Facebook Pictures

[earlymorningshakes]

Yes, I know I should not be looking. But I creeped onto his wife's Facebook and she had put up new pictures from Christmas. He's claiming to be working on leaving but he sure doesn't look all that unhappy in her picture. And she sure doesn't look like someone who is in the process of losing her husband.

 

 

I want to say something to him SO bad, but all I've been doing is griping at him at how I am doubting that he is ever going to leave.

[Blu72]

Stop creeping FB...nothing good comes of it. Not to mention they have every right to post family pics at the holidays. That would be none of your business to be honest.

[Art_Critic]

EMS, you are in control of your own destiny, if what you saw on those FB pictures is real life then take them at face value and never speak to the man again, don't let him do this to you..

[Rainbowlove]

Do you want to be a creeper? Do you want to stalk someone through cyberspace?

 

We are adults. Time to start behaving like one. Don't stoop to this level.

 

Pick yourself up and hold your head up high and move on from him. Don't wait around wondering if he's leaving. We don't work on leaving someone, we simply leave. He hasn't.

 

That's all you need to know.

 

Let go for you. Let go.

[Broom]

Yes, I know I should not be looking. But I creeped onto his wife's Facebook and she had put up new pictures from Christmas. He's claiming to be working on leaving but he sure doesn't look all that unhappy in her picture. And she sure doesn't look like someone who is in the process of losing her husband.

 

 

I want to say something to him SO bad, but all I've been doing is griping at him at how I am doubting that he is ever going to leave.

 

 

Of course it is unlikely that he will ever leave. I do not know the specifics of your R, but it is just not likely.

 

And you better believe that he is not 100% truthful with you in the same manner that he is lying to his W. He is telling whatever lies he needs to tell to maintain BOTH Rs.

 

That is what he wants to be his status quo. He wants BOTH, and it will never be you.

[nikki76]

People only post the happy pictures on Facebook. And from experience, just because your smiling, doesnt mean youre happy.

 

But, you cant look at their Facebook. Its not going to do anything but make your mind wander.

[october87]

Do you want to be a creeper? Do you want to stalk someone through cyberspace?

 

We are adults. Time to start behaving like one. Don't stoop to this level.

 

Pick yourself up and hold your head up high and move on from him. Don't wait around wondering if he's leaving. We don't work on leaving someone, we simply leave. He hasn't.

 

That's all you need to know.

 

Let go for you. Let go.

 

Forget the FB pictures, the bolded is everything. During my affair, sure the thought popped in my head to leave but I never felt any urge to do anything real about it, I was not that unhappy to change my life around--thus I did not truly wish to leave and be with this other person.

 

And besides how you "work on leaving someone" is done through a divorce attorney, figuring out custody and assests <<<<that's how you work on leaving someone. "Working to leave someone" does not include pretending to be a happy family man while your spouse is completely oblivious.

 

That's cake eating.

Edited December 30, 2014 by october87

[Broom]

During my affair, sure the thought popped in my head to leave but I never felt any urge to do anything real about it, I was not that unhappy to change my life around--thus I did not truly wish to leave and be with this other person.

 

This is the conundrum of being the OW/OM.

 

If you are engaging in the A and doing your job as a OW/OM too well, your AP has no real incentive to leave or change anything.

 

You are giving them everything, low drama, while they can maintain their other life. They have no real reason to want to shake things up and try to split from their W/H. Why would they?

 

As a general rule, no one is going to make life harder on themselves to achieve the same result. If you're already giving them all the benefits they require while they still can be married, they really don't have a strong motivation to leave.

 

That is the catch. You actually have to highlight their need for you and make them see how it would be without those benefits. And that means you have to give them up for just a chance at really getting all of them.

[october87]

Of course it is unlikely that he will ever leave. I do not know the specifics of your R, but it is just not likely.

 

And you better believe that he is not 100% truthful with you in the same manner that he is lying to his W. He is telling whatever lies he needs to tell to maintain BOTH Rs.

 

That is what he wants to be his status quo. He wants BOTH, and it will never be you.

 

I agree with this 100%. In my case, I was already lying to the man I commited myself to, been together with since I was 18, had a child with and plan to marry. So what was the big deal to lie to this other person who wasn't even close to having what I had invested with my BF? OW/OM need to understand that. It's kinda like, if you will tell a little lie, you will tell a big one. If he is lying to her, why can't he be lying to you? Is that so unheard of and absurd? Not really. It's actually very plausible.

 

Is it possible he told you he was leaving to get you off his back? You said you were pressuring him (not sure your exact words).

[Karmacharm]

Yes, I know I should not be looking. But I creeped onto his wife's Facebook and she had put up new pictures from Christmas. He's claiming to be working on leaving but he sure doesn't look all that unhappy in her picture. And she sure doesn't look like someone who is in the process of losing her husband.

 

 

I want to say something to him SO bad, but all I've been doing is griping at him at how I am doubting that he is ever going to leave.

 

You're human, you creeped.

 

 

But, to put it straight out there, if things were that bad at home, he would leave. Think about it.

[Satu]

I want to say something to him SO bad, but all I've been doing is griping at him at how I am doubting that he is ever going to leave.

 

You were sold a fantasy and you bought it.

 

The relationship you have with this person is the relationship you have with this person.

 

It will never transform into the fantasy you paid for.

[MissBee]

What steps is he taking to leave? Has he explained with any proof what he's actually doing towards that end or is it just him saying he's going to leave with nothing to back it up?

 

If this is an affair that you want to turn into more you have every right to question his progress. Of you don't feel you can candidly ask him how the process is going and for a time frame then that is already a bad sign. Most times if we're scared to ask certain questions is because our gut already knows the answer.

 

It is common to the point of cliche that many MM claim to be leaving and never do and just make excuses while living their lives so I'd not be surprised if he's doing that as well. Therefore, to make sure you're not on the other end of him stalling and stringing you along, talk to him, be upfront about what you want and need and ask him to be transparent about the steps. If he can't or won't do it then he's showing you what you need to know and it's up to you to make your decision.

 

While I agree that FB creeping is mostly self torture and you can't necessarily ascertain all details from it, it does give some insight and may show that things aren't as MM says. So in that way it might be useful but really you need to be frank with him and ask him the hard questions and expect proof and not just his word.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Peeking at Facebook is a near unbeatable temptation, but the sooner you stop, the better off you are.

 

And, remember always, it is Facebook. A supericial means of putting only what you want others to see, expect to see, and only the best edit of it. Even if they were having problems, here's guessing she wouldn't share it on their Christmas photos.

 

While I wouldn't necessarily discount what you saw on FB, I wouldn't take it to be the be all and end all that defines what must be going on at home. My MM's wife smeared all sorts of love, happiness, and rainbows on her FB page about how brilliantly happy she was and they were. The reality was very different.

 

I think my favorite was when we went on vacation about a year after he had left and they seperated. She went to FB and uploaded dozens of pictures of them at thes ame destination from 5 years before and made it seem like they were taken live. We got back and to most everybody thought hhe went on vacation with her, not me.

 

Heck, even now she has pictures up from Christmas that look like they had a great, all-day holiday together at her house. The reality is he was there for 10 minutes, watched the kids open two big gifts, then they left and rhe kids spent the rest of the day with us.

Edited December 30, 2014 by Redheaded Mistress

[coolheadal]

Pictures tell a different family life. So your involved with a marriage man who told you he was leaving his wife for you right? But you see the FB pictures tell you the truth. I would back-off from Mr Cheater and wait until he does what he has promise you. But that might never happen at this rate. Mr. Cheater wants 2 women in his life: Him + Wife + You (on the side) Is this what you want out of this so called relationship with a Cheater. How do you know it won't happen to you down the road with him. Once they cheat, they always cheat. They can't help it! Its like excitement challenge if they can get away with it.

[Tullyseptember]

Facebook I find can be dangerous by the person who is doing the looking. I was completely guilty of this! Sure there are posters who post incredibly inappropriate postings but for myself I find the assumptions I made on posts could be just as bad. I now have a very limited amount of people on my friend list, not very many status updates to see and I'm not looking at people's pages and posts that I barely knew back in high school or even people that I have lost touch with over the years. I even had a few of my kids friends on my list and removed them, it just didn’t seem appropriate in my mind to have them as "friends". Life without Facebook has been quite freeing! You know what else can be freeing? Remove MM from your "friendlist" and let him figure out his life on his own. Make yourself top priority and only allow people in your life who are authentic/real and enhance your life not stress it

[bentleychic]

We don't work on leaving someone, we simply leave. He hasn't.

 

As someone that left a 17 year marriage, there is no "simply" about leaving. It's never just as simple as walking out the door if you have any amount of time, children, assets, etc. together. If you still have any positive feelings or responsibility towards the other spouse, even more so. It took me several months to get my stuff together (literal stuff and mental, financial, etc.) and get out once I finally decided for sure that I could take no more and that was after 10+ years of our marriage really and truly being DEAD.

 

You can claim whatever you like about married people not leaving for A partners, but the above I know for a FACT and mine didn't involve an A to make things even more confusing.

 

As for the OP, they don't call it FAKEbook for nothing. Right after d-day, my MM's W put a great picture of the two of them together in her profile. Even though they were barely speaking and when they did, it was yelling. He was sleeping on the couch, etc., etc. For some people, it's all about status quo and keeping up the "appearance" of a happy family.

[earlymorningshakes]

As someone that left a 17 year marriage, there is no "simply" about leaving. It's never just as simple as walking out the door if you have any amount of time, children, assets, etc. together. If you still have any positive feelings or responsibility towards the other spouse, even more so. It took me several months to get my stuff together (literal stuff and mental, financial, etc.) and get out once I finally decided for sure that I could take no more and that was after 10+ years of our marriage really and truly being DEAD.

 

You can claim whatever you like about married people not leaving for A partners, but the above I know for a FACT and mine didn't involve an A to make things even more confusing.

 

As for the OP, they don't call it FAKEbook for nothing. Right after d-day, my MM's W put a great picture of the two of them together in her profile. Even though they were barely speaking and when they did, it was yelling. He was sleeping on the couch, etc., etc. For some people, it's all about status quo and keeping up the "appearance" of a happy family.

 

 

 

Thank you so much for this post. I did confront him about his lack of movement two weeks ago and he went into depth on the things he needed to work on (the house, splitting of finances, etc.) and also gave me an estimate time frame...but I'm impatient and want it to happen now. I left my husband in one day about a year ago, but I also didn't have to worry about any of that stuff.

 

 

I agree on the FAKEbook business, but I could tell that is was taken just the other day, so it's bothering me quite a bit.

[bentleychic]

All I can say is only hold him to the time frame if you seriously mean it. I gave mine time frames and I didn't stick to them. So of course the next time, he didn't take me seriously. He did have several serious health issues come up during that time which delayed things, but still...

[FusionCutter]

Going on Facebook to stalk is akin to driving to your MM's house and watching him get out of his car with his wife, kiss and get in the door.

 

It's just not worth it.

 

Exercise the self-control to not look his social media. You only stab yourself.

[SoftViolin]

Dear OP,

 

Whether or not this picture was taken in a truly happy family moment, or they were simply smiling for a camera after a fight, you will never know. But you will always remain with this feeling of doubt, with this feeling of an outsider looking in.

 

Whether he is happy or not, he is celebrating holidays with his family and people around him, and you are sitting on a computer facebook stalking him and wishing him with you. This is the only reality in this situation, and you need to decide whether you are going to be ok with this being your reality now, in a month, in a year - if he doesn't leave his spouse. And if he leaves her, and even comes to you, there will still be family get-togethers, meetings, weddings, kids' birthdays that he will spend there and you will still be looking in.

 

I sense from the tone of your posts that you are still trying to see this through, hoping it will work out. Please keep posting here and keep these things in the back of your mind. Affairs are dirty business and by the time all is said and done, it's rare that anyone of the involved parties comes out untarnished. But the worst thing to tarnish is your own self-respect, so protect that.

 

Best of luck to you!

[Rainbowlove]

As someone that left a 17 year marriage, there is no "simply" about leaving. It's never just as simple as walking out the door if you have any amount of time, children, assets, etc. together. If you still have any positive feelings or responsibility towards the other spouse, even more so. It took me several months to get my stuff together (literal stuff and mental, financial, etc.) and get out once I finally decided for sure that I could take no more and that was after 10+ years of our marriage really and truly being DEAD

 

As someone who also walked out on a 17 year marriage, you do just leave. Internally, yes, you struggle. It hurts like hell, but when it comes time to go, you walk or you don't.

 

He is either buying time with he needs to work stuff out or bull Sh itting the situation.

 

Because when you are "really" leaving, it ain't pretty. When you are "really" leaving, you have to leave.

 

No amount of planning can prepare anyone for it. Maybe it takes months to emotionally "get there" but it doesn't take months to work out logistics.

 

He's either stalling or not leaving.

[Karmacharm]

As someone who also walked out on a 17 year marriage, you do just leave. Internally, yes, you struggle. It hurts like hell, but when it comes time to go, you walk or you don't.

 

He is either buying time with he needs to work stuff out or bull Sh itting the situation.

 

Because when you are "really" leaving, it ain't pretty. When you are "really" leaving, you have to leave.

 

No amount of planning can prepare anyone for it. Maybe it takes months to emotionally "get there" but it doesn't take months to work out logistics.

 

He's either stalling or not leaving.

\

 

 

I couldn't of said it better myself.

[whichwayisup]

Has he seen a lawyer yet? Made a real plan?

 

He isn't just gonna up and leave his wife and kids, then move in with you, start a new life and you two get married and live happily ever after. Life doesn't work that way. They have financial stuff to divide, custody arrangements, he'll be paying spousal and child support, as well as having to deal with and face his in laws, his own family and friends about why he's leaving his family for an OW.

 

Put a time limit on this and if he hasn't made any changes, you've not seen actual proof of him leaving, then end it. You don't wanna be posting here by summer's end saying he told me he can't leave yet...*insert 101 excuses MM tell their OW why they can't/won't leave..*

 

You could end your affair, sexual part of it at least and tell him no more of that until he is officially divorced. Don't see him, and only contact is through email (not text or facebook). This way you get to detach and focus on you and your own life instead of waiting for him.

[Bootsie]

Thank you so much for this post. I did confront him about his lack of movement two weeks ago and he went into depth on the things he needed to work on (the house, splitting of finances, etc.) and also gave me an estimate time frame...but I'm impatient and want it to happen now. I left my husband in one day about a year ago, but I also didn't have to worry about any of that stuff.

 

 

I agree on the FAKEbook business, but I could tell that is was taken just the other day, so it's bothering me quite a bit.

 

 

Does his wife know that he/they are both working on such things as the house, splitting of finances custody of kids etc. If not why not?

 

 

If she doesn't yet know, then I'd say he isn't very genuine. For example married people cannot split the finances, work out which of them will be living in the house, and arrange any sort of shared custody of children, on their own, without input from the other spouse. Or, is he planning on stealing her share of assets from her, leaving her in the lurch with nowhere to live, with or without the kids, abandoning them all, or just throwing her and the kids out?

 

 

To protect yourself you do need to ask these things as what he's capable of doing to his wife and kids he's capable of doing to you. I'm an attorney and have seen it all...

[AmyBamy]

Meh. People all over the world pretend to be okay and present an image to the public in marriages. I wouldn't read too much into it. Unless they are hanging all over each other and making out in the pictures - it's not that hard to post a smile on for a quick snapshot or two with the family. I have pictures of my exH and I during our separation that look like we are the perfect couple. We were at each other's throats during that time.