Top 3 reasons / triggers for an MM getting into an EA

[janetl]

I suppose some of these may be applicable to a PA and for MW too. But I am trying post-mortem my own EA and hence the questions.

 

I can think of 3 (they may sound too obvious and hence I am asking the community)

 

1. Lack of emotional support from wife while facing difficult time in life (e.g. with kids, with parents, with family, with career): so affair will end once that difficult time is over.

2. Strained marriage for a prior affair: so affair will end when married partners are willing to go back to working on marriage.

3. Sexless marriage for various reasons but inability to divorce because of kids: not sure how and when the affair will end.

 

What are the top 3 reason you know of / think of?

 

Thanks!

[Redheaded Mistress]

The there reasons for my MM's affair:

 

1. Unhappily married and wanted out, but found "wanting out" wasn't enough of a motivator to staying out. Meaning, he didn't want to be married and had left before me, but the issues it created and drama it put him through was more of a hassle than staying without a driving motivator.

 

2. Extreme distrust and loss of respect for his wife.

 

Which all lead to -

 

3. When he found somebody else he was connected to, me, it was easier for him to push boundaries further and further and eventually have an EA, PA, then leave. Guilt made him bounce back and forth a few times, but ultimately, he left. He would have probaby stayed unhappily married if he hadn't had a connection that showed him it could be better than being unhappily married.

[Justme19]

I think my MM had an affair because:

1. He had lost his job due to the economy and it was his W's family business. It took a long time to find his new job (where I work) and he probably had dealt with some self esteem issues. They were pretty well off before.

2. Married 20 years- 4 kids- one in college, two in high school, one in middle school. Said there was zero intimacy but the W always wanted to be out and see and be seen. All she cared about was appearances.

3. Because an opportunity arose- at work- where we were somewhat friends and he knew I was just divorced. Within a week after my D being final- he asked me out for drinks "to talk".

 

Not sure if there was ever a prior A but in hindsight I wouldn't doubt it. He has since been promoted to a significant level in the company. Makes great money. I am sure the home front is happy again.

Edited December 29, 2014 by Justme19

[Popsicle]

I suppose some of these may be applicable to a PA and for MW too. But I am trying post-mortem my own EA and hence the questions.

 

I can think of 3 (they may sound too obvious and hence I am asking the community)

 

1. Lack of emotional support from wife while facing difficult time in life (e.g. with kids, with parents, with family, with career): so affair will end once that difficult time is over.

2. Strained marriage for a prior affair: so affair will end when married partners are willing to go back to working on marriage.

3. Sexless marriage for various reasons but inability to divorce because of kids: not sure how and when the affair will end.

 

What are the top 3 reason you know of / think of?

 

Thanks!

 

Those are good ones, but I think they are too focused. Sometimes there are variations of those three.

[still_an_Angel]

1. MM and W were high school sweethearts, it was sort of expected that they would end up marrying each other. Over time, they grew apart, as they matured and each moving into a different direction until emotional connection and intimacy is gone.

 

 

2. MM met someone who is so different in many ways but connected with him on various levels. A stranger who managed to break into his façade and opened his vulnerabilities as no other has done.

[Cocochai]

I suppose some of these may be applicable to a PA and for MW too. But I am trying post-mortem my own EA and hence the questions.

 

I can think of 3 (they may sound too obvious and hence I am asking the community)

 

1. Lack of emotional support from wife while facing difficult time in life (e.g. with kids, with parents, with family, with career): so affair will end once that difficult time is over.

2. Strained marriage for a prior affair: so affair will end when married partners are willing to go back to working on marriage.

3. Sexless marriage for various reasons but inability to divorce because of kids: not sure how and when the affair will end.

 

What are the top 3 reason you know of / think of?

 

Thanks!

 

Thinking about it I can say #3 for my MM but #1 should always be selfishness. I don't understand how someone can be married and can't communicate their needs to their spouse.

[Cressida]

What my exMM used to say (we had a conversation akin to this):

 

1. Loneliness, loss of self-respect, loss of confidence- My exMM always said how his wife never made him feel desired, attractive, handsome or 'a man' enough for 'a real woman' (i.e. which allegedly his wife wasn't). His words, not mine.

 

2. Lack of common interests- basically boredom throughout his marriage and incompatibility with the wife. She was, according to him, a good mother to the children and he valued her for this, but only for this. So he naturally put himself after his kids and dealt with it....in his own way (i.e. affair, i suppose).

 

3. Sexual and intellectual incompatibility- my exMM said that he always felt sexually dissatisfied, he always wanted to meet someone that bla bla bla yadda yadda yadda, you know. The usual.

[inappfriendly]

What my exMM used to say (we had a conversation akin to this):

 

1. Loneliness, loss of self-respect, loss of confidence- My exMM always said how his wife never made him feel desired, attractive, handsome or 'a man' enough for 'a real woman' (i.e. which allegedly his wife wasn't). His words, not mine.

 

2. Lack of common interests- basically boredom throughout his marriage and incompatibility with the wife. She was, according to him, a good mother to the children and he valued her for this, but only for this. So he naturally put himself after his kids and dealt with it....in his own way (i.e. affair, i suppose).

 

3. Sexual and intellectual incompatibility- my exMM said that he always felt sexually dissatisfied, he always wanted to meet someone that bla bla bla yadda yadda yadda, you know. The usual.

 

Same.

And I foolishly wanted to save him from all of that! And in the moment, it felt like I was, and that he wanted me and loved me for all of the voids that I filled. But after being tossed into oncoming traffic and left for dead, at the end of the day, I realize that was ALL that I amounted to for him. Thus, numbers 1, 2 and 3 can all be summed up in a word.

EGO.

:/