The No Contact letter(email,text)

[Spectre]

Mess with this process at your peril.

 

I see it like..the person has already cheated, if they can't do something as simple as NC there is no point in even trying to reconcile. They should be focused 100% on the person they betrayed, not the person they betrayed them for. In fact, if the mere thought of the OM doesn't fill them with disgust there is no point in forgiving their cheating and reconciling.

 

If nothing else, I found that it gave ME closure to get on the phone with this a-hole and tell him personally that any future contact would result in him needing an orthodontist.

 

Yeah, but at least that is YOU doing it. The cheater, on the other hand, should never be allowed to have any type of contact whatsoever with the OM. I guess I would say to her "you already banged him, you sure as hell don't get to say goodbye". It would be even worse if the cheater assumes it is their RIGHT to be able to send a final letter.

Edited January 14, 2015 by Spectre

[not_atypical]

For the BSs here, was there NC communication from your spouse to the AP? Did you see the NC communication from your spouse to the OW/MOW/OM/MOM? Did you help write it or read it before they sent it? Did they do it on their own or was it a condition of R? Thanks

 

Man I thought I was pretty savvy when it came to knowing what things like btw and lmao etc... meant. But I have run into quite a few on this site in particular that have resulted in googling them and even some of those have multiple meanings. This site needs a glossary of them. Like what does R mean relationship respect and wtf does ow/mow/om/mom mean? I assume BS means bull****. And to me AP means Access Point which is obviously wrong. I wish people would write the full version in parenthesis at least once during it's first use so people like myself can waste less time googling and trying to figure out what someone means when they shorten a word into a single letter

[Spectre]

Yeah it does need a glossary. Anyways, I can shed some light on a few things. R means reconciliation I think. OW=Other Woman, MOW=Married Other Woman, OM=Other Man, etc.

 

BS=betrayed spouse. WS=wayward spouse. AP, I think, means affair partner.

[Red123]

I see it like..the person has already cheated, if they can't do something as simple as NC there is no point in even trying to reconcile. They should be focused 100% on the person they betrayed, not the person they betrayed them for. In fact, if the mere thought of the OM doesn't fill them with disgust there is no point in forgiving their cheating and reconciling.

 

 

 

Yeah, but at least that is YOU doing it. The cheater, on the other hand, should never be allowed to have any type of contact whatsoever with the OM. I guess I would say to her "you already banged him, you sure as hell don't get to say goodbye". It would be even worse if the cheater assumes it is their RIGHT to be able to send a final letter.

 

The NC letter isn't intended to be a final goodbye in a romantic sense it is for clear boundaries going forward. Usually a WS has not said leave me alone at the point when it is written. It is supposed to let the AP know that they are working on their M and they expect to be left alone. We are all human and the WS had been so bad with boundaries that a clear message to the AP may be needed to end all contact. I'm curious, have you been a BS in the past or currently? The reason I ask is that you appear extremely black and white about affairs, a lot like I was before I experienced it myself.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I see it like..the person has already cheated, if they can't do something as simple as NC there is no point in even trying to reconcile. They should be focused 100% on the person they betrayed, not the person they betrayed them for. In fact, if the mere thought of the OM doesn't fill them with disgust there is no point in forgiving their cheating and reconciling.

 

Part of NC IS about focusing on the BS 100%. It's stating unequivocally that this other person has been told by THEM, that they want no further contact, and that any requests for further contact will not only be ignored, but shared with the BS.

 

Moreover, expecting your WS to instantly feel disgust for someone they were enamored with the day before is setting yourself up for failure, disappointment, or worse... more lies. You have to be realistic here. They aren't going to ever HATE the OP like you do, and certainly not Day 1. In fact, the FIRST step to any recovery here is accepting that the OP is a real person to whom our spouse was highly attracted. It's a hard pill, but not swallowing it is a dead end.

 

 

Yeah, but at least that is YOU doing it. The cheater, on the other hand, should never be allowed to have any type of contact whatsoever with the OM. I guess I would say to her "you already banged him, you sure as hell don't get to say goodbye". It would be even worse if the cheater assumes it is their RIGHT to be able to send a final letter.

 

Wait... have you even been through this? Because if you haven't, then I understand why you "think" you know what you would do. But in most cases, the NC letter is not a teary farewell or even a goodbye. It's a declaration that the affair is over, and that they are focusing 100% of their efforts on earning back their spouses respect. And better the OP hear it from THEM, because hearing it from YOU is meaningless.

[ladydesigner]

OMG in our case there were so many NC's. The first I basically forced WH to send a NC and it always has meant nothing since he has always started up the

A again with OW. In my view it doesn't achieve much unless the WH is TRULY in R and wanting to R with the BS.

[merrmeade]

For me there would be no "no contact communication". If I don't want her contacting this guy, then I don't want her contacting him, period..even if she is just contacting him to say she can't contact him.

 

See from my point of view: he doesn't deserve a final letter, because why the hell should this scum of another man deserve any type of closure? Likewise, the WS certainly doesn't deserve to provide any closure to him.

Huh? You don't get this? It is most definitely NOT for the benefit of the OW/M. There are certain steps in the process and roles with the NC letter that make it work. Like I explained already, we bumbled one supposed closure which involved my WH going somewhere without me to talk privately with OW and "end it." That was a huge mistake for all the reasons you just said. It was about them, not about me and just one more blow to my almost non-existent self-esteem.

 

But when we did do the NC letter, it was for MY benefit and it had to be him writing her so that she would believe it and do it. Yet I had the last word every step of the way. I sealed and mailed the envelope. She would have continued to flaunt my needs and requests with her own version of right, appropriate and necessary, and I would have been even more of a basket case than I was and am otherwise.

 

I'm not bragging or sharing this as some kind of example since everything else has been done badly and my H has to be coached every step of the way. The NC letter was for MY PROTECTION. Nothing more or less. It didn't fix the rest of our reconciliation, that's for sure, but at least I know that, as much as the OW worshipped and clung to every word and breath my H exuded, she will do what he asked her to do. And if she does try to break it, I have no doubt whatsoever about what he will do.

 

The only reason he would ever consider letting her back into his life (I think) might be if he and I didn't make it or things were so awful between us that he would think wtf difference does it make. And even then, I don't think he'd go to her for comfort or even pleasure; she'd have to make the first move. It was all so f--ked up, practically incestuous if you believe that they believed they're really "family." I do believe that he was genuinely disgusted with himself for the financial and emotional dependence she exacted and think he'd prefer boiling oil to hooking up again with his wife's brother's widow.

 

In other words, fear of her as a competitor is not the issue, and the reason for NC is no longer to stop an affair or prevent it from being resumed. It is simply that a crime was committed; victims, gravely and permanently injured and traumatized. To expect a victim later to normalize relations with the perpetrators of the crime dismisses the pain and suffering they caused, forcing new trauma and dishonor on the victim.