Should I reach out to exMOM?

[october87]

I think the bottomline to all this circle running your doing is, you desire to maintain contact with MOM without feeling guilty. All this other stuff is just excuses your using to get there.

 

I deleted my last post because it was simply too blunt. You're a very selfish woman and your not really putting anyones feelings above yours. You know that MOM wanted more in the affair then you did, now that there has been distance you really want to suck him back in, you really want to know that he still wants you. At the same time you've made it clear as day you want nothing from him and actually gave very little during the affair.

 

MOM is a big boy, he doesn't need for you to come back at this point to explain your going no contact, I'm sure he gets it.

 

Now, you've been involved with this guy for 4+ years and your worried about your boyfriend going back? Thye thing is how much effort have you put in this relationship? I mean for half of it you've been involved with this other guy. Yet you continue to draw on his ONS and is coldness as the only issues in the relationship. Your relationship is also hurting your relationship even when he doesn't know. You know, you are emotionally vested which hinders your ability to commit fully.

 

Its time to get honest, your BF isn't enough you want more, the MOM isn't enough you want more. Maybe its time to stop making a fool of the BF and leave MOM alone. Maybe its time to be on your own. Using these two men knowing that neither is really what you want is stealing their life and wasting yours. Four years is a long time to dangle two men that you don't want, let them go so maybe everyone can find a better life with better relationships. This dynamic will be endless, that is until your BF finds out.

 

You are right and I never denied that I have behaved selfishly. I am in therapy to figure out my issues. I know I have issues I bring to the relationship, I never said I was perfect. I also never said my BF made me cheat! I just mentioned the issues that lead me to my decision. If I just came here and said I cheated for no reason well that would sound dumb and it wouldn't be true.

 

I know that MOM is a big boy. I do not want to hold his hand or coddle him through this. I am simply saying that I should have sent a NC letter/email/text/FB messgae BEFORE doing what I did. 'Tis all.

 

In all honesty I have NOT been involved with him the past 4 years. That's crazy and I don't have that much time on my hands. We liked each other/had a thing going on in 2010 when I split from BF, then in 2010 as well, I went back to my BF. MOM would still text me but I ignored him because he was still trying to sway my decision. in 2011 he got married very quickly but still reaching out to me which I ignored. In 2012, the same stuff, 2013 the same stuff, and now Summer of 2014 is when the actually affair happened. So maybe he was involved with ME the past 4 years BUT I completely ignored him until I decided to reach out in 2014.

 

Just had to clear that up.

 

To address either man not being enough for me, well I guess that's where the 80/20 rule comes into play. BF has the 80% and MOM has 20%, so you see, Yes neither man fufills me 100% (I believe this true for MOST relationships, if we are being real). But I would rather work with my BF and hopefully find that missing 20% instead.

[jbrent890]

This comes back to her bad choice and the OM paying for it. I'm not suggesting that she reignite ongoing communications with the guy, but I do think that if you've had a sexual relationship with someone, they deserve better treatment than that. It really is that simple.

 

That includes her bf but the damage is done where he's concerned. It really makes no difference to him because he knows nothing about it anyway. If he did know, I would still advise the same thing, but to talk to her bf about it first. Probably the real truth is that OP would prefer to be with the other guy. She really just needs to leave her bf because, in another post, she refers to him as cold. What he deserves at this point is to be let go of, no matter what she does with the other guy.

 

OP, please don't use an affair as a means to get the affection you're looking for. It's the easy way out, opposed to making a decision and leaving your bf. You guys obviously have serious problems and, now, they have been compounded by an affair. An affair that he doesn't know about. This is nowhere close to something that will work out.

 

That makes no sense. Yeah the damage is done, but the bf doesn't know about the damage. It's not a hard concept to understand. Why should the OM receive more honesty and closure than the BF? DKT has been on poin in this thread. The OM is not entitled to closure. He has his own family that he should be concerned about. And to answer the other person's question, no, there are no studies to support DKT claims. I just googled "common courtesy to give to your AP" and nothing came up. They aren't entitled to anything because they are not in a real relationship.

[october87]

He ended the affair, offered friendship, you said sure but then disappeared without a word...

 

He knows you, right? He probably knows how you get when you feel hurt and how you handle things so chances are he isn't half as upset or mad at you as you think he is/was.

 

If you contact him you're opening up a door that may not be closed again and contact will resume, possibly leading back into at best, an EA with him.

 

My advice is, let it go and don't reach out to him.

 

It didn't end badly, there was no freak out or swearing..You just disappeared.. He may be OK with that since he was the one who ended the affair and figures it's actually easier (for both of you this way) to not have any contact, you just made that choice for both of you.

 

There's not any rudeness, or disrespect by walking away when an A ends. He didn't come looking for you (I'm sure he knows your home address, where you live, where you work, so there are plenty of other ways he could have contacted you)..

 

He has NO idea where I live and if he did we would have bigger problems than a silly EA continuing. He will NOT come to my job...why? Because the last time he showed up at my job unannouced to talk, I let him know some very clear boundaries, mainly that he needed to make sure I was even available to want to talk to him. I don't like stuff like that period, from anyone.

 

I appreciate the advice, especially about the NC being easier for us. But I do need to point out that he also mirrors alot of my behaviors, so a part me believes he ended the affair just to get a reaction from me/hurt me/get revenge on me, but I never feed into that stuff. It would not be like him to find some crazy way to reach out to me only to be possibly rejected especially since I blocked him.

 

Remember only you guys on here know that I miss him, as far as he knows I could care less...

Edited December 31, 2014 by october87

[DKT3]

October, I don't believe for a second that you ignored MM for three years and he kept coming. That is beyond creepy, and honestly scary. Nah, you encouraged somehow. It would have been so easy to block him and be done. Again you enjoyed the ego boost and attention, which I believe is what this reaching out business is all about now.

[october87]

In case you missed it, OP is also in a relationship. In fact its a longer running relationship then MM. So no she shouldn't be reaching out. Maybe if it was like your situation and her SO asked her too, but she would have to tell him that she has been cheating for half their relationship first.

 

Get my point? Her SO is clueless, yet you believe she owes the MOM more then she is willing to give her SO?

 

October, you have to see how alarming this is that you feel you owe your AP honesty but are waffling about giving your partner honesty.

I never said I wanted to give the MOM more honesty than my BF.

 

What I am saying is because I didn't do a NC letter prior to going to NC, I feel BAD about that. The letter wouldn't be some confession of deep honest feeling. Some affairs mean nothing to people and then yes they disappear or whatever they want. We had a friendship and I think I owed him just a little more.

 

I have no idea if my BF had any type of closure with his ONS. I need people to remember I was a Betrayed GF, long before I was a wandering one, I do understand ALL angles of this. I don't say the things I say as some naive cheating GF who has no idea how it feels to be betrayed. When I broke up with BF over it, I left it in his hands to fix it how he saw fit. I see NO reasons to put demands on someone, If I am who he wants and then he will do what he needs to.

 

Maybe he told his ONS goodbye, maybe he never spoke to her again, I don't know and I don't care to snoop and find out either. He handled it however he did. I am going to tell him, but I don't need people biting my head off because I want to pick and choose how I tell. When I found out in a horrible way that my BF had a ONS, he admitted he wouldn't have told me, because he didn't want to hurt me and that maybe he would have confessed one day . So according to him I am allowed to figure how I want to confess and when unless something horrible happens of course...

[bathtub-row]

That makes no sense. Yeah the damage is done, but the bf doesn't know about the damage. It's not a hard concept to understand. Why should the OM receive more honesty and closure than the BF? DKT has been on poin in this thread. The OM is not entitled to closure. He has his own family that he should be concerned about. And to answer the other person's question, no, there are no studies to support DKT claims. I just googled "common courtesy to give to your AP" and nothing came up. They aren't entitled to anything because they are not in a real relationship.

 

It makes perfect sense because I'm not concerned about her bf. That's not what this post is about. She didn't say one word about "contact xMM vs tell my bf". All she's talking about is rectifying a less-than-stellar break up. And, yes, I think she should un-do the damage.

[october87]

October, I don't believe for a second that you ignored MM for three years and he kept coming. That is beyond creepy, and honestly scary. Nah, you encouraged somehow. It would have been so easy to block him and be done. Again you enjoyed the ego boost and attention, which I believe is what this reaching out business is all about now.

 

Yes I allowed him to remain my friend on facebook, he would keep LC, liking all my pics and statuses. But no I didn't respond to any of his messages during the time that 3 years. It's not like he texted non stop, every couple months or so he would send out a fishing text that I did not reply to. 2012 was when I discovered my BF's ONS and I was in nursing school and had a miscarriage so I was not concerned about MOM AT ALL. He was an annoyance because everything I was going through. so all of 2012 and 2013 was spent on finishing school and coping with betrayal that truly messed me up for awhile. Like I said, I didn't have that kinda of time on my hands...

[DKT3]

Yes I allowed him to remain my friend on facebook, he would keep LC, liking all my pics and statuses. But no I didn't respond to any of his messages during the time that 3 years. It's not like he texted non stop, every couple months or so he would send out a fishing text that I did not reply to. 2012 was when I discovered my BF's ONS and I was in nursing school and had a miscarriage so I was not concerned about MOM AT ALL. He was an annoyance because everything I was going through. so all of 2012 and 2013 was spent on finishing school and coping with betrayal that truly messed me up for awhile. Like I said, I didn't have that kinda of time on my hands...

 

Wait, I thought you started up with MM after your BF ONS. This says that you were into him before the ONS. Maybe I confused something.

[october87]

Wait, I thought you started up with MM after your BF ONS. This says that you were into him before the ONS. Maybe I confused something.

 

Ok let me break it down

 

2010- BF and I had some issues (not to do with cheating) and decided to split for a little bit. Enter exMOM trying to make me his GF and our friendship starts. I decided to go back to BF, MOM wants to still be friends, I stop talking to him because he still wants more. 2 months later he meets his wife

 

2011- still texting me, reaching out, but then gets quickly married

 

2012- I found out BF cheated. MOM still sends out here and there fishing texts which are ignored.

 

2013- Not so many texts anymore from MOM but he is liking all my FB pics and status so I guess FB stalking me. I am still finishing school and coping.

 

2014- I feel better about myself, lost a lot of weight, BF and I get into an intense stupid argument, the past comes up. I get frusrated with the pattern and run right into MOM's arms and he so happened to be separating at the time.

 

2015- hoping for better days

[Hope Shimmers]

Yes I allowed him to remain my friend on facebook, he would keep LC, liking all my pics and statuses. But no I didn't respond to any of his messages during the time that 3 years. It's not like he texted non stop, every couple months or so he would send out a fishing text that I did not reply to. 2012 was when I discovered my BF's ONS and I was in nursing school and had a miscarriage so I was not concerned about MOM AT ALL. He was an annoyance because everything I was going through. so all of 2012 and 2013 was spent on finishing school and coping with betrayal that truly messed me up for awhile. Like I said, I didn't have that kinda of time on my hands...

 

Despite what you're being accused of (from people who don't know your situation other than what you say on a message board), it's not that uncommon for someone to 'stalk' you for a period of years despite no encouragement.

 

The title of your thread (and your original post topic) is "should I reach out to exMOM?" I think that it may be water under the bridge now, but that you can learn something from what you did. If someone truly cares about you, and you have a relationship with them of your own free will (regardless whether people believe the relationship is morally "right" or not), then that person deserves the common courtesy of being told that you are ending it. I think it's horrible that some people think that just because this guy was an OM he doesn't have feelings, he's a horrible person, and not human enough to deserve common courtesy.

 

Whether your boyfriend should be told is another topic for another thread (and didn't it state somewhere that he cheated on you?)

 

I don't personally believe that you are suggesting to reach out to exOM to receive an ego boost or to start communications. You state that this isn't the reason, you seem believable, and to accuse you of having other motives seems unnecessarily judgmental. If I had done what you did, and just cut out of someone's life (a person I cared about), I would feel the exact same way you do. However, contacting him now might give him the wrong impression. That's what you risk.

[october87]

Despite what you're being accused of (from people who don't know your situation other than what you say on a message board), it's not that uncommon for someone to 'stalk' you for a period of years despite no encouragement.

 

The title of your thread (and your original post topic) is "should I reach out to exMOM?" I think that it may be water under the bridge now, but that you can learn something from what you did. If someone truly cares about you, and you have a relationship with them of your own free will (regardless whether people believe the relationship is morally "right" or not), then that person deserves the common courtesy of being told that you are ending it. I think it's horrible that some people think that just because this guy was an OM he doesn't have feelings, he's a horrible person, and not human enough to deserve common courtesy.

 

Whether your boyfriend should be told is another topic for another thread (and didn't it state somewhere that he cheated on you?)

 

I don't personally believe that you are suggesting to reach out to exOM to receive an ego boost or to start communications. You state that this isn't the reason, you seem believable, and to accuse you of having other motives seems unnecessarily judgmental. If I had done what you did, and just cut out of someone's life (a person I cared about), I would feel the exact same way you do. However, contacting him now might give him the wrong impression. That's what you risk.

 

And I would be leery of WS who do just throw their AP away like trash and start exclaiming that the AP was nothing. Alot of that is just to appease the BS. If my BF found out, NO DOUBT I would would try to downplay to spare his feelings,but here I am posting on this board so BS's need to be leery of that.

 

I don't like what my affair says about me as a person and I also do not like how I ended things and what that says about me as well.

 

If exAP or MOM is a piece of trash and nothing then what does that say about me for being involved with him. What does that say about my relationship. That my relationship was worth being thrown away for a piece of trash human being who was nothing to me? I doubt BF would feel good to know that is how I treat another human being despite how hurt.

 

If he had dogged his ONS as some nasty dirty female, then I want to know what that says about him and wouldn't have allowed. She wasn't dirty or nasty when you laid down with her...

[DKT3]

Despite what you're being accused of (from people who don't know your situation other than what you say on a message board), it's not that uncommon for someone to 'stalk' you for a period of years despite no encouragement.

 

The title of your thread (and your original post topic) is "should I reach out to exMOM?" I think that it may be water under the bridge now, but that you can learn something from what you did. If someone truly cares about you, and you have a relationship with them of your own free will (regardless whether people believe the relationship is morally "right" or not), then that person deserves the common courtesy of being told that you are ending it. I think it's horrible that some people think that just because this guy was an OM he doesn't have feelings, he's a horrible person, and not human enough to deserve common courtesy.

 

Whether your boyfriend should be told is another topic for another thread (and didn't it state somewhere that he cheated on you?)

 

I don't personally believe that you are suggesting to reach out to exOM to receive an ego boost or to start communications. You state that this isn't the reason, you seem believable, and to accuse you of having other motives seems unnecessarily judgmental. If I had done what you did, and just cut out of someone's life (a person I cared about), I would feel the exact same way you do. However, contacting him now might give him the wrong impression. That's what you risk.

 

If you would actually read the thread and stop with all your passive aggressive digs you would see people aren't assuming these things. She said she wanted the ego boost, she said she was confused about her feeling and wanted to be able to contact him in the future. She questioned her own motives so why shouldn't we. She stated that she was looking for the best way to confess to her BF. So how is it judgmental.

 

October, I'm not your enemy I can be abrasive at times but I know the best way through these things is honesty. Starting with yourself. Step back, got back through your threads and you will see that in your own words you are confused about your feelings for MM and BF. You have this fantasy that you can somehow combine the two men. As Hope so often loves to point out I was in a similar position. After my divorce I started dating a wonderful woman. For about two year I had as little contact with my ex as I could having two kids with her. My new relationship was moving too fast, she wanted marriage kids the whole nine. I wasn't there, and I didn't know if I would be, not to mention I wasn't over my ex. Well the ex and I slowly started talking again, nothing romanic just co-parent stuff that turned into how are you, are you dating how's your parents. Then into friendly conversations about how's life. At some point we started doing things together with the kids. I found myself wanting to spend more time with the ex so I ended the relationship with the girlfriend because of that and because she was offered an amazing job in Chicago but wasn't going to take it to stay with me. She moved to chicago and slowly contact declined. Once I committed to my ex the girlfriend started contacting me. Things got a little messy but I was honest with both women. The girlfriend was never the OW and it was never an affair. I did write her a no contact email with my ex by my side. I told Hope these thing in PM's and she took it upon herself to share it in the open forum.

 

I have had the desire to contact her, to explain things. But that really helps no one. It won't take away her pain and could only harm my relationship. Lovin is already insecure about that relationship why would I risk creating pain on both women to ease my guilt?

[Rainbowlove]

Closure.

 

I think that's the focus here.

 

Closure to move on. It was an important piece for my XAP and myself.

 

It's a relationship, regardless of wrong or right. There are two hearts and souls involved and those two beating hearts need to find a way to say goodbye to each other and close the door to move forward in life.

 

I also believe in connectedness beyond a physical relationship. It's an individual belief, I know, but my XAP needed to express herself and I did too, nearly one year after ending it to let go.

 

Everyone is different. Some need closure. Some don't.

 

It's your call.

[Hope Shimmers]

If you would actually read the thread and stop with all your passive aggressive digs you would see people aren't assuming these things.

 

I read the thread DK. Please don't make assumptions that aren't true.

 

She said she wanted the ego boost, she said she was confused about her feeling and wanted to be able to contact him in the future. She questioned her own motives so why shouldn't we. She stated that she was looking for the best way to confess to her BF. So how is it judgmental.

 

Questioning motives is one thing. Saying "I don't believe for a second that what you said is true" and suggesting that someone has more malicious intentions is another thing totally. Emotional reactions to life and relationships aren't black and white. Confusion is normal. At least she is admitting it. However, I believe her when she says that her intent in reaching out to exMM is to right a wrong, not to seek an ego boost or continue communications or continue the affair. To suggest that when the OP says otherwise is judgmental in my opinion. (Note the "in my opinion" part).

 

I told Hope these thing in PM's and she took it upon herself to share it in the open forum.

 

Whoa DK. I haven't said anything on this forum that you yourself have not said multiple times in other posts in other threads. If you need me to point those posts out to you, I will do so. Please stop the accusations. I am not sure what you suddenly have against me, but just stop.

 

I have had the desire to contact her, to explain things. But that really helps no one.

That is your opinion, but your ex-girlfriend might see that differently.

 

It won't take away her pain and could only harm my relationship. Lovin is already insecure about that relationship why would I risk creating pain on both women to ease my guilt?

True - it could harm YOUR relationship, so that is the real reason. And Lovin's insecurity.

[jellybean89]

Totally agree with everything DKT3 has posted.