Should I reach out to exMOM?

[october87]

People who are genuinely sad or depressed don't put it in a FB status. The sort of thing he's doing is just to get attention and have people feel sorry for him, IMO. So don't feed into it. Actually, just stop using FB as a barometer for the current state of his life or M.

 

Yes this crossed my mind. He is an attention seeker and likes to throw pity parties.

[Broom]

You keep saying things like "I'm not really losing anything" to give yourself an excuse.

 

It's clearly indicated by your line of posting that you've really made up your mind about what you want to do. You are hoping that someone in this thread could validate those actions, but you're not getting it.

[october87]

 

Marriage shouldn't even be on the table, hell it shouldn't even be in the room.

 

As far as your therapist goes, well would you go to a OBGYN if you had a back problem. If she isn't a therapist that does infidelity maybe you shouldn't put much stock into what she says about it. OR maybe you clumped together the things she said and made it mean what you wanted it to mean.

 

Honestly, what good can come from contacting him? Will it make you miss him less, or will it make you want to see him more? We both know the answer to that.

 

When you ended the affair, you were clear you weren't in love with MOM, but you've given him so much mind space that your starting to confuse your feelings. How does this help your relationship? You can't travel east and west at the same time it will rip you apart. Find you direction then go.

 

Why is confession off the table? Can you really go into a marriage with this in your back packet?

 

I never said WHEN we were getting married, just that we will be doing conseuling before it happens.

 

Yes I agree with you that I have confused my own feelings in my mind. I am aware that mind is probably tricking me into thinking i care so much about him when I probably don't. But how do I fix that? I do feel like I am being ripped apart. During the affair, I didn't feel anywhere near like I do now as far as my MOM so I am sure my feelings are playing tricks on me.

 

I never said confession was off the table. I am working with my therapist for the best way. So are you saying I need 2 therapsit? I went to this one for my childhood issues and I feel she is helping alot. Maybe if I correct my childhood issues it will lead me to discover why I cheated? My affair is a surface issue, there are deeper issues there and she is helping me with that...

[Criedallout]

As a person who was rejected and disappeared on without warning to only have the exMM reappear just to say hi...it sucks. It is just a way for YOU to feel better. Do you really care about his feelings or are you just trying to feel better because you made him "post sad things". Just leave him be, don't throw salt in his wound.

 

Don't poke sticks at him for a reaction, you may not like his reaction or he may feel you want more than just friendship. If he disappeared on you would you want him to pop in to say hi after this time? You made the choice to cut ties, once cut they will never be the same.

It's like gluing a broken plate....the cracks always remain.

 

If he is sad, that's on him to heal. You'll just delay the process being selfish.

[october87]

You keep saying things like "I'm not really losing anything" to give yourself an excuse.

 

It's clearly indicated by your line of posting that you've really made up your mind about what you want to do. You are hoping that someone in this thread could validate those actions, but you're not getting it.[/QUOTE]

 

My mind is not made up. If it were I would simply do it. I don't need validation from strangers on the internet.

 

I post my story to get ALL forms of opinion and then make my decisions based on that.

 

What I mean by "I'm not really losing anything" is the same if I said "I'm not really gaining anything".

 

It's not going to be life changing if I reach out to him and It won't be life changing if I don't.

 

I really don't understand when people say "You just want someone to agree and give permission or validation" ummm we are not children.

 

I simply said I would like to reach out...not that I was dying to and I can't function if I don't.

[Rainbowlove]

It's perfectly normal to miss your AP two months out. It's perfectly normal to still feel the hurt and loss of them.

 

You feel the hurt and loss for as long as you feel it. There is no set time table. You mourn, you hurt, you process, you cope, you deal with it until you wake up one day and notice there's less hurt, there's less sadness, there's less of them with you...you do begin to move on, but not a moment sooner than you are ready.

 

Keep going with the NC. Do not even LOOK at his FB page. No crumbs. Nothing...

 

Leave him alone.

[october87]

It's perfectly normal to miss your AP two months out. It's perfectly normal to still feel the hurt and loss of them.

 

You feel the hurt and loss for as long as you feel it. There is no set time table. You mourn, you hurt, you process, you cope, you deal with it until you wake up one day and notice there's less hurt, there's less sadness, there's less of them with you...you do begin to move on, but not a moment sooner than you are ready.

 

Keep going with the NC. Do not even LOOK at his FB page. No crumbs. Nothing...

 

Leave him alone.

 

Thanks for your advice. So if i reach out to him, that is a form of throwing him "crumbs"? I didn't think of it that way.

[Rainbowlove]

Thanks for your advice. So if i reach out to him, that is a form of throwing him "crumbs"? I didn't think of it that way.

 

Looking at FB or any other form of seeing him is crumbs for you. You get a taste of him still. You get a small piece of him. Crumbs for you.

 

Contacting him, for you is bigger than crumbs. It's your choice of drug. It's a high. Will he respond? How will he respond? And then what?

 

You get hooked right back into the game.

 

You went NC for a reason. Why?

[october87]

Looking at FB or any other form of seeing him is crumbs for you. You get a taste of him still. You get a small piece of him. Crumbs for you.

 

Contacting him, for you is bigger than crumbs. It's your choice of drug. It's a high. Will he respond? How will he respond? And then what?

 

You get hooked right back into the game.

 

You went NC for a reason. Why?

 

Well it started during our affair, he was getting to clingy and too needy, talked about a future with us and that scared me because i wasn't leaving my BF. I acted coldly towards future talk, and tried to changed the subject. I also wasn't opening up to him how he wanted and as quickly as he wanted. He tried to turn the tables on me and make it seem like I wanted more, I told him I never did and reminded him of what he was saying and doing. I pushed him away, so he then decided to work on his marriage with his wife (they were separated at the time), so I think a mixture of guilt and he "claims" he doesn't want to hurt me or make me his other woman. He said our friendship was turning into something he wasn't ready for and that things between us might end badly.

 

He wanted to continue our friendship but if wouldn't be the same if we had to sneak around his wife and he made it seem like he HAD to do this and wasn't happy. It seemed like too much energy and I couldn't do it at the time so I went NC with him. He told me he didn't even know if his marriage was going to work out and then I see 2 months later he still isn't wearing his ring...

[Rainbowlove]

And he didn't know you were in a relationship?

 

And you didn't give him any warning before ending your affair? Just cut him loose?

 

And you think it's a good idea to contact him?

 

You are still in your relationship. You have nothing to offer him. What good would come out of contacting him?

 

You can't say, he still wanted to be friends, b/c he didn't know the truth of you...your relationship and child?

 

Leave it be. If the man lost his marriage, let him heal and find his way. If you really cared about him, you'd let him move on and not add drama or hurt in his life.

 

Right?

[october87]

And he didn't know you were in a relationship?

 

And you didn't give him any warning before ending your affair? Just cut him loose?

 

And you think it's a good idea to contact him?

 

You are still in your relationship. You have nothing to offer him. What good would come out of contacting him?

 

You can't say, he still wanted to be friends, b/c he didn't know the truth of you...your relationship and child?

 

Leave it be. If the man lost his marriage, let him heal and find his way. If you really cared about him, you'd let him move on and not add drama or hurt in his life.

 

Right?

exMOM knows about my relationship with my BF since we met 4 years ago, while he was single. He wanted me to try a relationship with him but I declined. I just kinda made it seem like we were "off" at the moment. He knows about my kid, he wanted to get our kids together and do activities.

 

In a way, he ended the affair but yes I cut off our remaining friendship with no warnings.

 

I'm not trying to add drama and hurt. He never said he wanted NC and never told me to go away. I did that all on my own. This is what I did to him the first time as well.

[Rainbowlove]

If you contacted him now, what would make this time different between you two?

 

I'm not trying to sway you one way or the other. What would be the point? Friendship?

 

Truthfully? Or do you need closure or are you curious to see what he's been doing?

 

What's the truth of wanting to contact him?

[october87]

If you contacted him now, what would make this time different between you two?

 

I'm not trying to sway you one way or the other. What would be the point? Friendship?

 

Truthfully? Or do you need closure or are you curious to see what he's been doing?

 

What's the truth of wanting to contact him?

 

I am missing the friendship but I know we can't be friends in the real sense because we crossed a line. I don't even want to SEE him. I don't even want to actually TALK, just a message would be fine for me.

 

I do want closure but I know thats comes from myself but the answer is yes to that question. I do want to know HOW he has been doing, not exactly what. I never asked questions about his marriage before and won't start now.

 

And then I do not want this guilt anymore of disappearing on him for a second time in 4 years. I just want to confirm that we are "good".

[evanescentworld]

I am missing the friendship but I know we can't be friends in the real sense because we crossed a line. .....

 

And then I do not want this guilt anymore of disappearing on him for a second time in 4 years. I just want to confirm that we are "good".

 

as 'Dumper' you don't have that privilege.

I realise the situation/relationship is an 'out-of-norm' one, but you still ended it, and dumped him.

Well, as dumper - sorry - you have to suck it up.

You have no right to know anything about him, what he's doing, HOW he's doing or whether you're 'good'.

You can't 'dump' AND have friendship.

Reading the No Contact Guide will tell you that.

So, sadly, you have to back off, accept the decision you made, and understand that with it, come certain things you can never re-visit.

And one of those is Friendship/being 'good'.

[Criedallout]

"And then I do not want this guilt anymore of disappearing on him for a second time in 4 years. I just want to confirm that we are "good"."

 

 

 

 

That's why you want to contact him, your own personal guilt release. At least you admit it. As I said you will never be "good". Maybe ok, maybe fine but that pain will always be there...leave him be. He isn't responsible to make your guilt go away, you did what you did for reasons known to you, you have to make peace with that.

 

It will not turn out ok, it's a cycle and it has to end. You dropped him, you disappeared on him, he hasn't contacted you since and trust me if he wanted to I sure he could find a way but he hasn't. Leave him be...

[october87]

"And then I do not want this guilt anymore of disappearing on him for a second time in 4 years. I just want to confirm that we are "good"."

 

 

 

 

That's why you want to contact him, your own personal guilt release. At least you admit it. As I said you will never be "good". Maybe ok, maybe fine but that pain will always be there...leave him be. He isn't responsible to make your guilt go away, you did what you did for reasons known to you, you have to make peace with that.

 

It will not turn out ok, it's a cycle and it has to end. You dropped him, you disappeared on him, he hasn't contacted you since and trust me if he wanted to I sure he could find a way but he hasn't. Leave him be...

 

I just want to point out that every sitaution is different. I know my exMOM pretty well and I know he will not reach out after I blocked him on facebook and blocked his numbers because of his own insecurities and rejection issues. If anything he would want me to reach out first so he knows it's ok.

 

But thanks for everything else you posted, I agree with you for the most part I guess.

[Rainbowlove]

And then I do not want this guilt anymore of disappearing on him for a second time in 4 years. I just want to confirm that we are "good".

 

This I understand - fully. I dumped my AP in a rather horrible manner, too. I just tossed her aside, but of course it was never really just a tossing aside. There were many problems with our relationship besides being married and she knew this. She is now divorced and I returned to my marriage.

 

I get the needing closure piece. For many of us, closure is necessary to moving on. Every few months, My AP has sent me nasty grams by way of email for the last year - really very angry and hurtful emails.

 

She has had every right to feel whatever nasty thoughts she's had about me and our relationship. No closure has left her stuck in her anger and pain and me in mine. I knew we were both very stuck.

 

The last nasty gram she sent me was about a month ago. I finally gave her the proper closure she needed. I told her to "let it all out" and to say "whatever she needed to say" and then we needed to try to move on towards healing for both our sake. She did let it out and I responded. We had a few days of back and forth emails. In the end, it helped us both to find some degree of closure. I feel like it will be a very long time before I hear from her again, if I ever hear from her again.

 

Even with closure there's still hurt and missing. Closure doesn't free us completely, but I do think it's necessary for many of us to begin to move on and heal.

 

No one here can tell you what you need for you. Only you know your true intention. Only you know what you need to survive and to move forward in life.

 

Everyone told me not to respond to my AP's email, but my gut knew she was just going to keep reaching out to me until she said her peace. This is quite different than your case b/c he hasn't reached out to you in anyway.

 

This is your choice, but your choice impacts many. Sit with it some more.

[october87]

This I understand - fully. I dumped my AP in a rather horrible manner, too. I just tossed her aside, but of course it was never really just a tossing aside. There were many problems with our relationship besides being married and she knew this. She is now divorced and I returned to my marriage.

 

I get the needing closure piece. For many of us, closure is necessary to moving on. Every few months, My AP has sent me nasty grams by way of email for the last year - really very angry and hurtful emails.

 

She has had every right to feel whatever nasty thoughts she's had about me and our relationship. No closure has left her stuck in her anger and pain and me in mine. I knew we were both very stuck.

 

The last nasty gram she sent me was about a month ago. I finally gave her the proper closure she needed. I told her to "let it all out" and to say "whatever she needed to say" and then we needed to try to move on towards healing for both our sake. She did let it out and I responded. We had a few days of back and forth emails. In the end, it helped us both to find some degree of closure. I feel like it will be a very long time before I hear from her again, if I ever hear from her again.

 

Even with closure there's still hurt and missing. Closure doesn't free us completely, but I do think it's necessary for many of us to begin to move on and heal.

 

No one here can tell you what you need for you. Only you know your true intention. Only you know what you need to survive and to move forward in life.

 

Everyone told me not to respond to my AP's email, but my gut knew she was just going to keep reaching out to me until she said her peace. This is quite different than your case b/c he hasn't reached out to you in anyway.

 

This is your choice, but your choice impacts many. Sit with it some more.

 

I do not think he will reach out to me if I don't. He knows all about the disappearing acts I pull when things are too intense. We even argued about my flighty nature before and avoidant behaviors.

 

In your case, your AP needed to let it all out. In my case I just want to know that we are still good. I don't think there is any reason to be angry or resent each other. I am not making any rash decisions.

 

And then some of what I'm getting from posters is that this is normal. He isn't at the forefront of my mind but he's still there and I would either like to resolve our friendship and part on better terms OR completely forget about him. I was hoping the forgetting would have happened sooner...

[whichwayisup]

I am missing the friendship but I know we can't be friends in the real sense because we crossed a line. I don't even want to SEE him. I don't even want to actually TALK, just a message would be fine for me.

 

I do want closure but I know thats comes from myself but the answer is yes to that question. I do want to know HOW he has been doing, not exactly what. I never asked questions about his marriage before and won't start now.

 

And then I do not want this guilt anymore of disappearing on him for a second time in 4 years. I just want to confirm that we are "good".

 

He ended the affair. You chose to not be friends and end all contact.

 

He is married, you're in a relationship.

 

Let go. You can't control how he feels or if he was/is mad at you. Life goes on and people get over stuff. DO NOT reach out!! There's nothing left between you two. Who cares if you two are good or not? It's selfish actually of you to contact him for that reason. That's just ego talking, not genuine care.

[GoldieLox]

In my case I just want to know that we are still good. I don't think there is any reason to be angry or resent each other. I am not making any rash decisions.

 

And then some of what I'm getting from posters is that this is normal. He isn't at the forefront of my mind but he's still there and I would either like to resolve our friendship and part on better terms OR completely forget about him. I was hoping the forgetting would have happened sooner...

 

Read the first statement in bold. Think about it. Now read the second. The second will only happen if you drop the line of thinking outlined in the first statement bolded. It doesn't matter if you're "good" or not. I know it's a really hurtful, sh-tty thing to have to process, but the longer you try to grovel at whatever table scraps are left between the two of you, the longer (and more painful) it's going to be to forget. Absolutely, positively, do not reach out to him. Go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200.

 

I do not mean to sound harsh, but you want to forget, yes? Then you have to, at one point, stop caring about whether you're "good". It doesn't matter anymore.

[jellybean89]

I do want to point out that I blocked the only way I would let him contact me...Facebook. When we were still talking, I told him I only wanted to communicate on FB and then I blocked him. After that at some point he deleted his messenger and I believe it's because I was no longer on there. His phone numbers are blocked to, so I have NO IDEA if he tried, maybe he did, maybe he didn't. Thank you for your advice.

 

How do you know that he deleted messenger? Are you privy to his apps?

 

I just want to point out that every sitaution is different. I know my exMOM pretty well and I know he will not reach out after I blocked him on facebook and blocked his numbers because of his own insecurities and rejection issues. If anything he would want me to reach out first so he knows it's ok.

 

But thanks for everything else you posted, I agree with you for the most part I guess.

 

His wife probably believes she knows him pretty well and I bet she would be blown away to learn he is a cheater. I am betting your BF would say he knows you well and he too would be blown away to know you have cheated.

 

I know OW want and need to believe they know the MM better than everyone; but really, you only know what he chose to show you. You were only in contact via FB, except for the physical encounters, so really...you don't know him that well. Its not like you dated him, were engaged to him, married him, live with him, etc.

 

Seems like you are looking for an excuse to contact him. We can all advise you not to; but you will do what you want, no matter the consequences. Maybe your BF finding out needs to happen so you can see how wrong your actions have been?

 

I wish you would let go of this MM and focus on your own life and your own relationship.

[october87]

How do you know that he deleted messenger? Are you privy to his apps?

 

 

 

His wife probably believes she knows him pretty well and I bet she would be blown away to learn he is a cheater. I am betting your BF would say he knows you well and he too would be blown away to know you have cheated.

 

I know OW want and need to believe they know the MM better than everyone; but really, you only know what he chose to show you. You were only in contact via FB, except for the physical encounters, so really...you don't know him that well. Its not like you dated him, were engaged to him, married him, live with him, etc.

 

Seems like you are looking for an excuse to contact him. We can all advise you not to; but you will do what you want, no matter the consequences. Maybe your BF finding out needs to happen so you can see how wrong your actions have been?

 

I wish you would let go of this MM and focus on your own life and your own relationship.

 

You're whole post is entirely incorrect. First off I knew him before he even met his wife, we were into each other back then and he wanted to be with me so yes I do know him and I know him longer than his wife. His wife knows he has cheated before(nothing to do with me) prior to them getting married and she still choose to so she is aware.

 

Since my BF is a cheater as well does he have room to talk or throw stones?

 

As far as only contact on FB besides physical encounters is Waaay incorrect. We saw each other every single day of our affair and it was not places where physical encounters can happen. When he couldn't see me,he begged to. Texted me and called me all the time, sun up to sun down. I was not his OW, he was separated and his wife knew about me. Her jealously prompted her to want him back. AND if you read my story then you would know we did not have sexual intercourse, he did things to me. My affair was all about me and he made it that way too.

 

Yes I did date him. Back then when my BF and I were not together we had a very intense, emotional friendship, he wanted more but he knew I wasn't ready and again this past summer. I do know him. We were both single the first time around.

 

We used to text and call and see each other. I CHOSE to only want to continue communication via facebook. It was not the only we contacted each other.

 

I read a lot of your posts on here, why do you always jump to the most negative conclusion? You are off base.

[october87]

How do you know that he deleted messenger? Are you privy to his apps?

 

 

 

His wife probably believes she knows him pretty well and I bet she would be blown away to learn he is a cheater. I am betting your BF would say he knows you well and he too would be blown away to know you have cheated.

 

I know OW want and need to believe they know the MM better than everyone; but really, you only know what he chose to show you. You were only in contact via FB, except for the physical encounters, so really...you don't know him that well. Its not like you dated him, were engaged to him, married him, live with him, etc.

 

Seems like you are looking for an excuse to contact him. We can all advise you not to; but you will do what you want, no matter the consequences. Maybe your BF finding out needs to happen so you can see how wrong your actions have been?

 

I wish you would let go of this MM and focus on your own life and your own relationship.

 

I appreciate your advice but not your incorrect assumption of what kind of relationship/friendship I had with exMOM.

[jellybean89]

You're whole post is entirely incorrect. First off I knew him before he even met his wife, we were into each other back then and he wanted to be with me so yes I do know him and I know him longer than his wife. His wife knows he has cheated before(nothing to do with me) prior to them getting married and she still choose to so she is aware.

 

Since my BF is a cheater as well does he have room to talk or throw stones?

 

As far as only contact on FB besides physical encounters is Waaay incorrect. We saw each other every single day of our affair and it was not places where physical encounters can happen. When he couldn't see me,he begged to. Texted me and called me all the time, sun up to sun down. I was not his OW, he was separated and his wife knew about me. Her jealously prompted her to want him back. AND if you read my story then you would know we did not have sexual intercourse, he did things to me. My affair was all about me and he made it that way too.

 

Yes I did date him. Back then when my BF and I were not together we had a very intense, emotional friendship, he wanted more but he knew I wasn't ready and again this past summer. I do know him. We were both single the first time around.

 

We used to text and call and see each other. I CHOSE to only want to continue communication via facebook. It was not the only we contacted each other.

 

I read a lot of your posts on here, why do you always jump to the most negative conclusion? You are off base.

 

I was going by what YOU wrote. If you are content being the OW, then that's GREAT! Not sure what you are looking for.

 

"Always jump to the most negative conclusions? " I don't always. What is wrong with hoping that women/men stop accepting crumbs from cheating MM's/MW's? What is wrong with wanting women/men to have the best life and not sit around year after year waiting for a text or a hour of someone's time? What is wrong with wanting women/men to not spend holidays alone, birthdays alone, weekends alone while the affair partner is off living his/her life? Yes, you are right - I am negative about those choices because life is too short for people to sit around and wait around for someone who is choosing to allow the person they allegedly love to hurt, be sad and waste their life.

 

And FYI - not all my posts are even on this board .... and aren't "always" negative.

 

If you want to live your life waiting for some dude to pick you, best of luck to you.

 

Good luck.

[Survivor12]

I do want to point out that I blocked the only way I would let him contact me...Facebook. When we were still talking, I told him I only wanted to communicate on FB and then I blocked him. After that at some point he deleted his messenger and I believe it's because I was no longer on there. His phone numbers are blocked to, so I have NO IDEA if he tried, maybe he did, maybe he didn't. Thank you for your advice.

 

You don't need the Messenger app to send or reply to FB messages if you access FB using the website (not the app).