Nightmares - Have you gotten them from you spouse's infidelity

[jm2013]

For the past couple weeks I've been having terrible nightmares. I haven't even really had many dreams over the past year but these are really sticking out to me. Each one revolves around my wife's infidelity and I wake up and my shirt is pretty much soaked in sweat. The dreams range from new affairs being uncovered at her work to her previous AP. They are so vivid but for some reason are happening every night now. It's like I cannot get away from it. Has anybody else experienced nightmares from these types of events?

[Rainbowlove]

It's like I cannot get away from it.

 

Maybe you are not supposed to get away from it. These are feelings you have to face alone and with your wife together.

 

Have you shared the dreams with her?

 

My wife woke up this past Thursday morning from a dream that I left her to be with my AP. We spent the entire morning crying, hugging, talking, processing everything - again - and at the end of our conversation and tears we were happy to still be together talking through it.

 

For us, there is no giving up. We are actually thankful for our talking - even if it hurts in the moment, we both feel better after we share our feelings.

[Clay]

They will last for years to come. Did you get into counseling?

 

 

Clay

[jm2013]

Maybe you are not supposed to get away from it. These are feelings you have to face alone and with your wife together.

 

Have you shared the dreams with her?

 

My wife woke up this past Thursday morning from a dream that I left her to be with my AP. We spent the entire morning crying, hugging, talking, processing everything - again - and at the end of our conversation and tears we were happy to still be together talking through it.

 

For us, there is no giving up. We are actually thankful for our talking - even if it hurts in the moment, we both feel better after we share our feelings.

 

I have not shared this with her no. I have felt like I have kept my guard up with her. She hasn't really reached out to me in a long time to see how I was doing about it all. We don't really talk about it and I'm sure she enjoys that. Sometimes I feel like her big wish was for this all to just go away and live life again and just forget about it but she is completely wrong. I think soon her actions will be caught up to her for good. Not as a punishment but just something that cannot be overcome. These were the risks she took when she had her affair. At some point you have to ask yourself if your actions are worth the reactions.

 

They will last for years to come. Did you get into counseling?

 

 

Clay

 

We do go to counseling. We've actually got another session scheduled for the beginning of next year. It is amusing to see how much her piss poor decisions have cost emotionally and monetarily.

[Mal78]

For the past couple weeks I've been having terrible nightmares. I haven't even really had many dreams over the past year but these are really sticking out to me. Each one revolves around my wife's infidelity and I wake up and my shirt is pretty much soaked in sweat. The dreams range from new affairs being uncovered at her work to her previous AP. They are so vivid but for some reason are happening every night now. It's like I cannot get away from it. Has anybody else experienced nightmares from these types of events?

Yes... for years it was frequent. Then it has become less and less. It does, however still happen. The most recent was a month ago. All I remember is my H saying, "it *is* only sex". My interpretation in the dream was that he still had intentions to continue having sex with her but that (according to him) was all it was.

 

Which leads me to question, why does WSs use "it was *only* sex" when justifying an PA? Does that REALLY make things better?

[jm2013]

Yes... for years it was frequent. Then it has become less and less. It does, however still happen. The most recent was a month ago. All I remember is my H saying, "it *is* only sex". My interpretation in the dream was that he still had intentions to continue having sex with her but that (according to him) was all it was.

 

Which leads me to question, why does WSs use "it was *only* sex" when justifying an PA? Does that REALLY make things better?

 

I'm definitely not looking forward to that! WS's use "only sex" to minimize what they did. It sounds better than we "made love" with an emotional attachment. I remember my wife telling me a long time ago the difference between fing and making love. I am certain she felt her an AP were "making love". It just totally disgusts me.

[Mal78]

Again, another reason why A are life lasting. My WS had dreams of me cheating for years also. They were often so real to him he would wake up upset and in a sweat. It would take him a while to calm him down and then he couldn’t go back to sleep.

 

I have never given him an ounce of mistrust. I won't even get in a car alone with his brother (he is married as of a year ago). If my H friends happen to drop by I *never* invite them in unless my H is home. These are things I have done to honor my H and our marriage. I don't put myself ever in a position for temptation for either party.

[Mal78]

I'm definitely not looking forward to that! WS's use "only sex" to minimize what they did. It sounds better than we "made love" with an emotional attachment. I remember my wife telling me a long time ago the difference between fing and making love. I am certain she felt her an AP were "making love". It just totally disgusts me.

 

It minimizes nothing for me. Sex *always* means something unless perhaps you are in the sex trade/industry and it's a *job* (still, then it has meaning and/or purpose). If there is some type of courtship even if it is an hour at a bar prior it still (to me) means something even if all you gain is sexual experience.

 

So... I believe it to be a cop out!

[Rainbowlove]

I have not shared this with her no. I have felt like I have kept my guard up with her. She hasn't really reached out to me in a long time to see how I was doing about it all. We don't really talk about it and I'm sure she enjoys that. Sometimes I feel like her big wish was for this all to just go away and live life again and just forget about it but she is completely wrong. I think soon her actions will be caught up to her for good.

 

You are in recovery, but don't talk about it? You are haunted in your dreams b/c you are not dealing with it in the present time.

 

You are sort of bending, but not breaking by avoiding the affair - by not forcing the issue to resolve or not.

 

If you choose not to resolve, you have to talk. If you choose to resolve, you have to talk.

 

She did make bad choices, but you are for the present time, choosing to recover to some degree.

 

By remaining silent, are you only hurting her? Or are you also suffering inside?

 

Silence plays out eventually, yes, it does.

 

Say what you need to say. Whatever it is, say it. She will have to listen to you. It doesn't go away b/c we don't talk about it.

[jm2013]

It minimizes nothing for me. Sex *always* means something unless perhaps you are in the sex trade/industry and it's a *job* (still, then it has meaning and/or purpose). If there is some type of courtship even if it is an hour at a bar prior it still (to me) means something even if all you gain is sexual experience.

 

So... I believe it to be a cop out!

 

Of course it means something. If you're having sex with another person outside of your spouse you're cheating no matter how much you try to minimize it. I was just saying I think a cheater will say "it was just sex" to make the BS feel relieved that they were not in love. Like it would make some sort of significant difference. As a guy the sex first bothered me. Then afterwords I thought about the emotional part of it. It's kind of funny because my wife always has told me "it was more emotional than physical". Like I'm supposed to feel better because of that.

[Mal78]

Of course it means something. If you're having sex with another person outside of your spouse you're cheating no matter how much you try to minimize it. I was just saying I think a cheater will say "it was just sex" to make the BS feel relieved that they were not in love. Like it would make some sort of significant difference. As a guy the sex first bothered me. Then afterwords I thought about the emotional part of it. It's kind of funny because my wife always has told me "it was more emotional than physical". Like I'm supposed to feel better because of that.

 

I know you weren't justifying it. I was just escalating the bandwagon of being pissed off by that lame a $$ excuse

[Rainbowlove]

If she says it was just sex, she's a dirty whore and how could she?

 

If she says, she made love to him, she's disgusting for being capable of falling in love with someone else. How could she?

 

There is no pretty or acceptable answer here.

 

She was physically intimate with him for reasons - and I'm sure she did feel love if she said it was more emotional than physical.

 

She had something inside her that was broken. Something she needed from him that she wasn't getting from you. There's a reason she looked outside of your marriage for an emotional attachment and then physical.

 

What are those reasons? Why did she choose to engage with him? What was missing from inside of herself that he or the relationship provided? She was getting something from it - more than just sex. What was it???

 

And does it matter to you why? Truly, does it matter to you why??

[Mal78]

Of course it means something. If you're having sex with another person outside of your spouse you're cheating no matter how much you try to minimize it. I was just saying I think a cheater will say "it was just sex" to make the BS feel relieved that they were not in love. Like it would make some sort of significant difference. As a guy the sex first bothered me. Then afterwords I thought about the emotional part of it. It's kind of funny because my wife always has told me "it was more emotional than physical". Like I'm supposed to feel better because of that.

 

I know you weren't justifying it. I was just escalating the bandwagon of being pissed off by that lame a $$ excuse

[Clay]

I think you need to get into Individual counseling. I think relearning how to live with you is important through all this. I completely lost myself in trying to help my xW. Its important that you reinvest in yourself. Just to be very clear think of it this way. If you don't protect yourself then who will.

 

You can do all the other things you want but you seriously need to put you at the top of the list.

 

Clay

[jm2013]

I think you need to get into Individual counseling. I think relearning how to live with you is important through all this. I completely lost myself in trying to help my xW. Its important that you reinvest in yourself. Just to be very clear think of it this way. If you don't protect yourself then who will.

 

You can do all the other things you want but you seriously need to put you at the top of the list.

 

Clay

 

I have put myself at the top. I'm doing lean gains and focusing on hitting even more bench marks for my health and want to acquire a full six pack abs. I've got ambitious things I'm doing right now. Also, I've been focusing on my business. Things are looking up in 2015 that would stick with me and doesn't revolve exclusively around my marriage. I've been trying to do this on purpose so if we do decide to part ways it will be that much easier to do without that offbeat feeling when you split.

[Clay]

Get individual counseling too. Marriage counselors are great but there job is not to fix you. Its to fix problems in a marriage. You can do both. I do not envy your position. It was a horrible experience for me and I hope I never have to deal with it again.

 

Clay

[jm2013]

Get individual counseling too. Marriage counselors are great but there job is not to fix you. Its to fix problems in a marriage. You can do both. I do not envy your position. It was a horrible experience for me and I hope I never have to deal with it again.

 

Clay

 

I've been pondering that. I actually told our MC that in the last session. From what I told him I'm sure everybody would be like "He's having an affair". But I made it clear there is nobody else. I told him I thought it would be advantageous for me to find my own counselor to try and work out my feelings so they can be collected, analyzed, spoken through and processed so I can make a clear path on where I even want to go with my life.

[Rainbowlove]

I think IC is a good idea.

 

I'd like to suggest keeping journal too, if you don't already.

 

This will help you keep track of your thoughts and to look back at them to see if you've made progress at all.

 

Just a suggestion.

[Clay]

See this is the part that will really just suck you in. You will get so caught up in not only watching her but reexamining everything you could be doing wrong. It drove me crazy. As much as you think you might have control over how things are going your wrong. You need someone to help you look at all this and help you deal with your feelings. Friends are great but lets be honest some of the things we experience are not things we are going to share with our friends.

 

Clay

[Clay]

I think IC is a good idea.

 

I'd like to suggest keeping journal too, if you don't already.

 

This will help you keep track of your thoughts and to look back at them to see if you've made progress at all.

 

Just a suggestion.

 

The journal is a great suggestion but if you do make sure there is no way anyone else can ever read it.

 

The last thing you need is for her to find it.

 

Clay

[jm2013]

I actually made an anonymous blog that my wife found out about and was following. It allowed me to communicate in a way she enjoyed and even responded to outlined questions. Though even then she admitted to suppressing parts of her story cause she felt it would destroy us. It was kind of amusing to go back and read through. I really didn't find out about how many times they allegedly been together physically until last June. I suspect this is only the number she knows she leaked to her friend. I'm sure the real number is far more. She probably thought she'd only confess to how many times she absolutely knew was floating around outside of what her and her AP knew.

[Bryanp]

From what you just wrote in your last post I do not understand why you have not divorced her. If the roles were reversed do you think she would be so forgiving and accepting as you have been. I would suggest that:

 

1. See a lawyer to understand your options.

2. Get tested for STD's.

 

You sound like one of the nice guys and your wife probably felt that she could be screwing this OM multiple times and putting your health at risk for STD's and if caught you would immediately forgive her. I guess she was correct. What have been the consequences to her affair? Did you expose the OM to his wife and girlfriend? Your wife still refuses to be completely honest with you. What is wrong with this picture?

 

The actions of your wife shows that she has very little respect for you and had no problem betraying you as a man and your marriage.

 

IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?

[jm2013]

From what you just wrote in your last post I do not understand why you have not divorced her. If the roles were reversed do you think she would be so forgiving and accepting as you have been. I would suggest that:

 

1. See a lawyer to understand your options.

2. Get tested for STD's.

 

You sound like one of the nice guys and your wife probably felt that she could be screwing this OM multiple times and putting your health at risk for STD's and if caught you would immediately forgive her. I guess she was correct. What have been the consequences to her affair? Did you expose the OM to his wife and girlfriend? Your wife still refuses to be completely honest with you. What is wrong with this picture?

 

The actions of your wife shows that she has very little respect for you and had no problem betraying you as a man and your marriage.

 

IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?

 

I saw a lawyer a long time ago on retainer. I did have her get tested for STDs shortly after I uncovered her affair. If the roles were reversed I'm not sure we'd still be together. She'd have deepened support from her parents who wanted to see me abolished anyways. I also tried to contact OM's wife through a few different outlets to no avail. I'm not exactly sure she knows about the affair.

[road]

I saw a lawyer a long time ago on retainer. I did have her get tested for STDs shortly after I uncovered her affair. If the roles were reversed I'm not sure we'd still be together. She'd have deepened support from her parents who wanted to see me abolished anyways. I also tried to contact OM's wife through a few different outlets to no avail. I'm not exactly sure she knows about the affair.

 

 

 

Hire a PI if you can not get contact info for the OMW. You must expose the affair to her. It is a big step to leaving the affair in the past.

[Bryanp]

You sound like you are doing everything correct.

 

You deserve better and she deserves less. Good luck.