spookysonata Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 Empathy for the OW/OM, as they are hurting too. Nah. They knew it was a possibility and went ahead with the a anyway. I'll save my empathy for the blindsided BS, thanks. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 Are you divorced now? If so is he with the OW? No, happily reconciled many years now. I wished him well, agreed to divorce amicably, sell the assets and move on. based on the texts I was intercepting, he never told her I had given him carte blanche to be with his soulmate. It seems that was the last thing he wanted and no one was more surprised by his immediate about face than I. It's how I wound up at LS, looking for info about affairs because what I thought was true about them was not the reality I was living after dday. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Red123 Posted December 30, 2014 Author Share Posted December 30, 2014 No, happily reconciled many years now. I wished him well, agreed to divorce amicably, sell the assets and move on. based on the texts I was intercepting, he never told her I had given him carte blanche to be with his soulmate. It seems that was the last thing he wanted and no one was more surprised by his immediate about face than I. It's how I wound up at LS, looking for info about affairs because what I thought was true about them was not the reality I was living after dday. I agree, I had such a different view prior to all of this. I really didn't realize how rampant affairs are. I also said I would NEVER take him back if he cheated, and said it to everyone I knew. Ugh, embarrassing. I no longer say "if that was me I would" because I have learned I don't know what I would do until I walk there. Sounds like you handled the bad situation very well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 Empathy for the OW/OM, as they are hurting too.too much to ask a BS - waaaaaay too much 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 Empathy for the OW/OM, as they are hurting too. As I said, everyone in an A suffers. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 Everyone knows that the NC letter or call in itself does not in any way guarantee that NC will be kept. But contrary to the few who just bragged about how they were able to continue cheating, I hate to tell you that some WS actually do mean it and want to do NC. Not everyone wants to continue to be a cheater. Frisky, I'm sorry you interpreted my post as bragging. Trust me, I as much as anyone knows there is nothing at all to brag about in terms of being in an affair. Quite the contrary. My intent was to offer the facts of my experience as illustrative of one way a NC communication could go; indeed has gone. I actually spend more time on this board than the OW board because, as counterintutive as it may seem to some, the whys of how my MM and I (two otherwise intelligent and mature people) ended up here are of great interest to me. And I generally find more insight here than from fellow OW because their stories are in general similar to my own. And I need differing perspectives to gain understanding. I do not expect anyone's sympathy or empathy. But tolerance for someone just as desperate for answers as a BS would be appreciated if you can find it within you. Back to NC... I've been reflecting on this a lot as a result of this thread. And I've been thinking that there is power in this process from the OW perspective. I wrote before that a NC missive would have made no difference in my A. I actually think I was wrong. What if I hadn't read his email warning and had my cell phone on for some obscure reason, and consequently had received that NC phone call? It would have broken my heart and will. Regardless of whether or not it had been made under duress and followed up with an apology... It would have made me greatly question my value in his life. If he were willing to say those words to me at his BS's behest it would say to me that his self preservation means more to him than my feelings. I'm not sure I would have been able to reconcile that. He tells me that if he thought I would actually answer he would have found some way out of making a call at all. But I guess I'll never know. As to what would be most effective from my perspective. I actually think a call would have most impact on me (as opposed to a letter, email or text). I think if my MM were to call of his own accord (either with or without his BS there) and his voice carried the weight of his conviction to reconcile, I would bow out in a millisecond. Who knows? It may happen to me yet. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 My fWH sent an email. The subject line read "f*ck off." The body said, simply, " lose my contact information." He'd NC'd Her before, but this particular message seems to have had the perfect, delicate blend of concision and eloquence for the message to have gotten through. No, she's tried no more. I don't care if she does, though. It will get her exactly nowhere. Wow. That was hard hitting, but I'm sure you were glad he did that. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 As I said, everyone in an A suffers. Throw a match into a gas can (have an affair) do not complain about getting burned (the pain) because the immature person (AP) knew what the consequences could be before but chose to not care. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Red123 Posted December 31, 2014 Author Share Posted December 31, 2014 As I said, everyone in an A suffers. Everyone does suffer, but in all fairness two people chose to engage in selfish behavior and one did not. There are lots of circumstances where only one chooses the selfishness(WS), as maybe the OW didn't know he was married. In my case this was not the truth. She was also married and knew he was too. They both knew that they were engaging in something hurtful to their partners. I am a pretty compassionate person but I struggle to give compassion to someone who showed me none. In my situation she even refused to admit it was an A. She states that As are cheap and what they had was special, after knowing each other for maybe a month. This thread wasn't meant to decide who feels pain, but to see how people went about no contact. It wasn't meant to put anyone down or to deny their pain. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 Forgot to respond to this. For what it's worth, if it's (still) relevant, here's how to do it wrong: D-day I agree he can text her to arrange a call in two days time. For this call, he will go down the street to a payphone and call her to "end it" and tell her whatever I feel is important. So I make the list. D-day + 2 He goes down the street to a payphone and calls her. He comes back tearful, emotionally announcing that it was "90% friendship" and she told him what a bitch I'd been to her. I discover Loveshack too late and the fact of his support for her: "...that private phone call was a chance for them to get their stories straight..." Trickle-truth starts a'tricklin'. D-day + 1 month OW (my sister-in-law) emails me on my mother's death anniversary and speaks of our shared relationships. I throw up then remind her not to contact either of us again. D-day + 6 weeks OW texts WH through a friend with information needed for a final business transaction promised. WH answers text and does not tell me. I discover it the next day, flip out and provide him an example of an NC letter, which he follows almost verbatim and I mail. Conclusion: the NO-CONTACT LETTER This was the first and only thing that was done right. Since then, there has been no contact between them except for a notification that she had 'joined' Google Plus and he was in her circle of friends. She is not tech savvy enough for this to have been intentional, and he had no clue what I was talking about. So until he wrote the NC letter, nothing I'd said or done made an impression on her, but she followed his request to the letter. When he told her that what they'd done was "thoughtless and cruel," that he was going to tell our children and that all his attention would be, from then on, focused on healing his relationship with me, only then did she disappear. The story of my communication with her, necessary at times because of family connections, is another matter. But this thread was about the NC letter and whether it worked. It did. You should follow the the guidelines for what works. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Red123 Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 Forgot to respond to this. For what it's worth, if it's (still) relevant, here's how to do it wrong: D-day I agree he can text her to arrange a call in two days time. For this call, he will go down the street to a payphone and call her to "end it" and tell her whatever I feel is important. So I make the list. D-day + 2 He goes down the street to a payphone and calls her. He comes back tearful, emotionally announcing that it was "90% friendship" and she told him what a bitch I'd been to her. I discover Loveshack too late and the fact of his support for her: "...that private phone call was a chance for them to get their stories straight..." Trickle-truth starts a'tricklin'. D-day + 1 month OW (my sister-in-law) emails me on my mother's death anniversary and speaks of our shared relationships. I throw up then remind her not to contact either of us again. D-day + 6 weeks OW texts WH through a friend with information needed for a final business transaction promised. WH answers text and does not tell me. I discover it the next day, flip out and provide him an example of an NC letter, which he follows almost verbatim and I mail. Conclusion: the NO-CONTACT LETTER This was the first and only thing that was done right. Since then, there has been no contact between them except for a notification that she had 'joined' Google Plus and he was in her circle of friends. She is not tech savvy enough for this to have been intentional, and he had no clue what I was talking about. So until he wrote the NC letter, nothing I'd said or done made an impression on her, but she followed his request to the letter. When he told her that what they'd done was "thoughtless and cruel," that he was going to tell our children and that all his attention would be, from then on, focused on healing his relationship with me, only then did she disappear. The story of my communication with her, necessary at times because of family connections, is another matter. But this thread was about the NC letter and whether it worked. It did. You should follow the the guidelines for what works. I'm glad it worked for you. I think sometimes writing things out gives the WS a clearer picture of the damage they have caused. As well as reading it may give the AP a clear message. Link to post Share on other sites
Snowflower Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 For the BSs here, was there NC communication from your spouse to the AP? Did you see the NC communication from your spouse to the OW/MOW/OM/MOM? Did you help write it or read it before they sent it? Did they do it on their own or was it a condition of R? Thanks No, I didn't know enough in those early traumatic days to insist on a "NC letter" from my H to the other woman. Looking back at it now, I couldn't have imagined "making" my husband write a letter to the OW at my insistence. It seems ludicrous and smacks of the "controlling BS" persona. Every time I see the advice requiring a NC letter, and I know many infidelity experts recommend this in their books, I roll my eyes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Red123 Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 No, I didn't know enough in those early traumatic days to insist on a "NC letter" from my H to the other woman. Looking back at it now, I couldn't have imagined "making" my husband write a letter to the OW at my insistence. It seems ludicrous and smacks of the "controlling BS" persona. Every time I see the advice requiring a NC letter, and I know many infidelity experts recommend this in their books, I roll my eyes. I didn't insist either because I knew nothing about infidelity and what the experts say is a good way to handle things. My H had read that it was a good way to end things permanently. He claims he actually thought that if he kept LC by not meeting up and just minimal conversation over IM then she would just get the hint and go away, here's where I roll my eyes:). He wasn't prepared for how attached she was, because of the short timeframe they knew eachother. I too only wanted actions from him that were genuine so if I insisted on a letter ending things then it would be coming from me not him, he started the problem, he needed to fix it. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I know some NC stuff doesn't work, and was never meant to, and to be honest, if I found out that my wife had continued the A, I don't even know if I'd be shocked. BUT, when she sent the NC email, and told him how much she regretted it, and wanted nothing more to do with him personally or professionally in a well crafted letter he replied with. " LMAO. You are truly pathetic." She was crushed and humiliated, becuase I was sitting right next to her when she received it. It confirmed everything I had said to her about how little he actually cared once the booty train left the station. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Red123 Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 I know some NC stuff doesn't work, and was never meant to, and to be honest, if I found out that my wife had continued the A, I don't even know if I'd be shocked. BUT, when she sent the NC email, and told him how much she regretted it, and wanted nothing more to do with him personally or professionally in a well crafted letter he replied with. " You are truly pathetic." She was crushed and humiliated, becuase I was sitting right next to her when she received it. It confirmed everything I had said to her about how little he actually cared once the booty train left the station. I know she made her bed, but that must have been really hard for her to read. I believe in affair fog and things like that are what seem to work to lift it and IME once it lifted my WS really saw the MOW in a very different light. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 I know she made her bed, but that must have been really hard for her to read. I believe in affair fog and things like that are what seem to work to lift it and IME once it lifted my WS really saw the MOW in a very different light. Yah, this wasn't like a fog lifting. This was more like that scene where Toto yanked back the big Green curtain and she saw Oz. Oddly, I actually felt bad for her, and almost felt like I needed to rush to her defense. But I didn't. I let her steep in the reality that it all meant nothing to him, which is precisely what I had been saying all along. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Red123 Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 Yah, this wasn't like a fog lifting. This was more like that scene where Toto yanked back the big Green curtain and she saw Oz. Oddly, I actually felt bad for her, and almost felt like I needed to rush to her defense. But I didn't. I let her steep in the reality that it all meant nothing to him, which is precisely what I had been saying all along. Hard to do I'm sure, but necessary. As much as others tell us we seem to only truly learn from going through things ourselves. Having 2 teenagers, this is proven to me daily:) Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 For me, I couldn't see the logic in it. He had a framed copy of our wedding vows on his desk and he didn't abide by that. I couldn't see how sending something like this would have mattered to two liars. I think the simple fact that I calmly told him to be with her and we would have an easy divorce made him not want to contact her. As far as I know, he didn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Red123 Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 For me, I couldn't see the logic in it. He had a framed copy of our wedding vows on his desk and he didn't abide by that. I couldn't see how sending something like this would have mattered to two liars. I think the simple fact that I calmly told him to be with her and we would have an easy divorce made him not want to contact her. As far as I know, he didn't. That makes sense. I remember your story, he really tried to make it work after Dday, did you stay together? Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 For me, I couldn't see the logic in it. He had a framed copy of our wedding vows on his desk and he didn't abide by that. It's amazing how little that stuff mattered. During her A, my wife's Facebook page looked like a digital shrine paying homage to all of the positive traits of her loving husband and family. We had a lot of fun together, she proudly introduced me to lots of folks at her job at the company xmas party...all of it. Life was very normal and positive at the time. They really do live TWO separate lives. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 That makes sense. I remember your story, he really tried to make it work after Dday, did you stay together? I did give him a chance at reconciling but I honestly just had nothing to give to it. I needed to catch my breath from all that happened. We aren't divorced yet so who knows what the future holds. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Red123 Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 I did give him a chance at reconciling but I honestly just had nothing to give to it. I needed to catch my breath from all that happened. We aren't divorced yet so who knows what the future holds. That's fair. Being in these shoes is so confusing and painful. I wish the best in whatever path you do choose. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 That's fair. Being in these shoes is so confusing and painful. I wish the best in whatever path you do choose. DAMN THIS THREAD! it got me thinking, and then I asked my FWW something, and her answer.... well... let's just call it a setback. lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 For the BSs here, was there NC communication from your spouse to the AP? Did you see the NC communication from your spouse to the OW/MOW/OM/MOM? Did you help write it or read it before they sent it? Did they do it on their own or was it a condition of R? Thanks For me there would be no "no contact communication". If I don't want her contacting this guy, then I don't want her contacting him, period..even if she is just contacting him to say she can't contact him. See from my point of view: he doesn't deserve a final letter, because why the hell should this scum of another man deserve any type of closure? Likewise, the WS certainly doesn't deserve to provide any closure to him. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 For me there would be no "no contact communication". If I don't want her contacting this guy, then I don't want her contacting him, period..even if she is just contacting him to say she can't contact him. See from my point of view: he doesn't deserve a final letter, because why the hell should this scum of another man deserve any type of closure? Likewise, the WS certainly doesn't deserve to provide any closure to him. Mess with this process at your peril. If nothing else, I found that it gave ME closure to get on the phone with this a-hole and tell him personally that any future contact would result in him needing an orthodontist. Link to post Share on other sites
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