I feel bad: I'm obsessed with knowing I'm not alone

[Rainbowlove]

Thank you Mal for answering so truthfully.

In your IC do you and your therapist ever discuss where/when this attitude (loving someone that's so bad to you) came from?

I truly don't mean disrespect by my question.

I just think that sometimes our past or how we grew up affects how we are as adults and who we choose and who we end up with and what we put up with.Did IC ever address that?

 

I was quietly wondering this, too. You've told us about him and his upbringing to explain why he is the way he is.

 

Could it be your upbringing explains why you "put" up with him and his mistreatment of you?

 

We do, whether we want to admit it or not, mirror those who raised us. Damn them.

[Mal78]

Thank you Mal for answering so truthfully.

In your IC do you and your therapist ever discuss where/when this attitude (loving someone that's so bad to you) came from?

I truly don't mean disrespect by my question.

I just think that sometimes our past or how we grew up affects how we are as adults and who we choose and who we end up with and what we put up with.

 

Did IC ever address that?

 

Well, I have a Narcisist Mother. I could/would never be good enough for. I was constantly trying to win/buy/beg her love and I was still trying to achieve her standards, however her standards would keep changing.

 

My therapist said, "it's like playing a game that I was never given the rules for". I have not had communication with my Mother in 4 years. This has been the best/healthiest solution to better myself I have *EVER* done! I'm not alone, out of 6 siblings only 2 remain in contact with her. One is special needs the other has major social issues and she treated him the worse!! However he has a need to please her. I love all my brothers (I'm the oldest and only girl) and just ache for what they go/been through. I was fortunate to leave young as getting pregnant at 15 was my saving grace for my home life. Otherwise I was a GREAT kid... just was looking for love in all the wrong places. I thought SEX=Love. I didn't enjoy it at all. It hurt every time and because I was raised in a VERY religious household and was never properly educated on sex I thought it was supposed to be that way particularly since I wasn't married.

 

My mother in a lot of ways is like my H. However MUCH worse. It took years after leaving home to sort through what was reality and what was her bull sh*t. I still maintained a relationship because I didn't know there was an option.... "she is my Mother". However I was not living healthy. I would hide who I was, what I did, what I liked in fear of her disapproval. Drinking coffee is a sin... I love my Tim Hortons double double (I'm from Canada). But she would be critical in my taste of books, movies, my Hair...you name it. The straw was her having into my email (she is VERY computer savvy, however my password was my childhood phone # that she still had). She would have read through hundreds of emails to find one to her distain to call me on it (I bet it was boring I'm a PTA president, SAHM of 5. My life was not that interesting). She called me pissed of that she read, "you just have to take my Mother with a grain of salt" she flew off the handle as if I said she was the devil. I then, in return stood up to her for the first time. EVER. 32 years old, married for 15 years, 5 children and not living at home for 16 years and I have to explain my private emails?!?!

 

Anyhooo. .. long story short. A year to the day later she sent out a 8 page mass email berating me to anyone she had a email for including my H and his entire family. Fortune for me she wears her *crazy* loudly so no one was fazed by her ramblings of virtually nothing because it was not anything to begin with. But because I went through this type torment as a child I was still very anxiety written about people will think.

 

She doesn't control my life like that anymore. And she HATES it!

[Rainbowlove]

Well, I have a Narcisist Mother. I could/would never be good enough for. I was constantly trying to win/buy/beg her love and I was still trying to achieve her standards, however her standards would keep changing.

 

My therapist said, "it's like playing a game that I was never given the rules for". I have not had communication with my Mother in 4 years. This has been the best/healthiest solution to better myself I have *EVER* done! I'm not alone, out of 6 siblings only 2 remain in contact with her. One is special needs the other has major social issues and she treated him the worse!! However he has a need to please her. I love all my brothers (I'm the oldest and only girl) and just ache for what they go/been through. I was fortunate to leave young as getting pregnant at 15 was my saving grace for my home life. Otherwise I was a GREAT kid... just was looking for love in all the wrong places. I thought SEX=Love. I didn't enjoy it at all. It hurt every time and because I was raised in a VERY religious household and was never properly educated on sex I thought it was supposed to be that way particularly since I wasn't married.

 

My mother in a lot of ways is like my H. However MUCH worse. It took years after leaving home to sort through what was reality and what was her bull sh*t. I still maintained a relationship because I didn't know there was an option.... "she is my Mother". However I was not living healthy. I would hide who I was, what I did, what I liked in fear of her disapproval. Drinking coffee is a sin... I love my Tim Hortons double double (I'm from Canada). But she would be critical in my taste of books, movies, my Hair...you name it. The straw was her having into my email (she is VERY computer savvy, however my password was my childhood phone # that she still had). She would have read through hundreds of emails to find one to her distain to call me on it (I bet it was boring I'm a PTA president, SAHM of 5. My life was not that interesting). She called me pissed of that she read, "you just have to take my Mother with a grain of salt" she flew off the handle as if I said she was the devil. I then, in return stood up to her for the first time. EVER. 32 years old, married for 15 years, 5 children and not living at home for 16 years and I have to explain my private emails?!?!

 

Anyhooo. .. long story short. A year to the day later she sent out a 8 page mass email berating me to anyone she had a email for including my H and his entire family. Fortune for me she wears her *crazy* loudly so no one was fazed by her ramblings of virtually nothing because it was not anything to begin with. But because I went through this type torment as a child I was still very anxiety written about people will think.

 

She doesn't control my life like that anymore. And she HATES it!

 

All of this makes so much sense to me. We do repeat those patterns and breaking the cycles are so hard. How about your kids? Are you repeating patterns to them? Are they watching you seek approval and love from you husband and will they do the same with their spouses?

 

We teach them, just as ours taught us. You are a brave woman for putting it all out in the open here. I appreciate your courage. You seem to be finding your voice and your way, even if you don't feel strong right now, you are.

 

Keep working it out. Keep talking through it.

[Mal78]

All of this makes so much sense to me. We do repeat those patterns and breaking the cycles are so hard. How about your kids? Are you repeating patterns to them? Are they watching you seek approval and love from you husband and will they do the same with their spouses?

 

We teach them, just as ours taught us. You are a brave woman for putting it all out in the open here. I appreciate your courage. You seem to be finding your voice and your way, even if you don't feel strong right now, you are.

 

Keep working it out. Keep talking through it.

 

Thank-you so much. I've worked my whole life to love my children without conditions. We talk... I don't analysis... judge. Frankly I am quite shocked at some of the things they will come to me about. We work through solution together and express feelings. I hope the can/will always feel comfortable with this. My H and I compliment each other as I can provide this when he is very affectionate. I wasn't raised with affection so I REALLY have to remember to include it with my children as for my H it is so fluent and genuine. My kids can't walk by my H without him hugging them. I LOVE this!!! I tell him how much I love this and I am so glad our children get this and he teaches /reminds me to be a better person in this area.

 

As for the other stuff I am sure they see it too. They were too young to see the brunt of our issues and for all they know (and are proud of announcing the fact) that their parents were "high school sweethearts". Which is not true at all, but it is how they picture it so why mess with that? They don't need to know the details.

[TigerCub]

Thank-you so much. I've worked my whole life to love my children without conditions. We talk... I don't analysis... judge. Frankly I am quite shocked at some of the things they will come to me about. We work through solution together and express feelings. I hope the can/will always feel comfortable with this. My H and I compliment each other as I can provide this when he is very affectionate. I wasn't raised with affection so I REALLY have to remember to include it with my children as for my H it is so fluent and genuine. My kids can't walk by my H without him hugging them. I LOVE this!!! I tell him how much I love this and I am so glad our children get this and he teaches /reminds me to be a better person in this area.

 

As for the other stuff I am sure they see it too. They were too young to see the brunt of our issues and for all they know (and are proud of announcing the fact) that their parents were "high school sweethearts". Which is not true at all, but it is how they picture it so why mess with that? They don't need to know the details.

 

Hey Mal - as soon as you mentioned the Double Double - I was like 'oooh she's a fellow Canuk eh!"

Thank you for explaining your issues with your mom and the past.

I totally get why you keep trying to finally win over someone that seems to disapprove of you so much - your husband is your mom and you're trying to win with him like you never could with her. I see it - I've had daddy issues and they became apparent when I had an affair with an attached guy. It became clear during that time that I was just trying and trying to be with someone that I know was bad for me. Being in that situation was the worst thing I've ever done and I hated myself during that time, but I loved him and I just so badly wanted to be "chosen" even if the person doing the choosing was really not someone I would have picked on my own as an ideal partner right?

 

Point is - that's when it became apparent that I was trying to relive or fix something that I couldn't get right in my past - and that wasn't right, it wasn't healthy and it was worse than anything I've ever been through.

 

What I have put in bold, actually makes me think that your kids are waaaay more aware of just how bad things are between you and your H that they actually feel the need to make something up - something they see as the ideal, sweet true love.

 

I agree with Rainbow, you are a strong person, and I think you are capable of doing what's best for you and your family.

 

Even if your H is affectionate and sweet to your kids (and that is fantastic) - I still think you may end up teaching them that it's ok to be mistreated and stay and it's ok to be in a loveless relationship - because I truly believe that kids pick up on everything and just the fact that they made up a story about you 2 I think actually proves that they know that the reality sucks and therefore they have to create an alternate one that seems better.

 

I wish you the best Mal