Inflikted Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 I met the girl of my dreams a few years ago, but unfortunately, she didn't like me at all. I've really never dated even before that, because I just don't really like very many people. But now more than ever, I just can't completely "let go" of the girl I knew a while back. I just feel like I'm searching for "second best" now. But I feel like I should be okay with that. No one will ever top the girl from a few years ago. I HAVE to get used to the idea of being okay with someone I don't like as much, because that's the only way I'll ever be with someone. So why is it so hard to actually get myself to accept that? Link to post Share on other sites
toscaroscura Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 How old are you? You say she didn't like you at all. This suggests to me that you really didn't get the chance to know her that well. What you're in love with in a ghost of a fantasy that you've built in your own head, and not real. If you are young, rest assured there are people just as awesome as she apparently seemed, if not more so. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
missliss908 Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 Stop putting this girl on a pedestal. No one is perfect. Like the above poster said, you're in love with a fantasy version of her, which happens when you have a crush on someone. But you need to let it go. Why bother with someone who doesn't like you at all? Keep talking to people and being social, and the right person will find you. Someone who has all the qualities you liked in the girl, but someone who actually likes and appreciates you. Best of luck! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Danda Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 I strongly suspect that if you explained us to why she was the "girl of your dreams" it would become blatantly apparent (hopefully to you) that there are millions of other women who have the same qualities. Maybe give it a shot? When I was a teenager I had the hugest crush on this guy. He seemed 'perfect'. Why? Because I liked his face, we liked the same type of music and he was funny to me. Today if that's all it took I'd be in love with like 50 people right now. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inflikted Posted December 30, 2014 Author Share Posted December 30, 2014 How old are you? You say she didn't like you at all. This suggests to me that you really didn't get the chance to know her that well. What you're in love with in a ghost of a fantasy that you've built in your own head, and not real. If you are young, rest assured there are people just as awesome as she apparently seemed, if not more so. I'm 26. I actually did get a chance to know her very well. Before I ever asked her out, she really seemed to enjoy talking to me and getting to know me. Then I asked her out, she said no, and started pulling away from me, and because I tried to hold on to some friendship with her, I pushed her away further, and she began disliking me for that. I strongly suspect that if you explained us to why she was the "girl of your dreams" it would become blatantly apparent (hopefully to you) that there are millions of other women who have the same qualities. Maybe give it a shot? When I was a teenager I had the hugest crush on this guy. He seemed 'perfect'. Why? Because I liked his face, we liked the same type of music and he was funny to me. Today if that's all it took I'd be in love with like 50 people right now. Well, see, the thing is, I'm very... weird, when it comes to people. I really don't like people at all (not that I specifically dislike people, I'm just indifferent to them), nor do I care about them. But I don't like being this way, and I WANT to like people and care about them. I just don't. Through getting to know this girl, I found that she and I had very similar personalities, and were very like-minded as far as the way we saw the world, the things we wanted out of life, etc. I didn't say I believe she was "perfect"; yes, everyone has flaws, I understand that. But she had the exact personality I've always wanted in a partner. I've always seen me as a sort of pariah, someone who doesn't really fit in well with most people, someone who's odd or just too different from most people to really be able to connect with them. When I was around her, I didn't feel like that. I felt like I finally "fit in" with someone, like I actually belonged around someone, and that made me feel good. I actually liked her, I actually cared for her, which is incredibly rare for me, as I said, and I liked that she made me feel this way, as well. Link to post Share on other sites
D.Mc. Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 I found that she and I had very similar personalities, and were very like-minded as far as the way we saw the world, the things we wanted out of life, etc. I didn't say I believe she was "perfect"; yes, everyone has flaws, I understand that. But she had the exact personality I've always wanted in a partner. I've always seen me as a sort of pariah, someone who doesn't really fit in well with most people, someone who's odd or just too different from most people to really be able to connect with them. When I was around her, I didn't feel like that. I felt like I finally "fit in" with someone, like I actually belonged around someone, and that made me feel good. I actually liked her, I actually cared for her, which is incredibly rare for me, as I said, and I liked that she made me feel this way, as well. And that's why they say opposites attract, when you are so equally matched to someone, your worst traits are also theirs. So of course it hurts to know that she could dismiss you as easily as you could dismiss other people except now the shoe is on the other foot. Unfortunately, people are everywhere & if you really want to find a connection w/someone then perhaps that particular outlook is something your next gf shouldn't have, so you each balance out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inflikted Posted December 31, 2014 Author Share Posted December 31, 2014 And that's why they say opposites attract, when you are so equally matched to someone, your worst traits are also theirs. So of course it hurts to know that she could dismiss you as easily as you could dismiss other people except now the shoe is on the other foot. Unfortunately, people are everywhere & if you really want to find a connection w/someone then perhaps that particular outlook is something your next gf shouldn't have, so you each balance out. I'm not really sure I follow. Anyway, I can't get behind the whole "opposites attract" thing. Personally, I'd prefer to be with someone that's very similar to me. I'd be more annoyed at someone who's my opposite, than anything else. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 I'm not really sure I follow. Anyway, I can't get behind the whole "opposites attract" thing. Personally, I'd prefer to be with someone that's very similar to me. I'd be more annoyed at someone who's my opposite, than anything else. Your right about that last part! You don't want to be with someone your have nothing in common with at all. Those relationship will end sooner. The girl you where talking about in the first post. I understand where you coming from but you have to understand that, not every girl you have feel that way about might not feel the same way about you. When you do find that one it's a special time for you. Soul mate! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inflikted Posted December 31, 2014 Author Share Posted December 31, 2014 Your right about that last part! You don't want to be with someone your have nothing in common with at all. Those relationship will end sooner. The girl you where talking about in the first post. I understand where you coming from but you have to understand that, not every girl you have feel that way about might not feel the same way about you. When you do find that one it's a special time for you. Soul mate! Right, and that's the problem. I "like" pretty much no one. So the odds of me finding someone I "like" AND having that person like me, as well, are almost nonexistent. I don't get to know what it's like to be with someone I really like. If I want to date, settle down, get married, etc., I'm going to have to do so for utility or some other reason besides "love" or feelings, or whatever. I have to get used to that idea. I just... don't know how. Link to post Share on other sites
welshbambi Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 When I was a teenager I had the hugest crush on this guy. He seemed 'perfect'. Why? Because I liked his face, we liked the same type of music and he was funny to me. Today if that's all it took I'd be in love with like 50 people right now. And life would be sooo much easier Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inflikted Posted January 4, 2015 Author Share Posted January 4, 2015 Easy or not, I'm so desperately lonely, but at the same time, I hate myself so much because of how uninterested and uncaring I am towards the people I meet and encounter throughout my life. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 (edited) This may be more about bonding than you not being with that 'perfect' girl. Bonding is something that happens, often unexpectedly. It makes us feel at ease with that person, trust them, and feel attraction too. It seems you bonded with that girl and now feel you couldn't feel the same about another girl. I suspect if you gave other girls a chance and got to know them a bit, got talking about deeper matters than the casual chit-chat we all engage in at first, you might start to feel something towards a different girl. Unless you get to know someone beyond the chit-chat stage, there is less chance of you feeling more bonded to them. Bonding creates familiarity and affection. I am not talking about spending time with women you dislike or feel totally unattracted to. If you do feel attracted to a woman and think she is a nice person, that's the time to give her a chance. You may feel you are too attached to the 'perfect' girl to bother, but things can change unconsciously when you get to know someone beyond the superficial. Edited January 4, 2015 by spiderowl Link to post Share on other sites
Author Inflikted Posted January 5, 2015 Author Share Posted January 5, 2015 This may be more about bonding than you not being with that 'perfect' girl. Bonding is something that happens, often unexpectedly. It makes us feel at ease with that person, trust them, and feel attraction too. It seems you bonded with that girl and now feel you couldn't feel the same about another girl. I suspect if you gave other girls a chance and got to know them a bit, got talking about deeper matters than the casual chit-chat we all engage in at first, you might start to feel something towards a different girl. Unless you get to know someone beyond the chit-chat stage, there is less chance of you feeling more bonded to them. Bonding creates familiarity and affection. I am not talking about spending time with women you dislike or feel totally unattracted to. If you do feel attracted to a woman and think she is a nice person, that's the time to give her a chance. You may feel you are too attached to the 'perfect' girl to bother, but things can change unconsciously when you get to know someone beyond the superficial. I think what attracts me to anyone, whether it be romantically or in a platonic way, is simply that I look for someone that reminds me of me, personality-wise. And the thing about that is, I feel so "different" from everyone I meet and encounter, and I've always felt this way. Not "superior", or anything silly like that. I just feel like I don't "fit in" with anyone. I know the easy answer is to try to find activities and meet like-minded people through them, but that doesn't work for me, because what I'm attracted to is bigger than some hobby or activity. I've met and known people that had very similar interests as me, I've met and known people that had very different interests than me. But I just never "click" with anyone, personality-wise, regardless. When it comes to women, and dating, I honestly don't pay any real attention to looks. As bizarre as it sounds, I just don't "look" for that kind of thing, I don't notice that kind of thing. I can't just go somewhere and see a "cute" girl and want to go talk to her, because I don't think that way, my brain doesn't work that way, unlike most of the male population. I think what attracted me so much to the girl I liked was how much of my personality I saw reflected in her. She had the same personality, the same sense of humor, the same morals and values, the same outlooks on life, the same observations about things, even the same little quirks and neurotic behaviors. Perhaps it's some kind of extreme narcissism on my part, but I found that very attractive. I felt like, for once in my life, I "fit in" with someone. I don't really know about the whole "bonding"/ "getting to know" someone thing. I mean, I never find myself caring enough to really try to have deeper conversations with people. But I'm a very observant person. When I'm around people, I notice things about them, I listen to the things they say, I watch the way they act with other people, and how they carry themselves. I may not get to know much about their personal lives, but I feel I observe them enough to know enough about them to the point where I know if I want to spend time with them or not. Even with the girl I liked, I didn't really start opening myself up to her until I had noticed her doing and saying things that reminded me of myself. Little by little, she piqued my interest because of how much she reminded me of myself, and that's when I really started trying to get to know her better. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts