Spectre Posted January 14, 2015 Share Posted January 14, 2015 (edited) To be honest I do not see this as unreasonable at all. People make the mistake of saying "oh the nephews did nothing" which is 100% true, but also 100% irrelevant. The thing is, the nephews being involved with the H's life obviously cause triggers for the OP. So it is really that simple, it's unfortunate, but if the nephews trigger stuff then they have to go. The H can explain to them how his actions lead to all this, but either way: his wife is more important then the nephews. If a person cheats and expects forgiveness they need to do WHATEVER they can to minimize triggers. The H can't control if the OP see's something on tv or hears a lyric in a song that causes her to trigger, but he sure as hell can control whether or not the nephews are in his life. It sucks that they are close to him and have to lose him, but then he should of thought of that before he cheated with your sister in law. So I support you, especially since I am always for anytime a cheater has to experience actual consequences for their behavior other then a mere rough patch in their relationship. Suffering actual consequences beyond "things were tense for a bit with the person I cheated on" might help prevent this behavior from being repeated. Next time the dude thinks about cheating he can think about how he felt having to cut these people out of his life. So yeah sorry, no support for him here...don't do the crime if you can't do the time. Edited January 14, 2015 by Spectre 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author merrmeade Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 God, I love you guys. Link to post Share on other sites
Author merrmeade Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 Merrmeade, I am so sorry to read your post. Can I ask why you want to be with him? What is stopping you kicking his a$$ to the kerb?Good question which I'm not going to work on answering today because I am finally on my feet and moving. Whether it's because of yours and the other posts, caffeine, healthy anger or random factors, I am moving and about TO VACUUM. This is good. Doing anything is better than one more hour of immobility for any reason, even posting on LS. So I'll get back to this. Promise. I've also decided to pick a time later today to say what you all have suggested to him. No executorship and he can give any reason he wants - short of blaming me. I'll encourage him to 'fess up to his dying sister mainly because the gift of her love and forgiveness I am 100% sure will be the most beautiful, important redemption that anyone can give him. Even me. But it is still true and would be good for all the right reasons. Redemption is only redemption when someone's Grace is important to you. The fact that the narcissistic schmuck doesn't respect or understand what makes me worth of his love and respect is his loss and I will NOT be destroyed by it. Obviously it should be my forgiveness. I know this and ultimately really don't care. He's an SOB and she's a bit loony neurotic. The fact, also, that I am able to want this for him also makes him even more of a self-centered a--hole. But that is old information. Besides, he won't do it. He doesn't understand and doesn't have the character or belief in himself to think that she will still love him the same way if he gives her the truth. I will say all these things to him (well, maybe not the "doesn't have the character" parts) and then it is up to him. But I don't think he'll do it. He's a complete poser and will not believe that she can love the real person inside. Anyway, back to ME. I'm going to show him all these things - once again. And give him the choice of a better life, an honest life that includes doing right by me. He probably will see it as blackmail and I will have to be strong and stay true to myself in the face of that. THat is where it gets hard. So regardless of what I said, I still spent half an hour sitting. I am now officially going to vacuum. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 (edited) One thing I'm curious about, you say he cheated with your sister in law. So I assume this means that is your brothers wife. Does your brother know about the cheating? What was his response? I realize you said he is in a nursing home. Edited January 15, 2015 by Spectre Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 It's hard to admit, harder to encourage, especially realizing that they do not know me and do not care to. What they do know is from family stories and these are slanted by others' bias. My brother always treated me as the goofy little sister. My H doesn't sing anyone's praises, and SIL, of course, would not have been charitable. I've heard myself ridiculed through the family stories the nephews do recount and see no interest on their parts in changing the profile they have in their minds. In one of my SIL's emails to my husband, she wrote that he was the "one family member who has consistently been there for me." That is what my nephews heard; that is what has touched them. That he is their 'uncle' because of me is incidental. So be it. Your nephews by blood are adults that were turned against you by their mother because she was cheating with your husband as her own husband (your brother) was dying. She encouraged them to treat your husband as their father, and to treat you badly, because she was trying to steal your husband away. Their close relationship with your husband was used to justify additional contact that help the affair, and could be used to do so again. As adults they do not need to be in your husband's life, especially since they have made the choice as adults to flat out ignore you. They are not treating you like family so they have no right to expect you to treat them like family. They are and act like your husband's affair partner's adult children, and should be treated accordingly by you and your husband. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author merrmeade Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 Your nephews by blood are adults that were turned against you by their mother because she was cheating with your husband as her own husband (your brother) was dying. She encouraged them to treat your husband as their father, and to treat you badly, because she was trying to steal your husband away. Their close relationship with your husband was used to justify additional contact that help the affair, and could be used to do so again. As adults they do not need to be in your husband's life, especially since they have made the choice as adults to flat out ignore you. They are not treating you like family so they have no right to expect you to treat them like family. They are and act like your husband's affair partner's adult children, and should be treated accordingly by you and your husband.Wow. I really need that spelled out this way. That's nailing. it. I knew there was more to this than just a 'trigger,' and you've taken my unarticulated fears and labeled them. Yes, she encouraged them to treat my H as a father figure. She didn't encourage them to do anything to me at first because I was absent so much, but when I stayed and then called her out for having had an affair with my husband everything changed. The most diplomatic thing they could say to me was that there was a conflict between the two of us, as if we were adversaries with equal grievances. Yes, she clearly contemplated stealing him, even asked if we planned to split up at one point. No, they are not treating me like family. They seem to have decided that my husband deserves that treatment more than I do. And this is the best line: "They are and act like your husband's affair partner's adult children, and should be treated accordingly by you and your husband." I wish I weren't so slow with these things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author merrmeade Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 One thing I'm curious about, you say he cheated with your sister in law. So I assume this means that is your brothers wife. Does your brother know about the cheating? What was his response? I realize you said he is in a nursing home.My brother had a massive stroke five years ago that left him unable to walk, stand or eat. He could move one arm a little and could talk with some difficulty. He chose to live in a nursing home that was near our father and the family vacation home but was six hours from the home he'd lived in with his wife and kids. They visited a couple of times a month and stayed in the family vacation home where my husband was living. My father died a year after my brother's stroke. After discussing the affair with my brother's care manager, I decided it would not be in his best interest to tell him. There was nothing he could do about it, and he already had nothing. If he'd divorced her, he would have died an even sadder, lonlier man than he already was as a quadriplegic who listened to books on tape all day every day. I was so lonely and isolated myself right after D-day that I finally confided in my brother that my husband had had an affair and I needed to talk to someone about it. He asked if I knew the AP and I said not really, feeling that it was not a lie because I really did not know her any more. That was two and a half years ago. He died a few months ago believiing that his family loved him. Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 (edited) They visited a couple of times a month and stayed in the family vacation home where my husband was living. Wow, so even knowing that their mother and your husband were having an affair when these nephews stayed with your husband and their mother at the family vacation home to visit with their sick father, had no impact on them treating your husband as a father figure? Wow that is just sick. Edited January 16, 2015 by Try 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Selfish Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Thought I'd poke my head in here after all because honestly, your opinion of me matters little in my day to day life as I am sure my opinion about anything matters to you at all. If you were talkig children or your nephews were in support of you and your husband and treated you with respect I would say it is wrong and selfish to end the relationship between your family and him. But that is simply not the case. They are adults and capable of making adult descisions. They are not friends of your marriage and therefore should have no part of your life. Your husband should not continue a relationship with them. Not if he truly wants to reconcile with you. But if you have no plans to reconcile no matter what and are merely biding your time then I don't see the point of asking for him to end the relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 They are not friends of your marriage and therefore should have no part of your life. This right here is a very good point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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