Back in.. back out

[anabel32]

Hi,

 

I was here once sometime back when I broke it off with my MM of 2 years. He couldn't find time, thought of having a baby with his wife and generally we were more in friends with benefits then in love affair. After few months of NC we both reached out, started talking and went back in. It was great for few months but now I am in the same boat- attached, hurt, waiting for crumbs from his end. I know that he never promises anything, we are both honest with each other. It is just me- emotionally involved and therefore demanding and getting hurt when he cannot spend time or keep in touch like before.

 

I had an open conversation with him and I told him all that. i said that if I was more relaxed, it would have been so much easier, that we both know it will need to end at some point but I am simply too involved to simply enjoy what we share. That i don't want to be like that anymore, I don't want to settle for less. He understood me, he said whatever I decide he will be my friend, that he believes we have great connection and we should stay in touch. He also said that he likes me a lot but started to feel guilty about it all and it would be better if we both stay just friends. I agreed.

 

He was writing to me every day over Christmas, asked me to keep him posted on my travels. And I did... wrote him a lot on Saturday and Sunday but he hasn't replied since.

 

Now it is Monday, we always reached out every morning to say good morning and check how was our weekend. He said he will be online to chat with me last week when he had this conversation, but he hasn't logged in...

 

He said last week so much stuff that he still wants to be in my life, even though we decided both to cut out the emotional and physical part out.. why he is acting otherwise now... Please help me to understand. Does he needs space, did he think it through and decided it is better to stay NC for some time? Shall I ask him about it or just stay away?? Please help... the beginning of the end are so hard.

[Cocochai]

Hi,

 

I was here once sometime back when I broke it off with my MM of 2 years. He couldn't find time, thought of having a baby with his wife and generally we were more in friends with benefits then in love affair. After few months of NC we both reached out, started talking and went back in. It was great for few months but now I am in the same boat- attached, hurt, waiting for crumbs from his end. I know that he never promises anything, we are both honest with each other. It is just me- emotionally involved and therefore demanding and getting hurt when he cannot spend time or keep in touch like before.

 

I had an open conversation with him and I told him all that. i said that if I was more relaxed, it would have been so much easier, that we both know it will need to end at some point but I am simply too involved to simply enjoy what we share. That i don't want to be like that anymore, I don't want to settle for less. He understood me, he said whatever I decide he will be my friend, that he believes we have great connection and we should stay in touch. He also said that he likes me a lot but started to feel guilty about it all and it would be better if we both stay just friends. I agreed.

 

He was writing to me every day over Christmas, asked me to keep him posted on my travels. And I did... wrote him a lot on Saturday and Sunday but he hasn't replied since.

 

Now it is Monday, we always reached out every morning to say good morning and check how was our weekend. He said he will be online to chat with me last week when he had this conversation, but he hasn't logged in...

 

He said last week so much stuff that he still wants to be in my life, even though we decided both to cut out the emotional and physical part out.. why he is acting otherwise now... Please help me to understand. Does he needs space, did he think it through and decided it is better to stay NC for some time? Shall I ask him about it or just stay away?? Please help... the beginning of the end are so hard.

 

Sorry your going through this and I am where you are. I went from keeping in contact w/ my MM everyday for almost 2years to now maybe 4 times a month. The BS can track what he does so to play it safe we only communicate when we want to see each other. This past Christmas Day was the first time in three years he didn't wish me a Happy Holidays. We were suppose to hang that Sat after and he text me saying he was sorry but couldn't make it. I pretty much responded that I couldn't either (I truly couldn't ), but I will let him know when it's good for me rather then waiting on him... Not sure if I ever will let him know again.

 

Remember, he still has a family of his own and it sounds like the A is something he wants, but of course not needed.

 

Put your own wants first. Your like myself, I need emotional support not just when you want me physically.

[jellybean89]

He isn't going to go right back to what it was...that's the same thing you are trying to end. Friends don't have to stay in touch daily. You writing him daily shows you are still involved in the emotional affair. Him, not so much.

 

Leave him be...stop reaching out to him. Stop expecting him to be your emotional couch to lean on. Find new friends to hang out with.

[Broom]

He's pretty much withdrawn and checked out to meet your level of needs out of this "relationship" or whatever.

 

For you to continue to want, need, and expect these things to happen is going to hurt worse. It would be best to initiate NC on YOUR terms before he did himself.

 

Trust me, it will hurt a lot worse if he just dropped you NC without you being able to get any answers and stuck wondering why.

[nikki76]

Hes not putting you first, or even 2nd. You need to end this before you get even deeper involved.

 

My xap was the same exact way. I finally just ended it, cold turkey last Saturday. Hurts like hell. But I know if I gave him a warning, he would give me the old bull crap excuses and I would fall for it.

 

Ive had enough and I ended it in my terms. Which for me, is the best way.

 

Waiting around for someone to message, can drive you insane. I know it did for me. Its just not worth it.

[Satu]

Delete, block, forget.

 

Everything else is pointless.

[anabel32]

Thank you all,

 

He finally logged in to the chat we have, but acts very withdrawn. Send me a quick message but haven't asked how I was etc etc... just stated his day has been very busy, that is all... not sure what to think but i guess it shouldn't matter what is true at his end.. this situation is driving me insane.. maybe being friends just wouldn't work at this point...

For him being friends means that I will drop my emotional expectations and still be there for him, however not being able to ask for what I need.. giving him therefore space to do what he wants. That just hurts. A lot.

[nikki76]

Thank you all,

 

He finally logged in to the chat we have, but acts very withdrawn. Send me a quick message but haven't asked how I was etc etc... just stated his day has been very busy, that is all... not sure what to think but i guess it shouldn't matter what is true at his end.. this situation is driving me insane.. maybe being friends just wouldn't work at this point...

For him being friends means that I will drop my emotional expectations and still be there for him, however not being able to ask for what I need.. giving him therefore space to do what he wants. That just hurts. A lot.

 

You HAVE to end this. This is exactly how my xAP was. Wouldnt hear from him for days. Would finally text me and I would feel so relieved. Would tell me how busy he was, blah blah.

Busiest man on the planet!!! (Rolling my eyes)

 

You cant be friends with him. This cycle will just continue for the entire life of your A. And thats not fair to YOU!!!

You have 2 years invested in this. I cant imagine how hard that will be to end it. Mine was only 9months. Hes my H friend. He stood up in our wedding. Our familes and kids are friends. Its going to be tough, but there is no other way.

 

But, youre not going anywhere but in circles with this guy.

[Broom]

Thank you all,

 

He finally logged in to the chat we have, but acts very withdrawn. Send me a quick message but haven't asked how I was etc etc... just stated his day has been very busy, that is all... not sure what to think but i guess it shouldn't matter what is true at his end.. this situation is driving me insane.. maybe being friends just wouldn't work at this point...

For him being friends means that I will drop my emotional expectations and still be there for him, however not being able to ask for what I need.. giving him therefore space to do what he wants. That just hurts. A lot.

 

 

In your mind you think you can handle this kind of separation. You think that it is possible for you to JUST be friends with him and drop everything else.

 

Trust me in saying that it is not possible for you. It has to be all or nothing. And since he already has proven he cannot give you all, you need to go NC.

 

Don't try to trick yourself into thinking you can handle being there for him in some kind of diminished capacity. Eventually, you will just become resentful or spiteful or find yourself only doing that still hoping that he will realize and give you more.

 

It's not going to work.

[Rainbowlove]

I agree with everyone else. End it.

 

Nothing good is coming of it on your end and that's the only end that truly matters here.

 

How do you stop being emotionally attached while in contact with him?? You can't. You have got to move on from him. Let it go. Let it end. Let it alone.

 

It's brutal - ending it, but as time goes on, you can start to heal. Getting bits and pieces and crumbs from him will only continue your suffering and feelings of insanity.

 

Feel the hurt - all of it. Feel the anger - all of it. Feel the loss - all of it.

 

Take the hits as they come, and put each day of NC behind you in your back pocket. That's the only way to gather strength and piece of mind.

 

Be mindful of what you want and be present with it - practice self-care.

[anabel32]

Makes sense...thank you. your replies make it so much more straight in my head for me..

 

Do I tell him I want to go NC or do I just go NC...? We talked a bit on the chat today, but he hardly replied to any of my messages. He ignored completly the last two I sent, wishing him a nice evening and hoping the day at work hasn't been too hard on him today. he didn't reply to this just, he just rushed out and logged off the chat.. I will not log in again to this application, that is certain. But do I send him an email, explaining how I feel, that being friends would be too hard for me, or do I just simply ignore him and go NC from here?

[Broom]

Makes sense...thank you. your replies make it so much more straight in my head for me..

 

Do I tell him I want to go NC or do I just go NC...? We talked a bit on the chat today, but he hardly replied to any of my messages. He ignored completly the last two I sent, wishing him a nice evening and hoping the day at work hasn't been too hard on him today. he didn't reply to this just, he just rushed out and logged off the chat.. I will not log in again to this application, that is certain. But do I send him an email, explaining how I feel, that being friends would be too hard for me, or do I just simply ignore him and go NC from here?

 

 

1. You do not tell him you want to go NC. This implies that you are hovering it above his head. "I'm about to stop talking to you FOREVER unless you do....."

 

When you tell someone that you're about to cut them off, 99% of the time it is because you really wish they would do something to change your mind.

 

2. As you can see, he is already ignoring your basic messages and casual conversation. And these things are not even emotionally charged or anything confrontational. The last thing he will care about or want to deal with is some wall of text about how you're never going to speak to him again.

 

3. After you type up this declaration and send it, you'll only feel worse after he ignores that as well and makes no play to win you over or change things. It will just be another painful reminder of how little to mean to him.

 

4. Going NC without any notice to him or any reason why is best. If he cares at all about you, he'll at least be wondering and confused as to what happened. Not saying that he'll reach out, but at least you'd have a chance of being on his mind while you continue to be NC. Think of it as a minor victory.

 

Salvage what you can, but do not keep trying to be there for him. He obviously doesn't care as he is ignoring your messages as is and not really interested in any kind of support from you.

[Satu]

Makes sense...thank you. your replies make it so much more straight in my head for me..

 

Do I tell him I want to go NC or do I just go NC...? We talked a bit on the chat today, but he hardly replied to any of my messages. He ignored completly the last two I sent, wishing him a nice evening and hoping the day at work hasn't been too hard on him today. he didn't reply to this just, he just rushed out and logged off the chat.. I will not log in again to this application, that is certain. But do I send him an email, explaining how I feel, that being friends would be too hard for me, or do I just simply ignore him and go NC from here?

 

Don't speak another word to him - just pull the plug.

 

Delete, block, ignore.

[anabel32]

1. You do not tell him you want to go NC. This implies that you are hovering it above his head. "I'm about to stop talking to you FOREVER unless you do....."

 

When you tell someone that you're about to cut them off, 99% of the time it is because you really wish they would do something to change your mind.

 

2. As you can see, he is already ignoring your basic messages and casual conversation. And these things are not even emotionally charged or anything confrontational. The last thing he will care about or want to deal with is some wall of text about how you're never going to speak to him again.

 

3. After you type up this declaration and send it, you'll only feel worse after he ignores that as well and makes no play to win you over or change things. It will just be another painful reminder of how little to mean to him.

 

4. Going NC without any notice to him or any reason why is best. If he cares at all about you, he'll at least be wondering and confused as to what happened. Not saying that he'll reach out, but at least you'd have a chance of being on his mind while you continue to be NC. Think of it as a minor victory.

 

Salvage what you can, but do not keep trying to be there for him. He obviously doesn't care as he is ignoring your messages as is and not really interested in any kind of support from you.

 

I know I might be looking for excuses within myself... but I have last one question. I want to go with NC and finally detach from this relationship for good, but looks like I need to have clear explanation within myself why and how I am doing this... so my last question is.. how do I justify to myself the not getting in touch to wish him Happy New Year in three days time? He has bombarded me with emails over Christmas (after we decided to just be friends) with wishes and best thoughts... how do I justify to myself to stay NC and not send a small line to wish him all the best? Or can this just be one exception in the whole NC thing?

[Satu]

I know I might be looking for excuses within myself... but I have last one question. I want to go with NC and finally detach from this relationship for good, but looks like I need to have clear explanation within myself why and how I am doing this... so my last question is.. how do I justify to myself the not getting in touch to wish him Happy New Year in three days time? He has bombarded me with emails over Christmas (after we decided to just be friends) with wishes and best thoughts... how do I justify to myself to stay NC and not send a small line to wish him all the best? Or can this just be one exception in the whole NC thing?

 

You don't need to justify it as if you were sitting before a judge.

 

A regards needing one more contact, only you know if that's a thing you need to do.

 

Make your mind up and do what you think best.

[nikki76]

Because its just one more excuse to hang on to him. Hoping he will beg for you back. Trust me, I'm not trying to be mean. I know exactly the questions you are asking.

 

Rip that band aid off and just do it.

 

I literally just received a New Years Card in the mail from xAP family....with family pictures of his vacation over the summer. (Which he was texting me every day on his vacation)

Seeing his face...hit me like a ton of bricks. My daughter keeps walking around with it looking at it. All I want to do is shred it to pieces. I feel like this is setting me back. But I have no choice but to be strong. And you have to be strong too!!

 

As soon as I can I'm going to set that card on fire..literally. and I cant wait!

[GoldieLox]

I know I might be looking for excuses within myself... but I have last one question. I want to go with NC and finally detach from this relationship for good, but looks like I need to have clear explanation within myself why and how I am doing this... so my last question is.. how do I justify to myself the not getting in touch to wish him Happy New Year in three days time? He has bombarded me with emails over Christmas (after we decided to just be friends) with wishes and best thoughts... how do I justify to myself to stay NC and not send a small line to wish him all the best? Or can this just be one exception in the whole NC thing?

 

No exceptions. Once you find an exception, you will find another one. Then another one. Then it turns into a pattern, and before you know it, you've blown the whole concept of 'NC'. Don't tell him you're going NC, as everyone else said, just do it. He's already begun to distance himself from you. Do NC on your terms so you can save yourself some dignity and sanity.

[anabel32]

Awww.... okk. Will do my best to stick to it, I know once the NY hits, it will be easier, but getting through the NY day it is going to be hard... as I have very soft heart for him and not reaching out to wish him all the best I can honestly admit is going to hurt me too bad and will be one of the hardest thing .. Thank you for the support here..

[Darren Steez]

He has a booty call at his beck and call, of course he's going to say stuff like I'll always be your friend and be there for you.

 

You might think what he's doing is some sort of game playing, but it really just appears to be genuine lack of interest, thus the short messages and general can't be botheredness. Which is actually a trip because sometimes the more a person is withdrawn and disinterested, the more the other person tries to dissect the behavior and fight harder to get the attention.

 

Seems your first hurdle is NY day. Here's what I'll predict will happen even if you don't reply

 

He'll send a happy new years text, He'll send another text that same days or a couple of days later fishing for a response. He might go away for a while but when he gets bored of home life he'll try to start up another convo and come across as Mr Amazing, a total 180 from how he's been acting recently.

 

NY day, new year. This relationship has no future. Make the day symbolic for finally getting him out of your life and putting yourself first.

[anabel32]

He has a booty call at his beck and call, of course he's going to say stuff like I'll always be your friend and be there for you.

 

You might think what he's doing is some sort of game playing, but it really just appears to be genuine lack of interest, thus the short messages and general can't be botheredness. Which is actually a trip because sometimes the more a person is withdrawn and disinterested, the more the other person tries to dissect the behavior and fight harder to get the attention.

 

Seems your first hurdle is NY day. Here's what I'll predict will happen even if you don't reply

 

He'll send a happy new years text, He'll send another text that same days or a couple of days later fishing for a response. He might go away for a while but when he gets bored of home life he'll try to start up another convo and come across as Mr Amazing, a total 180 from how he's been acting recently.

 

NY day, new year. This relationship has no future. Make the day symbolic for finally getting him out of your life and putting yourself first.

 

Thank you Darren, it is great advise. It is hard to think straight, when it is so fresh and emotions are all over the place... I trully believed he had genuine interest in me as a person and we had chance to be good friends going forward.. so much has connected us on the way, this is what he expressed last week with such confidence and the fact that he was in touch over Christmas every day- he initiated all the messages. But now there is nothing from him at all, complete ignorance of my existance, my chat messages yesterday. I have to take it for what i see it is.. looks like people here on this forum knows more about my relationship with him that I know myself. Him blowing hot and cold simply shows he has no genuine intentions, even to carry on as friends ...

I will do my best to stick to NC- promise to myself i can make. Hope I am strong enough to stick to it. Thank you..

[nikki76]

Thank you Darren, it is great advise. It is hard to think straight, when it is so fresh and emotions are all overthe place... I trully believed he had genuine interest in me as a person and we had chance to be good friends going forward.. so much has connected us on the way, this is what he expressed last week with such confidence and the fact that he was in touch over Christmas every day- he initiated all the messages. But now there is nothing from him at all, complete ignorance of my existance, my chat messages yesterday. I have to take it for what i see it is.. looks like people here on this forum knows more about my relationship with him that I know myself. Him blowing hot and cold simply shows he has no genuine intentions, even to carry on as friends ...

I will do my best to stick to NC- promise to myself i can make. Hope I am strong enough to stick to it. Thank you..

 

You are strong enough. If I I can do it, I'm confident you can too. I'm on day 10 (but whose counting lol). When u have weak moments, go on here. They will set you straight. PM me if you'd like. We can do this together.

 

I'm using the New Year to help me through this. Out with the old, in with the new.

[nikki76]

I was just at the healthclub and saw a commercial for the movie Unbroken. There was a saying across the screen "Never give up, Never give in"

 

I smiled to myself. I thought it was a perfect saying for our situation

[anabel32]

You are strong enough. If I I can do it, I'm confident you can too. I'm on day 10 (but whose counting lol). When u have weak moments, go on here. They will set you straight. PM me if you'd like. We can do this together.

 

I'm using the New Year to help me through this. Out with the old, in with the new.

 

THank you so much Nikki Amazing support on this forum... it is so hard though to go NC after 2.5 years...without explanation, without talk.. He got in touch with me after new year with short wishes and logged in and emailed me on Monday morning, like normally he would, but of course his email blew with coldness.. I just couldn't imagine not logging in.. not talking to him, just leave without no final closure and explanations for how I felt. I wanted to talk to him but I was scared.. and didn't do that. I felt to myself that maybe I will overreact, that maybe I should let me emotions cool down before I make a final end talk or whatever... I really don't know how to end it, we put an end to the physical part of our relationship, he withdrew also with his emotions from all other communication... I guess we just pretend we are friends. But it is so hard for me as I have feelings and I feel like I settled down for less. Like he doesn't have to message me anymore, call me... but somehow drags me on with my attention that I give him everyday. I don't know what to do, what to say... I feel like I am too weak for NC.. Please help me to put an end to this torture...

[anabel32]

Looks like I just need to let it out, I have no one to talk to about my affair, so I feel like this is the only place here..

 

I know that I have been running round in circles, but this is how I feel at this point. I re-read 10 times each of your support replies and feeling much better. Ready to go with NC from now on. Although I feel like messaging him and asking him why he hasn't replied to my weekend email, even though he promised he will stay in touch last week.. I will not do that. I guess I need to write it down here so I make a commiting statement to myself. I want to let him go, let him get on with his life and family. Many of you stated here on forum that being the OW/OM is like an addition... it is indeed. Hard to quit. Does anyone has any recommendation about good articles or books that I can find online, to help me go through all that? Anything that has helped any of you to stay away... thank you for all support.

[Broom]

Yeah, you need some kind of life distraction. It's gotta be either your circle of friends or some kind or hobby or just posting on here whenever you feel weak.

 

It's understandable that you have your reservations about NC. Gotta fill that void of your MM with something healthier. And please do not message him asking why he hasn't responded or paid you enough attention. Deep down you already know the answer to that.