I feel bad: I'm obsessed with knowing I'm not alone

[Mal78]

I feel really guilty about coming to these forums (I particularly love LS) as I almost find myself addicted. Sure, I come to the infidelity forum because I've been the BS however it's been 18+ years since my H PA!! I'm not as hung up on it as much as I feel relieved I'm not alone as a BS.

 

I don't feel I have all the answers to help (although I try) because,

 

A) I stayed with my WS

B) We never went to MC

C) it was expecting (or I was too young and dumb and afraid to rock the boat so he didn't leave us for good) that once he confessed that the truth "shall set him free" and it's not to be discussed again.

 

I honestly feel like it was never resolved and I am forever in limbo obsessing secretly about it constantly questioning his love for me. I know he would never cheat on me again and he is committed to our family 110% (now) but I will never know (as he is a poor communicator and has never been emotionally attentive) if he is feels he signed up with a bad deal and is now just "living" with the consequences of that sh*tty deal.

 

I don't know if being her although I love coming is healthy. Thoughts?

[goodyblue]

I feel really guilty about coming to these forums (I particularly love LS) as I almost find myself addicted. Sure, I come to the infidelity forum because I've been the BS however it's been 18+ years since my H PA!! I'm not as hung up on it as much as I feel relieved I'm not alone as a BS.

 

I don't feel I have all the answers to help (although I try) because,

 

A) I stayed with my WS

B) We never went to MC

C) it was expecting (or I was too young and dumb and afraid to rock the boat so he didn't leave us for good) that once he confessed that the truth "shall set him free" and it's not to be discussed again.

 

I honestly feel like it was never resolved and I am forever in limbo obsessing secretly about it constantly questioning his love for me. I know he would never cheat on me again and he is committed to our family 110% (now) but I will never know (as he is a poor communicator and has never been emotionally attentive) if he is feels he signed up with a bad deal and is now just "living" with the consequences of that sh*tty deal.

 

I don't know if being her although I love coming is healthy. Thoughts?

 

18 years is a long time to wonder if your partner regrets a decision to stay with you. That must be torture. Do you feel he thinks he made a mistake? Do you feel he thinks life is good or is he just rowing along, not really living at all? What about you?

 

And why ignore the infidelity just so he would not leave? I see people on here all the time say when a ws stays for the kids it is just an excuse he tells the ow of why he can't be with her, but when the BS says they stay for the kids it is a martyr's task. Confusing to me.

 

What draws you to the boards? It doesn't seem like it is to commiserate but more that the train wrecks are interesting...

[fellini]

It's common for WS'S to be addicted to the the affair they are living.

 

There is another, just as problematic, addiction for some BS'S to the affair post dday.

The affair that happened to them is a source of addictive obsession and identity. This can result in deliberately not moving on in order to feed the need to wallow in affair thoughts.

 

It's in the literature. I believe Glass talks about it in "Not just friends"

 

It requires treatment.

[LifesontheUp]

I believe you will never find the "peace" you are seeking because it was swept under the carpet.

 

I think you should find a time for you and your husband to have a good hard honest talk about what happened and how you are feeling. From that you should finally get your answers as long as your husband is willing to talk?

 

I'm another BS who pops back from time to time too, usually to see who is still around and to post a little help on the seperation/divorce forum. I divorced my xH over 10yrs now; for me I have no regrets.

[No Limit]

once he confessed that the truth "shall set him free" and it's not to be discussed again

 

Nope, wrong. It's HIM who has to make amends, not YOU. He lost all rights to control the relationship the moment he jumped into bed with another person.

 

There are reactions going from plates smashed to affair partners/wayward spouses/both murdered. Obviously you don't have to kill anyone but stuffing it up in yourself won't help you at all.

 

Sit your husband down and say everything you want to say. Cry, scream, whatever you want. And if he leaves or yells back, well, there's your answer.

[bnx]

Just to clarify - are you guys together?

[Mal78]

18 years is a long time to wonder if your partner regrets a decision to stay with you. That must be torture. Do you feel he thinks he made a mistake? Do you feel he thinks life is good or is he just rowing along, not really living at all? What about you?

 

And why ignore the infidelity just so he would not leave? I see people on here all the time say when a ws stays for the kids it is just an excuse he tells the ow of why he can't be with her, but when the BS says they stay for the kids it is a martyr's task. Confusing to me.

 

What draws you to the boards? It doesn't seem like it is to commiserate but more that the train wrecks are interesting...

 

I just feel that he got trapped (with me getting pregnant in highschool) and him torn between "doing the right thing" and getting the most out of life. He was a bit of a wild child... a rebel if you will. He was out there partying, getting laid... skipping school and we just happened to be a consequence of that.

 

He didn't participate in my pregnancy however when he finally met our son some light started to shine through. Meanwhile when our son was about a year I had no place to go so he took me in. He got the taste of what "a family" was all about and he grew to (perhaps) either like me or tolerate me. I was convient so we did have sex, but he also got to see me as a mother. I was still nursing so he didn't miss that. He then was REALLY bonding with our son.

 

He still continued to party as often as he could until our youngest was born 10 years ago (we have 5). He was the "savior" child. My H was finally old enough, mature enough to be a father... finally. He loves and is very affectionate with all our children but our baby is definitely his baby. He transformed, stays home, stop partying/drinking went back to school for 4 years and now has a career that is dependable and sustainable. I work to f/t but from my home so I am still available for my children.

 

My husband is very affectionate, happy, go - lucky, the jokester, fun, adventurous, objective... I could go on. However, he is barely any of those things with me. He is often angry, bitter, critical, judgmental and I feel often inferior to him. We have good times sure... but boy oh boy I am not to have a hard time. Be "depressed" or down or mad at him because he will turn it around with explosives.

 

In a nutshell she he may love me.... He is not "in love" with me. Sure he likes sex but he would not pursue it, initiate it and 8/10 I do he declines (not always in a nice way). I recently tried talking to him about it and it turned ugly. So... yet again... subject dropped.

 

Why I come here? Perhaps watching train wrecks however I don't take any joy or satisfaction. I am seeking a comparable situation or at least at the beginning of my H and I after DD and tell them to RUN. However it seems most WSs are *caught* and there on the most part a level of remorse... followed by MC or at least communication OR D. None of these apply to my situation.

[TigerCub]

Mal,

 

Your post made me so sad for you.

The cheating aside even, he sounds like an awful person.

So, fine it took 5 kids for him to finally man up and be happy being a parent - oooh woopty woop, lets throw him a parade!

 

But he doesn't treat you well, he makes you feel bad, he rejects you, he turns things on you the minute you try to discuss something of importance.

 

He's a terrible person and I'm so sorry that you've wasted so much time on him and will waste more time because it doesn't seem like you want to leave him, you're just staying debating your worth or if you're a mistake.

 

That's so sad.

I hope you can find happiness Mal.

**HUGS**

[Mal78]

Thanks for the replies. I should add, at the end of the summer I was done. I didn't want to be in a sexless/loveless marriage. I expressed this profoundly one day... via text to my H. He came home... we talked but my mind was set and I want it done NOW. He left (to my surprise) and again to my surprise I wasn't an emotional wreck over it.

 

He talked about MC (totally uncharacteristic of him) obtained the information from a friend who used him. Sent me the info via text. I told him if he wants it... set it up. And with his same old ways he says, "Why do I have to do all the work"... ect meaning "I had no real intentions of seeing a MC I just thought that's what you wanted to hear".

 

He moved back gradually and it just was unspoken... yet again that he was back at all. I started to go to IC, he was like "great you need that" meaning it's you that has the issues so it's good you are dealing with that. I'm tiered of your issues.

 

I suggest MC again, he says he doesn't see the need.

 

In IC my therapist is stalemate on how to continue to help me if we don't get help 'together' in couples therapy that we will just run in circles because my issues mostly surround my H. He is just not seeing himself as any part of the issue.

 

Apparently, I'm am going through something many women go through and why it is surfacing now is that my kids (20, 18, 15, 15 and 10) for the most part are independent and now I have all this time to reflect "life".

 

Heart to hearts with my H is NOT possible and because he doesn't see it as an issue MC is off the table. There is no such thing as communicating feelings in this marriage. Any attempt is asking for an explosion.

 

SO FRUSTRATING!!!

 

No less discussion of an A that happened 18 years ago! He would go off the handle with... haven't I proven enough to you??

[jm2013]

I just feel that he got trapped (with me getting pregnant in highschool) and him torn between "doing the right thing" and getting the most out of life. He was a bit of a wild child... a rebel if you will. He was out there partying, getting laid... skipping school and we just happened to be a consequence of that.

 

He didn't participate in my pregnancy however when he finally met our son some light started to shine through. Meanwhile when our son was about a year I had no place to go so he took me in. He got the taste of what "a family" was all about and he grew to (perhaps) either like me or tolerate me. I was convient so we did have sex, but he also got to see me as a mother. I was still nursing so he didn't miss that. He then was REALLY bonding with our son.

 

He still continued to party as often as he could until our youngest was born 10 years ago (we have 5). He was the "savior" child. My H was finally old enough, mature enough to be a father... finally. He loves and is very affectionate with all our children but our baby is definitely his baby. He transformed, stays home, stop partying/drinking went back to school for 4 years and now has a career that is dependable and sustainable. I work to f/t but from my home so I am still available for my children.

 

My husband is very affectionate, happy, go - lucky, the jokester, fun, adventurous, objective... I could go on. However, he is barely any of those things with me. He is often angry, bitter, critical, judgmental and I feel often inferior to him. We have good times sure... but boy oh boy I am not to have a hard time. Be "depressed" or down or mad at him because he will turn it around with explosives.

 

In a nutshell she he may love me.... He is not "in love" with me. Sure he likes sex but he would not pursue it, initiate it and 8/10 I do he declines (not always in a nice way). I recently tried talking to him about it and it turned ugly. So... yet again... subject dropped.

 

Why I come here? Perhaps watching train wrecks however I don't take any joy or satisfaction. I am seeking a comparable situation or at least at the beginning of my H and I after DD and tell them to RUN. However it seems most WSs are *caught* and there on the most part a level of remorse... followed by MC or at least communication OR D. None of these apply to my situation.

 

Wow. I'm sorry you're still going through this. I read stories like this on here and am terrified. It doesn't EVER go away. Over a span of 18 years and this nightmare still remains. It doesn't ever sound like you found peace.

[Rainbowlove]

Apparently, I'm am going through something many women go through and why it is surfacing now is that my kids (20, 18, 15, 15 and 10) for the most part are independent and now I have all this time to reflect "life".

 

Heart to hearts with my H is NOT possible and because he doesn't see it as an issue MC is off the table. There is no such thing as communicating feelings in this marriage. Any attempt is asking for an explosion.

 

I think this has less to do with the affair that happened so long ago. It's really about the present state of your marriage and relationship with your husband.

 

You don't feel loved. You are not getting all of someone. You are an after thought to him. Sex is on his terms and when he feels like getting laid.

 

He's not a partner to you. He's not putting you first. You are not allowed to share your feelings in a safe way. Nothing about this marriage is healthy.

 

The affair didn't make your marriage unhealthy. He just doesn't seem to care about your marriage, by what you are saying and maybe he never did.

 

But that's him. This is more about you. I think now that you have less time to focus on the kids, you are realizing you have not been treated well. You are realizing you want more from someone. You realize you deserve more.

 

Where do you go from here? That's the next question.

[waterwoman]

Oh mal, this is so sad . To my mind the affair is almost entirely irrelevant to what you have said about your marriage as it stands today. Who care why he's still with you? The big question is why YOU are still with him. What joy, security, validation, affection are you getting from him?

[Mal78]

I see so often posters giving the advice.... "just talk to your partner" or "you really need to set down with your spouse"...

 

If only it was easy like that. If I were to say to my H "do you have a moment? I really have something I need to talk to you about" (I've done this in every way, wording, moment and possibility. Using "I" statements...you name it) he would typically reply, "WTF is your issue now"? "What didn't I do right today" "here we go again" "you think YOU are the only one with problems".... ect I could say, that it is really important to me and it doesn't matter.

 

You would think based on those statements I nag him often. I barely address anything with him in fears of his reactions. Not that he will *hurt* me however I am protecting my emotions. He is *never* going to see me in pain and respond in a loving, supportive way. I fantasize the idea ...I would give anything for him to scope me up in his arms and comfort me.

 

He sees my pain (ie. Crying) as a sign of weakness and gets mad vs comfort. This won't change.

[Rainbowlove]

He sees my pain (ie. Crying) as a sign of weakness and gets mad vs comfort. This won't change.

 

It won't change, probably not. Why does he see your pain as a sign of weakness? He's turning the tables on you, so he doesn't have to look at himself or attempt to change any of his own behaviors.

 

It's called manipulation and control. He's controlling you. Why?

 

When we control others it's because of fear. What's his fear? He fears losing you.

 

When you told him you were done this past summer, he left...but only to return and he told you what you wanted to hear but there was no follow through.

 

You are letting him off the hook of NOT working on your marriage and NOT changing anything about the way he treats you.

 

If you want to be treated better by him, demand it. If he leaves, let him leave for good or make real changes before returning.

[LifesontheUp]

I see so often posters giving the advice.... "just talk to your partner" or "you really need to set down with your spouse"...

 

If only it was easy like that. If I were to say to my H "do you have a moment? I really have something I need to talk to you about" (I've done this in every way, wording, moment and possibility. Using "I" statements...you name it) he would typically reply, "WTF is your issue now"? "What didn't I do right today" "here we go again" "you think YOU are the only one with problems".... ect I could say, that it is really important to me and it doesn't matter.

 

You would think based on those statements I nag him often. I barely address anything with him in fears of his reactions. Not that he will *hurt* me however I am protecting my emotions. He is *never* going to see me in pain and respond in a loving, supportive way. I fantasize the idea ...I would give anything for him to scope me up in his arms and comfort me.

 

He sees my pain (ie. Crying) as a sign of weakness and gets mad vs comfort. This won't change.

 

To be fair, you didn't say in your first post that you had tried to speak to him. Its only in later posts the true depth of your marriage problems have you been clear.

 

Honestly, I'd pack his bags and throw him out. If its what eventually wakes him up all good. But if not, you can at least stop the cycle of emotional neglect re occuring imho

[Rainbowlove]

At this point, it's not about changing him - it's about changing you.

 

We can only blame others for our unhappiness for so long. The truth is we are only responsible for our own happiness - no one else.

[LifesontheUp]

At this point, it's not about changing him - it's about changing you.

 

Read this again and again Mal78, you need to take control of your life instead of allowing him to treat you this way.

[TigerCub]

Mal I'm just wondering.

When you were once so determined that you wanted to end things with him 'NOW' and he left and suggested MC just to tell you what you wanted to hear, then he weasled his way back. What changed?

Nothing

But where did your determination go?

 

I mean what happened to that feeling of things not working out, you wanting to end it?

 

You're clearly still in a lot of pain - why do you put up with the way he mistreats you?

 

I think you need to ask yourself these questions and decide what you should do to be happier.

[fellini]

I think its unwise to pass judgement about a man whose only representative are his long term spouse's story. Not that what you say is not credible, it truly is, but it's less than half the story. Like a WS you have told us only the negative things about your M to this guy.

 

He sounds at minimum a conflict avoider.

 

But it is not him here asking for help, it is you. You say little, almost NOTHING about yourself, who you see yourself to be, except always in terms of him, his gestures (or lack of them) his behaviours.

 

What is your role in this relationship. Who are you without thinking about HOW he makes you feel/see yourself?

 

before you can move forward you might ask yourself: who am I, how did I get here, is this me, what needs to change for me to be the person I wish to be. If the answer is sstill about him, or his 18 year old A, start again.

[Mal78]

At this point, it's not about changing him - it's about changing you.

 

We can only blame others for our unhappiness for so long. The truth is we are only responsible for our own happiness - no one else.

 

I'm only just beginning to see this. I am romanticizing an ideal that is not obtainable. I have been so desperately seeking the image that I never considered the substance important. I feel (or just realized) is that we have an unhealthy co-dependancy on each other.

 

I decided this year to smarten up. Focus on ME. I have a trainer, I have been seeing my Dr to iron out my health kinks, I have been doing IC, I have been maintaining my overall appearance/grooming (I work from home, barely leave the house this is not nessisary)... I've been trying to feel good about me. Problem is, I am feeling SO good about myself (and looking good) my sex drive is through the roof! My H hasn't changed so it creates a whole new set of frustrations for me.

 

On one hand I don't see my wanting this for the rest of my life. I need so much more and want it! On the other hand I think we are very dependant on each other in many ways. I am also very attracted to my H. He is very attractive period. I'm not sure if I would take him with another person well. But on the other hand I would LOVE to see him with someone he could be truly happy with. I actually would love to see what that looks like.

 

His parents (in my opinion) is in a "in-love"-less marriage. His step-dad, very active, fit, attractive and affectionate man and his Mother, very unhealthy, overweight, chronic smoker with an array of health issues from sever depression to crohns, anxiety disorder to diabetes. I adore my Mother in law and had the fortune to know her prior to all the health issues. However now, she is essentially dying a slow... painful... death.

 

His step-dad is there, for better or worse... thru thick and thin. She is only 54 he is 55. Too young... He certainly doesn't desire her and because of her chronic pain they are most definitely NOT intimate. She lays in bed, smoking and sleeping for the majority of the day.

 

I think my H has so much distain towards his mother for what he perceives as "giving up" and that his step-dad "has" to tolerate it but he certainly won't. Of course smoking has attributed to most of her health issues but the biggest is her depression. The most debilitating is her depression and like me it presented it self when kids were adults/teens and she had time to reflect/think. It then just consumed her. She was horribly abused by her father and father's military buddies. Her father's abuse resulted in a pregnancy one she carried to term.

 

My H understands the abuse but does not get the depression. He sees suicide/attempted suicide as weak... selfish. He doesn't understand mental illness nor attempts to understand. He thinks people/his mother should just get over it and snap out of it!

 

So there are many issues that contribute to his mindset. I know a lot of it is pain induced and he his putting up a front. He feels his Mother abandoned him and found a better life that he was not good enough to participate in. He had access to her and his brothers but they were short visits that didn't include holidays and vacations however he knew about all of them.

 

He, still holds much resentment even though she has tried to make amends. He grieves the pain as a child she put him through and carries that heavy. He has a hard time realizing that although he was her child, he was also her father's child. A product of rape. She was very young and didn't have the mental/emotional capacity to make much decisions. She left him with her parents and ran.

[thirtysomethingteen]

You deserve better - how dare he act like you ought to be grateful to him for "blessing" you with his presence?!?!

 

I really hope you find the inner strength to throw this POS out on his ass, but not before he hears all about what a pathetic excuse for a husband - and a lover - he has been.

 

He sounds like a has-been who peaked in high school and would be in for a very rude awakening if he were to hit the singles scene and discover just how "appealing" he really is to the female species.

 

Best of luck Mal - I really hope you start standing up to this loser. He needs a cold hard dose of reality.

[Rainbowlove]

His FOO is without question F'd up. I'll give him that.

 

Mine was no picnic either. I'm sure there are many of us her on LS who have had difficult upbringings and horrible childhood experiences. They do not have to define who we are, nor do they excuse our behaviors or how we treat others.

 

Again, keep the focus on you. You cannot force him to deal with or accept that he has resentment towards his mother or grandfather/father. If he's not willing to deal with those issues and how they are impacting his intimate relationships, that's on him. That's his choice.

 

I don't think you are ready for real change yet, and that's okay. Real change at this point would mean packing his bag and telling him to do some much needed self-work.

 

Until you reach that point, keep working on you. Eventually, something has got to give. Now you are awake and eyes wide open and are beginning to see the full picture and scope of your codependent relationship. Once that happens, it's hard to go back to sleep and pretend all is well.

[Mal78]

Mal I'm just wondering.

When you were once so determined that you wanted to end things with him 'NOW' and he left and suggested MC just to tell you what you wanted to hear, then he weasled his way back. What changed?

Nothing

But where did your determination go?

 

I mean what happened to that feeling of things not working out, you wanting to end it?

 

You're clearly still in a lot of pain - why do you put up with the way he mistreats you?

 

I think you need to ask yourself these questions and decide what you should do to be happier.

 

I figured I would take another approach to help our marriage. Look for ways to communicate effectively. I have done something else, bit ashamed of but was desperate to needed my H needing me. I started giving him daily BJ. I know he LOVES my techniques and it drives him CRAzy . He would never "ask" for a BJ so I had fun letting him think all I want to do is give him head.

 

It lasted 3 weeks.... then, as you can imagine it didn't go how *I* hoped/anticipated and I told my bff what I was doing and she told me to smarten the F up! "You are not going to get what you need by giving HIM blowjobs".... true.

 

Why do I "put up"? Well, I LOVE my H. Our life has been a very slow incline but there has been progress. He gives an inch... I want a mile. I also think if we had the opportunity to give each other two plus days alone, no kids away from home we could connect. He could open up. He has to be constantly busy, he has many hobbies and it is also VERY mind consuming... then there is work... then the kids... then life! Focusing on all these things leaves little time, effort, energy on "us". I may see it as a serious priority that needs attention he sees it as comfortable enough to leave it. It won't go any where.

 

I know my H wouldn't fight me if I left. He wouldn't try to win me back or do better. This recent separation has firmed that up for him and it has also heightened his control on life because he felt so out of control.

 

I listed the many qualities I admire in him. There is SO many things that makes him a wonderful man but I don't think being a great partner is priority because I'll still be here. I didn't go anywhere in the thick of it, "she certainly isn't going anywhere now".

[TigerCub]

I figured I would take another approach to help our marriage. Look for ways to communicate effectively. I have done something else, bit ashamed of but was desperate to needed my H needing me. I started giving him daily BJ. I know he LOVES my techniques and it drives him CRAzy . He would never "ask" for a BJ so I had fun letting him think all I want to do is give him head.

 

It lasted 3 weeks.... then, as you can imagine it didn't go how *I* hoped/anticipated and I told my bff what I was doing and she told me to smarten the F up! "You are not going to get what you need by giving HIM blowjobs".... true.

 

Why do I "put up"? Well, I LOVE my H. Our life has been a very slow incline but there has been progress. He gives an inch... I want a mile. I also think if we had the opportunity to give each other two plus days alone, no kids away from home we could connect. He could open up. He has to be constantly busy, he has many hobbies and it is also VERY mind consuming... then there is work... then the kids... then life! Focusing on all these things leaves little time, effort, energy on "us". I may see it as a serious priority that needs attention he sees it as comfortable enough to leave it. It won't go any where.

 

I know my H wouldn't fight me if I left. He wouldn't try to win me back or do better. This recent separation has firmed that up for him and it has also heightened his control on life because he felt so out of control.

 

I listed the many qualities I admire in him. There is SO many things that makes him a wonderful man but I don't think being a great partner is priority because I'll still be here. I didn't go anywhere in the thick of it, "she certainly isn't going anywhere now".

 

Thank you Mal for answering so truthfully.

In your IC do you and your therapist ever discuss where/when this attitude (loving someone that's so bad to you) came from?

I truly don't mean disrespect by my question.

I just think that sometimes our past or how we grew up affects how we are as adults and who we choose and who we end up with and what we put up with.

 

Did IC ever address that?

[badkarma2013]

I feel really guilty about coming to these forums (I particularly love LS) as I almost find myself addicted. Sure, I come to the infidelity forum because I've been the BS however it's been 18+ years since my H PA!! I'm not as hung up on it as much as I feel relieved I'm not alone as a BS.

 

I don't feel I have all the answers to help (although I try) because,

 

A) I stayed with my WS

B) We never went to MC

C) it was expecting (or I was too young and dumb and afraid to rock the boat so he didn't leave us for good) that once he confessed that the truth "shall set him free" and it's not to be discussed again.

 

I honestly feel like it was never resolved and I am forever in limbo obsessing secretly about it constantly questioning his love for me. I know he would never cheat on me again and he is committed to our family 110% (now) but I will never know (as he is a poor communicator and has never been emotionally attentive) if he is feels he signed up with a bad deal and is now just "living" with the consequences of that sh*tty deal.

 

I don't know if being her although I love coming is healthy. Thoughts?

*****************************************************************

 

 

I think what is not being said is...You can Never out do the OM/OW..One cannot Compete with a FANTASY.....AS a BH or BW we will NEVER no what the WS was thinking ..what they REALLY felt when they were with the AP...when they had sex ..the pet names they had or if they really loved them...You will never ever know..

 

The WS will 99% of the time lie..minimize and deceive you to stay in the marriage...Why wouldnt they, they have been doing it along in the A..

 

So how could one compete with a feeling or their reality based on something that truly does not exist?

 

 

Now we are left the decision to stay or go....My WW did Not get it till she was served at work and i filed a lawsuit against the company she and her Boss/OM worked for.....SHE GOT IT THEN..and was sooo forth coming and soooo sorry...too late ...