sandmeyer Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 Hi all, I was hoping some people with experience may share their opinion on my current situation. In short, after being with my wife for almost a year, I'm considering a separation/divorce. Some background information: - we are both 26 and have had several long-term relationships previous - I am finishing my 9th and last year of schooling (she has just finished her 8th and is working now) - we dated for about a year and a half and were engaged for a year - we lived together for about a year before being married Let me begin by saying I don't feel like either of us has done anything wrong. I can't fault her for anything. She's an amazing woman in so many ways and I'm lucky to have her. The problem is that I don't feel attracted to her and I feel this has been the case for over a year. When we first started dating I couldn't keep my hands off her. We'd have sex 4+ times per week with both of us having equally high libidos. I would say around the 2 year mark this started to drop off and I take full responsibility. I think I made excuses for myself and her such as: not showered, tired, busy. I think I believed it myself. She has remained highly interested in me sexually and I have felt awful turning her down. I would say we have had sex around 2-3 times/month in the last year. About a month and a half ago I started to really search my feelings. School was such a distraction that I think I ignored a lot of signs. When I realized I wasn't attracted to her I didn't know why; frankly, I still don't fully understand. As I have said, she is quite amazing and logically I know she is very attractive. Are there things I'd change about her body physically? Maybe, but I feel anyone could say that. This leads me to believe I'm not attracted to her emotionally anymore. I do feel like we've changed some in the last 3.5 years. There has been no affairs, no other people; however, over the last year or more, I would say I am more interested in other women (will look, interested in talking with). I try to be honest with her, so about a month ago I told her I wasn't attracted to her. She was of course upset and things have been less than ideal since then, but she is keen to work on things. I suppose this leads me to my dilemma of sorts. I do care for her. Frankly I don't know if I love her. I would say I love her, but not IN love with her, if anything (as cliche as that sounds). I do believe in marriage, but I am wondering if I rushed into it too quickly. We have tentative plans to take jobs in a new city. Contracts are literally drawn up, but not signed yet. I am extremely stressed as I have this "shi*t or get off the pot" feeling. I don't want to waste her time or my time. I don't want to drag her to a new city only to have this fail. One of big concerns is that I wasn't that excited for this new opportunity in the new city, when I know I should be. I'm excited to be done with school and the prospect of travel. But I don't feel excited to travel with her. I feel like an as*. And I'm pretty sure this makes me one. But I don't want to hurt her and I feel like that is unavoidable now. Any advice or experience would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for listening if you made it this far! Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 I would split up with her and let her find someone that will love her like she needs. You do realise that those "IN LOVE" feelings do fade over the years and become a deeper more fulfilling love imho. Wish you luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author sandmeyer Posted December 30, 2014 Author Share Posted December 30, 2014 I would split up with her and let her find someone that will love her like she needs. You do realise that those "IN LOVE" feelings do fade over the years and become a deeper more fulfilling love imho. Wish you luck Thanks for your reply. I do understand that the initial "in love"/lust feelings fade in most relationships but I'm concerned at the rate in which it has happened. Especially when I can't point a finger at any one circumstance. We rarely fight and see eye-to-eye on mostly everything. I wonder if I'm being selfish. I want her to be happy and I know for her that means being with me. If we were to separate now I feel like it would give her the best chance to recover and find someone to love her like she deserves. Is it better to accept that a marriage doesn't work early on? Or hold on hope and possibly fail several years later when things will be more messy (with the possibility that things could get better)? Link to post Share on other sites
bnx Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 Outside of her physical attraction, how attracted are you to her personality at this point? Does she still have the traits of the person you fell in love with? Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 Not sure on your love for her is a problem. That means you are not feeling it so deeply in love nor do you have any love for her. So one of two things you going to have to do. One this type of relationship seems to be more for fun, then a real relationship. Second you both are at school still so that focus should be on completing it so you can move on to the next level like get high paying job. But in the main-time your both are not ready for marriage and she well has doubt already in this relationship and you too. But you can't see the signs because school and your life is already complex. Don't get so worked up over this. Back off and play it by ear. If you can't do that then move on and work on your studies. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sandmeyer Posted December 30, 2014 Author Share Posted December 30, 2014 Outside of her physical attraction, how attracted are you to her personality at this point? Does she still have the traits of the person you fell in love with? I wouldn't say I'm attracted to it, but certainly not unattractive either. She's much that same as when I met her. I think she has become a bit more "boring". More motherly. Less exciting. I would expect this is somewhat normal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sandmeyer Posted December 30, 2014 Author Share Posted December 30, 2014 Not sure on your love for her is a problem. That means you are not feeling it so deeply in love nor do you have any love for her. So one of two things you going to have to do. One this type of relationship seems to be more for fun, then a real relationship. Second you both are at school still so that focus should be on completing it so you can move on to the next level like get high paying job. But in the main-time your both are not ready for marriage and she well has doubt already in this relationship and you too. But you can't see the signs because school and your life is already complex. Don't get so worked up over this. Back off and play it by ear. If you can't do that then move on and work on your studies. Thanks for your thoughts. Ideally I would play it by ear but I worry about hurting her worse or making things messier by waiting and bringing her to a new city. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 Thanks for your reply. I do understand that the initial "in love"/lust feelings fade in most relationships but I'm concerned at the rate in which it has happened. Especially when I can't point a finger at any one circumstance. We rarely fight and see eye-to-eye on mostly everything. I wonder if I'm being selfish. I want her to be happy and I know for her that means being with me. If we were to separate now I feel like it would give her the best chance to recover and find someone to love her like she deserves. Is it better to accept that a marriage doesn't work early on? Or hold on hope and possibly fail several years later when things will be more messy (with the possibility that things could get better)? Honestly, if you have such doubts now, why on earth would you consider marriage? Marriage shouldn't be gone into lightly and boy does it cost to get divorced let alone all the emotional baggage that surrounds it. Why do you think things could get better years later? Sounds to me that at some point it sounds like one of those ladies will catch your eye and you'll end up in an affair. Surely if you are unhappy and cannot fix it with your girlfriend it is better to end it sooner rather than later? Link to post Share on other sites
DivorcedDad123 Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 No matter who you're with,how hot they are,how attracted you are to them, there will ALWAYS be someone hotter or more attractive. I"ve said it before, love is a choice,once you get passed the honeymoon stage. You either choose to love someone,or you don't. It's not exciting. It's not butterfly feelings. It's real life love. I'd recommend that you sit down by yourself and write all of the positive attributes she has. Write down the negatives as well. Study those two lists and determine if you think that out there somewhere, there is someone better for you. If you think there is, then let this girl go so that she can find someone who the good outweighs the bad with. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 When we first started dating I couldn't keep my hands off her. We'd have sex 4+ times per week with both of us having equally high libidos. I would say around the 2 year mark this started to drop off and I take full responsibility. I think I made excuses for myself and her such as: not showered, tired, busy. I think I believed it myself. She has remained highly interested in me sexually and I have felt awful turning her down. I would say we have had sex around 2-3 times/month in the last year. If the issues are as described, then I think there's two problem areas: 1). Your expectations. Your focus is on what's missing rather than what's there. And, by your actions, you've (perhaps subconsciously) done many things to undermine the trust and bond that's behind the type of relationship you say you want. To paraphrase, you've seen the enemy and it's you. 2). 9 years of school. Seen it with my own kids, the long school and graduate programs some fields require are an extended adolescence. You two haven't even faced the challenges and excitement of the real world - career, house, family, etc. - and you're ready to pull the plug after a year of marriage. Sorry, but makes you seem somewhat shallow and immature. Don't think you need relationship advice as much as an introspective look (and possibly IC) at your approach to life and its challenges. They only get tougher from here... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
tobrieornottobrie Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 It sounds like you're having a difficult time and I'm sorry to hear that. Have you thought about trying marital counseling? Would your wife be open to that? Just something to think about that may prove helpful. Wishing you the best of luck. the brie's cheese knees Link to post Share on other sites
lovinDKT3 Posted December 31, 2014 Share Posted December 31, 2014 Question about your friends. Are they single, mostly? The reason I ask is because it sounds like you are feeling trapped. I'm not sure it has much to do with not being attracted to her and much as being tied down. Comments about her being motherly and boring leads me to think your missing the single life and she is in the way. If you believe in marriage as you say you do then you have to travel all roads to find a solution. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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