WS confusion

[badkarma2013]

badkarma, i started a thread on my situation in 2013. You can find it here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/421926-my-story-fww

 

hope this helps,

bsw

 

thank you...

[Friskyone4u]

Duck

As

Long as you make statements to her that the most important thing is that you R

For the kids and that you are willing to not put her out or do anything but talk to her , she is not only the cheater but is also in total control here.

She should be trying to earn your trust and you can't even get a timone that you believe. I agree with those who say she has regret she got caught.

She has already cheated again by betraying NC. And she will find another app to break it again .

Your main goal should not be to save your marriage. Your main goal needs to be to remove yourself from infidelity and if she wants to come along great.

I would see an attorney and tell her you refuse to live in a marriage with three people in it and let her know that the next time she breaks NC will be the last.

At that point you have regained control of some power in this relationship

Nicing her back is not going to work

[duckrabbit]

Some responses:

 

 

Yes, I realize that I have codependency issues and plan on addressing those with the IC. I have had them in past relationships, but thought that I had worked past those already.

 

 

I put the question directly to her at one point about whether she regretted the affair or being caught and she didn't really respond. I am leaning toward agreeing with you about her true reactions.

 

 

Thanks for your response, Bittersweetie. I have already set a six month goal for myself to see real work on her part to fix things. Do I share this goal with her or ride it out? Right now, I feel like she will continue to try and put on the mask of normality and not understand the extent of the damage.

[loveboid]

Right now, I feel like she will continue to try and put on the mask of normality and not understand the extent of the damage.

 

I think you gotta be careful about willful ignorance. When someone has decided to do wrong they intentionally avoid thinking of the consequences of hurting others. As someone else mentioned, she's still cheating on you if she's still contacting him. It's not coincidence, in my opinion, that she seems not to understand.

 

I encourage you to start or keep researching infidelity. Many betrayed husbands I have seen on this board who choose to reconcile say they feel the marriage is not the same and even seem to me to regret staying. One man says he's felt dead inside ever since the betrayal and is waiting for death to end the pain. In my opinion, no one should stay for that. Are you sure you want to stay even a second longer?

[badkarma2013]

I think you gotta be careful about willful ignorance. When someone has decided to do wrong they intentionally avoid thinking of the consequences of hurting others. As someone else mentioned, she's still cheating on you if she's still contacting him. It's not coincidence, in my opinion, that she seems not to understand.

 

I encourage you to start or keep researching infidelity. Many betrayed husbands I have seen on this board who choose to reconcile say they feel the marriage is not the same and even seem to me to regret staying. One man says he's felt dead inside ever since the betrayal and is waiting for death to end the pain. In my opinion, no one should stay for that. Are you sure you want to stay even a second longer?

 

 

There are couples here and on another site...The BH decides to R...WW continues to trickle truth and minimize affair...over time he finds out things he wish he had not...NOW YEARS later he still Triggers ...Has Self Esteem issues..etc...for YEARS...for the Love Of God Why?...

 

End the misery...by the way The WW in these cases is the Misery..

[loveboid]

NOW YEARS later he still Triggers ...Has Self Esteem issues..etc...for YEARS...for the Love Of God Why?...

 

Yes, this is true. The man who said he feels dead inside said it years after reconciliation.

[Bittersweetie]

Thanks for your response, Bittersweetie. I have already set a six month goal for myself to see real work on her part to fix things. Do I share this goal with her or ride it out? Right now, I feel like she will continue to try and put on the mask of normality and not understand the extent of the damage.

 

I do not think there is a need to share your deadline with your WW, this is a goal for yourself to see where you both are at that time and what progress has been made. You should make the best decision for yourself. Yes, some BH stay in the marriage and are never happy again. Other BH stay and are at peace with that decision. Each choice is based on the person and their situation. IMO, for reconciliation to be successful, both parties need to be 100% fully committed and willing to do any work necessary. At that point the couple builds a new, stronger relationship. Some people are OK with that; others are not. Do what is best for you.

 

Good luck, BSW

[drifter777]

Some responses:

 

 

Yes, I realize that I have codependency issues and plan on addressing those with the IC. I have had them in past relationships, but thought that I had worked past those already.

Make sure you tell your counselor that you are afraid that codependency is coloring your true emotions. That maybe you can't feel what her cheating really has done to you. That you don't want to make a "codependent decision" that you will live to regret for the rest of your life.

 

I think you are in real crisis right now and should be seeing your IC soon and often. You are still in a state of shocked panic and will cling to anything that gives you hope of righting your emotional ship. You are far too vulnerable to your WW's manipulation and need help to get through this with your psyche intact.

[beach]

Since she hasn't had any really hurtful consequences - she's not likely to repair the damage she caused.

 

Looks like she's overcompensating to cover up her bad behavior in her attempt to have you rug sweep.

 

Once things quiet down- and you stop paying close attention - she can start up again.

 

That's not reconciliation - that's using you for her own selfish needs.

 

Does she work? What consequences would you consider imposing to make HER feel remorse - so much so that she gets motivated to treat you right?

[beach]

Why didn't you kick her to the curb when she broke no contact?

 

 

You need to get stronger and stop allowing her to rule you.

 

She's not working to be a better wife. She's changed her passwords when you asked for transparency - she broke no contact when you said not to contact him.

 

She may be depressed so she needs intensive help - but that's still no excuse for cheating.

 

You have waited so long to take action and she's still walking all over you and using sex to manipulate you.

 

 

Your lack of taking action has made you look really weak...so much so that she has no reason to be faithful = there's no consequences. She's probably thinking what a fool you are to believe her when her actions don't match.

 

If she's that unstable have her check in somewhere long term. Get your kids full time and divorce her. Someone that unstable would have a difficult time being a strong, consistent positive role model for kids.

 

Take the kids and get set up so you can find proper care for them while you work.

 

Have a counselor help you with boundaries, action, codependency and white knight syndrome.

 

 

 

I think others suggested DNA testing knowing that she may have cheated before. It's not a bad idea since she's unpredictable and unstable...and could have cheated in the past. Wouldn't hurt to know.

Edited January 4, 2015 by beach