janetl Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 You are a single woman. You were in an EA or PA with a MM. It ended (by any which way). Everyone told you that is for good. You deserve better. You will find someone who will love you more and give you all that the MM could not and you will have the special someone all for yourself and complete. Several months, may be years have passed. You have not yet found anyone like that. You hurt less, may be you are kinda over him. You ave healed and happy with your independence, work, friends, hobbies. But you still love him. Care for him and truly wish that he is happy and healthy. Anyone? Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted December 29, 2014 Share Posted December 29, 2014 Yes. Actually I was in a relationship with MM for most of nearly 6 years. I have been NC for 6 months and had counselling. I'm afraid the NC hasn't changed the way I feel at all. I still love him just as much ever. Maybe that will change as time goes on . The A was a very long time and I think the longer you go the more of a bond you develop with each other. I do hope he is well and happy. I don't consider he was a monster or set out to use me. The responsibility was mine as much as his. Poppy Link to post Share on other sites
Justme19 Posted December 29, 2014 Share Posted December 29, 2014 I was able to end my PA on good terms. I loved that man and really wanted a future with him. He stayed married though while 'saying' he wanted to be with me. We both agreed it wasn't a healthy relationship. So- yes- even though we are not together, I do love him and hope beyond hope that he and his wife work things out. I am still healing. It has been less than 6 months- but having focus and goals and knowing that I made the right decision (finally) I have no doubt some day I won't think about him the way I still do. Time and continued living will (and does) make all the difference! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author janetl Posted December 29, 2014 Author Share Posted December 29, 2014 Yes. Actually I was in a relationship with MM for most of nearly 6 years. I have been NC for 6 months and had counselling. I'm afraid the NC hasn't changed the way I feel at all. I still love him just as much ever. Maybe that will change as time goes on . The A was a very long time and I think the longer you go the more of a bond you develop with each other. I do hope he is well and happy. I don't consider he was a monster or set out to use me. The responsibility was mine as much as his. Poppy Thanks for sharing, Poppy. The MMs are often painted in dark colors, selfish, coward, jerks... While it may be true that I am still in love: I find it amusing that it is always MM's fault. So reading this has been like a breath of fresh air! It's good to find someone in the same boat (although I am 6 month behind you).... Link to post Share on other sites
Author janetl Posted December 29, 2014 Author Share Posted December 29, 2014 I was able to end my PA on good terms. I loved that man and really wanted a future with him. He stayed married though while 'saying' he wanted to be with me. We both agreed it wasn't a healthy relationship. So- yes- even though we are not together, I do love him and hope beyond hope that he and his wife work things out. I am still healing. It has been less than 6 months- but having focus and goals and knowing that I made the right decision (finally) I have no doubt some day I won't think about him the way I still do. Time and continued living will (and does) make all the difference! Thanks for sharing JustMe! I wish you all the best and hope I walk the path with healthy healing myself... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted December 29, 2014 Share Posted December 29, 2014 Thanks for sharing, Poppy. The MMs are often painted in dark colors, selfish, coward, jerks... While it may be true that I am still in love: I find it amusing that it is always MM's fault. So reading this has been like a breath of fresh air! It's good to find someone in the same boat (although I am 6 month behind you).... I can say that xMM was always just an ordinary person. I had no desire for him to leave his wife. He is 72 now and I am 67. It became too much for both of us to cope with. I know he hasn't, and never will forget me. We parted sadly, but in a very gentle loving way. Honestly, I don't want to forget him but I need to have a future where I can feel at peace with everything. Poppy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Dog Woman Posted December 29, 2014 Share Posted December 29, 2014 Yes. I will never forget my exMM and will always love him. Even though he wouldnt give up trying to contact me, separated with his wife, said he wanted me then decided to go back to her, I forgive him and never will think bad of him. I wish things had been so different and we could have had a bonefide relationship. Although I broke all contact a few months ago our paths crossed a few weeks ago at a show. I couldnt really avoid him but he looked dreadful. Hed lost weight and his face was tired and drawn. I do hope he is sorting his life out. Im slowly moving on but Im not over him as much as I thought. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 29, 2014 Share Posted December 29, 2014 I had a long-term affair with someone and I still love him. I can't say I feel those strong feelings for him like I used to but it's because those feelings have gone dormant. They could be resurrected very easily, though, if things changed. I said this in another post but I'll say it here, too. The reason why I think that people in affairs tend to hold a torch for one another for so long is because the relationships often don't end like normal ones. For instance, marriages usually end because one or both are done with the relationship, they've worked on it, and have had enough. So, they divorce. A lot of people in affairs often have an extremely strong bond, are often highly compatible, and have a deep frienship. And it's usually outside forces that prompt the break-up, instead of them no longer loving one another. So, it feels like unfinished business. When love is genuine, it's always hard to forget that person. Also, there's a lot of secretive behavior associated with affairs and it can feel like the two of you are in collusion with one another, and you can both feel that each of you, in a sense, pulled one another from the fire, because most people involved in affairs are in a very bad place emotionally. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted December 29, 2014 Share Posted December 29, 2014 I'll always have love for him and I wish him well and will always care about him. But fortunately I'm not actively in love with him. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted December 29, 2014 Share Posted December 29, 2014 I have my days when it's really painful and hard - I'm 1 year out. I have my days when I'm grateful for the choice to end it and save my marriage - I'm 1 year out. There are days when I feel like I"ll never be the same, my heart never fully whole and healed - I'm 1 year out. My dreams are not my own, I see and feel it all still - I'm 1 year out. I'm 1 year out and living it - I try not to look too far a head into the future. I'll check back next year - 2 years out. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
HBIC Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 I had some unpleasant conversations with exMM after a long period of VLC. I'm truly grateful for pushing him to admit the ugly truths about his behavior. Why? Because now the last parts of loving him are gone. When I think about love, I think about how in the future I will encounter someone with integrity who loves me the way I need to be loved. I think about how much wiser I am with relationships and boundaries now. I think about how I am a strong, caring, independent woman who treats others with respect and deserves it in return. Maybe some on here had very different experiences, but exMM showed himself to be a liar, manipulator, and gaslighter to cruel lengths with all of his intimate partners. So yeah, I don't love him. And I thank God I am not his wife and can just walk away from him without legal entanglement toward a much brighter future. A big hug to all the ladies out there struggling to break free!!! There is peace and joy on the other side, I promise. BTW, now that I have my "answers," I have gone NC. Everyone on here is right: it's the only way. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
raspberry.12 Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 Yes I am. My separated man just decided to spend holiday with his kids (& wife) for a week. I assumed it's for a second chance for their marriage (plus what he told me about his son wish list) I texted him and wished all the best for their marriage. I decided to go NC but my feelings are still towards him. He texted me on day 1 letting me know that he arrived safely. I didn't reply and since then, I heard nothing else from him (which I expected it would happen) We found each other too late to be together. I love him still and wishing he'll find happiness again with his BS. Link to post Share on other sites
Missinghim17 Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 Yes...that is my current situation. The last time I heard from him was just under 2 yrs ago and not only am I not over him, i'm definitely still in love with him. So much so that even if I'm happy with someone else and he came back, i'd leave the person i'm with now instantly to be with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author janetl Posted January 11, 2015 Author Share Posted January 11, 2015 Yes...that is my current situation. The last time I heard from him was just under 2 yrs ago and not only am I not over him, i'm definitely still in love with him. So much so that even if I'm happy with someone else and he came back, i'd leave the person i'm with now instantly to be with him. Missinghim17, are you talking hypothetically or are you happily with someone else now? I am not judging you, but wondering... I am still in love with my xMM but if I do meet someone: I think I would want to tell him that I am still in love with xMM and then there will probably be no relationship.... Why would a single man want to be in a relationship with me if I am in love with a married man who most likely will never be back in my life? 2 years is a long time, so I don't know what will happen.... Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 janetl I do hope it will change for you in the future. I find the longer I am in NC the more I can see the A realistically. For xMM I was a fantasty and an escape. He didn't really want me... just what he could have for a little while with me. A couple of times I was in hospital and he wasn't there for me. I am remembering a lot of things I ignored before and coming back to normal. I would never want to be somebody's fantasy again. Best Regards, Poppy Link to post Share on other sites
lynn1954 Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 (edited) janetl: To your original post: yes, I am exactly as you described, and I'm still (somewhat) in love with my exMM. To your subsequent post, where your said "I am still in love with my xMM but if I do meet someone: I think I would want to tell him that I am still in love with xMM and then there will probably be no relationship.... Why would a single man want to be in a relationship with me if I am in love with a married man who most likely will never be back in my life?" Answer: women like you and me who are still in love with an exMM should not be trying to start a new relationship. We should be working on ourselves, and seeking therapy or self-help to determine why our love remains. If some new relationship comes along, then after a few dates there will be opportunities for each of you to reveal details about yourself, and hopefully both of you are honest. I'd think that's a chance to tell the truth to the new guy, and find out how he feels about it. If he can't handle that then, yes, you'll lose him, but that is the fair and honest thing to do. However, still being in love with our exMM is totally different than having a much less intense feeling such as fond memories, wishing him well, hoping he's happy, etc. If you believe you're there, then try a new relationship and watch how often you treat the new guy based on himself, and how often you find yourself comparing him negatively to the exMM. If you haven't gotten over the comparison phase, then you need to do more work on yourself. We must decide if we're healthy enough inside ourselves to establish a new relationship. If not, we must wait, else the new relationship will fail anyway. If we get to a point where we believe we're healed and we try a new relationship, we'll know if the new relationship will work based on how well our healthy feelings for the new guy cause our feelings for the exMM to retreat or lessen Edited January 11, 2015 by lynn1954 Link to post Share on other sites
Author janetl Posted January 13, 2015 Author Share Posted January 13, 2015 I wish him well plenty. I don't know when I will be ready to meet anyone; I was not even before I met him although I had been single for a while then... I am not the one to go out and date etc, I have been hurt enough! **** the MMs. Who needs them! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Healthier Me Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 "For xMM I was a fantasty and an escape. He didn't really want me... just what he could have for a little while with me." Perfectly stated! I wonder how many of our AP's were telling us this in so many words and actions, but we wanted to believe the fantasy so badly that we ignored the truth.... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I wonder how many of our AP's were telling us this in so many words and actions, but we wanted to believe the fantasy so badly that we ignored the truth.... I don't know if it's so much that we ignored the truth; I think it's more that when you're in an A, you see what you want to see because you're caught up and jaded. I know for a few months there I definitely saw what I wanted to see. Then I slowly came out of the fog. I was never in love with my MM to begin with. There were a few times when I thought I was, but then I realized I was confusing love and ego. Now that I ended it, it hurts like a break-up, but it's not because I'm still in love with him. It's because my ego has taken such a beating. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I had a long-term affair with someone and I still love him. I can't say I feel those strong feelings for him like I used to but it's because those feelings have gone dormant. They could be resurrected very easily, though, if things changed. I said this in another post but I'll say it here, too. The reason why I think that people in affairs tend to hold a torch for one another for so long is because the relationships often don't end like normal ones. For instance, marriages usually end because one or both are done with the relationship, they've worked on it, and have had enough. So, they divorce. A lot of people in affairs often have an extremely strong bond, are often highly compatible, and have a deep frienship. And it's usually outside forces that prompt the break-up, instead of them no longer loving one another. So, it feels like unfinished business. When love is genuine, it's always hard to forget that person. Also, there's a lot of secretive behavior associated with affairs and it can feel like the two of you are in collusion with one another, and you can both feel that each of you, in a sense, pulled one another from the fire, because most people involved in affairs are in a very bad place emotionally. Yes, very well said. This is how I feel too. Link to post Share on other sites
Jesuischarlie Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I still love him and I know he loves me. No end... Link to post Share on other sites
lynn1954 Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 I wish him well plenty. I don't know when I will be ready to meet anyone; I was not even before I met him although I had been single for a while then... I am not the one to go out and date etc, I have been hurt enough! **** the MMs. Who needs them! janetl: I'm also having trouble finding a new healthy relationship. For you and me, it will be a combination of feeling good about ourselves, and then meeting a nice guy who's right for us, a man who is capable of having a healthy relationship. Both of those things ("fixing" ourselves and "finding" the right guy) take time and take effort. Sometimes we feel like we're running out of time. Sometimes we feel like we're tired of the effort. But, we need to continue the "fixing" and "finding" as best we can. I'm having a hard time right now, and I feel sad and lonely. But I'm going to keep trying, and I hope you find a way to keep trying, too. Don't rush it if you're not ready. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Missinghim17 Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 Missinghim17, are you talking hypothetically or are you happily with someone else now? I am not judging you, but wondering... I am still in love with my xMM but if I do meet someone: I think I would want to tell him that I am still in love with xMM and then there will probably be no relationship.... Why would a single man want to be in a relationship with me if I am in love with a married man who most likely will never be back in my life? 2 years is a long time, so I don't know what will happen.... I'm currently single. I have dated and some of the men ive dated are truly wonderful men that would probly be good for me in the long run but i always end things because I'm still in love with my MM. Yes, even after almost 2 years NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Author janetl Posted January 24, 2015 Author Share Posted January 24, 2015 Sorry to hear that Missinghim17. It must be painful every single time to break with someone who could be good for you. That is what I am afraid of. What's the point of dating someone (potentially good) and having to end it. I do love my (almost ex)MM. lynn1954, you are absolutely right. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KismetGirl Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 Ive known my MM a decade. He and I met in our 20's. I was barely out of university. Ive had other relationships in this time, men I truly was in love with. I was able to forget about MM to the extent that I didnt crave his presense as much because I was happy with the person I was with at the time. It's usually when Im single that he is harder to ignore. He recently recconected with me after a three year hiatus and its been hell on me emotionally. I dont tell him how hard it is for me. I keep telling myself that I'll be moving out of this city again for a while soon enough and that being further will be enough to clear my head but I really havent yet figured out the best way to rid my mind and heart of him. To this day if he told me he would leave his wife I would deal with all the BS that entails....the misery, depression, financial hell, and everything else associated with divorce transitions. The scarlet letter on my forehead as everyone looks at me being the other woman who took a man away from his wife and four children even though you cant steal another human being-- they do what they want of their own accord. But as it stands right now he's still married and giving no inclination he is ready for that to be over year. He is young, and most importantly his children are all very young and this is the hardest part for him to leave. My heart aches every day. Not a day goes by I dont think about him lately. Im just waiting to leave here so I can have some relief from him. When I am in his vicinity it is too hard for me to say no. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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