what would it take to disown a sister?

[Lil Honey]

Originally posted by blind_otter

assholishness

 

I LOVE when someone makes up a word that can be understood by everyone. It's like, Why wasn't that word "invented" before? I've been known to come up with a few myself, because I don't know how better to express myself.

[Bunni]

Well I don't care to fix anything with her at the moment. I would look further down on a sister rather boyfriend for sleeping around on me. Boys come and go family supposed to last forever.

I found spocks comments strictly one sided and not mine. Which is ok but seemed like she was in the situation the way she was calling me a jerk to my sister. But fact is she does not know the whole situation and from what shes read of my posts guess im a jerk to my sis

 

No matter good debate regardless.

+ my sister really I don't think was confiding in me she was looking for someone else to make believe her point of view, if I did not she blamed me for thinking shes a cruddy mother. The way I give advice or whatever is share my point of view hoping it may trigger them to figure out what they need to because sometimes in order to understand someone (like her kid) you may need to see what they are trying to say or validate them in some way.

 

Do you know how hard it is to deal with someone even as a adult who is "my way or the highway"? Sucks a** if you ask me. I always try to see the others point of view before I deny anything. At least then I can say I've thought about their point before I dismiss it. I think thats fair. + sometimes I may change my opinion after some thought or listening to someone elses points. So guess she needs a yes man someone to listen to her.

 

As far as what my niece does to make her evil I guess its just stuff I have no examples really cause I really do not understand what she does to make her mother think that. Good question.

 

And I have learned one thing from what you and blind_otter have said and that is that maybe she just wanting to vent. That is fine for sure guess when I talk to someone about my problems I want advice, I want a different point of view maybe there is something I am missing someone else may point out, even if the guy I am complaining about is a as*hole if all my friend agree maybe I would realize he wasn't for me. But if they didn't share it could take me longer to realize it. I like diff points of view I like learning and also if I am being a snatch I want and expect a friend to tell me so! I just like truth no sugar coating here.

 

Guess if we ever get over this I will just agree nod and smile no matter how right or wrong I think she is. Even tho I think that is doing someone an injustice. How can she learn if shes always right and no one debates her and challenges her thoughts. Its obvious she needs to learn something or change something if she can not make a decent relationship with her daughter. She may eventually have to budge on her opinion some time down the road to make it work! I wish her luck.

[Lil Honey]

Originally posted by Bunni

Well I don't care to fix anything with her at the moment. I would look further down on a sister rather boyfriend for sleeping around on me. Boys come and go family supposed to last forever.

That's true. I'm not one for forgiveness myself. My point simply was that you hurt her, she hurt you, and your boyfriend hurt you. Everyone hurt each other at some point and since everyone should be "even" by now, it IS possible to let the past be the past, move on from there and actually turn out to be close. However, it's apparent that you aren't interested in that. Understood.

 

I found spocks comments strictly one sided and not mine. Which is ok but seemed like she was in the situation the way she was calling me a jerk to my sister. But fact is she does not know the whole situation and from what shes read of my posts guess im a jerk to my sis

I'm not defending what Spock said, meant, eluded to, etc., because that is for Spock to do and I'm sure Spock doesn't need me to do it. BUT, I must say that whatever opinions or reactions you get is based solely on the information that you give in your posts. You are right, Spock wasn't there and neither was I, so we can only go by what we read/interpret. If I said that the sky was blue, one person might think that it was light blue with big, fluffy white clouds. Someone else might think that I was writing about a dark blue sky with rain on the way.

 

No matter good debate regardless.

+ my sister really I don't think was confiding in me she was looking for someone else to make believe her point of view, if I did not she blamed me for thinking shes a cruddy mother.

I can see why you say that. The reason I said that she might be confiding in you is that IF she really looks down on you (as you think/say she does) then why would she even look to you to believe her point? If she really looks down on you, why would she care what you think? My point is, that you might be wrong about what she thinks and how she says things. It is very easy for a miscommunication to start a huge misunderstanding.

 

Do you know how hard it is to deal with someone even as a adult who is "my way or the highway"? Sucks a** if you ask me.

Yeah, it IS hard. I know because I used to be a lot like that myself. I've learned (finally) over only the last few years how much easier my life is when I compromise. The thing is, I don't know a single person who doesn't like to be right. I know I like it.

 

I always try to see the others point of view before I deny anything. At least then I can say I've thought about their point before I dismiss it. I think thats fair. + sometimes I may change my opinion after some thought or listening to someone elses points. So guess she needs a yes man someone to listen to her.

Remember in one of your earlier posts that you said that you learned that hitting wasn't the way to solve problems? Maybe your sister has yet to learn that what she says needs to be thought out more or adjusted. Some people catch on quickly. Some (like myself) don't take a good look at ourselves until many years have passed. Still others never learn. *shrugging*

 

I have learned one thing from what you and blind_otter have said and that is that maybe she just wanting to vent. That is fine for sure guess when I talk to someone about my problems I want advice, I want a different point of view maybe there is something I am missing someone else may point out, even if the guy I am complaining about is a as*hole if all my friend agree maybe I would realize he wasn't for me. But if they didn't share it could take me longer to realize it. I like diff points of view I like learning and also if I am being a snatch I want and expect a friend to tell me so! I just like truth no sugar coating here.

That's good! BUT, your sister may just need to vent without advice. She IS different from you, even though you are sisters. Think of it like the difference between men and women communicating. Women (generally) like to talk about something and have the other person "feel" what she is saying. That is something that women do when they talk to each other. Now, if a woman talks to a man about something, he is likely to say, "Oh, well, just do X and it will be better." Then, he goes on to talk/do something else. The women wasn't necessarily asking for a solution, but was rather asking for a sounding board.

 

Guess if we ever get over this I will just agree nod and smile no matter how right or wrong I think she is. Even tho I think that is doing someone an injustice. How can she learn if shes always right and no one debates her and challenges her thoughts. Its obvious she needs to learn something or change something if she can not make a decent relationship with her daughter. She may eventually have to budge on her opinion some time down the road to make it work! I wish her luck.

Nodding and listening may seem like an "injustice" to you, but there is a saying that goes, "Choose your battles," which means, decide which issues are important. Is it more important to keep a good relationship or to speak your mind? Ten years from now, which would be remembered - and more important?

 

You could very well be right. You probably are that sometime down the road she will be forced to change her ways of thinking. That happened to me with my daughter. As I said, I don't like her boyfriend. I did everything possible to convince her that he is no good for her. I finally had to come to terms with the fact that she is going to be with him, no matter what I say/think/do. Soooo, I had to make a decision. Do I continue badgering her over him and chance that she learns to dispise me? Or do I try to get along with him in order to stay on good terms with my daughter? I chose the later.

[Bunni]

I actually kinda understood your point about just because you say something does not mean you are looking for a solution ( did you ever watch the movie with meg ryan oh whats it called oh when a man loves a woman?) Same idea which I most definatley understand cause my boyfriend always tries to "fix" everthing I complain about but 1/2 the time do need just to vent. So I do understand that. But I still kind of think sometimes that what kind of relationship do I have with someone if I can't speak my mind?

 

I may regret asking that cause it's probably not so great of thinking on my part.

 

I do understand to that people make judgements on the 411 I give them but Spock came in guns a blazin like she knew what was going on. Almost like she was there and did know everything. I almost thought she was my sister for a sec lol.

 

Also I never thought of her actually that y would she care what I thought if she did look down on me, maybe I am wrong but she is a total priss because of her boyfriend, since she's been with him she just acts too good for any of her family members and judges us constantly. I hear things she says too through my niece that makes me know she is judging us and talking down to us. I think thats aweful that she was raised in the same enviroment than me but is tootle de doo on herself. She tries to be perfect and act perfect and tries to make my niece do the same. Hard to live up to that bitc**s expectations all I can say is thank god I am not her daughter. I would go crazy. As far as I am concerned as well any one who thinks they are better than me or "perfect" are most imperfect if you ask me.

 

Who is she to judge me? She is no better off than me really and has nothing more than me so why is she so much better than me? I fart, I burp I swear at times she does none of the above. No wonder she's wound so tight lol, never thought of it that way before lol.

 

I do not judge her based on anything other than she does that to others and I think it stinks.

 

I've learned alot from you lil, thanks muchly

[blind_otter]

Bunni,

 

I had a blow-out last night with an old friend of mine and it made me think of your situation, because he really lit into me, telling me all these things I had been doing wrong all stemming from these old hurts that I had inflicted upon him and it really made me think. In the end we ended up apologizing to each other, not about what was said, because it was true - but about the situation. "Sorry that we fought like that, sorry that it was so dramatic and icky" -- that kind of thing.

 

It's amazing how much disagreement can come from miscommunication, and misinterpretation of communication. I assumed he knew I was joking around, he took what I said to heart and attacked me viciously in sensitive areas. Not cool, but people who know each other well and love each other a lot do that to each other often.

[Lil Honey]

Originally posted by Bunni

But I still kind of think sometimes that what kind of relationship do I have with someone if I can't speak my mind?

 

I may regret asking that cause it's probably not so great of thinking on my part.

I think that you have every right to be heard as a person, but usually folks "need to be heard" when they have a problem or are troubled over something.

 

I do understand to that people make judgements on the 411 I give them but Spock came in guns a blazin like she knew what was going on. Almost like she was there and did know everything. I almost thought she was my sister for a sec lol.

I think I have been that way before as well. I guess it's Spock's style vs your style. *shrugging*

 

Also I never thought of her actually that y would she care what I thought if she did look down on me, maybe I am wrong but she is a total priss because of her boyfriend, since she's been with him she just acts too good for any of her family members and judges us constantly. I hear things she says too through my niece that makes me know she is judging us and talking down to us.

If you view yourself as being just as good, then don't let what she may think bother you. Try to ignore her attitude.

 

I think thats aweful that she was raised in the same enviroment than me but is tootle de doo on herself. She tries to be perfect and act perfect and tries to make my niece do the same.

I don't see myself as being better than my family, but there ARE things that I do differently than was done when I was growing up. It may not be better for anyone but me. How I do things may make me feel better about myself (and THAT has been a long time coming).

 

Hard to live up to that bitc**s expectations all I can say is thank god I am not her daughter. I would go crazy. As far as I am concerned as well any one who thinks they are better than me or "perfect" are most imperfect if you ask me.

I understand. I am convinced that the most arrogant, snobby people have more issues than they want to face. I believe that they are SO insecure with themselves and what others think, that they overdo on the personality to make up for the insecurity, as to try to hide it.

 

Who is she to judge me? She is no better off than me really and has nothing more than me so why is she so much better than me?

She shouldn't judge you. It would be great if she loved you and you loved her. Lemme just throw this out to you . . . Is it possible that you feel inferior (even though you demand that you aren't) and her attitude only confirms and compounds your inner feelings? The reason I ask is because I have felt this way before. I felt so bad about myself that I sorta believed others when they came off as being better. I would get angry at them (for their attitude) and myself (for feeling never good enough). Of course, there ARE people out there that will use the fact that they KNOW it bothers you, so they do it all the more.

 

I fart, I burp I swear at times she does none of the above. No wonder she's wound so tight lol, never thought of it that way before lol.

Okay. Really. That was more than I wanted to know. LOL But, you saying that makes me wonder if she has set certain standards for her daughter. Let's face it, there are a lot fewer social rules than there used to be. For example, when I was in high school, you were made fun of if your bra strap was showing. Now, young women actually MAKE their undies show! Frankly, I've tried to raise my daughter to have a little self-pride and to see how socially unacceptable that should still be (IMHO).

 

I can see why you want to have little to do with your sister. I would hope that someday, both of you can come to terms and realize that being sisters can be a wonderful relationship.

[Bunni]

Hi lil,

 

No I do not feel inferrior to my sister whatsoever. I almost feel superior for being real to her perfect world fakeness. I am a reasonable person, caring, helpful and others I have a lot of good qualities ( I think) and have a open mind. I almost feel sorry for her that she thinks shes perfect and is not. I really just hate anyone who thinks they are better than me or thinks their poo don't smell. Its not a insecurity of mine at all. I know for a fact she has more personal issues than I because I know I am not perfect and do not feel I am better than anyone.

 

People who are like that just pis* me off in general.

 

I would love to be close with her quite honestly because we are only a year apart (she one year older) but she thinks she has so much more life experience than me and thinks that whole year makes her so much wiser than I do to life experience. Quite frankly I think thats rediculous. I think that may be one way she talks down to me (like im so much younger than her) thats just retarded. But like I was saying I would love to have a sister that wanted to hang out with me and wanted to go shopping and movies and etc.. but we are just so different and I could not imagine being friends with her type of person, so we even before these latest problems only really hung out at family events and did not make much effort to see each other otherwise.

 

Sad really but O well, I am over it.

[moon]

My sister and I had a good relationship growing up. We were really close, but once I hit high school and her middle school I guess (we were four school years apart) we both sort of went our own seperate ways. We didn't have a lot in common. It started as a sort of distance and moved on much later to a bit of tension. We just were never really around each other. We haven't lived in the same house for years and years.

 

A few years ago we actually had a fight. We just didn't get each other. Neither one of us knew where the other person was coming from. We were also very locked in our childhood roles. After the fight we didn't have a lot of contact for about a year and a half. Geography speaking we were very far away from each other. Then about six months ago we reunited. We both explained our sides of things and bang we were great friends again.

 

It's been sooo great. I have my sister back. Like I said we were best buddies when we were little kids, but distance and different lives pulled us apart. Plus you start relying on your family more when you get older. When you are young and in college or after you tend to want to be with your friends. Of course you like your friends when you are older too, but family remains a constant.

 

OP, my advice to you is to sceam, yell do whatever you have to to get it through your sister's head that you demand to be treated as an equal and she shouln't be demeaning you anymore. Tell her that you want to be close to her, but she's not treating you with respect and as a friend. Seriously, it's worth it to patch up problems with siblings. I never felt my sister and I really had big problems we just didn't think it was that important to be close. Now we realize it is. It just feels so familiar. My little sister, the one who I used to stay up with late at night telling stories, is now my close friend again. It's great. Keep working on that relationship!! But also know frequently there is a lot of junk you have to get past before you can have that warm and friendly relationship. You have to get past the family roles. I totally respect my sister now, but I have to admit for a long time she was just the little sister. Now I see her as a person and a grown up.

[moon]

My sister and I had a good relationship growing up. We were really close, but once I hit high school and her middle school I guess (we were four school years apart) we both sort of went our own seperate ways. We didn't have a lot in common. It started as a sort of distance and moved on much later to a bit of tension. We just were never really around each other. We haven't lived in the same house for years and years.

 

A few years ago we actually had a fight. We just didn't get each other. Neither one of us knew where the other person was coming from. We were also very locked in our childhood roles. After the fight we didn't have a lot of contact for about a year and a half. Geography speaking we were very far away from each other. Then about six months ago we reunited. We both explained our sides of things and bang we were great friends again.

 

It's been sooo great. I have my sister back. Like I said we were best buddies when we were little kids, but distance and different lives pulled us apart. Plus you start relying on your family more when you get older. When you are young and in college or after you tend to want to be with your friends. Of course you like your friends when you are older too, but family remains a constant.

 

OP, my advice to you is to sceam, yell do whatever you have to to get it through your sister's head that you demand to be treated as an equal and she shouln't be demeaning you anymore. Tell her that you want to be close to her, but she's not treating you with respect and as a friend. Seriously, it's worth it to patch up problems with siblings. I never felt my sister and I really had big problems we just didn't think it was that important to be close. Now we realize it is. It just feels so familiar. My little sister, the one who I used to stay up with late at night telling stories, is now my close friend again. It's great. Keep working on that relationship!! But also know frequently there is a lot of junk you have to get past before you can have that warm and friendly relationship. You have to get past the family roles. I totally respect my sister now, but I have to admit for a long time she was just the little sister. Now I see her as a person and a grown up.

[moon]

My sister and I had a good relationship growing up. We were really close, but once I hit high school and her middle school I guess (we were four school years apart) we both sort of went our own seperate ways. We didn't have a lot in common. It started as a sort of distance and moved on much later to a bit of tension. We just were never really around each other. We haven't lived in the same house for years and years.

 

A few years ago we actually had a fight. We just didn't get each other. Neither one of us knew where the other person was coming from. We were also very locked in our childhood roles. After the fight we didn't have a lot of contact for about a year and a half. Geography speaking we were very far away from each other. Then about six months ago we reunited. We both explained our sides of things and bang we were great friends again.

 

It's been sooo great. I have my sister back. Like I said we were best buddies when we were little kids, but distance and different lives pulled us apart. Plus you start relying on your family more when you get older. When you are young and in college or after you tend to want to be with your friends. Of course you like your friends when you are older too, but family remains a constant.

 

OP, my advice to you is to sceam, yell do whatever you have to to get it through your sister's head that you demand to be treated as an equal and she shouln't be demeaning you anymore. Tell her that you want to be close to her, but she's not treating you with respect and as a friend. Seriously, it's worth it to patch up problems with siblings. I never felt my sister and I really had big problems we just didn't think it was that important to be close. Now we realize it is. It just feels so familiar. My little sister, the one who I used to stay up with late at night telling stories, is now my close friend again. It's great. Keep working on that relationship!! But also know frequently there is a lot of junk you have to get past before you can have that warm and friendly relationship. You have to get past the family roles. I totally respect my sister now, but I have to admit for a long time she was just the little sister. Now I see her as a person and a grown up.

[seagirl]

I walk on eggshells arouns my sister all for the sake of my nephew and I will continue to do this until he is old enough to understand what is going on for himself and without anyone else slouding what he thinks. My sister lies for sport and thinks nothing of spreading gossip around like poison, my fear is that she will not let me near her little boy and right now he needs me. She has pushed the rest of the family away and he thinks it has something to do with him. My sister would rather have him think that than tell him the truth. if she is capable of finding it for herself.

 

 

How do you know that your sister kids are just like her if you havn't seen then since they were small?

 

Why would you tell her not to call back? Maybe she was just looking for the rest of her family.

[Bunni]

lol moon I think we get your story

 

I may try one day your yell and scream at her thing, thats just it, She does not see me as an equal which is total and utter crap. Maybe she dosnt realize she portrays herself like that, but it sucks a**.

She is really not as perfect as she wants to be, fo shore.

 

And sorry your sister is like that seagirl, sounds stressful. My sister too will put her feelings for me in the way of mine and my nieces relationship, my niece did also think she was the cause of it. Which is where the innocent suffer. She thinks my niece should just take her side no matter what cause she is her mother (right or wrong) I think she can feel for me what she wants but to drag my niece into it sucks on her part. Its a maturity thing as well I think.. what grown woman wants a child to pick sides? Stoopid if you ask me. Sign of inmaturity.

 

what can you do?? I just try to teach my niece to be her own person and have her own feelings period. Judge based on her own experience with me not her mothers...

[seagirl]

The things we will do for those kids, huh Bunni?

[cant keep signed in]

Lol seagirl thats for sure. I will love my niece regardless of who her mother is. I just am glad I can be a voice of (what I think is reason) in her life. You too for yours

[PattyB]

I am at a complete loss. My issues with my Sister are heartbreaking and very confusing for me. I will try to lay it out, and I would appreciate any insight as how to handle. I am torn by family loyalties, and self preservation.

 

My Sister is 6 years younger than me. She is the youngest of the three of us. I am the oldest. We have a brother in the middle. I was there the day my Sister was born. It was the happiest of days. My Father let me name her. I named her Brenda, after my best friend in kindergarten.

 

During our growing up years, we really didn't have too much in common. We were 6 years apart, so we were always on different tracks. I left home and got married when I had just turned 18, she was 12. My husband and the babies we subsequently moved to North Carolina. My husband was in the Marine Corps. We spent the next 6 years there.

 

I returned home to Oregon with my children when my husband was stationed in Okinawa. I knew that we were home to stay. Due to some pretty nasty abuse, we would not be joining him when he returned to the States.

 

It was at this time that we started our relationship, Sister:Sister. I loved getting to know her. She was living such an exciting life. She was going to school, working with kids in Outdoor School as a staff member, living the life of a twenty-something woman in an urban center. Where as, I had spent the past six years raising babies, trying to keep a marriage together, living life in a pair of cut-offs and flip-flops. I thought she was very cool.

 

Well, my Father passed away in an accident in the home soon after I returned home. It was devastating. It was at this time that I saw something that I did not understand. We were all called to the home when my Father was found. My Brother and I arrived at the same time. We were inconsolable... out to lunch.

 

My Sister arrived a short time later. Our Father was still lying on the floor in a pool of his own blood. My Sister walked in, went straight to his closet and picked out a suit for him to wear for his funeral. I was in shock. She seemed so cold, so removed. I don't remember exactly what I said to her, something to the effect "How can you be so cold and heartless?".

 

Later that day, when the whole clan gathered at our Grandmother's house, I found her crying to and with one of our Aunties, my Father's Sister. I was then placed on my Auntie's "short list" for having so hurt my Sister. Our family roles were set in stone in those very brief moments. My Sister the ever "enduring good girl", me the "encroaching bad girl". I was very hurt, and didn't understand the mantle I was to wear to a good many years.

 

This was the Aunt that had raised my Sister during her teenage years because of difficulties in the home. My Father's increasing use of alcohol, and my Mother's mental deterioration. She was like a second mother to my Sister. Let's just say I was out gunned

 

Well, time went on. My Sister and I took turns taking care of our Mother in our homes. Each of us going on with our lives. In the meantime, I was going through the whiplash effect of coming out of a bad marriage, where I had been the responsible partner throughout. I kicked up my heels, and had some fun.

 

I found that as a single parent I could make so much more money with fewer hours working as a bartender in a hot club here in town than I could working a day job. Although, we got involved in activities (substance abuse) that is frequently part of the bar scene, I made best friends with a couple of gals that I will have the rest of my life. Each experience is worthwhile, if lessons are learned.

 

Well, my job perpetuated the "bad girl" persona I was labeled with. Truth to tell, I even thumbed my nose at it all by doing things like wearing fish-net stockings and a sexy satin suit to Christmas dinner at my Grandmother's one year, shocking my Auntie to seizures. Perhaps it was immature and provoking. But, I can be stubborn in making a point.

 

Geez, I can be long winded. I've given you background as to how our family roles developed. I will need to break and continue tomorrow to lay out how we got to where we are today. Please be patient, and bear with me. I am in a jam and I need input from an outside source to navigate through this mess I find myself in.

[PattyB]

O.K . Now you know how our Sisterly roles developed. I am going to keep this last part more condensed, as I realized that I would need to write a book to go over all of the nuances of our relationship.

 

I'll start by saying even though my Sister is the youngest, she is by far the "Alpha" in the family. I am more the supporter. I want everyone to be happy and get along. My Sister's need to "be in charge" does not bother me, it's her need to control that irks me.

 

After my Father passed away, it was necessary to join forces to take care of our Mother. We had each taken a turn at doing it alone, and it was hard. This new arrangement allowed us to switch hit, and gave us the room to have a personal life too.

 

As years went by, my Sister got married and had children. Along the way we purchased a large house which gave us the room to live without stepping on each others life. My Sister was married, having children, living a domestic life. I was living a very focused life of going to school and making something of a career for myself. We had along the way switched roles.

 

My Sister could rule the roost, have a family, do all the things she needed to do to care for her family. I worked a corporate job in the IT field, as a Service Manager. We went along like this for some years, then I got sick. I got cancer and had to scale back in my workload to go through treatments. During the scaling back of my commitment to work, I was laid off. Which in so many ways was a relief. I was sick and I was tired.

 

Well, I took a year off and healed. When I was ready to go back to work, the industry had gone soft. The jobs just were not there, and those that were paid substantially less than when I left. Truth to tell. Being sick like that changes one. It causes a person to re-prioritize one's life, goals, desires for fulfillment.

 

I had put my personal life on hold while I conquered the world. There was also the thinly veiled message from my Sister that there was only room in the house for one couple. That when I decided to get married again, it would be time to sell the house. Well, as I hadn't found someone that I would want to spend any time with, it was pretty much a non-issue.

 

Maybe part of it is that I wanted to make sure that I was completely healed from my marriage and rough patch afterward trying to get my head together. I knew that I was special and needed my next relationship to be special as well. I was raised Mormon and was raised with very strong influences in regard to life. It was not all that hard to live a celibate life, as I believed whole heartedly that my special person was out there somewhere.

 

Well, life is very weird and sometimes very tragic. In the year after I recovered from my illness, my Mother died, and my nephew drowned in our pool at home. It was without a doubt the worst thing a family can go through. The type of horror that is beyond what words can explain. Our lives were turned upside down by this. We went through terrible grief in the home.

 

Suffice it to say, my Sister and Brother-in-law went nuts. My Brother-in-law started making inappropriate moves against my Daughter and myself. He would enter my room and touch me when I was sleeping on several occasions. It was horrible. I would wake up screaming, yelling, pushing him out of my room and slamming the door. I ended putting sturdy locks on my doors just so I could feel safe. My Sister was so lost in her grief she was no help in getting him to stop.

 

It wasn't until my brother-in-law started staying out all night and got himself a girlfriend in the neighborhood that my Sister started to wake up and did something. She kicked his butt out. He has lived with with his girlfriend for two+ years. They have yet to make any dissolution of the marriage legal.

 

So we have a household of open wounds, some of them being actively acted out. We have sibling rivalry, grief at the loss of a child in the home, and my Sister's loss of a marriage and a way of life.

 

Well, we kept the house together. It was hard because of our changes in income situations. But we did it.

 

Well, last November I met someone special. His name is Frank. He is someone that I believe that I could spend the rest of my life with. In January I spoke to my Sister that I wanted to move to the next level with Frank. I wanted him to move in. Room is not an issue. The house is huge. So huge in fact we have a renter in the basement.

 

Well, my Sister went freaking ballistic. She ranted that this would throw the balance off in the home. She worried that I would defer to Frank in issues that she felt was between her and I. Such as the running of the house, etc. She promised that she would poison the relationship. Inferred that I was incapable of having a relationship because of my years of celibacy. I won't even mention her innuendo that she and a prior boyfriend had been flirting with each other. Leaving it off with a twisted smile of self satisfaction.

 

She never did understand my reasons. During my self imposed "me time" she frequently scoffed at me that my not mating was out of fear. It was just that I hadn't met the person that I felt putting forth any effort. I didn't see any sense in trying to make a relationship out of something that didn't feel right.

 

Well, Frank did finally move in during March. He paid the same amount in rent that the renter in the basement paid. Even though he is my significant person and shared my room.

 

My Sister seemed to play cool for awhile. She was even friendly with him. But Frank kept telling me something wasn't right. He felt nervous around her. He was concerned because when ever my Sister and he had casual conversation little digs toward me were slipped in. When he would respond with "I have not found that to be true", she would respond with "you just don't know her". She was actively planting seeds of doubt between Frank and I.

 

Frank wondered what was going on because of her "concerned" comments. He would sometimes ask me weird questions, making weirdly veiled references to concerns of my being a sneaker drinker, a spend-a-holic, lazy, selfish, etc. I wondered where he was coming from. However, I had a pretty fair idea where this insight originated.

 

I have been dealing with my Sister for a long time. I know how she operates. I have often felt throughout the years that she has maligned my character to mutual friends, and acquaintances, etc. I have always felt that to fight the phantoms of innuendo with repeated denials are to give them credence. Besides, it was just a feeling. A perception I would get when walking in the door from work or the gym and she and the neighborhood gals would be gathered around the table or on the deck talking. Everyone looked at me so guiltily. It didn't take an Einstein to get the drift.

 

Well, I've always ignored it. Let people take me as I am. More often than not, people would warm up to me. I am a very kind person. I don't need to toot my horn, or brag about it. I don't feel the need to make sure everyone knows everything that I am up to. I live my life by my rules. They are... be honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and be good to all people. I don't find sitting around gossiping about people and ripping them to shreds entertaining. I am pretty standoffish around my Sister's friends because it seems that is all they do. Rip on whoever happens to NOT be there. Boring.

 

Well, I digress again. I asked my Sister about her undermining behavior. I mentioned some pretty nasty comments that she had told to mutual acquaintances. She took the defensive. She portrayed herself as a victim and that people don't need to be talking about her. I responded with, "then I would suggest that if you don't want something repeated, keep it to yourself", "or at the least be discreet", "better yet, if you don't have anything nice to say... don't say anything at all".

 

Well, all hell broke loose. She went nuts. Accusing me of thinking that I'm perfect. That I strut around "look at me... look at me". I was completely bowled over at what I was witnessing. She had lost it. She started screaming that she wants Frank out. That it was my fault that her son had drowned. I was home at the time, but so was she. I reminded her of that. That she was the responsible the adult/parent on duty. I was upstairs stripping beds, doing laundry.

 

It was ugly. She was all but foaming at the mouth with rage. I told her my relationship with Frank was mine alone and our future was not up to her. This house is half mine. This is a significant relationship for me, and that I deserved to explore it fully and without her interference.

 

I started to get nervous, she was eyeing the kitchen knife on the counter and I could see plainly what she was thinking. I told her that I would not discuss this with her any longer. I went upstairs to my room with our yelling profanities at each other the whole way. I got to the top of the stairs and she yelled that "Frank is out", "I want him out now". I yelled back that "it was not for her to say, and none of her business", I told her to "get control of her own life before she tries to control mine".

 

She came running up the stairs yelling that I had better run. Well, being the stubborn cuss that I am, I made the mistake of not running. She commenced to beat the crap out of me. When she couldn't reach me with her fists because I was defending myself with my legs, she started to stomp on me with her Doc Martins. It was pretty frightening. She was gone, out to lunch, She was insane. Once I pushed her off me, I ran into my room and locked the door. She kicked it in, and cackled insanely that a door can't stop her. We have not spoken since. It's been over a month. I don't see it getting any better.

 

Here is the gist of my problem. We mutually own this house. It's worth a substantial amount. It is equity heavy. I want to sell it and move, or her buy me out. She does not want to do anything. Inaction is an action. I have no desire to try to coddle her and work it out. I am eager to move on with my life and get the heck away from her.

 

This month she has been blackening my and Frank's name. She works in the neighborhood pub and has been spewing garbage to any yahoo that will listen. Frank has just been approached by a family friend that he had heard some scuttle that Frank was hooked up with some gal (me), and that Frank was trying to get at my money.

 

That is the biggest crock. Frank told me that he didn't want any part of it. But, he did advise me to put the money back in property. He wants it to be in my name. For another thing, Frank makes the money in this relationship. He makes a good income. My income pays my bills. That's about all, as I don't make that great of an income anymore. Any extras Frank takes care of. (He's very old world manly that way) So this is doubly insulting. How do you fight that kind of sewage. To be defensive makes it seem true. To continue to ignore it galls me. So here are my questions.

 

1. How do I encourage her to cooperate in selling the house. I need to get on with my life. This is not a safe place for me.

 

2. How do I get her to stop in her underhanded attacks. I am starting to see weird expressions on peoples face when I run into them in the store and such.

 

3. I don't even know how to get there. I can't even stand to look at her. I am disappointed in her complete lack of respect, and her betrayal.

 

Help! --Patty

[Bunni]

I do want to reply Patty but it's late I will get back to a response for ya hopefully soon. I will say your sister sounds like the "devil" I thought I had it bad. Sounds like someone has to grow up and it's not you.

 

Will try to get back more soon. In the meantime take care. Go to the gym and kick her a** ... big bully she is needs a fine tuning.

 

[Bunni]

Hey Patty,

 

I have a couple minutes to respond, I do think that your sister needs to grow up, and I myself used to hit my sister only when we were younger, I think your sister sounds old enough to handle things a little more maturley.

 

She should mind her own business about your relationship, and respect your boundries in the house since you do own 1/2. But I guess you know what she should be doing. You should maybe (*for now) have your loved one move out for now just till she subsibes her opinion of not to sell out, sounds like you need to play some games until you get what you want. May take a bit to smooth things over but when you get what you want, I would move far from her, she does sound evil. If she is of legal age an assult charge may be in order, just as a reminder she is NOT allowed to put her hands on another individual.

Also your hubby could be setting up a nice little nest for the two of you while you are dealing with this childish behaviour on her part.

 

 

 

You should be able to speak your mind without getting beat on. There may be legal things you can do to get out of this situation with your house and your sister, check into that, and also never forget you can not make these kind of deals with your sister, since she plays unfair.

 

I would also maybe take your name off of any bills and have them souly in her name then quit paying them, maybe if her credit is in jeopardy she will have a change of heart on selling out.

 

Hope this helps a bit Patty.

Good luck and fill me in on whats happening and if you are getting anywhere.