Should I reach out to exMOM?

[october87]

I was going by what YOU wrote. If you are content being the OW, then that's GREAT! Not sure what you are looking for.

 

"Always jump to the most negative conclusions? " I don't always. What is wrong with hoping that women/men stop accepting crumbs from cheating MM's/MW's? What is wrong with wanting women/men to have the best life and not sit around year after year waiting for a text or a hour of someone's time? What is wrong with wanting women/men to not spend holidays alone, birthdays alone, weekends alone while the affair partner is off living his/her life? Yes, you are right - I am negative about those choices because life is too short for people to sit around and wait around for someone who is choosing to allow the person they allegedly love to hurt, be sad and waste their life.

 

And FYI - not all my posts are even on this board .... and aren't "always" negative.

 

If you want to live your life waiting for some dude to pick you, best of luck to you.

 

Good luck.

 

But what you stated I said no where in any of my threads. So you were incorrect. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting to help others, I already told you I appreciate your advice, I just don't agree with your assumption. I may be a woman who had an affair but I would not let any man treat me like a FB booty call so I had to correct you.

 

Furthermore I am not waiting for anyone to pick me. I have the power to pick and choose as well. I am not content being an OW and technically I never was. I wasn't hidden or a secret.

 

I could put a lot of effort into pursuing exMOM and I could win him back, I have time and time again. I haven't contacted him, I was never deadest on doing it any. I came here for opinions/advice, such as yours.

[DKT3]

But what you stated I said no where in any of my threads. So you were incorrect. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting to help others, I already told you I appreciate your advice, I just don't agree with your assumption. I may be a woman who had an affair but I would not let any man treat me like a FB booty call so I had to correct you.

 

Furthermore I am not waiting for anyone to pick me. I have the power to pick and choose as well. I am not content being an OW and technically I never was. I wasn't hidden or a secret.

 

I could put a lot of effort into pursuing exMOM and I could win him back, I have time and time again. I haven't contacted him, I was never deadest on doing it any. I came here for opinions/advice, such as yours.

 

I deleted, kinda off topic

Edited December 30, 2014 by DKT3

[Darren Steez]

People who are genuinely sad or depressed don't put it in a FB status. The sort of thing he's doing is just to get attention and have people feel sorry for him, IMO. So don't feed into it. Actually, just stop using FB as a barometer for the current state of his life or M.

 

It's called ego kibbles. You post "Oh I'm feeling down" and you get a ton of comments "Sunshine and rainbows" "Unicorns and fairies" "Keep your head up"

 

No doubt he wrote it hoping that you would see it, and no doubt if you had seen it you would have contacted him, no? Why because you're emotionally still involved this is why after so much progress moving forward, just one FB visit has to back tracking and trying to justify breaking NC.

 

This guy is now the symbol of the crutch you used when you wanted to escape. So keeping however little contact with him is a way of keeping him as an option for escape whenever you foresee things getting rough with your BF.

 

You've made good progress. Keep up the good work (and block that guy

[bathtub-row]

I think that the way you ended things with him was very cruel. Yeah, you should contact him and apologize. Just be aware that you cannot just have a friendship with him. It'll never work that way because of the relationship you shared. I also think you need to leave that cold bf of yours.

[october87]

It's called ego kibbles. You post "Oh I'm feeling down" and you get a ton of comments "Sunshine and rainbows" "Unicorns and fairies" "Keep your head up"

 

No doubt he wrote it hoping that you would see it, and no doubt if you had seen it you would have contacted him, no? Why because you're emotionally still involved this is why after so much progress moving forward, just one FB visit has to back tracking and trying to justify breaking NC.

 

This guy is now the symbol of the crutch you used when you wanted to escape. So keeping however little contact with him is a way of keeping him as an option for escape whenever you foresee things getting rough with your BF.

 

You've made good progress. Keep up the good work (and block that guy

 

Good point. I think a part of me is fearful that things will go back to the same between my BF and I. I don't think I intentionally used MOM as a crutch, but I think it did happen. He was my escape.

[october87]

I think that the way you ended things with him was very cruel. Yeah, you should contact him and apologize. Just be aware that you cannot just have a friendship with him. It'll never work that way because of the relationship you shared. I also think you need to leave that cold bf of yours.

 

That is how I feel. A big part of me knows it's for the best to have cut him off and disappeared out his life again. But there is another part that tells me just because we had an affair together and can't be friends doesn't mean he deserved the way I went NC. He deserves an apology or an explanation like any other human. Just because he was my AP, does that make him less deserving of an explanation?

 

He was never cruel or mean to me in anyway. Always showed me respect, treated me like his princess. And I know it has nothing to do with him being married and "laying it on thick" because this is the exact same way he treated me when we were single.

 

When he had to end our affair due to his feelings for me, he would only discuss it in person. He said he cared about me too much to end it over the phone or via text. I refused because I was a little upset, he flipped out and wouldn't leave me alone until I met with him.

 

When he decided to make his marriage work, he was so careful to explain it to me even though I didn't give a da*n at the time for his reasons. He went out his way to make sure that I understood, always asking me "You understand right"? over and over.

 

He took a great deal of care of my feelings these past 4 years, I feel now that I could have been more caring for his towards the end but I deal with my hurt different, I pull disappearing acts. I never said anything mean or hurtful to him, let him know I still cared and I still wanted to chat occasionally and then I disappeared. I don't think I should have done it that way.

[Rainbowlove]

That is how I feel. A big part of me knows it's for the best to have cut him off and disappeared out his life again. But there is another part that tells me just because we had an affair together and can't be friends doesn't mean he deserved the way I went NC. He deserves an apology or an explanation like any other human. Just because he was my AP, does that make him less deserving of an explanation?

 

He was never cruel or mean to me in anyway. Always showed me respect, treated me like his princess. And I know it has nothing to do with him being married and "laying it on thick" because this is the exact same way he treated me when we were single.

 

When he had to end our affair due to his feelings for me, he would only discuss it in person. He said he cared about me too much to end it over the phone or via text. I refused because I was a little upset, he flipped out and wouldn't leave me alone until I met with him.

 

When he decided to make his marriage work, he was so careful to explain it to me even though I didn't give a da*n at the time for his reasons. He went out his way to make sure that I understood, always asking me "You understand right"? over and over.

 

He took a great deal of care of my feelings these past 4 years, I feel now that I could have been more caring for his towards the end but I deal with my hurt different, I pull disappearing acts. I never said anything mean or hurtful to him, let him know I still cared and I still wanted to chat occasionally and then I disappeared. I don't think I should have done it that way.

 

So is this how your apology to him would look?

[october87]

So is this how your apology to him would look?

 

Ummmm...probably not. IF I did ever send anything it would be short, sweet and to the point. I have trouble expressing my feelings and then things just get confusing.

[Rainbowlove]

There was nothing confusing about that post at all.

 

Just saying. Not saying to send anything either

[october87]

There was nothing confusing about that post at all.

 

Just saying. Not saying to send anything either

 

Thanks for your post and support.

 

I know most people say to go NC without warning. I think that is true in most cases where the MM is showing very little respect or care for the other person's feelings/wants/needs/desires. Throwing them scrap time and attention.

 

But my exMOM never treated me like above. He wasn't some disrespectful, selfish monster towards me and he doesn't deserve to be branded a monster and treated like one.

 

I know him, I know he thinks I don't care about him anymore because I blocked him.

 

I am NOT saying that NC is not the best route for me. It is. I just think that maybe in my case, a NC letter would have been better for BOTH of us. Then maybe this desire to remain cordial with him wouldn't seem like a big deal.

Edited December 30, 2014 by october87

[Rainbowlove]

Do what feels right to you. At the end of the day, you have to live with yourself and no one else.

 

Find peace.

[DKT3]

Thanks for your post and support.

 

I know most people say to go NC without warning. I think that is true in most cases where the MM is showing very little respect or care for the other person's feelings/wants/needs/desires. Throwing them scrap time and attention.

 

But my exMOM never treated me like above. He wasn't some disrespectful, selfish monster towards me and he doesn't deserve to be branded a monster and treated like one.

 

I know him, I know he thinks I don't care about him anymore because I blocked him.

 

I am NOT saying that NC is not the best route for me. It is. I just think that maybe in my case, a NC letter would have been better for BOTH of us. Then maybe this desire to remain cordial with him wouldn't seem like a big deal.

 

I think the bottomline to all this circle running your doing is, you desire to maintain contact with MOM without feeling guilty. All this other stuff is just excuses your using to get there.

 

I deleted my last post because it was simply too blunt. You're a very selfish woman and your not really putting anyones feelings above yours. You know that MOM wanted more in the affair then you did, now that there has been distance you really want to suck him back in, you really want to know that he still wants you. At the same time you've made it clear as day you want nothing from him and actually gave very little during the affair.

 

MOM is a big boy, he doesn't need for you to come back at this point to explain your going no contact, I'm sure he gets it.

 

Now, you've been involved with this guy for 4+ years and your worried about your boyfriend going back? Thye thing is how much effort have you put in this relationship? I mean for half of it you've been involved with this other guy. Yet you continue to draw on his ONS and is coldness as the only issues in the relationship. Your relationship is also hurting your relationship even when he doesn't know. You know, you are emotionally vested which hinders your ability to commit fully.

 

Its time to get honest, your BF isn't enough you want more, the MOM isn't enough you want more. Maybe its time to stop making a fool of the BF and leave MOM alone. Maybe its time to be on your own. Using these two men knowing that neither is really what you want is stealing their life and wasting yours. Four years is a long time to dangle two men that you don't want, let them go so maybe everyone can find a better life with better relationships. This dynamic will be endless, that is until your BF finds out.

[bathtub-row]

I know most people say to go NC without warning. I think that is true in most cases where the MM is showing very little respect or care for the other person's feelings/wants/needs/desires. Throwing them scrap time and attention.

 

It doesn't matter what other people say, you would be better off using your own mind and judgment. Cutting someone off without an explanation is beyond cruel. The only people who deserve to be treated that way are abusers, or people in that realm of behavior. If I were you, I'd send him an apology, letting him know that you're sorry for how you treated him. He needs to hear that.

[DKT3]

It doesn't matter what other people say, you would be better off using your own mind and judgment. Cutting someone off without an explanation is beyond cruel. The only people who deserve to be treated that way are abusers, or people in that realm of behavior. If I were you, I'd send him an apology, letting him know that you're sorry for how you treated him. He needs to hear that.

 

Again, affairs are abusive. I know you have a hard time accepting that because...well

 

She doesn't need to send any apology letter he is a big boy involved with an A with a woman in a relationship. It should be known that affairs can and usually do end without notice or closure.

[ajc24]

October 87 - I, like many others apparently, can't figure out how to PM here, but I think we can help each other. We seem to be going through very similar experiences at the same time. If you want to reach out to me, I would happy to talk with you about it.

[bathtub-row]

Again, affairs are abusive. I know you have a hard time accepting that because...well

 

She doesn't need to send any apology letter he is a big boy involved with an A with a woman in a relationship. It should be known that affairs can and usually do end without notice or closure.

 

Maybe for one-night stands, or people who have had their hearts removed.

 

Yes, I've heard this abuse theory before and I think it's complete nonsense. I know lots of people here love to take the black-and-white, clinical view of things because it suits their cause, but life simply is not like that. Are there abusive people who use cheating as a form of abuse? Of course there are. But to say that all affairs are about abuse is silly. If anything, it could be turned around to say that the person who was driven to have an affair is the one who was abused.

 

Obviously, she can send the letter or not. Personally, I couldn't live with myself for treating someone like that when a simple goodbye would've been the humane thing to do.

 

A great rule of thumb to live by: if I willingly remove my clothes for someone and happily engage in lovemaking with them, unless they treat me badly, I will never end the relationship as though they were a disposable piece of garbage. If I'm willing to kiss their mouth, touch their skin, and engage in the most intimate act that a man and woman can engage in, and then throw that person aside, what does it say about me? Even if my decision to be with that person was the wrong one, why should he be punished for my bad choices? I simply don't get this whole "treat a person like crap because I made a bad decision" mentality.

[DKT3]

Maybe for one-night stands, or people who have had their hearts removed.

 

Yes, I've heard this abuse theory before and I think it's complete nonsense. I know lots of people here love to take the black-and-white, clinical view of things because it suits their cause, but life simply is not like that. Are there abusive people who use cheating as a form of abuse? Of course there are. But to say that all affairs are about abuse is silly. If anything, it could be turned around to say that the person who was driven to have an affair is the one who was abused.

 

Obviously, she can send the letter or not. Personally, I couldn't live with myself for treating someone like that when a simple goodbye would've been the humane thing to do.

 

A great rule of thumb to live by: if I willingly remove my clothes for someone and happily engage in lovemaking with them, unless they treat me badly, I will never end the relationship as though they were a disposable piece of garbage. If I'm willing to kiss their mouth, touch their skin, and engage in the most intimate act that a man and woman can engage in, and then throw that person aside, what does it say about me? Even if my decision to be with that person was the wrong one, why should he be punished for my bad choices? I simply don't get this whole "treat a person like crap because I made a bad decision" mentality.

 

But its ok to treat your spouse poorly by lying cheating and betraying them, but its not ok to cut the affair off without telling another adult in an affair?

 

That makes sense to you?

 

Look I get that your the OW and you wouldn't want this done to you but really? There is simply no logic here.

[whichwayisup]

He ended the affair, offered friendship, you said sure but then disappeared without a word...

 

He knows you, right? He probably knows how you get when you feel hurt and how you handle things so chances are he isn't half as upset or mad at you as you think he is/was.

 

If you contact him you're opening up a door that may not be closed again and contact will resume, possibly leading back into at best, an EA with him.

 

My advice is, let it go and don't reach out to him.

 

It didn't end badly, there was no freak out or swearing..You just disappeared.. He may be OK with that since he was the one who ended the affair and figures it's actually easier (for both of you this way) to not have any contact, you just made that choice for both of you.

 

There's not any rudeness, or disrespect by walking away when an A ends. He didn't come looking for you (I'm sure he knows your home address, where you live, where you work, so there are plenty of other ways he could have contacted you)..

Edited December 31, 2014 by whichwayisup

[DKT3]

October 87 - I, like many others apparently, can't figure out how to PM here, but I think we can help each other. We seem to be going through very similar experiences at the same time. If you want to reach out to me, I would happy to talk with you about it.

 

You don't have enough posts or time to have PM. You could get a paid membership for instant PM. Its really a fair price couple dollars/mo.

[whichwayisup]

October 87 - I, like many others apparently, can't figure out how to PM here, but I think we can help each other. We seem to be going through very similar experiences at the same time. If you want to reach out to me, I would happy to talk with you about it.

 

New members don't get automatic private messaging. You need to be a member here for at least a month and have 100 posts to gain that access.

[ajc24]

Ok team, I got it now. Thanks for explaining.

[Hope Shimmers]

Again, affairs are abusive. I know you have a hard time accepting that because...well

 

She doesn't need to send any apology letter he is a big boy involved with an A with a woman in a relationship. It should be known that affairs can and usually do end without notice or closure.

 

She didn't say it would be an 'apology letter'. She said that maybe in her case it would have been better to tell him that it was over before she cut off communication. Frankly I think that is just plain decency.

 

DKT3, you said: "It should be known that affairs can and usually do end without notice or closure." Really? It should be known by whom? And where did you get this information, exactly (the data to support it)? Can you please reference the data so I can read it directly?

 

Did you go NC with your girlfriend before getting back with Lovin, or did you discuss it with her before cutting her off? I would be interested to hear, since you care about both women.

 

OP: use your best judgement and don't listen to people here who don't know you or him. If you truly intend to go NC permanently, and think it was a mistake not to discuss that with him beforehand (I think it is cruel to do that to someone you care about).

[bathtub-row]

But its ok to treat your spouse poorly by lying cheating and betraying them, but its not ok to cut the affair off without telling another adult in an affair?

 

That makes sense to you?

 

Look I get that your the OW and you wouldn't want this done to you but really? There is simply no logic here.

 

Because I think this conversation will be helpful to the OP, I'll respond.

 

It makes perfect sense to me. I actually had an abusive husband who did cheat on me as a form of abuse -- in order to get me back for saying that I was leaving him. I filed for divorce right away and that threw him for a loop. We talked a lot before getting back together and once we decided that we would, I wanted him to meet with the OW to tell her goodbye, which he did. Needless to say, it ultimately did not work out between us because things never work out with abusers.

 

For all the things I would have done differently in that relationship, having him say goodbye to the OW isn't one of them. As a matter of fact, it had a deflating effect on both of them because of me being genuinely kind. I didn't do it for that result, but that's what happened.

 

I'm not just spouting words about things I don't know anything about, or have never experienced. I have been on several sides of the relationship fence. Sometimes I wish that wasn't the case, but it is. On the other hand, it has taught me to be more empathetic towards others.

 

As far as OP's ex's wife is concerned, she (the wife) has nothing to do with OP's decision to end the relationship in the way that she did. It would make more sense to put that on the MM, wouldn't it? Meaning, it would make more sense for him to drop her without a word. Still cruel and heartless, but doing it for the sake of his wife would be something he would be more inclined to do than the OP, no?

[DKT3]

Because I think this conversation will be helpful to the OP, I'll respond.

 

It makes perfect sense to me. I actually had an abusive husband who did cheat on me as a form of abuse -- in order to get me back for saying that I was leaving him. I filed for divorce right away and that threw him for a loop. We talked a lot before getting back together and once we decided that we would, I wanted him to meet with the OW to tell her goodbye, which he did. Needless to say, it ultimately did not work out between us because things never work out with abusers.

 

For all the things I would have done differently in that relationship, having him say goodbye to the OW isn't one of them. As a matter of fact, it had a deflating effect on both of them because of me being genuinely kind. I didn't do it for that result, but that's what happened.

 

I'm not just spouting words about things I don't know anything about, or have never experienced. I have been on several sides of the relationship fence. Sometimes I wish that wasn't the case, but it is. On the other hand, it has taught me to be more empathetic towards others.

 

As far as OP's ex's wife is concerned, she (the wife) has nothing to do with OP's decision to end the relationship in the way that she did. It would make more sense to put that on the MM, wouldn't it? Meaning, it would make more sense for him to drop her without a word. Still cruel and heartless, but doing it for the sake of his wife would be something he would be more inclined to do than the OP, no?

 

In case you missed it, OP is also in a relationship. In fact its a longer running relationship then MM. So no she shouldn't be reaching out. Maybe if it was like your situation and her SO asked her too, but she would have to tell him that she has been cheating for half their relationship first.

 

Get my point? Her SO is clueless, yet you believe she owes the MOM more then she is willing to give her SO?

 

October, you have to see how alarming this is that you feel you owe your AP honesty but are waffling about giving your partner honesty.

[bathtub-row]

In case you missed it, OP is also in a relationship. In fact its a longer running relationship then MM. So no she shouldn't be reaching out. Maybe if it was like your situation and her SO asked her too, but she would have to tell him that she has been cheating for half their relationship first.

 

Get my point? Her SO is clueless, yet you believe she owes the MOM more then she is willing to give her SO?

 

October, you have to see how alarming this is that you feel you owe your AP honesty but are waffling about giving your partner honesty.

 

This comes back to her bad choice and the OM paying for it. I'm not suggesting that she reignite ongoing communications with the guy, but I do think that if you've had a sexual relationship with someone, they deserve better treatment than that. It really is that simple.

 

That includes her bf but the damage is done where he's concerned. It really makes no difference to him because he knows nothing about it anyway. If he did know, I would still advise the same thing, but to talk to her bf about it first. Probably the real truth is that OP would prefer to be with the other guy. She really just needs to leave her bf because, in another post, she refers to him as cold. What he deserves at this point is to be let go of, no matter what she does with the other guy.

 

OP, please don't use an affair as a means to get the affection you're looking for. It's the easy way out, opposed to making a decision and leaving your bf. You guys obviously have serious problems and, now, they have been compounded by an affair. An affair that he doesn't know about. This is nowhere close to something that will work out.