Am I overreacting to racist comment?

[mokabean]

Today my husband joked about the a course at the school where I work and our kids attend, "What's the deal with the Islamic Religion class... isn't going to turn them all into muslim extremists?"

 

To give some background:

A dear friend of mine was on the first plane to hit the twin towers. She was muslim. Much of her family could not attend the funeral as they were not letting muslims fly right after the attack. It has been part of my mission over the years to let people know that it is a small percent that are extremists and most are loving and caring humans. I have many muslim friends

 

Whenever people make racist or ignorant remarks about muslims (not extremist, but run of the mill), it pains me. I've had long talks with my husband about this. After his remark I lost it. He claims he has no memory of my friend who was killed being muslim. The only apology I have gotten was an unmeaningful shouted apology. He just keeps defending his comment.

 

I can't seem to let this one go. I am appalled that he could make such a statement and not have any self reflection about it. I am floored and disgusted.We've had a lot of arguments over money, kids, etc, but this one has hit a core that I can't seem to let go. How do I let it go?

[Cakess]

I think I would be offended if I were you also but the key thing to do in that moment is stay level headed and explain to that person exactly WHY the comment is ignorant and racist. It seems like the moment to do that had passed so you're just going to have to let it go. But if it comes up again, take the opportunity to educate on why you don't like when he says those things.

[USMCHokie]

Would it be ok if he genuinely harbored these feelings but just never made verbal comments about it in your presence...?

[Mangina]

I am confused. Was it a joke or did he mean it?

[aggie382]

First, Islam and those who practice it aren't a race, and thus comments about Islam, even if insulting, aren't racist. Islam is a faith practiced by all races all over the world.

 

Second, My father was Muslim, and was in the first tower hit.

 

The comment your husband made shows some ignorance, but also some legitimate fear given the state of the world. Even I would not be offended by it.

[preraph]

If he hadn't added the word "extremists," I'd agree with you. Every religion has its extremists and it's rarely ever a good thing and they're rarely ever representative of the religion they are using as their foil. We call radical Christians Christian fundamentalists, for example.

[elaine567]

If he hadn't added the word "extremists," I'd agree with you. Every religion has its extremists and it's rarely ever a good thing and they're rarely ever representative of the religion they are using as their foil. We call radical Christians Christian fundamentalists, for example.

 

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"The peaceful majority are irrelevant..."

[CrystalCastles]

I think it is the fault of the media. The media does a great job sowing a lot of fear in the population, as well as hate and ignorance. Many "facts" that the media reports tend to be false, and the media frequently twists the truth to suit their own political views.

 

I understand very well how you feel, OP. I am a Russian Jew. It feels to me that every time I pick up a newspaper, there's some news about Ukraine that discusses how evil Russia is. People read that rubbish, then go to school or work and diss Russians as if all Russians are bad people and there are no good people among them whatsoever.

 

Same with Jews. I constantly read the phrase f***ing Zionists. Literally everywhere. There would be an article about food production and GMOs and half the comments on those articles is "this is the fault of a f***ing Zionist American government". Wtf?!

 

When it comes to politics, there are a lot of people who believe themselves informed when they are not. It is easy to have an opinion. It is easy to walk around calling Muslims "terrorists". It is not easy, however, to educate yourself with the truth and not blindly follow every piece of crap the newspapers spew out. Your husband made a very insensitive and ignorant comment and your anger is completely justified and understandable. I think the reason why he cannot man up and properly apologize is because he's likely ashamed that he spewed out such a stupid and ignorant comment. If talking to him doesn't work, just let it go.

[Danda]

Why is a religious course being taught to children? Is this a public school? School is for sciences, math, history (FACTS), written language skills, etc. It's not for being taught religion. And are there courses for every other religion, at least? Buddhist, Catholic - religions from Native Americans? Voodoo? Any African religions? No? Yeah didn't think so. It's an absolutely inappropriate class.

 

Your husband might also find your ignorance alarming and unsettling. It's your mission to educate people about Muslims, and you think Islam is a race. If he had any worry that Islam might take over his country, his own wife defending it without even understanding it might just push his buttons.

[CALOVELY]

"What's the deal with the Islamic Religion class... isn't going to turn them all into muslim extremists?"

 

No more so than taking Sunday school class turns people in to Christian extremists. I would give him that example and maybe it will open his eyes. It was a bigoted comment based on ignorance. I understand your anger but escalating things will only solidify his beliefs. You need to cool down and discuss at a later date why this upsets you. I am very sorry for your loss. That was a dark day for humanity.

[mokabean]

Thanks for your replies. To address some things that came up:

1) I'm not certain if he was serious or if it was a joke. When I confronted him he said he was joking, but when I said it was wrong to joke, he flipped to he doesn't know anything about the muslim religion.

 

2) Saying it's not racist because it's a religion is splitting hairs. The sentiment is still the same. News media also call anti-muslim as racism (while this may be ignorant on their part... it stems from the same origin and sentiments).

 

3) If he genuinely harbored these sentiments, yes, he can say his feelings, but perhaps not in such an insensitive manner (and in front of my kids).

 

4) Regardless of using the term "extremist", it was a ridiculous comment to make that a school was going to turn out extremists for teaching a course in religion. He certainly did not make comments when our other son took Chinese philosophy.

 

At the end of the day I have cooled off. But while I am no longer angry, I am so unbelievably disappointed in him. He won't even be open to the idea of educating himself after such a remark. It's a huge eye opener to a side of him I was unaware of after ten years of marriage.

[mokabean]

Why is a religious course being taught to children? Is this a public school? School is for sciences, math, history (FACTS), written language skills, etc. It's not for being taught religion. And are there courses for every other religion, at least? Buddhist, Catholic - religions from Native Americans? Voodoo? Any African religions? No? Yeah didn't think so. It's an absolutely inappropriate class.

 

Your husband might also find your ignorance alarming and unsettling. It's your mission to educate people about Muslims, and you think Islam is a race. If he had any worry that Islam might take over his country, his own wife defending it without even understanding it might just push his buttons.

 

It is a private school. They have a huge array of religious courses the kids can choose from. It's not about converting, but about opening their eyes to the world around them.

 

I apologize for using the term "race". Perhaps I should have said "anti-muslim", but now we are splitting hairs (media refer anti-muslim and anti-semitism as racism... I believe just to simplify explanations. I was merely writing a post... not a doctoral dissertation).

It is not my "mission" to educate people about Islam. It is my mission to raise kids to be aware o other people's cultures and that you can't lump people into a category based on their race or beliefs.

Edited December 29, 2014 by mokabean

[aggie382]

It is a private school. They have a huge array of religious courses the kids can choose from. It's not about converting, but about opening their eyes to the world around them.

 

I apologize for using the term "race". Perhaps I should have said "anti-muslim", but now we are splitting hairs.

 

It's not splitting hairs.

 

There is, in fact, a group of extremist factions made up of violent Islam practitioners, which harbors a sick and twisted hatred of the West. It's only natural for those who've been attacked to be concerned about propagating that extremism.

 

You're acting like he's the devil.

[mokabean]

It's not splitting hairs.

 

There is, in fact, a group of extremist factions made up of violent Islam practitioners, which harbors a sick and twisted hatred of the West. It's only natural for those who've been attacked to be concerned about propagating that extremism.

 

You're acting like he's the devil.

 

Yes, it is a fact. But that doesn't mean that all islamic people are terrorists.

 

It is unnatural to assume that a course on any religion is propagating extreme fundamentalism.

 

And when did I imply he was the devil? I merely expressed my disappointment.

[aggie382]

It is unnatural to assume that a course on any religion is propagating extreme fundamentalism.

 

I don't think it is an unnatural fear. I have that fear. I also understand and greatly appreciate the benefit of teaching its true tenets, the five pillars. A necessary lecture in such a course, in my opinion, should be something along the lines of, 'Why Islamic extremists hate Western culture," but that would only inspire even more fear.

 

Your husband expressed concern about a class specific to Islam having the potential to influence extremism. I think that's a fair concern to have as to any faith or religion, and even more so for Americans.

 

I'm half-Muslim, whose parent was killed by Muslims, if you haven't forgotten. Shouldn't I take greater offense than you?

[mokabean]

I don't think it is an unnatural fear. I have that fear. I also understand and greatly appreciate the benefit of teaching its true tenets, the five pillars. A necessary lecture in such a course, in my opinion, should be something along the lines of, 'Why Islamic extremists hate Western culture," but that would only inspire even more fear.

 

Your husband expressed concern about a class specific to Islam having the potential to influence extremism. I think that's a fair concern to have as to any faith or religion, and even more so for Americans.

 

I'm half-Muslim, whose parent was killed by Muslims, if you haven't forgotten. Shouldn't I take greater offense than you?

 

Now your are running in circles. You complain that I called it a race (which I apologize for the error), but if since Muslim is not a "race" but as you correctly stated, a religion, then you can't be "half-muslim". I'm not in a contest to see who is more offended. I do think it is ignorant to think that a course taught by a white Catholic man will convert them into muslim extremists... particularly when we don't have any islamic kids at our school. Given the circumstances of the course, I don't really see that he meant it in any other way than a flippant lame comment rather than a genuine concern (and if you knew my husband.. he does not ever have genuine concerns other than how the surf is breaking).