She needs a "break" to work on her career...

[PizzaMuffin]

And as far as the gift, why would she even send it in the first place? Especially one so personal.

[EmperorR]

Yeah, the situation isn't positive right now at all. Part of me wants to call her up and get closure, another part says leave it and don't call her ever, and the other part still has hope. I've had a bunch of women tell me about them taking a break for their relationship, and after a few months it helped them come back together even stronger. I've overanalyzed and over-thought every little detail since the break, and it's done nothing but harm me. Trying to move on, but dang it's been tough. Especially when everything changed so friggin' quick from a great relationship, to nothing.

 

Hope dies last and it will eat you alive.

 

Best to go NC live your life and try not to worry about things you can't control.

[PizzaMuffin]

Hope dies last and it will eat you alive.

 

I don't think any truer words have been spoken. Thank you.

 

Regarding the text she sent about paying me back, good idea/not good idea to respond to her? I really don't care about the money. I know she does though, since she feels obligated to pay me back. She's EXTREMELY independent and doesn't like owing money to anybody.

[Standard-Fare]

This is brutal. It's clear she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you now (or soon), but still wants to keep you hanging around in case she changes her mind in the future. That isn't fair to you and you shouldn't accept it, especially since this unsettling limbo status has been going on for, what, two months now?

 

I think it's time to demand some clarity. Ask her point-blank if the "break" has become a breakup. See if she has any intention of being in a real relationship with you in the forseeable future.

 

I honestly don't think this girl is full of malice... she just sounds selfish, flighty and unrealistic. But it's hurting you and putting you in a bad spot so you need to stand up for yourself. Be clear about what you want, and if she's not able to give that to you, have the strength to walk away.

 

Another important point: You need to assign her to someone else for her work stuff. It's completely inappropriate that you guys are dealing with each other in that manner. Also, read back through your stuff and realize that the majority of your interactions recently have been work-related emails. Try to imagine what your relationship would be like WITHOUT that connection.

[PizzaMuffin]

This is brutal. It's clear she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you now (or soon), but still wants to keep you hanging around in case she changes her mind in the future. That isn't fair to you and you shouldn't accept it, especially since this unsettling limbo status has been going on for, what, two months now?

 

I think it's time to demand some clarity. Ask her point-blank if the "break" has become a breakup. See if she has any intention of being in a real relationship with you in the forseeable future.

 

I honestly don't think this girl is full of malice... she just sounds selfish, flighty and unrealistic. But it's hurting you and putting you in a bad spot so you need to stand up for yourself. Be clear about what you want, and if she's not able to give that to you, have the strength to walk away.

 

Another important point: You need to assign her to someone else for her work stuff. It's completely inappropriate that you guys are dealing with each other in that manner. Also, read back through your stuff and realize that the majority of your interactions recently have been work-related emails. Try to imagine what your relationship would be like WITHOUT that connection.

 

You actually nailed her personality to a "T" She's very hippy like (but so am I in some ways) Someone recently told me "it sounds like she doesn't know what the hell she wants" but I look a that as she probably doesn't want me. She pleaded in our original break conversation that she did NOT want to break up, but it's kinda hard to think that she doesn't now.

 

And I agree, the work stuff I've been iffy about handing to someone else. I don't want to come off as weak if she starts getting auditions/sessions from somebody else, but I'd rather hand it off to someone so I can TRULY do NC with her.

 

But should I even respond to her text about the money she owes me?

[rester]

This is terrible to read. I once dated a woman for about six months before she disappeared over the course of two weeks. After daily communication for about five months, it became less and less and her texts were simply, "Sorry! been busy! Let's get together soon!" Crap like that. She wouldn't even talk to me so I could end it myself. It hurt like hell but what got me over her was realizing what a coward she was that she couldn't end it with me like an adult.

 

If at all possible, I would end this because she's not putting any effort into you at all and could care less about your feelings and seems to be only holding onto the "break" idea so she can use you and your mother for her career. I'd end any professional contact with her and ask my mother to do the same. I don't see how you're not angry with her yet. I don't think she necessarily has another man, but she's still toying with you.

[Standard-Fare]

Yeah, I think you need to be like: "I really think it's time we had an honest conversation about our status. This is important enough to me that I need to meet up with you in person soon and get some clarity. I hope you'll respect me enough to do that." And give her some times that you're available for that.

 

The underlying message being: "If you want to break up with me, you should actually break up with me."

 

My guess is that she'll find a million ways to avoid and delay this. But you should be pretty adamant. And if she can't bring herself to talk with you in person, you need to do this on Skype or on the phone.

 

Either way, the work connection should be severed. That isn't healthy for the two of you under any circumstances. It sounds so unbearably awkward.

[Chi townD]

Dude, she's trying to put you in the friend zone and you're dancing right into it!

[PizzaMuffin]

This is terrible to read. I once dated a woman for about six months before she disappeared over the course of two weeks. After daily communication for about five months, it became less and less and her texts were simply, "Sorry! been busy! Let's get together soon!" Crap like that. She wouldn't even talk to me so I could end it myself. It hurt like hell but what got me over her was realizing what a coward she was that she couldn't end it with me like an adult.

 

If at all possible, I would end this because she's not putting any effort into you at all and could care less about your feelings and seems to be only holding onto the "break" idea so she can use you and your mother for her career. I'd end any professional contact with her and ask my mother to do the same. I don't see how you're not angry with her yet. I don't think she necessarily has another man, but she's still toying with you.

 

Oh, I am angry. I guess the reason it hasn't come out is the wishful thinking that everything will subside and everything will be just fine, but the more it goes on the angrier I DO get.

 

As far as the severing of business ties, that probably can't happen with my mother since we've done very well to keep this very separate. However, it's no problem for me to pass off emails and bookings for her to another co-worker.

[PizzaMuffin]

Yeah, I think you need to be like: "I really think it's time we had an honest conversation about our status. This is important enough to me that I need to meet up with you in person soon and get some clarity. I hope you'll respect me enough to do that." And give her some times that you're available for that.

 

The underlying message being: "If you want to break up with me, you should actually break up with me."

 

My guess is that she'll find a million ways to avoid and delay this. But you should be pretty adamant. And if she can't bring herself to talk with you in person, you need to do this on Skype or on the phone.

 

Either way, the work connection should be severed. That isn't healthy for the two of you under any circumstances. It sounds so unbearably awkward.

 

Good call. The reason I've avoided the whole "We need to have a serious talk" conversation is the fear of putting pressure on her, and pushing her away further in hopes of reconciliation. We both ended the break conversation saying we're going to work it out. She told me "I don't want to break up! I don't want to break up!" so she could focus on her career, which I will admit...she's doing. She's been busting her butt trying to get back on track and get her finances in order. When we spoke almost a month ago, she was very hot/cold on the phone. We originally started talking business (I kept it casual and didn't bring up the relationship) and I asked how she was doing. Her response was "about the same" and she really missed me, but she needs to focus on her career to get her life back on track. There were a few other statements of hope (false hope, perhaps) but she said it was good to hear my voice and all that. It's things like that, that I read too much into. Maybe she DOES miss me, but to what extent? And how long could this really go on?

[Standard-Fare]

Here's a pretty basic question: Are you in love with her?

 

And regardless of your answer, this is the frank reality: It doesn't seem that she's in love with you. If she was, she wouldn't have a) texted your mom rather than you on New Year's, b) missed the opportunity to see you the last time you were in her area for work, c) rejected your most recent offer to meet in person, and d) COUNTLESS other things you've mentioned here.

 

She may like you, she may care for you, but she is not in love with you. Or let's even suspend reality and say that she IS. If that was the case, she's just too blind and selfish to appreciate that and she needs a swift reality check.

[Friskyone4u]

Pizza

 

I am sorry to say that you are most likely going to find out that this break has also included her being involved with other men. You better have the "talk" with her and get some truth .

I'm not optimistic that you will get good news

[PizzaMuffin]

Here's a pretty basic question: Are you in love with her?

 

And regardless of your answer, this is the frank reality: It doesn't seem that she's in love with you. If she was, she wouldn't have a) texted your mom rather than you on New Year's, b) missed the opportunity to see you the last time you were in her area for work, c) rejected your most recent offer to meet in person, and d) COUNTLESS other things you've mentioned here.

 

She may like you, she may care for you, but she is not in love with you. Or let's even suspend reality and say that she IS. If that was the case, she's just too blind and selfish to appreciate that and she needs a swift reality check.

 

In all honesty.....yes, I am in love with her. And I'm accepting the fact that she's more than likely fallen out of love with me.

 

It seems I've been looking for the answer as to why this happened, which I won't ever know unless I talk to her but that's been hard to accomplish. A few months before the break I started getting snappy every now and then, including the trip her and I went on a week and a half before the break. It took me awhile to figure out why I was being an ass, and the truth is because I was afraid I was losing her. It honestly didn't bother me that much if we were to break up at that point, but a few weeks after the break...WOW, I started to miss her something fierce. All in all, I feel like I want some kind of closure, or a straight answer. This has been especially tough since her and I have a long history.

 

All in all, I've kept my distance (aside from business), and have sought out ways to win her back, become attractive in her eyes again, etc. It all comes down to fear. I do fear moving on, and then all of a sudden she comes knockin' on my door wishing for a second chance. I realize it's a pipe dream, but hey that's all I got right now, ya know? It's the "what if's" What if she really did just need time to figure things out, and she comes back? The waiting game is the hardest part, which is why I'm trying desperately to move on or get some kind of closure.

[BlueIris]

In all honesty.....yes, I am in love with her. And I'm accepting the fact that she's more than likely fallen out of love with me.

 

It seems I've been looking for the answer as to why this happened, which I won't ever know unless I talk to her but that's been hard to accomplish. A few months before the break I started getting snappy every now and then, including the trip her and I went on a week and a half before the break. It took me awhile to figure out why I was being an ass, and the truth is because I was afraid I was losing her. It honestly didn't bother me that much if we were to break up at that point, but a few weeks after the break...WOW, I started to miss her something fierce. All in all, I feel like I want some kind of closure, or a straight answer. This has been especially tough since her and I have a long history.

 

All in all, I've kept my distance (aside from business), and have sought out ways to win her back, become attractive in her eyes again, etc. It all comes down to fear. I do fear moving on, and then all of a sudden she comes knockin' on my door wishing for a second chance. I realize it's a pipe dream, but hey that's all I got right now, ya know? It's the "what if's" What if she really did just need time to figure things out, and she comes back? The waiting game is the hardest part, which is why I'm trying desperately to move on or get some kind of closure.

 

Now for something completely different.

 

 

I see it differently I think. If you love her and claim that this is a relationship that you are or were willing to fight for, why don’t you? She has NOT said she doesn’t love you. This relationship began with her saying she’d been waiting for you to kiss her. She doesn't lead. She might not feel worthy or together enough. Anyway, fight for it and don’t put thoughts and feelings in her head for her. Maybe she’s doing the same about you? = Bad communication and communication is an absolute necessity in a relationship. Imagining what everything means and deciding what she’s thinking isn’t fair to either of you.

 

I tell ya, my current BF and I split up because neither of us took the step forward. We really liked each other but we each figured the other didn’t like us back because we were so tentative and cautious. Then my (now) BF did a courageous thing: he sent me a letter and then a message online saying that he really wanted to be with me and he was sorry he hadn’t made it clear. I called him, we had dinner the next night with hearts much more open and so much more warmth. We made a mistake but he pulled a win out for both of us. We’re very happy. (fingers crossed, wood knocked) But it was his guts in saying he realized he didn’t want it to end that flipped the switch. I’m so glad he did. SO glad. So, again, ask yourself, what do you have to lose? If she says no, you’re right where you are now. Also, I agree with your counselor.

 

Edited to add: Don't ask her, tell her how you feel and that you want to be with her. Tell her you want to find a way to make it work, to be together. Asking is pressure and a request of the other person to do or say what we won't ourselves. Just say it. Go to her. Anyway, just my opinion.

Edited January 21, 2015 by BlueIris

[EekArat]

First mistake, agreeing to a break with no specified time-limit.

 

Second mistake, not talking about the ground rules of what is allowable and what isn't.

 

 

 

 

 

Well, the first mistake could arguably be agreeing to a break in the first place.

 

 

I agree. I only skip read the huge OP text bulk.

 

If a girl asks for a 'break' without setting a time, you're screwed.

[EekArat]

Here's a pretty basic question: Are you in love with her?

 

And regardless of your answer, this is the frank reality: It doesn't seem that she's in love with you. If she was, she wouldn't have a) texted your mom rather than you on New Year's, b) missed the opportunity to see you the last time you were in her area for work, c) rejected your most recent offer to meet in person, and d) COUNTLESS other things you've mentioned here.

 

She may like you, she may care for you, but she is not in love with you. Or let's even suspend reality and say that she IS. If that was the case, she's just too blind and selfish to appreciate that and she needs a swift reality check.

 

 

This ....

 

I went through a break/space period with my GF just recently, and I've noticed striking differences between my break and yours, OP.

 

 

It doesn't look good for you.

[KatZee]

I've been on the receiving end of a break and the giving side of a break.

 

As the initiator of a break- I did not want to be with him but I felt bad just straight dumping him. (I was young- but still a crappy way to go about this) He hadn't really done anything particularly wrong, he put effort in, but I just wasn't feeling the relationship anymore. It had gotten very clingy and needy from his end. I suggested a break saying I needed space for a week. Because I never said, "I don't love you," or "I don't want to be with you anymore," he took this as hope and continued to fight for me. Eventually we fell back into a relationship and again it became too overbearing for me. Again I asked for a break and hoped I could just fade out and he'd take a hint. But every so often there would be a text from him, a phone call. Eventually I just had to come clean.

 

When I had a break happen to me, I got the same excuse of, "I need to work on my career...I can see us back together once it's all sorted." Reality? He met someone else and he had put me on the back burner. Took about two months but when he finally got in touch again he was a completely different person, he treated me like a piece of garbage and told me to have a nice life. The girl he met while with me was apparently now something "serious."

 

Either way? Breaks are nothing positive. It's almost always indicative of someone whose grown past the relationship and wants to ease their way out with as little drama possible.

 

Stop fighting for her. You can't fight for a person who doesn't want to be with you and who shows you such disinterest. You lose a little bit of your dignity every time you reach out.

 

NC. Entirely. No small talk, no playing "catch up"... It's a waste of time and it's also very transparent.

[Leigh 87]

As a woman, I am NEVER too stressed, broke, busy or sick to make things work with a man I WANT to be with.

 

I am an only child and I am selfish at times and I love alone time. I can go weeks.. months.. without seeing good friends.

 

When it comes to a man I am in love with and if I am still feeling the relationship, no way will I risk letting him slip away! How rude. She is basically telling you that hey, you are now floating about on your own and you are exposed to meeting other women and... it doesn't bother her enough to put her claim on you. Sorry but that is the way that it is.

 

I go into hibernation mode. I get stressed too. But yeah.. never do I want to be apart from a man I am crazy about. Even if I feel like "space", it is not space from the relationship; I would just request a week to myself to get a few things done, and you can bet I would still initiate texts, tell him I was thinking about him.... I'd tell him that I couldn't wait to see him next...I would set a date for when I was "done" with whatever it is I needed to do...

 

Women are simple. Men are simple. When they want something, they go and get it. If they don't want it badly enough, they don't.

 

She doesn't "have" you. This break bullcrap is not being "together". You are not with her.

 

She could have gone and "dealt with her issues" with you in the picture.

 

If she was with the right man she wouldn't pull this cr@p.

 

It sounds like you had a great thing going but she has outgrown the relationship. She probably doesn't have anyone else lined up. Or maybe she does? Either way, she is not making it known that YOU are the man she really wants in her life!

 

You can go and find this wonderful chemistry you speak of with someone else, she isn't the only woman you will feel this way about.

 

Sorry this is happening to you. Break ups are awful. Gather your self respect and set about moving on for good. Don't take someone back after they have already made the choice to let you go.

[kendahke]

I don't see how much more space she needs when she lives far enough away that you have to skype in order to see her. It's not like you're in her space every day. Also, if it's work related, I don't see how communicating is the problem.

 

That's the same thing the man I was in a LDR with earlier this year said--he needed to focus on his "local" issues despite his attraction to me. I just don't see how talking/texting/skyping stops him from doing what he needs to do, unless there is someone else who has entered into the picture that they want to pursue. And funny thing is that I see him on whatsapp all the time, so texting with friends clearly doesn't impede him from focusing on his "local" issues.

 

IMO there is no such thing as "a break". You're either together working on your relationship or you've broken up.

 

Neglect causes things to wither and die.

[kendahke]

She’s working with a new guy over the past few weeks, and of course the anxiety in me says she’s seeing him, but reality tells me she isn’t. I’ve known her for so long I really don’t think she’d see someone else unless she ended our relationship completely.

 

O_o

 

She has ended your relationship.

 

Someone who truly cares about you gets in contact with you on Christmas. Hell, my ex, who I haven't been with for 5 years, called me on Christmas and my birthday, which is a couple of days after Christmas, and NYE. The guy I was in the LDR with didn't.

 

That was messed up for her to text your mother but not you. Of course she knew your mother would tell you she'd heard from her. That doesn't speak of someone who is interested in getting back together.

[Zapbasket]

Yeah, the situation isn't positive right now at all. Part of me wants to call her up and get closure, another part says leave it and don't call her ever, and the other part still has hope. I've had a bunch of women tell me about them taking a break for their relationship, and after a few months it helped them come back together even stronger. I've overanalyzed and over-thought every little detail since the break, and it's done nothing but harm me. Trying to move on, but dang it's been tough. Especially when everything changed so friggin' quick from a great relationship, to nothing.

 

I'm going to differ from some others' opinions regarding your situation: I don't think she's knowingly trying to pull one over on you. I think she honestly feels driven to focus on her career, and in her mind and heart it's not a "selfish" thing to do. I have a background in the performing arts, and from experience I know that the drive of a performing artist is very much based on perfectionism, and a sense of not being "realized" as a person if one is not highly successful as an artist. There's a sense that you're not "good enough"--as a person, a friend, a partner, a daughter/son, etc.--if you are not at the top of your field as an artist. Your performer self literally can take over your "real" self, such that it's inconceivable that you could just be lovable for YOU, separate from your artistic achievements. And so in a weird sense, it can feel for the artist like an act of love towards the people in their life to focus on striving to reach the top of their field.

 

I'm not saying this is necessarily how your girlfriend thinks, but it's likely; I recognized it in myself and all my fellow performing artist friends. In her own way, I suspect it's very possible she is being 100% true to you. She very well might think that once she gets fully established in her career, that will make her a "better" partner for you, and so therefore in her mind the only way she can take your relationship to its fullest potential is if she achieves the artistic success she dreams of.

 

It sounds like strange thinking to non-performing-artist types, but this is very normal for artists and anyone who has a kind of unusual passion for and personal identification with the work they do. It's neither right nor wrong, but it is definitely a "type" and it forms a certain kind of lifestyle, one where work is not simply a job, but a calling and personal necessity. You have to ask yourself whether this is the kind of life you want to live; with a person like your girlfriend, her career is always going to be as if not more important than your relationship. Some people have an epiphany along the way that all these career attainments don't mean nearly as much as relationships and the simple pleasures of life, but some people never have such an epiphany and it's impossible to tell which way your girlfriend will go. The question is: do you want to wait for what could be a very long time to find out?

 

I think you need to sit her down and have a very serious conversation with her, about your relationship expectations, and hers. The goal would be to eliminate some of the limbo so that you can have peace of mind. You have every right to ask for that and she has every right to expect that if you are unhappy with the arrangement, you will let her know, with trust, kindness and respect.

[PizzaMuffin]

I'm going to differ from some others' opinions regarding your situation: I don't think she's knowingly trying to pull one over on you. I think she honestly feels driven to focus on her career, and in her mind and heart it's not a "selfish" thing to do. I have a background in the performing arts, and from experience I know that the drive of a performing artist is very much based on perfectionism, and a sense of not being "realized" as a person if one is not highly successful as an artist. There's a sense that you're not "good enough"--as a person, a friend, a partner, a daughter/son, etc.--if you are not at the top of your field as an artist. Your performer self literally can take over your "real" self, such that it's inconceivable that you could just be lovable for YOU, separate from your artistic achievements. And so in a weird sense, it can feel for the artist like an act of love towards the people in their life to focus on striving to reach the top of their field.

 

I'm not saying this is necessarily how your girlfriend thinks, but it's likely; I recognized it in myself and all my fellow performing artist friends. In her own way, I suspect it's very possible she is being 100% true to you. She very well might think that once she gets fully established in her career, that will make her a "better" partner for you, and so therefore in her mind the only way she can take your relationship to its fullest potential is if she achieves the artistic success she dreams of.

 

It sounds like strange thinking to non-performing-artist types, but this is very normal for artists and anyone who has a kind of unusual passion for and personal identification with the work they do. It's neither right nor wrong, but it is definitely a "type" and it forms a certain kind of lifestyle, one where work is not simply a job, but a calling and personal necessity. You have to ask yourself whether this is the kind of life you want to live; with a person like your girlfriend, her career is always going to be as if not more important than your relationship. Some people have an epiphany along the way that all these career attainments don't mean nearly as much as relationships and the simple pleasures of life, but some people never have such an epiphany and it's impossible to tell which way your girlfriend will go. The question is: do you want to wait for what could be a very long time to find out?

 

I think you need to sit her down and have a very serious conversation with her, about your relationship expectations, and hers. The goal would be to eliminate some of the limbo so that you can have peace of mind. You have every right to ask for that and she has every right to expect that if you are unhappy with the arrangement, you will let her know, with trust, kindness and respect.

 

Thank you for your insight, GreenCove. I do appreciate hearing from someone who is familiar in the business.

 

I can see your points completely. Right now, I'm just trying to convince myself the relationship is over so I can a) move on, and b) if some chance in hell she DOES come back, I'll at least be confident enough in myself to handle it appropriately.

 

She was stressed out about her career while her and I were still together. Before the break, she'd call me when she was off work, crying about how she hates her job (Bartender) and just wants to pursue acting full time and she doesn't know what she can do to get there. She's normally not a stressed out person, so this was very new to me. Her career has ALWAYS come first. ALWAYS. She's made mention to me several times, and said that's why she never dates or has any relationships. She just couldn't have the distraction. Of course, I felt like I was the the one-in-a-million because she chose to be with me and we had an amazing relationship and made it work. What I'm getting at now is that she's hyper-focused on her career and she's doing better off with out me, which is probably what she needs. She was the first to say she missed me, and wished I was there without me bringing up the relationship on our last conversation, but I can only take so much of that with a grain of salt.

 

I doubt she knows the pain I've been going through. I've done everything in my power to not come across as needy/clingy, might have slipped once or twice, but I went back into NC to give her space. All in all, I think user lil hoodlum said it best, that I've been "demoted down to the bottom of her priority list" which I think is very true.

 

The thing is, I WANT her to succeed in her career. She's worked hard to get where she's at, and I want her to thrive and excel in whatever she does. With, or without me. That's probably why I agreed to the break in the first place. I just wanted to see her succeed.

[kendahke]

That is all well and good, but the texting your mom and not you on Christmas day, knowing that your mom is going to say something to you, is really sketchy behavior. It was mean. I mean, how do you defend doing that? What can she say to you about doing that that isn't going to insult your intelligence, the relationship's esteem or your feelings for her? Apparently, she's not so busy that she can't put out texts to friends and business associates, but it's too much to extend one to the man to whom she said "I don't want to break up" ?

 

She knew she was in a demanding occupation before she agreed to be with you. She knew she was in a demanding occupation when she said "I don't want to break up", but the thing is this: she's behaving as if she's broken up with you. You are in a worse place than being friend-zoned. You're on ignore, basically.

 

If you want her to succeed, then keep your feelings to yourself and cut her loose to realize her goals. She is not going to be the girl you make a life with. Despite what she is saying, she's moving at sonic speed away from a relationship with you. I would say differently if you two lived in the same town and you were all up in her space 24/7, but she's already got physical space from you. How demanding are you being that even in spite of the physical space that is present, she also needs you out of her head and heart?

[Holmes85]

She “want’s to see if we can take a break”

 

Hi all. This is my first post. I’ve been going through something for around a month, and looking for some solid advice. Sorry in advance for the long read. I try to be as detailed as possible.

 

Around a month and a half ago, my girlfriend and I are Skyping. We live a few hours from eachother so we don’t get to see eachother as often as we’d like, BUT still quite a bit. We both were catching up on our days and then she says “I need to ask you something. Do…you think we could take a break for a bit?” She then breaks down in tears and tells me she’s been stressed with her career not going where it’s going, and she doesn’t know what to do. She’s working multiple jobs, car keeps breaking down, and she’s barely had any money to support herself. She stops and tells me VERY clearly “I don’t want to break up! I don’t want to break up! I just need to get myself straight” I agree with her tell her whatever she needs to get back on her feet. Honestly, I thought the break could do us good since we’ve both been stressed out so much lately. We went over a few of our problems we’ve had, nothing too major (at least I hope) I’ve been terrible at telling her how I feel and being up front with her. I’m not a very confrontational guy, but she knows I’m crazy about her. We end the call on a VERY good note, telling eachother “I love you with all my heart” and then texted eachother pictures of us together after the phone call.

 

A bit of background on us. We’re both the same age, 32. We met 10 years ago (my Mother was actually trying to set us up) but it didn’t pan out because we were both so busy but we remained casual friends. She’s an actress and my mother is actually her talent agent She moved away for several years, I ended up traveling the US for a few years but we said hello every now and then. Flash forward to last year. She moved back to the same state as I, about 2 ½ hours away and comes to the same city I’m located in fairly often, where her parents also live. We start hanging out, having dinner and drinks, nothing serious and it was just a friendly kind of thing. A few months later we go out when she gets back from an out of state project she’s been working on. We have drinks, laugh, and start dancing. I go for it and kiss her. It’s exactly what I was waiting for, and she even said “I’ve been waiting for that for so long” So we proceed to date. We travel back and forth to see eachother and actually get to spend TONS of time together. We go hiking, see live music, nights watching Netflix, etc. We went on a trip to Colorado together a few months later and traveled around for about a week. I rented us a cabin in the middle of nowhere, and it was amazing. It was the first time I told her I loved her. We had an amazing trip together, and proceed to have many more months of happiness. I’m the first serious relationship she’s had in over 10 years. She only dated on and off since that point, but nothing serious. I’m the first guy she’s told she loved in a LONG time. The past few months had a few conflicts, mainly on my part. We both got busy, and I got kinda snappy a few times mainly because we didn’t get to see each other as much. We worked it out though. We went to Portland on another amazing trip and had a blast. There was a very minor argument, or more of a discussion really because I felt like we hadn’t been as close (i.e. no sex, felt like she wasn’t as romantic as myself) We got back from Portland and everything was doing fine. I came down to see her while I was playing a live show on the following weekend. Her car had broken down, and I had to fix it while I was there. I also loaned her some money to help pay for her acting classes so she wouldn’t fall behind. She was beyond grateful for everything I had done and had to rush out the door for a shoot a few hours away she was already running late for.

 

A few days later is when we had the “Take a break” conversation I had mentioned earlier. I did No Contact thinking it would help her focus on what she needs to take care of. A few weeks later (which was a few days before Thanksgiving) I sent her a text with a pic of us that said “I know you’re busy, I just wanted to tell you I love you and miss you” I didn’t hear back from her until the next day, but she said “I love and miss you. This def isn’t easy, but I need to figure some things out and get back on my feet. I miss you” I realize sending the text was a BIG mistake on my part. Should have kept no contact. A few days later it was Thanksgiving and she wishes me a happy thanksgiving via text. The problem we have is I still have to have some sort of contact with her since I work for the talent agency that represents her, so I have to submit her for auditions and what not. She would always send me back emails saying “Here’s my audition! Let me know you got it okay. Hope you’re having a great day☺ “ I had to take a trip down to her area a week and a half later and she sent me a text saying “I have a shoot tonight, other wise I’d totally be there! Hope you kick some ass!” I send back a brief thanks response, and tell her I hope her shoot goes well. We have a few back and forth emails, ALL business related after that. A few weeks ago, it hits me that I don’t know where her and I stand. I start seeing less of her “likes” on my stupid Facebook post. My anxiety kicks in, and I’m afraid I’m going to lose her. I send her a text last week with “Hey you. I was just backing up some pictures and came across one of you skiing and it made me think of you ☺ You been doing okay?” I don’t hear back from her. The next day she has an audition due and emails me, and then immediately text me with “Sorry! I didn’t see this text! That was so much fun! (the skiing pic) Hope you’re doing well and happy holidays ☺” I try calling her to resolve a problem with the recording she sent me, and it goes to voicemail. She text me back “Sorry didn’t hear my phone ring! Did the audition come through okay?” I ask her to call me and she does. It’s the first time I’ve spoken with her since the “take a break” conversation. We talk business at first, and then I ask her if she’s doing okay. She says “About the same. It’s been hard. I really miss you, but I think it’s good we’re doing our own thing until we can get back to it” I agree and tell her about the good opportunities I’ve had come my way, and she tells me about hers. I hear her dog in the background and tell her I miss that little goober. She responds with “He misses you. He wishes you were here…” The conversation was casual, and she said she missed me again. I said I would like to talk more in the future soon and she agrees. It felt slightly awkward since we haven’t spoken in awhile, but it was still nice to hear her voice. I text her afterwards saying “It was great hearing your voice. Thanks for chatting for a bit. Sending good vibes your way and glad to hear good things are coming to you!” She sends me back the same kind of text. Lots of smiles and a few hearts and what not. I cut off contact again. This conversation was on the 23rd, so just a few days before Christmas. Christmas comes around, and my Mother receives a Merry Xmas text from her. I receive nothing. I text her later with “Merry Christmas to you and your family” and she sends me back “Merry Christmas to you and yours” with a little tree and flower emoticon. I was devastated when my mother heard from her, yet I had not. What’s making this more difficult is New Years day will be our one year anniversary. I’m heartbroken that I can’t see her. I don’t know what’s going on, and the only thing I know to do is to start No Contact again. This is the first relationship that I’ve actually given a damn about working things out with, no matter the problems. I honestly could see her and I spending our lives together, and going on many more adventures but my hope is fading and I’m in a bit of denial I’m sure. Is this break just a break? Does she want to work things out? She’s working with a new guy over the past few weeks, and of course the anxiety in me says she’s seeing him, but reality tells me she isn’t. I’ve known her for so long I really don’t think she’d see someone else unless she ended our relationship completely. Is she worried about the money she owes me? She is EXTREMELY career driven, which is why she hasn’t had many relationships. She had been talking about moving to Los Angeles to pursue her career. We had actually spoken about it before and told her when that time comes I would of course see myself there with her.

 

So here I am today. Riddled with stress, heartache, and uncertainty. I have no idea what she wants from me. I don’t even think she knows what she wants. I’m overthinking and obsessing about a ton of this, and I know I shouldn’t. Overall, I just need some good advice on how to go forward. I’m starting no contact again, started working out, and am turning my life for the better. I just want her to be by my side again going forward.

 

Any help, advice, ANYTHING you have is highly appreciated. Thank you all.

(PS….sorry I’m being such a whiny b**tch)

 

 

PizzaMuffin,

 

When someone says they need to have a "break" in the relationship, 97% of the times they are interested in pursuing someone else, at this point you are an "option" to them and not a priority.

 

All these breaking down into tears, not knowing what she wants, stressing, jobs, career.....they are all B.S excuses used by someone who is emotionally cheating on you. Think about it, she didn't had a problem with those before, why is she having second thoughts about it now?

 

Let me tell you what's going to happen during this "break", she is going to persue her new romantic interest and try to solidify her relationship with him, she will keep you on the hook, till she gets the green signal from him, once that happens, she is going to say something along these lines :

 

- I want you just as a friend in my life

 

- My feelings have changed

 

- Who knows in the future we might get together, but I think we should just move on

 

- I hope you find someone who loves you back the same way as you do

 

- I don't think we should talk with each other anymore

 

And after all that she's gonna give you a proper boot.

 

Imagine that you two are married, when she's having problems with her career, stressed about her job etc ....would she be asking to take a break from a marriage then too?

 

Want my honest opinion? Cut her off completely, let her persue her new love interest, let her do what she wants, let her try out the greener pastures, everything looks shiny from afar, but once you get closer the reality sets in.

 

You take this time and start getting your sef esteem back, work on yourself and make yourself better, nobody is perfect and there's always room for more improvement, catch up with your hobbies or make new ones, let this girl ride this roller coaster alone, you don't need to be a part of it. Her train is on full speed ahead and with no breaks, the only thing that's gonna stop it is a brickwall ahead (that she can't see right now, but she will eventually), by the time this happens, I am sure you would have moved on to bigger and better things in life and might also have attracted a partner who loves you with all there heart and doesn't need any "breaks".

[Zapbasket]

 

The thing is, I WANT her to succeed in her career. She's worked hard to get where she's at, and I want her to thrive and excel in whatever she does. With, or without me. That's probably why I agreed to the break in the first place. I just wanted to see her succeed.

 

That sentiment is clear from your thread. Now what you need to ask yourself is, what do you want for YOU? What kind of relationship do you want to be in? How do you want to feel when you are in a relationship? Understand, of course, that even in the best of relationships, you aren't going to be Number One all the time. Life happens, and sometimes people need to focus on their careers, or on taking care of sick family members or young children or their own spiritual life or on building friendships, etc. etc. etc. But I suspect you recognize this; I don't get a needy or demanding vibe from you. It's just that relationships, especially romantic partnerships, require constant attention to thrive, and your partner doesn't want to give ANY attention to your relationship.

 

It's very possible she doesn't recognize what she is doing. I was in her shoes once, and my boyfriend at the time resorted to passive-aggressive tactics rather than just confronting me with what he needed and wanted from the relationship. Had he done so, because I loved him, I would have made the necessary adjustments so that both our needs could be met. But he didn't, and I had no idea how angry he had become until it was too late. I see my mistake, and his, too: he should have told me what he was feeling.

 

And in your situation, you must tell her what you need. If she can't meet you half way, then you need to break up. And if you break up, you must sever the business relationship, for your own well-being.