Eighty_nine Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 (edited) Looks like I just need to let it out, I have no one to talk to about my affair, so I feel like this is the only place here.. I know that I have been running round in circles, but this is how I feel at this point. I re-read 10 times each of your support replies and feeling much better. Ready to go with NC from now on. Although I feel like messaging him and asking him why he hasn't replied to my weekend email, even though he promised he will stay in touch last week.. I will not do that. I guess I need to write it down here so I make a commiting statement to myself. I want to let him go, let him get on with his life and family. Many of you stated here on forum that being the OW/OM is like an addition... it is indeed. Hard to quit. Does anyone has any recommendation about good articles or books that I can find online, to help me go through all that? Anything that has helped any of you to stay away... thank you for all support. Anabel, feel free to PM me when you want to message him. I did have an AP once, so I know where you're coming from there, although we were much less emotionally attached to each other than you are to yours so I was able to end it when I met someone I wanted to date. But what I can really relate to is the NC struggle. I was in an extremely unhealthy, borderline emotionally abusive relationship with someone who just wasn't that into me for a year. He treated me poorly but would not end it. I had to go NC with him and it was one of the hardest, most difficult things I have ever done in my LIFE. At the beginning when he'd text me still I was so relieved at first and tempted to respond but it always led to more despair, having him and his mixed messages around. I'd describe every day of the first month of NC as absolute hell, and I 'fell off the wagon' twice. But I'm 4 months in of NC and about 2 months ago I met a wonderful person who is now my boyfriend. I can't tell you how GRATEFUL I am that I cut this other person out of my life, even though it was nothing short of AGONY at the time. Anyway, please please stick it out. It's awful, but worth it. I wouldn't be happily falling in love right now-- with someone who treats me like gold-- had I not gone NC with my manipulative, selfish ex. Also-- when I was first NC i read "Why Men Love Bitches" and "Why Men Marry Bitches" and all of Natalie Lue's books. (Look up the titles of her books, I'm forgetting them, but every one is great and very helpful). They're really about what to accept & not accept from a man and how those limits and boundaries make you infinitely more attractive to men- and most importantly are MUCH better for your own mental health. Edited January 5, 2015 by lissvarna 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author anabel32 Posted January 6, 2015 Author Share Posted January 6, 2015 (edited) Anabel, feel free to PM me when you want to message him. I did have an AP once, so I know where you're coming from there, although we were much less emotionally attached to each other than you are to yours so I was able to end it when I met someone I wanted to date. But what I can really relate to is the NC struggle. I was in an extremely unhealthy, borderline emotionally abusive relationship with someone who just wasn't that into me for a year. He treated me poorly but would not end it. I had to go NC with him and it was one of the hardest, most difficult things I have ever done in my LIFE. At the beginning when he'd text me still I was so relieved at first and tempted to respond but it always led to more despair, having him and his mixed messages around. I'd describe every day of the first month of NC as absolute hell, and I 'fell off the wagon' twice. But I'm 4 months in of NC and about 2 months ago I met a wonderful person who is now my boyfriend. I can't tell you how GRATEFUL I am that I cut this other person out of my life, even though it was nothing short of AGONY at the time. Anyway, please please stick it out. It's awful, but worth it. I wouldn't be happily falling in love right now-- with someone who treats me like gold-- had I not gone NC with my manipulative, selfish ex. Also-- when I was first NC i read "Why Men Love Bitches" and "Why Men Marry Bitches" and all of Natalie Lue's books. (Look up the titles of her books, I'm forgetting them, but every one is great and very helpful). They're really about what to accept & not accept from a man and how those limits and boundaries make you infinitely more attractive to men- and most importantly are MUCH better for your own mental health. Thank you so much for your message, it feels like my situation a bit as well. He can also be very manipulative, it is hard to work out where I stand with him. There were days when he was so sweet and attentive and some days when he was so withdrawn and cold. After we had our break up conversation, we both agreed that it would be the best thing to cut the physical part of our relationship.. I said it will be hard for me to let him go from my life and he replied that he is not going anywhere, will be there for me anyway. That he will be running busy with work but we are still friends. We kept contact for few days, with some hot and cold blows from his end... he promised on Friday that will keep in touch and write when he can. I sent him an email over the weekend but he hasn't replied and haven't been online on our application. I know it is for good, that he hasn't got in touch, but I don't understand the first promises, the first attempts to be at goood terms and then suddenly withdrawing everything. I am so confused what happened at his end... did he had such an amazing weekend with his wife that he realised that he is simply wasting his time and being an arshole staying in touch with me... or did he realised that being in touch still keeps us emotionally charged and it will be easier to go NC (if so- why he couldn't say that so I am ready for that too??) or was he trying to stay in touch in case he can still get something out of me (sex???) in case he changes his mind?? Or is he simply so busy with work at life that he cannot find time to drop a line. I have so many question on my mind... I want to understand. I don't mind someone telling me to disappear from someone's life, I would do that without a doubt, but if someone is stringing me along without clarity it hurts a lot and I tend to blame myself that maybe I did something wrong... I read a bit about Narcissists, he fitted some of the traits but I cannot be sure... I am not sure if this is me going crazy here with overthinking or is it really him that doesn't know what he wants or is simply being a manipulative .. I cannot PM you as I am not established member I have such a huge urge to ask. We work for the same company so I see him on our business IM... it is just a matter of selecting his name and dropping a line with question. I am trying to be strong but I look at this office IM throughtout the whole day I am at work wondering if I did or say something wrong and I should message to ask... To stop myself from doing that I am writing on here.. gosh, hope it will get easier with time. can I just ask him on IM if he is okk? Tell him that i will not contact him again if this is what he wants... but I just want to know that. Or would it be wrong...?? HELP... Btw.. Just found this amazing article about NC and when imposed by others without explanations, it can be form of punishment and abuse, rather then self-protection. http://n-continuum.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/the-appropriation-of-no-contact-when.html Edited January 6, 2015 by anabel32 Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 Thank you so much for your message, it feels like my situation a bit as well. He can also be very manipulative, it is hard to work out where I stand with him. There were days when he was so sweet and attentive and some days when he was so withdrawn and cold. After we had our break up conversation, we both agreed that it would be the best thing to cut the physical part of our relationship.. I said it will be hard for me to let him go from my life and he replied that he is not going anywhere, will be there for me anyway. That he will be running busy with work but we are still friends. We kept contact for few days, with some hot and cold blows from his end... he promised on Friday that will keep in touch and write when he can. I sent him an email over the weekend but he hasn't replied and haven't been online on our application. I know it is for good, that he hasn't got in touch, but I don't understand the first promises, the first attempts to be at goood terms and then suddenly withdrawing everything. I am so confused what happened at his end... did he had such an amazing weekend with his wife that he realised that he is simply wasting his time and being an arshole staying in touch with me... or did he realised that being in touch still keeps us emotionally charged and it will be easier to go NC (if so- why he couldn't say that so I am ready for that too??) or was he trying to stay in touch in case he can still get something out of me (sex???) in case he changes his mind?? Or is he simply so busy with work at life that he cannot find time to drop a line. I have so many question on my mind... I want to understand. I don't mind someone telling me to disappear from someone's life, I would do that without a doubt, but if someone is stringing me along without clarity it hurts a lot and I tend to blame myself that maybe I did something wrong... I read a bit about Narcissists, he fitted some of the traits but I cannot be sure... I am not sure if this is me going crazy here with overthinking or is it really him that doesn't know what he wants or is simply being a manipulative .. I cannot PM you as I am not established member I have such a huge urge to ask. We work for the same company so I see him on our business IM... it is just a matter of selecting his name and dropping a line with question. I am trying to be strong but I look at this office IM throughtout the whole day I am at work wondering if I did or say something wrong and I should message to ask... To stop myself from doing that I am writing on here.. gosh, hope it will get easier with time. can I just ask him on IM if he is okk? Tell him that i will not contact him again if this is what he wants... but I just want to know that. Or would it be wrong...?? HELP... Btw.. Just found this amazing article about NC and when imposed by others without explanations, it can be form of punishment and abuse, rather then self-protection. The Narcissistic Continuum: The Appropriation of "No Contact": When Narcissists use "No Contact" against YOU Anabel, you are way overthinking this. The overall tone is "did I do something wrong?" And the answer is yes, you got involved with a married man. Aside from that (and it's a very big "that"), he is making it clear he does not want to be involved with you anymore, certainly not emotionally. Like most MM who cheat, he is a coward and is not going to come right out and say it. He is demonstrating it very clearly though. In addition to being a coward, he's selfish. He doesn't want to cut you off completely in case -- as you suggested -- he wants you again for sex and to just stroke his ego. For goodness sakes, scrape up you dignity and don't reply even if he does send you a rousing message like "how are you?" And if you initiate contact, especially of the "did I do something wrong?" variety, you will sound needy and desperate. This is the chance to take back your power. Just ignore him. I had an A and decided I would go NC after similar circumstances (dwindling communication, less adoration, etc.). I had my grand manifesto of a goodbye speech all ready to roll. Then I had to honestly consider my track record of being easily sweet talked. Sounds like you might be a little like that too. In our cases, it's best to say nothing at all. It is not abusive for you to go NC. It is self preservation. Trust me, he will get it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eighty_nine Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 Thank you so much for your message, it feels like my situation a bit as well. He can also be very manipulative, it is hard to work out where I stand with him. There were days when he was so sweet and attentive and some days when he was so withdrawn and cold. After we had our break up conversation, we both agreed that it would be the best thing to cut the physical part of our relationship.. I said it will be hard for me to let him go from my life and he replied that he is not going anywhere, will be there for me anyway. That he will be running busy with work but we are still friends. We kept contact for few days, with some hot and cold blows from his end... he promised on Friday that will keep in touch and write when he can. I sent him an email over the weekend but he hasn't replied and haven't been online on our application. I know it is for good, that he hasn't got in touch, but I don't understand the first promises, the first attempts to be at goood terms and then suddenly withdrawing everything. I am so confused what happened at his end... did he had such an amazing weekend with his wife that he realised that he is simply wasting his time and being an arshole staying in touch with me... or did he realised that being in touch still keeps us emotionally charged and it will be easier to go NC (if so- why he couldn't say that so I am ready for that too??) or was he trying to stay in touch in case he can still get something out of me (sex???) in case he changes his mind?? Or is he simply so busy with work at life that he cannot find time to drop a line. I have so many question on my mind... I want to understand. I don't mind someone telling me to disappear from someone's life, I would do that without a doubt, but if someone is stringing me along without clarity it hurts a lot and I tend to blame myself that maybe I did something wrong... I read a bit about Narcissists, he fitted some of the traits but I cannot be sure... I am not sure if this is me going crazy here with overthinking or is it really him that doesn't know what he wants or is simply being a manipulative .. I cannot PM you as I am not established member I have such a huge urge to ask. We work for the same company so I see him on our business IM... it is just a matter of selecting his name and dropping a line with question. I am trying to be strong but I look at this office IM throughtout the whole day I am at work wondering if I did or say something wrong and I should message to ask... To stop myself from doing that I am writing on here.. gosh, hope it will get easier with time. can I just ask him on IM if he is okk? Tell him that i will not contact him again if this is what he wants... but I just want to know that. Or would it be wrong...?? HELP... Btw.. Just found this amazing article about NC and when imposed by others without explanations, it can be form of punishment and abuse, rather then self-protection. The Narcissistic Continuum: The Appropriation of "No Contact": When Narcissists use "No Contact" against YOU Please don't ask him anything like that, it just gives any power you have away. If I were you I'd send one last email very to-the-point. Non emotional. Just "I am blocking you, please do not attempt to contact me again." But then you have to follow through with the blocking. It will be so hard. But it's the only thing you can do to recover. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 Friends don't always write back or answer every day. He appears to be treating you like a regular friend. The problem is you don't think of him as a friend, you love him. That is why a friendship won't work for you. You want more so you will overthink everything he does or doesn't do. This will keep you miserable. NC is best for your long term happiness. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 We work for the same company so I see him on our business IM... it is just a matter of selecting his name and dropping a line with question. I am trying to be strong but I look at this office IM throughtout the whole day I am at work wondering if I did or say something wrong and I should message to ask... To stop myself from doing that I am writing on here.. gosh, hope it will get easier with time. can I just ask him on IM if he is okk? Tell him that i will not contact him again if this is what he wants... but I just want to know that. Or would it be wrong...?? HELP... Btw.. Just found this amazing article about NC and when imposed by others without explanations, it can be form of punishment and abuse, rather then self-protection. Regarding the first part of this, I can relate to you. I'm in the exact same situation with the company IM, except for the fact that I don't want to ask the jerk how he is, I often have the urge to blast him for what an a%#*ole he is. But I don't. Because that would just be opening the floodgates all over again. The only reason your MM keeps "engaging" you as a "friend" once in a while is to leave his options open and because he KNOWS you will hang on to every crumb. Stop giving him that power! As long as you keep in contact with him, you're going to be consumed by this. Don't "ask him" if no contact is what he wants, just GO NC with no warning or TELL HIM you're going no NC. No asking. This isn't about what he wants. For your own sake and sanity, just do it. It hurts like hell for a variety of reasons, but you'll be better off in the long run. Second of all, NC is a way of protecting your own emotions. It's in no way punishment or abuse, at least not in this case. Why? Because as LadyLuck so brilliantly put it... MM DON'T CARE. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author anabel32 Posted January 7, 2015 Author Share Posted January 7, 2015 Thank you all for your insight, it is great to see a healthy perspective on my situation, as at the moment mine is blurred with neediness, hurt, feeling of missing him and huge insecurity, and therefore anything that I would do without thinking about it from another angle would be simply self- destructing and wrong... I am very emotional person and very easily react on what I feel at given moment, therefore reading your advise here makes me think and question my reactions i would normally go for. I haven't got in touch, although he did. I haven't replied though. He is going away on a few hour trip to another city (2 hrs away) and suggested that I can join him if I have time. I haven't replied, but it is hard... I am trying to be strong... Link to post Share on other sites
Broom Posted January 7, 2015 Share Posted January 7, 2015 Of course he wants you to join him so that he can use you for what he wants. After the trip, he will toss you back to the wolves only to pick you up again when HE wants. These guys only initiate and increase contact when it's something they want and something available to them. Other than that, you do not exist. Link to post Share on other sites
Majormisstep Posted January 7, 2015 Share Posted January 7, 2015 You justify NC to yourself ONLY. It is for the healing of your heart and head. Who cares what he thinks? It really doesn't matter. Hanging on to a shred of hope will just cause you further hurt. Tear that bandage off quickly instead of picking and pulling at it... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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