badkarma2013 Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 I would let it go. Like Hope, I can't imagine checking a spouses underwear. Who know what it is, but the suggestion to "test" it seems way over dramatic. Carry on as usual. Keep the lines of communication open. No spouse should spend their days watching their spouse...that's not a marriage. ****************************************************************** ARE you kidding!!! No spouse who has ANY RESPECT for themselves should spend their days walking around playing the stupid,naive and betrayed FOOL..either! It has been my experiance when i see Red Flags and my Gut is screaming...their is Something to be concerned about... One had better ck everything..Watching ones marriage I agree is not a marriage...If you Spouse is involved in an A...you dont have a Marriage! Are you a BS?? Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 ****************************************************************** ARE you kidding!!! No spouse who has ANY RESPECT for themselves should spend their days walking around playing the stupid,naive and betrayed FOOL..either! It has been my experiance when i see Red Flags and my Gut is screaming...their is Something to be concerned about... One had better ck everything..Watching ones marriage I agree is not a marriage...If you Spouse is involved in an A...you dont have a Marriage! Are you a BS?? I don't think jellybean has been bs, ws, or ow. She just likes the forum I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
badkarma2013 Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 I don't think jellybean has been bs, ws, or ow. She just likes the forum I guess. Giving dangerous advice for someone who has Never Been There!! IMO Link to post Share on other sites
jm2013 Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 I think it's tricky. There's a lot of variables to the crud in the undies. Maybe he let loose in the bathroom before he left. That would surely deposit some semen in the drawers. Maybe he went out and had sex with another woman. That would also deposit some crust in his undies. If you feel like something is off learn to trust your gut. It is typically right. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 Giving dangerous advice for someone who has Never Been There!! IMO Lol. She is pretty militant but you just have to take what helps and leave the rest. I wonder if she is married or in a relationship... Jelly? Are you in a relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 He still works at the same place as the other woman so I have no way of knowing if they still talk... Which I'm sure they do but he would never admit it. no one else sees THIS as a problem? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jm2013 Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 no one else sees THIS as a problem? Of course it's a problem. It's almost like the OP has resigned herself to what he could be doing. He is probably talking to her. She said it herself, she has no way to verify. I'm sure it is even more hidden as well. Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 Thank you so much for all the advise. The hard part for me is not jumping to conclusions as things have been good for the past year. Our communication has improved and our sex life is great. He's an amazing father to our 2 boys and rarely goes out unless its a couples thing and we are together. He still works at the same place as the other woman so I have no way of knowing if they still talk... Which I'm sure they do but he would never admit it. Up until now... I've had no reason to suspect anything else has been going on. I left the underwear in plain view on top of the laundry basket and left it on top of the bed. He didn't even seem to notice. I get you can be aroused and it mean nothing except for the fact that he was out and not with me. We don't have strip clubs where we live and he showered and put on clean clothes before he left. I know he was at a friends house for most of the night with no women but went to the bar with a newly single male friend after. I would have thought nothing of it until I saw the stain. I checked phone records and there is nothing but he knows I have checked them in the past. If he is still talking to her and she has an iPhone too... The phone numbers won't show up. I'm sure he knows that as well so at this point.... There's no way of knowing I guess. I'm definitely not trying to make light of things but I would also feel awful for accusing him if nothing is going on. That's where I'm really torn because we have worked hard at repairing our relationship. I forgave but can't forget. Not a day goes by that I don't think about what happened and I'm not sure how to get past that. It's definitely not how I want to live my life. you are a perfect example of why infidelity in a marriage should never be forgiven. the trust is broken and irreparable no matter how many improvements are made. it's over when someone cheats and forgiving the cheater just confirms a low self-worth 3 Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted January 1, 2015 Share Posted January 1, 2015 Hockeymom123, Trust your gut. What you said about his recent behaviour is a red flag which shouldn't be ignored. Don't ask, keep watch and do some digging. Link to post Share on other sites
Till death do part Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 I have been married for 12 years and my husband became involved with a female co-worker. He claimed it was strictly a friendship but I know for a fact that it was more than that. He managed to work through things but I've noticed the past few weeks he's been on edge and snaps at me... Which was happening when he was involved with this other person. Last night he went out for a guys night and came home around 3am.He ended up at a small bar with a single friend of his. I have no issue with him going out as he doesn't do it often. What has me bothered is that this afternoon I was doing laundry and pulled his underwear from last night out if the jeans he wore to wash and noticed lots of dried "white stuff" in them. He's been very distant today and has said very little to me. I don't make a habit of checking his underwear and I only noticed because there was quite a bit and obvious. Since I don't "inspect" his underwear on a regular basis.... I am wondering if this is normal or should I be concerned? We've been through a lot given his history and I don't want to immediately jump to the conclusion that something is up but I have a nagging feeling that something is going on If you believe he is cheating, follow your gut feeling, don't dismiss it and dont be bullied by him. You are his wife and have a right to know. There are other red flags most likely, cell phone, emails. Its there, just find it. I had my hunches but didnt follow through, didnt listen to that little voice telling me to open my eyes. Finding white "leftovers" is common even when cloths are off, if he didnt wash it leaks, lolol. Yes, if you ask him straight out he will deny it. They lie and getting them to admit is like pulling teeth very slowly. Do what you feel is right, and dont feel bad. He is the one who did wrong, he is the one that needs to rebuild trust, not you. It took me over a year and thousands of dollars of therapy to regain my confidence. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
AlecKayani Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 I think you should quietly snoop. In fact, I'd probably test the underwear. Honestly, he shouldn't be pulling all nighters at bars given his history. Did he come clean and work to regain your trust the first time or sweep it under the carpet? Hi dear friend, I don't think to "quietly snoop" is a good idea. Not necessary for him but mostly for her as suspicion sometimes is counterproductive and creats a false pretext in many cases. Link to post Share on other sites
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