what would it take to disown a sister?

[Bunni]

Me and my sister are totally different. She has held a grudge against me since we were kids and to this day thinks badly of me. (for beating her up as kids) I know it was not right now but I was a kid and dealt with things with violence but we talked about it one day and I told her it was nothing personal but thats how I dealt with things as a kid. I thought she forgave me but to this day holds a grudge for it.

 

+ she has been with a know it all guy for about 10 years now who thinks he is better than me and my family ( my sisters mom dad sister brother) and myself. My sister also since being with him thinks she is better than us. As well as she always talks down to me and my whole family. I cant stand it.

 

Recently we got into a tiff over her daughter (my niece) and now she is forbidding her to see me untill I work things out with her. She thinks I think she is a bad mother because I don't agree with all that she does and says about my niece. I think she is a pretty darn good kid. She goes to school shes not a coke addict, shes not pregnant, I think thats darn good for a 15 year old girl these days, and I dont share her oppinion that her kid is evil and, I think shes a bad mother (according to her).

 

Just cause I don't agree her kid is bad! Silly I think. She is a my way or the highway mother and wont budge on the fact that kids deserve respect too, there is just no talking to her, she is right about everything. I can not stand her as a person. I would never associate myself with this kind of person having a choice, and feel just cause she is my sister dosn't mean we have to associate.

 

But quite frankly I am tired of her thinking she is better than me as well as talking down to me like she is superior and holding the grude from when we were kids. I give up I dont want to associate with a person like that and feel like I want to live my life without her in it? I just feel just because we were born by the same mother dosn't mean we need to associate with each other.

 

Any oppinions on this situation.

[CurlyIam]

Honestely, if it got to this point, it's soo far to ba able to actually do anything about it.

 

Don't contradict her and I suggest you stay away from her for a while. You don't have to like her. And it is possible to have a civil relationship with her. Just not a close one.

 

I inform you that everyone is intittled to have their own opinion about anything. IT doesn't make them right. Be sure to not take any type of crap from her if she "happens" to make witty remarks.

 

As for her family, I must say that not being a drug addict or pregnant at 15 in indeed no big achievement. Maybe she expects more from her daughter. It makes it her OWN business, because it's her family. I think you should keep away from giving her advice on education.

 

 

 

At 15 it's very easy to be self sufficient. And if one wants to get places, that person should be busting her pretty a$$ studying and working. Maybe your sister is afraid of your influencing her daughter. Please know from personal experience that kids will always thake the easier way if you let them choose. So stay away from that.

 

 

Remember: her daughter is her responsability. If you have opinions be sure to share them with your sister and her alone.

 

 

I think you can save the relationship you have with your sister. There are a few you rules should respect, however: "accept her the way she is. Stop picking on her. Stop criticising her and the way she raises her kids. Love her and learn not to tell her everything that crosses your mind".

 

I don't honestley think that the 2 of you will ever be friends, but I am convinced you can have a relationship 10 times better if you BOTH try.

 

Good luck,

 

Curly

[EnigmaXOXO]

It's almost impossible to disown your relatives. Particularly if you must see them on a regular basis. We can choose our friends, but we don't get to pick our families.

 

The best you can do is remain 'polite' on those occasions when the two of you are together and avoid starting conversations with your sister that you know will end in arguments. Keep to the 'small talk'. Either stay positive or keep you lips buttoned.

 

I'm assuming you are both now adults and are able to manage your own lives without the other's interference or unsolicited advice. Unless your niece is being mistreated and/or abused, it's best to leave the parenting to girl's parents regardless if you approve of their methods or not. If your sister already harbors any resentment towards you, she's not going to take well to your interfering when it comes to her own children.

 

I also hope you and your sister are not having these discussions in front of your niece or that she's even aware of them. It's not prudent to make your sister out to be a bad parent in front of her kids and perpetuate that 'good cop' vs. 'bad cop' scenario and undermine her authority. It's not surprising that it has caused more resentment between you two and given her even more reasons to distance herself.

 

And like I said before, unless the child is in danger, it's simply none of your business…

 

I don't know your entire situation, but it seems you both are holding petty grudges and picking at each other relentlessly. Childhood revisited perhaps? But it's nothing that can't be improved upon if BOTH of you are willing to grow up and learn to respect each other's boundaries…as adults.

[HokeyReligions]

I have not spoken to my mother's other daughter in over 20 years. Or her family either. At first it was sad that I lost contact with my neices & nephew, but as time went on it got easier--her kids are just like her. I knew her first husband, but i've never met her second husband. She's never met my husband. I have not seen her kids since they were small and they are all married with families of their own now. I don't even know her new last name, or my neices last names.

 

You can't choose your relatives and I don't know of any law that says you have to have a relationship with them just because they are related.

 

One of her kids moved a few hundred miles from me and called once and I told her to not call anymore and she hasn't.

 

Her life is HER life. My life is MINE. If we were strangers & met each other we would never become friends.

 

If you don't want her in your life, don't contact her and don't accept contact from her. It hurt our mother for a while, but she understands and is better with us having no contact, than forcing a relationship that would constantly cause stress.

 

My mom now lives with me and she is fine with no contact from her other daughter either---she was hurt by her too. My mom doesn't have much time left, she is terminally ill, and when she goes I'm not even going to bother to inform the other daughter. She'll hear it from our brother who stays in contact with both of us, but knows not to discuss either of us with the other.

 

As far as I'm concerned, I have a brother and that's it. I don't care to know what goes on in her life - or in her children's lives--they are all strangers to me. If she dies first I won't know about it, or care; and vice versa.

 

Thankfully we live far enough apart that we won't run into each other. Do you live far enough from your sister to not worry about running into her?

[blind_otter]

I fought with my mother and didn't speak with her for a year. She told me I was "dead to her" and didn't look at me or address me directly or even make reference to me. It was the most painful thing I ever went through. This was when I was a full blown drug addict and this was when I ended up living out of my car.

 

Long story short....people are people. Compassion and forgiveness are in short supply. I hope you can find it in your heart to accept your sister.

 

My oldest sister is born again and we don't get along at all. She disapproves of my lifestyle and always tells me she fears for my soul and is afraid to leave her kids alone with me for fear that my devilish nature will rub off on them. But whatever, that's on her. I let it roll off my back. My older sisters ganged up on me a lot to beat me up. I had a broken tooth for 4 years because of them and had to have a root canal because they tripped me and I broke my two front teeth. I had a concussion and had stitches because they dropped a marble lamp on my head and that MAY have caused my seizure disorder...

 

Have you talked to her about this and said, I think you still hold a grudge from when we were younger? Also, your opinions of her daughter are OK, but how she raises her kids is her business. I would never dare say anything to my sister about her kids. She would scratch my eyes out. If you wouldn't comment on your friend's kids and how they raise them, don't do it to your sis. And if my friends started commenting on my parenting, I might be a little pissed myself.

 

my 2 cents.

[Bunni]

Originally posted by CurlyIam

Honestly, if it got to this point, it's soo far to be able to actually do anything about it.

 

Don't contradict her and I suggest you stay away from her for a while. You don't have to like her. And it is possible to have a civil relationship with her. Just not a close one.

 

I inform you that everyone is intittled to have their own opinion about anything. IT doesn't make them right. Be sure to not take any type of crap from her if she "happens" to make witty remarks.

 

As for her family, I must say that not being a drug addict or pregnant at 15 in indeed no big achievement. Maybe she expects more from her daughter. It makes it her OWN business, because it's her family. I think you should keep away from giving her advice on education.

 

 

 

At 15 it's very easy to be self sufficient. And if one wants to get places, that person should be busting her pretty a$$ studying and working. Maybe your sister is afraid of your influencing her daughter. Please know from personal experience that kids will always take the easier way if you let them choose. So stay away from that.

 

 

Remember: her daughter is her responsibility. If you have opinions be sure to share them with your sister and her alone.

 

 

I think you can save the relationship you have with your sister. There are a few you rules should respect, however: "accept her the way she is. Stop picking on her. Stop criticizing her and the way she raises her kids. Love her and learn not to tell her everything that crosses your mind".

 

I don't honestly think that the 2 of you will ever be friends, but I am convinced you can have a relationship 10 times better if you BOTH try.

 

Good luck,

 

Curly

 

I never once told my sister she was a bad mother and the only time I would talk to her about my niece was when she brought her up. I shared "my opinion" which always seems to be different from hers. I do not pick on her or critisise her I just share my opinion I mean if she didn't want to hear it she wouldn't talk to me about it would she? Just because when she talks to me about her daughter and I don't share the opinion that she's evil I am an a$$.

 

I really don't care to have a relationship with her at all and the last time I saw her I was civil but she got in my face and started me up.

 

+ I tell her nothing about her kid unless she brings it up. I have no urge to tell her everything that crosses my mind. Especially not now!

 

Thanks for the advice.

 

 

Originally posted by EnigmaXOXO

It's almost impossible to disown your relatives. Particularly if you must see them on a regular basis. We can choose our friends, but we don't get to pick our families.

 

The best you can do is remain 'polite' on those occasions when the two of you are together and avoid starting conversations with your sister that you know will end in arguments. Keep to the 'small talk'. Either stay positive or keep you lips buttoned.

 

I'm assuming you are both now adults and are able to manage your own lives without the other's interference or unsolicited advice. Unless your niece is being mistreated and/or abused, it's best to leave the parenting to girl's parents regardless if you approve of their methods or not. If your sister already harbors any resentment towards you, she's not going to take well to your interfering when it comes to her own children.

 

I also hope you and your sister are not having these discussions in front of your niece or that she's even aware of them. It's not prudent to make your sister out to be a bad parent in front of her kids and perpetuate that 'good cop' vs. 'bad cop' scenario and undermine her authority. It's not surprising that it has caused more resentment between you two and given her even more reasons to distance herself.

 

And like I said before, unless the child is in danger, it's simply none of your business…

 

I don't know your entire situation, but it seems you both are holding petty grudges and picking at each other relentlessly. Childhood revisited perhaps? But it's nothing that can't be improved upon if BOTH of you are willing to grow up and learn to respect each other's boundaries…as adults.

 

True enough that unless the kid is in danger none of my bees wax guess I never thought of it like that but I am only involved when they involve me. Either the mother or my niece, I don't just go in for no reason.

 

She holds onto the past, I thought since our talk she was over it but not judging by the way she acts. Besides the holier than thou shi* and her being better than me and more classy is complete bs. I do not want to associate myself with someone who looks down on me.

 

I 've always been the one to "do the right thing" now I just don't care. She needs to do the growing up and till she realizes she's no high classed something something she can piss off. Sad but true thats how I feel.

 

 

Originally posted by HokeyReligions

I have not spoken to my mother's other daughter in over 20 years. Or her family either. At first it was sad that I lost contact with my nieces & nephew, but as time went on it got easier--her kids are just like her. I knew her first husband, but i've never met her second husband. She's never met my husband. I have not seen her kids since they were small and they are all married with families of their own now. I don't even know her new last name, or my nieces last names.

 

You can't choose your relatives and I don't know of any law that says you have to have a relationship with them just because they are related.

 

One of her kids moved a few hundred miles from me and called once and I told her to not call anymore and she hasn't.

 

Her life is HER life. My life is MINE. If we were strangers & met each other we would never become friends.

 

If you don't want her in your life, don't contact her and don't accept contact from her. It hurt our mother for a while, but she understands and is better with us having no contact, than forcing a relationship that would constantly cause stress.

 

My mom now lives with me and she is fine with no contact from her other daughter either---she was hurt by her too. My mom doesn't have much time left, she is terminally ill, and when she goes I'm not even going to bother to inform the other daughter. She'll hear it from our brother who stays in contact with both of us, but knows not to discuss either of us with the other.

 

As far as I'm concerned, I have a brother and that's it. I don't care to know what goes on in her life - or in her children's lives--they are all strangers to me. If she dies first I won't know about it, or care; and vice versa.

 

Thankfully we live far enough apart that we won't run into each other. Do you live far enough from your sister to not worry about running into her?

 

"my mothers other daughter" I like that! Can I use it? lol I feel like that too just because we were forced to be in the same family does not mean we need to be close or even associate. Thats how I feel. I do however regret beating her up as kid's but "I WAS A KID" I made mistakes and I thought I cleared up that I didn't hate her It was simply just how I dealt with anger back then. Wrong but I made mistakes.

 

Sorry to hear about your mother hope she gets well.

 

 

Originally posted by blind_otter

I fought with my mother and didn't speak with her for a year. She told me I was "dead to her" and didn't look at me or address me directly or even make reference to me. It was the most painful thing I ever went through. This was when I was a full blown drug addict and this was when I ended up living out of my car.

 

Long story short....people are people. Compassion and forgiveness are in short supply. I hope you can find it in your heart to accept your sister.

 

My oldest sister is born again and we don't get along at all. She disapproves of my lifestyle and always tells me she fears for my soul and is afraid to leave her kids alone with me for fear that my devilish nature will rub off on them. But whatever, that's on her. I let it roll off my back. My older sisters gang ed up on me a lot to beat me up. I had a broken tooth for 4 years because of them and had to have a root canal because they tripped me and I broke my two front teeth. I had a concussion and had stitches because they dropped a marble lamp on my head and that MAY have caused my seizure disorder...

 

Have you talked to her about this and said, I think you still hold a grudge from when we were younger? Also, your opinions of her daughter are OK, but how she raises her kids is her business. I would never dare say anything to my sister about her kids. She would scratch my eyes out. If you wouldn't comment on your friend's kids and how they raise them, don't do it to your sis. And if my friends started commenting on my parenting, I might be a little pissed myself.

 

my 2 cents.

 

 

[color=blue]"dead to her" [/color]

 

O my that is a shi**y thing to hear

 

[color=darkblue]"compassion and forgiveness are in short supply"[/color]

Yes she is the one who holds against me not the other way around, I was a kid when I made my mistake and we talked it out but she brought it back out. I did what I could do.

 

[color=blue]"my older sister ganged up on me a lot to beat me up"[/color]

 

thats sad, and I did feel bad that I did that to her as kids. She really knew how to push my buttons!

 

[color=darkblue]I"f you wouldn't comment on your friend's kids and how they raise them, don't do it to your sis. And if my friends started commenting on my parenting, I might be a little pissed myself."[/color]

 

 

True enough but still I don't say anything really unless they bring it up. I do have a right as a aunt to think what I want of her and I never do anything to be a bad influence so by her keeping her from me is utter ridiculousness. She's being childish and she can do that far away from me. Her highness can peace right off.

 

She can be better than me far from me. Anyway who wants to talk to someone who talks down to you? Not me!!

[RecordProducer]

I think you love each other, that's why it hurts you. But I also think you don't love each other enough to make things right. Actually she is the one who has a weird personality.

How would you feel if something should happen to her (god forbid)? How would she feel? Probably very bad. If you start respecting each other more (you can start first) maybe your relationship will become better.

My ex-husband had the same problem with his 2-year older brother and he said the same thing about associating. His brother is an ass hole, a rude lush, teh kind of person who is always right and will beat you if you oppose him...

Some people were born defective...so what can you do?

[Bunni]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

 

How would you feel if something should happen to her (god forbid)?

I don't know at this point anymore. I certainly don't wish her any harm but I don't care to be around her either.

 

If you start respecting each other more (you can start first) maybe your relationship will become better.

 

I am tired of being the rational one, and I don't believe I can respect someone who thinks they are better than anyone else.

 

Some people were born defective...so what can you do?

 

True... True but does that mean we should have to associate ourselves with them because of the unfortunate fact you were born by the same mother?

[Mr Spock]

Violence is a form of abuse. You inflicted abuse upon your sister when she was a child. When you're kicking the ass of a person who can't defend themselves against you, it's abuse. Children who suffer like that don't just "forgive" when someone says "sorry"

 

I don't blame her for not forgiving you. You certainly don't sound repentant. Or even remotely supportive. You'd think, as her sister who's trying to make up for being such a jerk to her as a child that you'd manage to find an intelligent, adult way to support her decisions with her daughter while maintaining your own opinion.

 

Do you really know if others in your family feels she's talking down to them? Or is it just you. "Tired of her thinking she's better than me" sounds more like you resent her for doing better than you. Is she?

 

You may be tired of her holding a grudge against you, but sometimes saying you're sorry doesn't undo the damage.

[Bunni]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

 

 

Violence is a form of abuse. You inflicted abuse upon your sister when she was a child. When you're kicking the ass of a person who can't defend themselves against you, it's abuse. Children who suffer like that don't just "forgive" when someone says "sorry"

 

I don't blame her for not forgiving you. You certainly don't sound repentant. Or even remotely supportive. You'd think, as her sister who's trying to make up for being such a jerk to her as a child that you'd manage to find an intelligent, adult way to support her decisions with her daughter while maintaining your own opinion.

 

Do you really know if others in your family feels she's talking down to them? Or is it just you. "Tired of her thinking she's better than me" sounds more like you resent her for doing better than you. Is she?

 

You may be tired of her holding a grudge against you, but sometimes saying you're sorry doesn't undo the damage.

 

I however made a couple mistakes. I admitted it and apoligized for it not much else I could do. Yup her choice if she wants to forgive me and and I think only a "jerk" would not realize humans make mistakes and may need forgiven.

 

Define doing better than me and how'd ya get there? Everything is better than me according to her and now you, but quite frankly these are the people I would not associate with in my life. You can be better than me from afar! And no I don't particularly think she is doing any better than me!

 

As far as supporting her NO! Just because she is my sister does not mean I have to support all her parenting decisions, thats just stupid. Say she found hitting appropriate parenting no I would not support that.

 

Are you her? Do you know her? What makes you so sure shes the intellagent one in this situation? Anyway your opinion matters not to me in this instance but thanks for sharing anyway.

 

BTW yes others feel she talks down to them in the family.

 

[Mr Spock]

But quite frankly I am tired of her thinking she is better than me as well as talking down to me like she is superior and holding the grude from when we were kids.

 

 

How do you KNOW she thinks she's better than you, really? This sounds like something you're inferring. Is she doing better than you financially, relationshipwise and just in general? If so your feelings may stem from resentment of that. That's why I'm curious

 

 

 

 

Me and my sister are totally different. She has held a grudge against me since we were kids and to this day thinks badly of me. (for beating her up as kids) I know it was not right now but I was a kid and dealt with things with violence but we talked about it one day and I told her it was nothing personal but thats how I dealt with things as a kid. I thought she forgave me but to this day holds a grudge for it.

 

Wow. You talked about it one day, and said "Hey sorry but that's how I was, nothing personal" I'm sure she fell all over herself for that apology.

 

 

 

Are you her? Do you know her? What makes you so sure shes the intellagent one in this situation? Anyway your opinion matters not to me in this instance but thanks for sharing anyway.

 

I've read a few of your posts, that's why.

 

DID your sister say she found hitting appropriate? There are parents who find corporal punishment acceptable, and those who don't.

 

 

It sounds like all you want is for people to say "Bunni, you're so great your sister sounds like such a b*tch" But it sounds like you yourself, are actually the one in the wrong here.

 

And yes you can be supportive of her as a parent, without being threatening, and without agreeing with her.

[CurlyIam]

Bunni, since she makes you feel less, maybe you should stop seeing her all together for a while. I know that there is no way to communicate with someone who lives in their perfect little world.

 

Wait for her down the corner and everytime she makes a mistake be sure to spill it in her face! Sorry, tough love but stating facts, using facts may actually show her that she's not better than everyone else.

 

As for lovingly sister... that's something you know and keep in your heart.

 

 

The thing is Spock is somewhat right. You do hold a grudge against her. I think it's because she's putting you down because of the way she's behaving with you.

 

 

Stop approaching her, stop initiating contact with her. I don't mean avoiding her. I mean going to family gatherings the way you normaly do and acting like she didn't exist. She's doing or saying anything to put you down? Go on her case. As I've said before, beating her up when you were 12 is no excuse for treating you like s*** for the next 30 years.

 

 

Be cool and just ignore her! That should make her feel bad. People like her need to put others down in order to make themselves feel superior. Stop playing her game.

 

This relationship is bad for you. So just step down!

 

Cheers and lots of luck,

 

Curly

[Bunni]

No she is doing no better than I am in any way. I think you are a little backwards she is holding resentment not I for me hurting her as a child or possibly other things that I am unaware of.

 

What kind of a person condems a person for a mistake they made as a child anyway. God forbid you make a mistake with someone in your family with that attitude Spock?

 

I think life in judgement is a little harsh of a punishment for the crime.

 

How am I in the wrong? How would I go about fixing what I did wrong. Turn back time? I would like to hear how I am wrong tho. Maybe you could enlighten me on how I can be better or fix anything?

+ Can you tell me what exactly makes her right in this situation?

 

Beside always being right, my way or the highway, never comprimise, talk to you like your stupid and don't know what your talking about to me is to me condesending. Besides you know by the way someone talks to you if they are talking down to you like a peon.

 

BTW she is the one who takes it as "I think she's a bad mother" when I have a different opinion than hers. Who's the insecure one there?

 

I guess I should learn the words "your right, you've always been right, you'll always be right". Then maybe we can be friends. And I will earn forgiveness.

If she does not have to comprimise neither do I.

 

Anyway

 

Im done for today to tired to deal

 

Out

[Mr Spock]

I'm only saying that after horrible treatment it's not always sunshine and lollipops. Saying you're sorry doesn't mean she has to forgive you for it.

 

 

You're still not even realizing the impact of your actions on her. "Making a mistake" isn't what I'd call terrorizing a sibling in your childhood years. I'd call it a serious personality defect.

 

 

 

 

BTW she is the one who takes it as "I think she's a bad mother" when I have a different opinion than hers. Who's the insecure one there?

 

 

It's all in how you express yourself to her. She's more than likely sensitive to anything you have to say already due to your past treatment of her. I don't recall stating you were insecure.

 

Why not just avoid each other? It doesn't seem like anything will be fixed in your current mindset.

 

 

Go on her case. As I've said before, beating her up when you were 12 is no excuse for treating you like s*** for the next 30 years.

 

It depends on the length, duration and severity. If it was a regular occurence I'd say it's a factor.

[Bunni]

You are under the assumption that she treated me like gold. How'd ya get there? Hey she fu**ed one of my boyfriends while I was sick in the hospital. Hows that for treatment. + I would hardly say that a couple fist fights is terrorizing someone.

 

Personality defect my a** besides If I will be wearing the BS (bad sister) scarlet letter for life anyway maybe the beatings should continue, give a reason to be bitter.

 

She can wear her CB (Cheating Bitc*) scarlet letter and I will wear my BS letter. Now are we even in the treatment department since we both did one thing wrong to each other? Are we even?

 

Yes in my mindset we will not be talking any time soon. I will just live my life being judged for life from afar..

 

I would love to hear someone elses opinion of our conversation here.

[Mr Spock]

Uh huh. I'm not assuming she's great. You're the one tossing around accusations of people thinking they're perfect (like me, which I don't)

 

 

You are under the assumption that she treated me like gold. How'd ya get there? Hey she fu**ed one of my boyfriends while I was sick in the hospital. Hows that for treatment. + I would hardly say that a couple fist fights is terrorizing someone

 

 

So now it's just a couple of fistfights? If that were truly the case why would you feel the need to bring it up years later?

 

The thing is, you're not admitting any culpability at ALL for why the relationship is poor now. Things are never as one sided as you paint them to be.

[Bunni]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

 

So now it's just a couple of fistfights? If that were truly the case why would you feel the need to bring it up years later?

 

Like I said SHES THE ONE HOLDING THE GRUDGE to THIS DAY, I am not the one keeping it in our present I am just choosing to discuss it because someone is keeping it in our present. How am I the one bringing it up years later has it ever left from grudgeville?

 

 

The thing is, you're not admitting any culpability at ALL for why the relationship is poor now. Things are never as one sided as you paint them to be.

 

Like I said before Spock I would be happy to hear what I can do differently to make it better? Turning back time is not one of my superpowers. Please advice on what to do besides apoligizing and admitting fault which was already done.

 

 

K really I am going to bed. Enough of trying to get uncondemed for today. Off to the firey pits of hell I go ha ha

[Mr Spock]

I think the first step to "fixing" things would be to admit that you're let your resentment override everything else. It colours your relationship with her on all levels, as I'm sure her resentment of you does with her.

 

 

I would suggest that when she starts to piss you off, leave. Stand up, and tell her "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" there is something to be said about taking the high road in family arguements.

[d'Arthez]

Bunni,

 

Whatever happened in the past has happened. That includes the things that lead to the issues you have now. You must not forget that it has also caused some mechanisms to be activated which she has used to protect herself from hurt from you, at the time itself, and that these defense mechanisms have been active for a long time.

 

Part of her anger may have been turned into a competition with you. To prove to herself, that she was better than you. For instance, when you had a boyfriend, she may have felt the need to prove her worth - by taking your boyfriend from you, or by cheating with your boyfriend on you. This may have happened or not, but you get the idea.

 

For each time that happened, that might have made you angry. If you reacted in anger towards her, that is understandable. By doing so, however, the two of you have created the dynamics of a vicious circle. The longer it remains in existence, the harder it becomes to destroy it. It seems that this is what happened.

It may have had an effect on what she looked for in a long term partner.

 

An apology cannot erase everything that happened. Even the most profound apology. Everything that happened can sometimes be the reason for living in the way she does now. I know that seems strange at first. But think about it.

 

Her anger will also be reflected in opinions, in beliefs et cetera. And what once was physical anger might have turned into emotional anger, and later intellectual anger.

Her anger, right or wrong, has become an impenetrable shield of psychological defense. At the moment she does not perceive her defense mechanism as a problem. It is something you can't break down. Something she can't voluntarily break down.

 

Right or wrong is not a matter of importance in this situation. It is the underlying dynamics and issues that cause all the problems between the two of you.

 

Do not consciously avoid her. Do not go actively to seek her, but let things happen naturally. Be civil with her, but nothing more. If you want a meaningful relationship with her daughter, that is the best course of action. She is 15, and she will be perceptive enough in all probability of the issues that exist between the two of you.

If you can't do that, it might be better to stop all contact with her.

[Bunni]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

I think the first step to "fixing" things would be to admit that you're let your resentment override everything else. It colours your relationship with her on all levels, as I'm sure her resentment of you does with her.

 

 

I would suggest that when she starts to piss you off, leave. Stand up, and tell her "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" there is something to be said about taking the high road in family arguements.

 

Thanks Spock. Most useful and constructive, non attacking my character, advice you've given me yet. It's noticed and taken as food for thought.

 

I take the high road often, and will continue to do so without kissing or kicking her a** or apologizing any further

+ I will not be fixing anything anytime soon, there is nothing else to do.

 

 

Originally posted by d'Arthez

Bunni,

 

Whatever happened in the past has happened. That includes the things that lead to the issues you have now. You must not forget that it has also caused some mechanisms to be activated which she has used to protect herself from hurt from you, at the time itself, and that these defense mechanisms have been active for a long time.

 

Part of her anger may have been turned into a competition with you. To prove to herself, that she was better than you. For instance, when you had a boyfriend, she may have felt the need to prove her worth - by taking your boyfriend from you, or by cheating with your boyfriend on you. This may have happened or not, but you get the idea.

 

For each time that happened, that might have made you angry. If you reacted in anger towards her, that is understandable. By doing so, however, the two of you have created the dynamics of a vicious circle. The longer it remains in existence, the harder it becomes to destroy it. It seems that this is what happened.

It may have had an effect on what she looked for in a long term partner.

 

An apology cannot erase everything that happened. Even the most profound apology. Everything that happened can sometimes be the reason for living in the way she does now. I know that seems strange at first. But think about it.

 

Her anger will also be reflected in opinions, in beliefs et cetera. And what once was physical anger might have turned into emotional anger, and later intellectual anger.

Her anger, right or wrong, has become an impenetrable shield of psychological defense. At the moment she does not perceive her defense mechanism as a problem. It is something you can't break down. Something she can't voluntarily break down.

 

Right or wrong is not a matter of importance in this situation. It is the underlying dynamics and issues that cause all the problems between the two of you.

 

Do not consciously avoid her. Do not go actively to seek her, but let things happen naturally. Be civil with her, but nothing more. If you want a meaningful relationship with her daughter, that is the best course of action. She is 15, and she will be perceptive enough in all probability of the issues that exist between the two of you.

If you can't do that, it might be better to stop all contact with her.

 

Thanks a bunch for your reply D'arthez. I value your advice you seem very Intellagent and your advice is most helpful and gives me exellent food for thought. Thanx much!

[Bunni]

just wanted to be on top of the page

 

God I'm selfish sometimes lol

[Lil Honey]

Bunni:

 

I have a few questions.

 

What does your niece do to make your sister think that she is doing evil things? You have mentioned it a couple times and I'm just wondering. It could be that your niece is doing unacceptable things in your sisters opinion, but isn't in your opinion. For example, in college last night, a discussion started about young students wearing (OMG) pajamas to class. For a few students, they felt that it was okay. For ME, I thought it was inexcusable and disrespectful.

 

You said that your sister slept with your boyfriend. I can imagine how that hurt. BUT, please remember that your excuse for being a kid also holds true for her. AND your boyfriend ALSO cheated on you. Your sister did NOT act alone.

 

So, you said in one of your posts that you did something wrong "only once" yet your said that there were a "couple" fistfights. If I'm doing my math correctly, a couple is more than one time. So, please tell me what she did that inspired more than one fist fight?

 

I'd just like some clarity . . .

[Bunni]

Originally posted by Lil Honey

Bunni:

 

I have a few questions.

 

What does your niece do to make your sister think that she is doing evil things? You have mentioned it a couple times and I'm just wondering. It could be that your niece is doing unacceptable things in your sisters opinion, but isn't in your opinion. For example, in college last night, a discussion started about young students wearing (OMG) pajamas to class. For a few students, they felt that it was okay. For ME, I thought it was inexcusable and disrespectful.

 

You said that your sister slept with your boyfriend. I can imagine how that hurt. BUT, please remember that your excuse for being a kid also holds true for her. AND your boyfriend ALSO cheated on you. Your sister did NOT act alone.

 

So, you said in one of your posts that you did something wrong "only once" yet your said that there were a "couple" fistfights. If I'm doing my math correctly, a couple is more than one time. So, please tell me what she did that inspired more than one fist fight?

 

I'd just like some clarity . . .

 

Well....I am not 100% sure as to why she thinks her kid is so "evil". She is being a kid as far as I am concerned. I am sure she is going through a rebelious stage but I think all kids do. I think my whole point is the fact that she has a problem with me not sharing her opinion of my niece. If I were her mother I may have a different opinion and feelings but im sure the things and influences I have and have my kid grow up around will affect my children..like her actions have affected how her child acts.

 

Second she was old enough to have family values as to not sleep with a boyfriend of mine and really the "boyfriend" had less of alegiance to me than a "blood" relative. I am past it forsure but I only really brought it up feeling attacked by spock because of her personal (seeming) attack on me about my situation.

 

 

Thirdly,

 

Quote by me previous

You are under the assumption that she treated me like gold. How'd ya get there? Hey she fu**ed one of my boyfriends while I was sick in the hospital. Hows that for treatment. + I would hardly say that a couple fist fights is terrorizing someone

 

All arithmatic aside it was a unliteral statement made to show Spock that I did not feel like it was "terrorizing" someone. That seemed a little dramatic. But to be honest it was probably more than a couple times and it was my defence against her when she made me mad. Was the way I dealt with her right or wrong, why? Dont know. Only way I knew how to deal at the time I am guessing.

 

What did she do? Knew how to make me upset, verbal abuse possibly was enough to upset me to the point of fistacuffs so is verbal abuse better? I don't know to many people who just come out swinging for no reason (besides boxers) lol.

Anywho theres my clarification for ya.

[Lil Honey]

Originally posted by Bunni

Well....I am not 100% sure as to why she thinks her kid is so "evil". She is being a kid as far as I am concerned. I am sure she is going through a rebelious stage but I think all kids do. I think my whole point is the fact that she has a problem with me not sharing her opinion of my niece. If I were her mother I may have a different opinion and feelings but im sure the things and influences I have and have my kid grow up around will affect my children..like her actions have affected how her child acts.

 

Okay, well, I was hoping for an example or two of her evil-ness, but I guess my best advice would be to simply listen to your sister when she brings up your niece. Let me illustrate. I can't stand my daughter's boyfriend, so when she brings up something stupid that he did that mad her angry, I sit and listen. If she wants advice, I simply give her questions to ask herself. I do not tell her (anymore) exactly what I think of him. She has to handle it in her own way. There are a lot of times that folks just need someone to talk to, they need a shoulder to cry on in order to get things off their chest. Maybe your sister is showing a form of affection by confiding in you . . .

 

Second she was old enough to have family values as to not sleep with a boyfriend of mine and really the "boyfriend" had less of alegiance to me than a "blood" relative. I am past it forsure but I only really brought it up feeling attacked by spock because of her personal (seeming) attack on me about my situation.

 

I understand what you are saying. Really I do. But if he didn't allow it, it wouldn't have happened. Now, I'm not putting ALL the blame on him - I'm resting it on BOTH of them. Unfortunately, the only reason she did it was to get back at you for hurting her. Seems to be a huge vicious circle that someone has to break . . . IF you want a relationship with each other.

 

Thirdly, All arithmatic aside it was a unliteral statement made to show Spock that I did not feel like it was "terrorizing" someone. That seemed a little dramatic. But to be honest it was probably more than a couple times and it was my defence against her when she made me mad. Was the way I dealt with her right or wrong, why? Dont know. Only way I knew how to deal at the time I am guessing.

 

I know that you were upset by what Spock said. I think that he was only trying to get you to see both sides of the situation. As far "all arithmatic aside," I simply asked because I was pointing out that it seemed to me that you were dismissing the hurt you caused her because it was only "once" when it seemed like it was more than that. I wasn't trying to be a smart @ss. And I'm not thinking that she was an angel. It seems both of you learned in your childhood - from somewhere - how to hurt others.

 

What did she do? Knew how to make me upset, verbal abuse possibly was enough to upset me to the point of fistacuffs so is verbal abuse better? I don't know to many people who just come out swinging for no reason (besides boxers) lol. Anywho theres my clarification for ya.

 

No. Emotional and verbal abuse AREN'T "better". No one said that it is. It seems that both of you were at fault for the relationship that you now have. Hitting isn't "better" than emotional abuse and emotional abuse isn't "better" than hitting. You both ended up hurting each other and your future as siblings.

 

The question is: Do YOU want to do YOUR part in repairing it? Someone has to make the first step. Personally, if I wanted to try to fix it, I would write her a lengthy, heartfelt letter. There might be a need to re-visit the past and tell her how you felt (without pointing a finger at her). OTOH, there may be no need to re-visit the past. Just simply tell her that you want to mend the relationship, that you are aware that both of you hurt each other when you were younger, that you want to start over and apologize for YOUR part. This won't guarantee that she will accept your feelings or apology, but you can then say that you tried.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by Lil Honey

Okay, well, I was hoping for an example or two of her evil-ness, but I guess my best advice would be to simply listen to your sister when she brings up your niece. Let me illustrate. I can't stand my daughter's boyfriend, so when she brings up something stupid that he did that mad her angry, I sit and listen. If she wants advice, I simply give her questions to ask herself. I do not tell her (anymore) exactly what I think of him. She has to handle it in her own way. There are a lot of times that folks just need someone to talk to, they need a shoulder to cry on in order to get things off their chest. Maybe your sister is showing a form of affection by confiding in you . . .

 

This is GREAT advice. When I was with my abusive psychotic cokehead ex, the people who were really my friends listened to me bitch about him but made no commentary on his assholishness. Because it wasn't their place, really, it was my private life and my BS to deal with. Does that make sense? When they DID make comments I would just waste my breath making up excuses, defending my decisions or his actions, and just being stupid in general.