Monodare1 Posted December 29, 2014 Share Posted December 29, 2014 Hi guys Tomorrow is my fathers 90th birthday and I was keen for my 4 year old son to attend the birthday lunch. However, the stbxw did not want to drop my son at our mutually agreed hand over location due to bad fog, so told me that my only alternative was to collect my own son from her new boyfriend the following day as she was working. I found this extremely awkward and uncomfortable as we have not broken breath to each other the whole time she has been with him, so based on my feelings, I declined. Time constraints on the timing of the collection (as I don't drive) were also a factor, but was I wrong or was the stbxw wrong to put my son in a situation where his father is collecting him from his mothers new partner without the mother there? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 29, 2014 Share Posted December 29, 2014 Time constraints on the timing of the collection (as I don't drive) were also a factor, but was I wrong or was the stbxw wrong to put my son in a situation where his father is collecting him from his mothers new partner without the mother there? My instincts would be the opposite. If he was going to be involved in my son's life, I'd want to meet and size him up. And for him to know me. YMMV... Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
DivorcedDad123 Posted December 29, 2014 Share Posted December 29, 2014 I agree. She should introduce you to the bf before just dropping the kid off by him. That said, why didn't you just go to her home and pick up kiddo,or make it really EASY for her by driving extremely close to her home to get him? If the fog was so bad, I think bypassing the mutually agreed drop-off point would be ok. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monodare1 Posted December 29, 2014 Author Share Posted December 29, 2014 As mentioned, I don't have a driving licence and as our son is 4 in feb, she is still trying to get him out of overnight pull-ups and made the excuse that he's had three dry nights and didn't want to interrupt the flow my my getting him midweek out with our usual routine (as I'm off for the holidays). I've briefly met the new guy once but that was a fleeting awkward handshake then we both left the scene quickly. I just feel that going from one brief handshake during the summer to my collecting my son from him without her there seemed really inappropriate and random. I would want to slowly get to know my replacement before just turning up doing the small talk etc I really don't know the guy and have very bad feelings towards the guy as I feel like he's replacing me almost as my sons father. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted December 29, 2014 Share Posted December 29, 2014 No one replaces another. He's not your replacement. YOU are your son's father. You have to shift your thinking. He is replacing you in the bedroom as your wife's new lover, but not your son's new father. They are different. YOU are your son's father. You should make every effort to meet him and to find out what kind of person he is - if he's going to be spending time with your son. That is your responsibility as your son's father. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 29, 2014 Share Posted December 29, 2014 When I dated a man with a child I got to meet his EXW under similar circumstances. In order for the son to have Christmas with his dad I had to be the one to drive him back to the mom. Yes I would have preferred my then BF be there but the adult's unease was not more important than the child so we all made due Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 You are giving up time with your child because you feel awkward or want to make a point. Keep your eye on the prize. Your son is the prize. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 I just feel that going from one brief handshake during the summer to my collecting my son from him without her there seemed really inappropriate and random. I would want to slowly get to know my replacement before just turning up doing the small talk etc I really don't know the guy and have very bad feelings towards the guy as I feel like he's replacing me almost as my sons father. With no effort to sugarcoat things at all - welcome to divorce. This part sucks because, at best, you get to parent your child 50% of the time. And the other half of your kids life is up to someone whose judgement, emotional balance and problem solving skills you may have first-hand reason to doubt. All you can do is all you can do. And I do think adults are more sensitive to the awkwardness of meeting Mom's new BF than kids are. Keep your chin up, maintain eye contact and get through it. This too will pass... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 Should've taken a cab to his house and picked your son up. It was your dad's 90th birthday, that's a pretty special occasion. Next time put your son first above your own feelings, yes it's awkward and weird to meet your ex's new boyfriend but the guy is around YOUR son, you should want to get to know him and want to know what type of person he is because he's around your kid. And, he isn't a replacement, he's a step parent to your child, nobody can replace you as his father. You and your ex need to get to a place of common ground and respect for one another as co parents so you can talk comfortably and be on good terms when it comes to your son. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monodare1 Posted December 30, 2014 Author Share Posted December 30, 2014 It is difficult to do so, despite the fact that we try to calm it down for the little ones sake, she is critical of my approach to my little ones upbringing, then my little one tells me that the stbxw's partner tells him that he's his daddy now, which is like a red rag to a bull. I had been trying not to have contact with the stbxw's new guy as I'm worried that if he said the wrong thing to me that I wouldn't be able to contain my temper. I know it's selfish, but I don't want to do that for my little ones sake. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 This isn't about playing nice. Doesn't matter how uncomfortable it is, you have to make a stand at some point. Especially when your STBXes new guy gets to the point of trying to be the "new daddy" just to please his new bed warmer. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 It is difficult to do so, despite the fact that we try to calm it down for the little ones sake, she is critical of my approach to my little ones upbringing, then my little one tells me that the stbxw's partner tells him that he's his daddy now, which is like a red rag to a bull. The person who's opinion matters is your son, not the STBXW or her new guy. Maximizing the quality and quantity of time with your children should be your only concern and will strengthen the bond over time. That part you can control, what other people say you can't. Don't get caught up in their game, it's counter-productive. I had been trying not to have contact with the stbxw's new guy as I'm worried that if he said the wrong thing to me that I wouldn't be able to contain my temper. That's making it about you. Make it about your kids ... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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