Just as I was about to issue the untimatum, she found out

[madam_bovary]

Hi everyone

 

This is my first time posting here. Earlier today I was trying to work out how I could issue some sort of time frame on my affair and I found myself reading the posts here. I found the advice really helpful, and was feeling ready to tell my MM (who is not actually married, but with two children and a 20 year relationship the difference feels a bit conjectural) that I wasn't able to be the person on the side any more. I do want to be with him, but I know myself and don't feel able to take the loneliness that inevitably comes with being the 'other woman', and wanted him to decide if he wanted me or not.

 

No pretence, we've been friends and colleagues for a while - I was engaged, but ended it as I realised I wanted to end up with someone I felt more for than a sort of brotherly love (we were childhood sweethearts and it had ended up purely platonic). I put myself in a situation to be free to do what I wanted, but the person I ended up with wasn't. I didn't instigate it, and did question whether it was really what he wanted, but all the same I feel terrible now, as I know I should. My parents went through the same thing, and I have a good inkling of how his partner/children will be feeling. It's not good. All I can say is that I really love this man.

 

This evening I had an email from his partner, letting me know that she had found out about out affair. I don't know what to do.

 

So far I have just acknowledged that I've received their emails (my partner emailed to let me know that he was talking it through with her). I guess I have to just leave it there, and let him come back to me if he wants to. It's so hard when I feel incredibly strongly for him, part of me wants to fight.

 

I'm sure most of us OW will say this, but he has told me there's nothing between them except those big things - property and children. We work together a lot, and I've actually lived with him for a couple of months. His wife (partner, not actually married not that this really matters) never calls him except if the boiler has broken or the guinea pig is dead etc. Never ever. But does that really matter? Should I stand aside completely even though I love him? Or should I fight? Any advice would be appreciated.

[jellybean89]

Fight for what? To continue to be the OW, which you said you had no desire to continue being?

 

if his life with her is so empty, why does he stay? I am guessing the normal excuse of "the kids" or "finances" or something else that really is workable. Millions of fathers are divorced or no longer with the baby mama. Many times the father has a better relationship with his kids when he has to be responsible for them during his parenting time (as opposed to letting the mother do all the work with raising kids).

 

His wife (partner, not actually married not that this really matters) never calls him except if the boiler has broken or the guinea pig is dead etc. Never ever.

 

unless you are/were tethered to him 24/7, you really do not know if he was/is in contact with her.

 

Totally up to you if you want to continue to be in a relationship with someone who is already in a relationship. If you are content with the limited time & contact, then continue. If you want more from him, I think you will be disappointed. If you want a 'normal' relationship, then being with him isn't going to get you that.

 

He will probably be back once he placates his partner. But the affair will have to go even further underground. Naturally, she will not trust him (as she shouldn't) but if he is unhappy, this is his time to leave. This is his time to make himself happy. how he handles this will tell you where his heart lies.

[Trimmer]

I'm sure most of us OW will say this, but he has told me there's nothing between them except those big things - property and children. We work together a lot, and I've actually lived with him for a couple of months. His wife (partner, not actually married not that this really matters) never calls him except if the boiler has broken or the guinea pig is dead etc. Never ever. But does that really matter? Should I stand aside completely even though I love him? Or should I fight? Any advice would be appreciated.

I agree with jellybean, above. What is the fight you would have?

 

It seems to depend on him: does he want to continue things as they are, keeping his BS as his partner, if only in name, and seeing you on the side, or is he willing and able to end that relationship to be with you? You don't really have standing in that decision, if that's what you are thinking of "fighting" about. Are you thinking you would "fight" to convince him to swing the decision one way or the other?

 

It seems the first and most important thing you need is for him to make his decision, and I would suggest that you want to consider carefully whether you want to be a strong influence in that decision (i.e. whether you "fight" to convince him to leave.)

 

Now once he has made that decision, then the decision matrix branches out:

 

If he chooses to stay with her and end his relationship with you: you have no action available except to move on and heal. (Unless you still want to "fight" which becomes a pathology at that point, as you are actively working against his decision...)

 

If he chooses to stay and offers to continue his relationship with you: you have a choice whether you are willing to continue to be the OW or not. No fight required.

 

If he chooses to leave and be with you: you have a choice whether to continue the relationship with him. Again, no fight required.

[goodyblue]

Fight for what? To continue to be the OW, which you said you had no desire to continue being?

 

if his life with her is so empty, why does he stay? I am guessing the normal excuse of "the kids" or "finances" or something else that really is workable. Millions of fathers are divorced or no longer with the baby mama. Many times the father has a better relationship with his kids when he has to be responsible for them during his parenting time (as opposed to letting the mother do all the work with raising kids).

 

 

 

unless you are/were tethered to him 24/7, you really do not know if he was/is in contact with her.

 

Totally up to you if you want to continue to be in a relationship with someone who is already in a relationship. If you are content with the limited time & contact, then continue. If you want more from him, I think you will be disappointed. If you want a 'normal' relationship, then being with him isn't going to get you that.

 

He will probably be back once he placates his partner. But the affair will have to go even further underground. Naturally, she will not trust him (as she shouldn't) but if he is unhappy, this is his time to leave. This is his time to make himself happy. how he handles this will tell you where his heart lies.

 

When someone asks why someone stays in an unhappy marriage I am always surprised. Have you looked around? Go to a mall and spit, 50/50 it will land on someone in an unhappy marriage.

 

Should they leave? Probably. Fear holds a lot of people in situations they hate. 'Better the Devil you know than the Devil you don't' and all that.

 

People, esp. ones in ltr's tend to be afraid to change things. It just is not so cut and dried, I am afraid.

[still_an_Angel]

He has his reasons why he stays, and you have your reasons why you want to move on. If you are really ready to go, why do you want to 'fight' for him? It seems its not just him who needs to make a decision, you need to decide what's best for you too.

 

 

The 'battle' already leans in her favour, they have a shared history, kids, property, assets, etc. etc. but he chose to have an A with you, so be confident of the aces you hold in your hand. But be ready and hold your head high that he's probably going to stay, after all, he has stayed all these years.

I really wish you all the best either way, not a lot of OWs end up with the MM (or ltr partner in your case)

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Look, the fact that he isn't married and apparently living separately (at least some of the time?) speaks volumes. Though unfortunately, none of it in your favor.

 

There are hundreds of threads on this site alone about men who have left everything to be with the OW so it's not at all impossible or unheard of. In your case? What really have you to fight for? More of the same? He's made his feeling clear by his decided inaction. Why keep yourself there when you're this close to your freedom?

[Ruffian1]

Even though they are not formally married, most all states recognize common law marriages. It only takes a few years of living together. And they have kids. They will have to go through a divorce just like a married couple.

 

 

Now that he has been caught, she may ask him to leave.

 

 

You may get him by default.

[Broom]

Even though they are not formally married, most all states recognize common law marriages. It only takes a few years of living together. And they have kids. They will have to go through a divorce just like a married couple.

 

 

Now that he has been caught, she may ask him to leave.

 

 

You may get him by default.

 

And getting him by default is a HORRIBLE feeling. He's only going to come to you when all other options are exhausted.

 

And trust that he will still be in contact and screwing her on the side, which is the same way he did you.

 

You really don't want or need any parts of him.