Is it silly that what my father said upset me?

[Lovely Difficulties]

I am home visiting my family for the holidays, as I currently several hours away (have for the past year). I am out of college and obtained a full-time job elsewhere, but have been able to visit a few times this year. I have a younger sister by 5-years, who I feel is my parents' favorite. She is in college, but I feel that my parents act more proud of her than me and are more involved in her than they were me. However, I realize that I could be overly sensitive since I live far away and she is close. When I was her age, I felt neglected a lot because they were so wrapped up in her, and it felt like I was just the daughter far away. I never suffered, but I do feel they do more for her both financially and emotionally, and they visit her more. I recognize it's easier to visit her though, and I do sometimes feel isolated so far away even though I've developed my own friendships now. My feelings used to get easily hurt over it, but I have since matured and now I just tell myself to not read so much into things.

 

A family friend just had their second child, and their family is going to visit. I made a comment to my parents how it's so nice that their family is going to visit, and my Dad reacted by saying that when my sister has children, it's expected that I'll be there too. I just thought that was an odd thing to say since I'm 5-years older than her and am the one that lives out of state. It seems that he should've said that when I have kids, they'll come see me too.

 

I brushed it off, but I couldn't help but feel a little peeved. However, I could've taken it the wrong way or he may not have thought before he said anything. Is it silly to be upset by that?

 

Additionally, I am far away from family sometimes feel lonely where I am at. I'm contemplating if it would make sense to relocate back closer.

[hoping2heal]

I think that however he meant it; is the least of the issues.

 

Have you tried telling your parents how you have been feeling left out by them?

[Lovely Difficulties]

I actually don't tell my parents how I feel anymore. When I used to tell them, they would get quite defensive feeling that I took things too personally. I think growing up, I always needed to be constantly reassured about things. I wish this feeling would go away, but I often feel a sting even my mother posts something about my sister on Facebook. I never used to feel this way until I went away to college, which was years ago now. I think I'll probably feel this way even as my sister finishes college and establishes herself. I know that's no way to live and I wish I didn't feel this way. I sort of feel like there's an awkward age gap between us. I care about my sister myself and we have a good relationship, so I wish I didn't feel this way with my parents and always constantly comparing what they do for her and what they did for me.

Edited December 30, 2014 by sassiechik21

[jellybean89]

All you can do is control you -- control the way you react, the way you interact and make decisions based on YOU.

 

If you think moving back to be closer to them will help your relationship...that's not necessarily what will happen. If you have made a life for yourself, a job for yourself and friends for yourself, do you really want to give that up to be physically closer to people who you feel criticize you more, don't pay you enough attention, etc?

 

Really think about it and make a decision based on what is BEST FOR YOU.

 

What your dad said -- could take it either way. I wouldn't waste too much time being upset about it. Could also be that your parents don't feel the need to worry over you because you have proven you can survive on your own; where as they don't have that confidence in your sister.

[Lovely Difficulties]

Thank you, appreciate the insight you provided. I'm not sure that moving back closer would help my relationship with them necessarily. I think it would be more comforting for me knowing that they were near me. I think in some ways, I'm hypersensitive about things given I am far away, and I'm also not as established as I wish I was. I think they do love both of us, but we are both different individuals and in different stages of life. I have a good relationship with my sister as well. I wish I didn't feel any element of envy or a comparison didn't even cross my mind.

 

Part of it is that I never really established/built a life for myself, so perhaps don't feel satisfied with where I'm at in my life currently. I'm almost 27, and I envisioned myself being more stable. Some of my friends already have a house and children. I moved two hours away for college and graduate school, but didn't stay in that area nor had a desire to. Although I made it through and did well, I was often lonely and homesick there, which resulted in me getting into unhealthy relationships. I definitely didn't feel that I had any roots where I went to college. I experienced another city for an internship but didn't stay long-term because I didn't obtain full-time employment, and I have been living where I'm at currently for just over a year now. It takes me about 6-hours to get home. I moved here for a full-time job in my field, and I have made friendships here, but don't have anything else tying me where I'm at. At least no personal ties and no relationship, and I do feel lonely at times. In some ways, I feel I could build a life for myself closer to my parents, as at this stage I certainly wouldn't move back in with them but build an adult life closer.

 

I recognize building an adult life is important and in fact when I visit them, I feel myself take a step back towards childhood instead of continue to grow as an adult. Overall, I wish I didn't feel any envy about their relationship with my sister given she is so much younger than me.

[preraph]

I don't care what anybody says, parents have their favorites. And even if they consider their love equal, they always have one that gets away with things the others can't. In my situation, I have one sibling, and she is the one who treated my mom the worst, but because of that my mom was always basically sucking up to her trying to get her approval and the two of them would even gang up together against me for sport and bond that way. I did talk frankly to my mom about it on more than one occasion as an adult and just let her know I knew exactly what was going on and that I didn't like that it was usually at my expense. But she never stopped. She would go so far as in front of company on a holiday dinner, blame me for something my sister did years ago. Something I had nothing to do with, a completely separate matter. Attributed it to me. I don't know if she really believed it or just wanted to tell the story but didn't want to piss off my sister, but I let them both have it that time and made sure everyone at the table knew the truth.

 

Later in life, having failed to be able to completely stop it and knowing my sister really hated to be stuck talking to my mother for long, once it started I began retiring to the guest room "for a nap" or went to walk the dog and just forced those two to have to be face to face without me to gang up on. It usually got quiet pretty quick.

[Satu]

Families are very rigid structures that are very resistant to change. People get allotted roles that they don't want, and there are power imbalances that aren't usually acknowledged. There is not one drop of equality in most families.

 

I decided to be emotionally independent at a young age, and it's the best decision I ever made.

 

They can do or think whatever they like, and my needs get met elsewhere.