you but that isn't the same thing as wanting to get back with you. He has been with the other girl for quite some time now so I wouldn't do or ask anything to ruin things for him. I don't know how he behaves around you but he may just be trying to be friends. My ex and I have become best friends and we talk more than some couples do but its purely platonic.

 

I could be wrong but maybe you're reading more into it because you still want him??

[mineral27]

Thanks for replying.

 

I don't intend to do/ask anything atm ...

 

I know him well enough that even if he had still some feelings for me, he would probably follow with his decision to be with this girl - he puts effort in his relationships to work until the very end (he's a man of principles).

 

I am not saying that he necessarily has feelings for me and even then, wanting to be back together is another thing, I know. (For first 3 years after BU our friends expected us to get back together, feelings were there, but it was too hard to start anew. Anyway, he met her then.)

 

I don't want to assume anything. However, I feel we are not just like usual friends, maybe there's just something unresolved - we are very close, but we deliberately avoid physical contact. Like, I hug my other friends goodbye (even few I dated in the past, now it's completely platonic) and he does to. We always hugged goodbye before, but now we both avoid hugging as we part. Sometimes it seems to me there's this eye contact thing ... and usually I am blind for these signs.

 

No assumptions, but the fact that he's moving away in two weeks is a bit unsettling.

Edited December 29, 2014 by mineral27

[AnOldshoe]

Hey mineral,

 

I'm sorry you have been dealing with this problem for such a long time, and that you ex has also been integral into drawing this out ........ 4.5 years daaaayyyyuuuum!!!!

 

I too thought that I was going to spend the rest of my life with my girl of 3 years until she suddenly called it quits, right after I bought an engagement ring, bummer, at least I got 50% back, which is ok because I rather find this out now than in another 2 years or if we were to have kids. I haven't talked to her since day 2 of the breakup, I still miss her like crazy but there was one thing I read that has helped me enormously it was actually from Dr Phil lol

 

"There's a 50/50 chance a marriage is going to work if both people are head over heels in love, passionate and willing to climb the mountain, swim the river and slay the dragon to get to each other. That's with everybody crazy in love and running toward each other in that field that we see in the commercials. The problem you've got here is he's running the other way in the field! So if it's 50/50 when you're running toward each other, what do you think it is when the other person is running out of the field and hiding in the woods?"

 

If you think about your current situation with the above in mind.... Do you really think your ex is willing to do anything to be with you and therefore is this someone you are willing to continue to put all your heart into because in the long run the outcome doesn't look great. I'm sorry to say this but it sounds like he is stringing you along to make sure he has a second option in case his current relationship doesn't work out.

 

With the Dr Phil advice in mind if I was ever going to consider getting back with my ex she would have to put in the leg work to get me back, because then I would know that she is willing to climb a mountain to be with me, which is what I want in a partner. I'm just lucky she is not feeding me breadcrumbs although it would be nice to know that she was thinking of me sometimes. Watch this its meant for guys but I think you can apply the principles in your situation I like the bit where he says either way you f'ing win. You have to demonstrate your value.

 

 

It doesn't sound like you just want to be friends with your ex, "a friendship never works if one of you wants something more" I know the fear that if you stop talking to him he will forget you or think you have moved on ...... but I think the alternative is even worse.... floating around in the background hearing him complain about his current girlfriend for 4.5 years, I couldn't imagine anything worse..... torture.

 

I know it's hard but I think the best option is complete no contact, no birthday wishes, nothing, pretend he doesn't exist do what Corey Wayne says. Start getting out there and find someone who thinks the sun shines out your a$$. You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find the prince and I am sorry to say that he sounds like one of the frogs.

 

This will do one of two things you'll become the same happy person you were before, you will eventually find someone who can love you us much as you love them.... definitely when you least expect it Or the second thing is that you will become the same happy person you were before and your ex will finally realise how amazing you are.... and will hunt you down. Read this from life goes on

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/462922-if-you-want-them-back

 

Nothing less than I want to get back together!!!!!!! Because he is feeding you bs to keep you around. Change your number, delete him from Facebook, move!!!...

if you're easy to get you're easy to forget.

 

Either way complete no contact is your only option in the long term you can't live life like this for another 4 years. Either way you f'ing win haha

[mineral27]

Not to be confused, AnOldshoe, I am a happy person already, but of course fulfilling love life is always a plus

 

I know my value, but I don't communicate my worth to others by ignoring them (unless deserved). I communicate it by showing - and demanding - respect. I have zero tolerance for dishonesty, mistreatment or playing games.

This guy is truly a good guy, the ultimate 'sweetheart'. He's being honest, but perhaps he just enjoys my company and doesn't think too much about what it means. What I can tell you for sure is that he always had the utmost respect and admiration for me (and I for him). But yes, this is not the same as being in love or wanting to be with the person.

 

We are very close, really enjoy being around each other and I do feel this is more than just friendship. I know I have feelings for him, but I can't say for sure what his feelings are. He wouldn't try to string me along, but it's possible he either 1) honestly wants to keep me as a friend, 2) still has some feelings, but doesn't act upon them (at least for now) or 3) even he's not 100% sure about his feelings.

The second scenario I find particularly confusing since I know him enough to fear that even if he had some feelings for me, that he would insist staying with his current gf for the sake of loyalty and sticking with his decisions. He also wouldn't express any feelings for me, unless he was completely sure we could make it work this time.

The third scenario doesn't seem impossible at all, for what I know him. Then again, I've been there before myself, two years ago - I had been dating another guy for half a year, when the ex was still single and quietly hoping there are still feelings between us. At that time even I was surprised and confused by my own feelings. I think these situations are not that uncommon in general.

 

 

Many may not be prepared to admit, but it does seem to me some of the advice on LS is based upon oversimplified perceptions of love, while reality is rarely so black and white. (It was the oversimplified, idealistic views that caused me the most of relationship troubles in the past, after all.)

 

It's similar with generalization of this principle "Accept nothing less than 'I want to get back together!'".

I agree with it if 1) it's been weeks (or maybe months) after BU, but not years, and 2) if both parties involved are comfortable with such bold expression of love. I think this depends on the person, whether their way of expressing feelings is bold or more reserved. I know for me, my ex and many people out there this would feel way out of their character and if, if wanted to get back together, would take more reserved, gradual approach.

Another thing that is disregarded with this principle is the fact that you can't just pick up where you left off in a relationship years ago. If anything, you can start to build a new relationship with the same person.

 

 

To correct few of your incorrect assumptions about my situation though:

He's been with this new girl for 1.5 y, but almost never mentions her during conversations and I don't really inquire about their relationship.

Apart from actual live conversations, we only communicate via skype (text only). I don't have him on facebook or anything similar. And no, I don't stalk him online either

 

 

At this point, I think going completely NC would look foolish - it would wrongly appear as if I reinitiated contact with a specific agenda, that I was being dishonest with him this whole time and as if I don't value him other than as a boyfriend.

However, I can go LC, using the opportunity as he moves to another country in two weeks. Yet, until he moves away, I wish I could find out what he feels, but since he still has a gf, I can't do/ask anything ...

 

 

Thanks again for your opinions and advice, old shoe

In general I do agree with you, I also like the field metaphor for marriage/relationships

 

Sorry to hear about your situation, hope it works out well

Edited December 30, 2014 by mineral27

[mineral27]

How do I deal with my job situation?? I've told my brother and my best friend about the job opportunity in the town where my ex is now moving to and they encourage me to apply for the job. It's a very specific job, one I always dreamed about and doesn't even exist where I currently live. The thing is, if I apply and get the job, I will have to move to another country, to a very small town, where I would know no one except my ex (for now, he'll be there living alone and after half a year or so, probably with his gf). I just don't know if this is a good idea, I don't know what's the right thing to do ... ?

 

My ex was the one who told me about the opportunity (he's been convincing me too) and either way he would know if I'd took it ... I would be probably seeing him a lot of the time there, too. The last thing I'd want him to think is that I'd take the job because of him, but then again, the people who know me all know this is the kind of job I always wished for.

 

Any advice??

Edited January 1, 2015 by mineral27

[erklat]

How do I deal with my job situation?? I've told my brother and my best friend about the job opportunity in the town where my ex is now moving to and they encourage me to apply for the job. It's a very specific job, one I always dreamed about and doesn't even exist where I currently live. The thing is, if I apply and get the job, I will have to move to another country, to a very small town, where I would know no one except my ex (for now, he'll be there living alone and after half a year or so, probably with his gf). I just don't know if this is a good idea, I don't know what's the right thing to do ... ?

 

My ex was the one who told me about the opportunity (he's been convincing me too) and either way he would know if I'd took it ... I would be probably seeing him a lot of the time there, too. The last thing I'd want him to think is that I'd take the job because of him, but then again, the people who know me all know this is the kind of job I always wished for.

 

Any advice??

 

Job is integral part of your life and your personality if it is something that you like doing. It is of no concern what he thinks. You are ex partners. You

do not do things to provoke a reaction out of each other, you are doing this because you are living your own life.

[mineral27]

Job is integral part of your life and your personality if it is something that you like doing. It is of no concern what he thinks. You are ex partners. You

do not do things to provoke a reaction out of each other, you are doing this because you are living your own life.

 

Yes, I believe so, too. Yet, I worry - I still have feelings for him and seeing him often (which is very probable) isn't going to help. At the same time, I would have no one else there, no family, no friends, which would make everything even harder. I do want this job, but I just worry about the price I'll have to pay - I don't want to go through emotional hell because of it.