The No Contact letter(email,text)

[Red123]

For the BSs here, was there NC communication from your spouse to the AP? Did you see the NC communication from your spouse to the OW/MOW/OM/MOM? Did you help write it or read it before they sent it? Did they do it on their own or was it a condition of R? Thanks

[jm2013]

For the BSs here, was there NC communication from your spouse to the AP? Did you see the NC communication from your spouse to the OW/MOW/OM/MOM? Did you help write it or read it before they sent it? Did they do it on their own or was it a condition of R? Thanks

 

Hi Red,

 

Now that you bring this up, at least for me, I don't think there was ever no contact letter or email. I just "assumed" if she was sincere about reconciling I wouldn't have to force this on her. This would have been something she did on her own. Then again, when I found out about my wife's affair I left. I pretty much gave her every opportunity in the world to go run off with her lover. I did tell her verbally though she wasn't to ever speak with him ever again. Which of course was broken.

Edited December 29, 2014 by jm2013

[road]

The WS must write a NC letter then show it to the BS for approval. The NC is to be brief. Stating that the affair was wrong and that the WS regrets the pain the affair caused their BS. That there will be NC between them forever.

 

 

Then the WS shows the letter to the BS for their approval. Then allows the BS to mail the letter so that the BS knows the letter was sent, and sent as written.

[autumnnight]

If you just had D-Day, then your WS needs to write a NC letter that you see, approve, and mail.

 

If the A was 5 years ago, you can verify NC since then...then digging up the AP's address and re-opening communication just to write a 5 year past due letter is stupid.

 

BUT the big thing IMO is that the BS sees it, approves it, and mails it.

[Red123]

Hi Red,

 

Now that you bring this up, at least for me, I don't think there was ever no contact letter or email. I just "assumed" if she was sincere about reconciling I wouldn't have to force this on her. This would have been something she did on her own. Then again, when I found out about my wife's affair I left. I pretty much gave her every opportunity in the world to go run off with her lover. I did tell her verbally though she wasn't to ever speak with him ever again. Which of course was broken.

 

She must not have wanted to be with him then. I agree with giving the WS the choice. I would never want someone to stay with me under duress. Tbh I didn't know anything about NC letters when I discovered my Hs A. We split up prior to my discovery, so he too was free to ride off into the sunset;). He actually started reading online about NC and wrote the letter himself. He asked me to read it, I changed nothing, but it was kinda long about how much pain he caused, then he emailed it and emailed it to me with her response. I think NC is an obvious for R but not everyone thinks to send a letter. I didn't but I'm glad he did it.

[Red123]

If you just had D-Day, then your WS needs to write a NC letter that you see, approve, and mail.

 

If the A was 5 years ago, you can verify NC since then...then digging up the AP's address and re-opening communication just to write a 5 year past due letter is stupid.

 

BUT the big thing IMO is that the BS sees it, approves it, and mails it.

 

I totally agree. In my case I also didn't tell the MOWs H and have received a lot of feedback that I made the wrong choice but it has been too long and I don't want to open that door over a year later. At the time it was self protection, I didn't want them in my life and didn't have the strength to deal with her H as well as mine.

[Red123]

Hi Red,

 

Now that you bring this up, at least for me, I don't think there was ever no contact letter or email. I just "assumed" if she was sincere about reconciling I wouldn't have to force this on her. This would have been something she did on her own. Then again, when I found out about my wife's affair I left. I pretty much gave her every opportunity in the world to go run off with her lover. I did tell her verbally though she wasn't to ever speak with him ever again. Which of course was broken.

 

Is she fully NC now? Or are you talking about at the beginning?

[Bartlett67]

My fWH sent an email. The subject line read "f*ck off." The body said, simply, " lose my contact information." He'd NC'd Her before, but this particular message seems to have had the perfect, delicate blend of concision and eloquence for the message to have gotten through. No, she's tried no more. I don't care if she does, though. It will get her exactly nowhere.

[Red123]

My fWH sent an email. The subject line read "f*ck off." The body said, simply, " lose my contact information." He'd NC'd Her before, but this particular message seems to have had the perfect, delicate blend of concision and eloquence for the message to have gotten through. No, she's tried no more. I don't care if she does, though. It will get her exactly nowhere.

 

Blunt and to the point. I guess whatever gets the job done.

[Zigoto2]

My husband gave her a break-up and NC phone call. He wrote down what he was going to say and called from his cell with me in the same room. He had shown me the text before calling her. I asked him not to tell her he was calling from home and that I was there with him. When she asked where he was (she asked twice and didn't sound happy, I could hear her from across the room), he told her he was at the office. I didn't want her to think I was forcing him to break up with her, I wanted her to know it was his decision.

 

It had been a long affair (started as a 6 months EA followed by a 27 months PA). Before he decided to go NC, I had told my husband that he had to make a choice. I told him it was entirely his decision to have an affair but that now he had to decide what kind of life he wanted to live. I told him that now that I knew he was leading a double life, I was in a position to make my own life choices and that if he wanted to keep his relationship with his MOW, I was walking away. He made his decision on the spot and has never talked to her after that phone call. Had he, I would have walked away.

 

Like Red, I didn't tell the MOW's husband. I had enough to deal with at the time. Now, that is the only thing I regret. If he had found out first, I wish he would have told me. It's been 27 months now since Dday and I don't want to bring it to the surface again.

[Red123]

My husband gave her a break-up and NC phone call. He wrote down what he was going to say and called from his cell with me in the same room. He had shown me the text before calling her. I asked him not to tell her he was calling from home and that I was there with him. When she asked where he was (she asked twice and didn't sound happy, I could hear her from across the room), he told her he was at the office. I didn't want her to think I was forcing him to break up with her, I wanted her to know it was his decision.

 

It had been a long affair (started as a 6 months EA followed by a 27 months PA). Before he decided to go NC, I had told my husband that he had to make a choice. I told him it was entirely his decision to have an affair but that now he had to decide what kind of life he wanted to live. I told him that now that I knew he was leading a double life, I was in a position to make my own life choices and that if he wanted to keep his relationship with his MOW, I was walking away. He made his decision on the spot and has never talked to her after that phone call. Had he, I would have walked away.

 

Like Red, I didn't tell the MOW's husband. I had enough to deal with at the time. Now, that is the only thing I regret. If he had found out first, I wish he would have told me. It's been 27 months now since Dday and I don't want to bring it to the surface again.

 

It's not as easy to do as some people may think. I too had too much going on but I do feel bad for her H, this wasn't her first A and he didn't know about that one either. She said she told him about the one with my H, but we don't believe it. The last contact she attempted my H threatened to send all the emails to her H, she hasn't made any contact since so he probably doesn't know.

[Spark1111]

Hi RED! I was a Tasmanian Devil spitting fireballs. I threw him out and went more than a little crazy that he had lied to me for two years. He NEVER had to. I always told him he was free to go if he found better elsewhere. I loved him that much.

 

At any rate, He became a total mess; angry, crying, begging to reconcile....then disappearing (to her house).

 

So I was in Supersleuth mode....his computer, his cell phone, and I started sending random texts to email addresses....Hi! How are you? I had her work email, but not her personal....

 

So threeee months in, he is sitting on our living room couch, begging me to take him back, and he gets a text....She says to him I have crossed a line. Must have hit her personal email...

 

And I go batsh$t crazy!

 

the next morning I ask him if we will have ten more years of this....and can I contact and be friends with my old college BF? The one he has always been insanely jealous of?

 

the next day she calls him at work (they we're co-workers) and HE tells her to never call or contact him again.

 

She becomes hysterical. We can't still be friends? We can't speak 20 times a day?

 

Uh, no. Not unless I can speak to my xx BFs on a daily basis.....

 

What is up with these people? They have no sense of reality.

 

that is my NC story. never insisted. Since I was divorcing him.....hee had to institute it himself......and frankly, was every surprised he did so.

[BetrayedH]

The WS must write a NC letter then show it to the BS for approval. The NC is to be brief. Stating that the affair was wrong and that the WS regrets the pain the affair caused their BS. That there will be NC between them forever.

 

Then the WS shows the letter to the BS for their approval. Then allows the BS to mail the letter so that the BS knows the letter was sent, and sent as written.

 

No offense intended to Road (he's giving a solid overview of the conventional NC letter advice) but when I read what's written above, I just think, "And then the WS calls the AP from their work phone and apologizes for the letter that the BS made them write. And then they discuss the advantages vs disadvantages of burner phones and new secret email accounts."

[SolG]

No offense intended to Road (he's giving a solid overview of the conventional NC letter advice) but when I read what's written above, I just think, "And then the WS calls the AP from their work phone and apologizes for the letter that the BS made them write. And then they discuss the advantages vs disadvantages of burner phones and new secret email accounts."

 

I hope I do not offend you by providing an OW POV. This is so true! NC advice achieves nothing in and of itself.

 

On my MM's DDay he emailed me as soon as he could to let me know what was going on; his W had found some texts between us. He also wrote that he was going to make an NC phone call at his BS's insistence. As I was OS at the time and not on my usual cell number, we both knew that calling me would be fruitless anyway.

 

Apparently he attempted to call me over the next couple of days, each time with his BS with him. And of course those calls never got answered. She then dropped it (don't really know why) and I never did get any kind of NC communication. We meanwhile were still in regular contact via email and Skype. He picked me up from the airport on my return and we spent the next week together working through things and decided to continue our A.

 

Even if I had received a NC communique, I don't believe it would have made any difference.

 

I guess what I'm saying to BSs is that a NC letter/text/call in and of itself means very little. It is only part of a much larger context of WS behaviours. It would appear from what most of you have written here that it is of most value when it is self initiated by the WS without coersion; as a demonstration of true remorse that is then reflected in a whole raft of other complementary actions.

Edited December 30, 2014 by SolG

[Red123]

I hope I do not offend you by providing an OW POV. This is so true! NC advice achieves nothing in and of itself.

 

On my MM's DDay he emailed me as soon as he could to let me know what was going on; his W had found some texts between us. He also wrote that he was going to make an NC phone call at his BS's insistence. As I was OS at the time and not on my usual cell number, we both knew that calling me would be fruitless anyway.

 

Apparently he attempted to call me over the next couple of days, each time with his BS with him. And of course those calls never got answered. She then dropped it (don't really know why) and I never did get any kind of NC communication. We meanwhile were still in regular contact via email and Skype. He picked me up from the airport on my return and we spent the next week together working through things and decided to continue our A.

 

Even if I had received a NC communique, I don't believe it would have made any difference.

 

I guess what I'm saying to BSs is that a NC letter/text/call in and of itself means very little. It is only part of a much larger context of WS behaviours. It would appear from what most of you have written here that it is of most value when it is self initiated by the WS without coersion; as a demonstration of true remorse that is then reflected in a whole raft of other complementary actions.

 

It absolutely only works if the WS wants to end contact. In our case we had separated and he stated he was trying to find a way to end things with her without her making a scene, LC for about a month. When he confessed everything, he decided to write a letter to finalize it. In our case this was a really short A that was pretty juvenile. I wouldn't have believed what he told me but I had found emails and she actually confirmed what he was telling me(not knowing I was reading them) I don't think that if NC is forced it will ever work. He asked to come back and has really changed, but so have I. That's the only way things can work for me. I gave him an out to be with anyone he wanted, he didn't take it.

[Red123]

Hi RED! I was a Tasmanian Devil spitting fireballs. I threw him out and went more than a little crazy that he had lied to me for two years. He NEVER had to. I always told him he was free to go if he found better elsewhere. I loved him that much.

 

At any rate, He became a total mess; angry, crying, begging to reconcile....then disappearing (to her house).

 

So I was in Supersleuth mode....his computer, his cell phone, and I started sending random texts to email addresses....Hi! How are you? I had her work email, but not her personal....

 

So threeee months in, he is sitting on our living room couch, begging me to take him back, and he gets a text....She says to him I have crossed a line. Must have hit her personal email...

 

And I go batsh$t crazy!

 

the next morning I ask him if we will have ten more years of this....and can I contact and be friends with my old college BF? The one he has always been insanely jealous of?

 

the next day she calls him at work (they we're co-workers) and HE tells her to never call or contact him again.

 

She becomes hysterical. We can't still be friends? We can't speak 20 times a day?

 

Uh, no. Not unless I can speak to my xx BFs on a daily basis.....

 

What is up with these people? They have no sense of reality.

 

that is my NC story. never insisted. Since I was divorcing him.....hee had to institute it himself......and frankly, was every surprised he did so.

Are you divorced now? If so is he with the OW?

[Hope Shimmers]

The WS must write a NC letter then show it to the BS for approval. The NC is to be brief. Stating that the affair was wrong and that the WS regrets the pain the affair caused their BS. That there will be NC between them forever.

 

Then the WS shows the letter to the BS for their approval. Then allows the BS to mail the letter so that the BS knows the letter was sent, and sent as written.

 

Don't forget the pain that it caused to others. The BS is not the only one hurt in an A.

 

Your instructions are very official, but just because the BS wants such to happen doesn't make it so. The BS could demand that the above happen, and then the WS would just buy a disposable cell phone or find another way to contact (like mine did, and like most others do).

[TrustedthenBusted]

Mine came in three phases.

 

1. Phone call from me on DDay. I told him I knew and there was to be no more contact.

 

2. Months later he sent her a LinkedIn invitation. Claims it was an accident. She sent him an email. I got to edit it, and I made it much more stern.

 

3. I ran into him in a parking lot and almost killed him.

 

 

I think phase 3 had the most impact. Lol.

[waterwoman]

I didn't see the text he sent. It was sent in the 24 hours of minimising that H gave me when I found their texts and everything was deleted after that. I asked him to send a 'formal' email/letter that I could see but he refused - he thought it was done and dusted and anything else was just overkill and unneccesarily unkind (you can imagine what I thought of that idea!!). But in the end he wrote a letter that I could choose to send or not - it was for my reassurance more than anything else - and I chose not to. NC is in place and has been for over 2 years. The message was given and received regardless of the means.

[Friskyone4u]

Everyone knows that the NC letter or call in itself does not in any way guarantee that NC will be kept. But contrary to the few who just bragged about how they were able to continue cheating, I hate to tell you that some WS actually do mean it and want to do NC. Not everyone wants to continue to be a cheater .

A BS needs to understand they cannot force or control behavior of the WWOr WH, The NC letter or call should be voluntary and in itself only is part of the healing process if the person in the affair wants to R.

Simply asking for the letter or communication will tell you where the WS head is at.

For those who think it is useless, I guess they also think that the person cheating should keep their phones locked and hidden, e mails and FB passwords secret, and provide the BS with no transparency simply because a new e mail can be crated also.

Well every book or article I have ever read states that is there is any chance of reconciliation to occur, something more than just telling the wayward Id like you to stop banging your AP is necessary. Of course if someone is determined to continue cheating nothing will work

[road]

Now, that is the only thing I regret. If he had found out first, I wish he would have told me. It's been 27 months now since Dday and I don't want to bring it to the surface again.

 

 

 

It is never too late for the truth to come out.

[road]

No offense intended to Road (he's giving a solid overview of the conventional NC letter advice) but when I read what's written above, I just think, "And then the WS calls the AP from their work phone and apologizes for the letter that the BS made them write. And then they discuss the advantages vs disadvantages of burner phones and new secret email accounts."

 

 

 

There have been perfect NC letters sent out only to have NC broken.

 

 

NC emails, texts, WS on the phone in front of the BS. And NC was broken.

 

 

It is normal for NC to be broken. For as we know affairs are addictive and the WS and AP need a fix. Now breaking NC can just be a phone call to just catch up to all the way to meet up for sex. If the people were perfect there would not be affairs.

[road]

Everyone knows that the NC letter or call in itself does not in any way guarantee that NC will be kept.

 

 

 

 

NC is not useless. Is sets the 2nd stage for proof so that a RO is granted against the AP.

 

 

 

 

A BS needs to understand they cannot force or control behavior of the WWOr WH, The NC letter or call should be voluntary

 

 

 

 

NO it is not voluntary. It requires the WS to choose if they want to stay married to the BS.

 

 

 

 

For those who think it is useless, I guess they also think that the person cheating should keep their phones locked and hidden, e mails and FB passwords secret, and provide the BS with no transparency simply because a new e mail can be crated also.

 

 

 

 

This is why the BS demands transparency form the WS from D day. Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

 

The WS can not say believe me I am done banging my AP. The WS has to show and prove that the affair is dead for recovery to take place. The BS that accepts less will have a WS having more affairs.

[Furious]

For the BSs here, was there NC communication from your spouse to the AP? Did you see the NC communication from your spouse to the OW/MOW/OM/MOM? Did you help write it or read it before they sent it? Did they do it on their own or was it a condition of R? Thanks

 

Ironically the best thing is to encourage the affair partners to be together and wish them well.

 

A NC letter is a joke and only adds drama and heightens the secrecy that cheaters seem to get a thrill from. These are folks who are 100% into burner phones! secret email and espionage..etc... And it just makes their affair sizzle with drama. Remember, the betrayed spouse is the villian and is standing in the way of soulmates. I say, walk off the stage and do not play the part they wrote for you.

[Furious]

Don't forget the pain that it caused to others. The BS is not the only one hurt in an A.

 

Your instructions are very official, but just because the BS wants such to happen doesn't make it so. The BS could demand that the above happen, and then the WS would just buy a disposable cell phone or find another way to contact (like mine did, and like most others do).

 

 

Empathy for the OW/OM, as they are hurting too.