Facebook Pictures

[bentleychic]

As someone who also walked out on a 17 year marriage, you do just leave. Internally, yes, you struggle. It hurts like hell, but when it comes time to go, you walk or you don't.

 

He is either buying time with he needs to work stuff out or bull Sh itting the situation.

 

Because when you are "really" leaving, it ain't pretty. When you are "really" leaving, you have to leave.

 

No amount of planning can prepare anyone for it. Maybe it takes months to emotionally "get there" but it doesn't take months to work out logistics.

 

He's either stalling or not leaving.

 

The fact that you and I were both in 17 year marriages and have totally different situations only shows that not everyone is the same. You say yes, you just walk. I say no, it's not that easy. I'm not saying that to make anyone feel better. I'm saying it b/c that was the case for me. I left my marriage with children and I had to get a lot in to place before leaving was even possible. It took 3 months for me to finally settle a place for us to get in to by the time I was positive I was leaving, told now exH that I was leaving, etc. It wasn't b/c I didn't want to. I wanted to be gone long before that. It was simply because I was unable to do to finances, needing to find a house big enough for my family/kids, saving enough money for first and last months rent, etc.

 

So great for you that it was easy. Woohoo! Congrats! It's NOT that easy for many people.

Edited December 31, 2014 by bentleychic

[goodyblue]

The fact that you and I were both in 17 year marriages and have totally different situations only shows that not everyone is the same. You say yes, you just walk. I say no, it's not that easy. I'm not saying that to make anyone feel better. I'm saying it b/c that was the case for me. I left my marriage with children and I had to get a lot in to place before leaving was even possible. It took 3 months for me to finally settle a place for us to get in to by the time I was positive I was leaving, told now exH that I was leaving, etc. It wasn't b/c I didn't want to. I wanted to be gone long before that. It was simply because I was unable to do to finances, needing to find a house big enough for my family/kids, saving enough money for first and last months rent, etc.

 

So great for you that it was easy. Woohoo! Congrats! It's NOT that easy for many people.

 

My guy didn't just 'up and walk' either. He had a lot of things he needed to handle before he left. But I did give a time frame, not on when he had to leave but on how long I was willing to wait. If he had not followed through I would have walked.

 

As far as FB, there were pictures of my guy and his wife in Hawaii two months before he left and they looked fine, until I saw actual video and I (probably I was the only one) could see how miserable he was. Even at that time he was preparing his exit. Don't put to much into it. But let this be a wake up call to make sure he is being genuine with you. I think it is ok to let him know you are sick of his indecision. It does not make you a bad person to want to end the charade. Just make sure that you understand you can't give lots of ultimatums and then back down.

 

When my guy's ex found the bat phone I was in a grocery and he said he needed a break for a day or so to figure out what to do. I said: eh, if you need a break let's just break up, why wait. And hung up. We were on hiatus for the exact amount of time it took him to dial my number forty times in a row. He left that evening. But my timeline was about what I could handle. It was about me and my needs, not him.

 

 

Chin up.

[anika99]

The fact that you and I were both in 17 year marriages and have totally different situations only shows that not everyone is the same. You say yes, you just walk. I say no, it's not that easy. I'm not saying that to make anyone feel better. I'm saying it b/c that was the case for me. I left my marriage with children and I had to get a lot in to place before leaving was even possible. It took 3 months for me to finally settle a place for us to get in to by the time I was positive I was leaving, told now exH that I was leaving, etc. It wasn't b/c I didn't want to. I wanted to be gone long before that. It was simply because I was unable to do to finances, needing to find a house big enough for my family/kids, saving enough money for first and last months rent, etc.

 

So great for you that it was easy. Woohoo! Congrats! It's NOT that easy for many people.

 

 

The primary concern for women who are divorcing are the children and their well being. Nobody wants to see their kids suffering because mom made the decision to divorce. If the mom has always been the primary care giver then she probably has the lower income between her and her husband or possibly no income at all. This makes leaving with the kids much more difficult and much more of a process. I agree that in this situation actually leaving can take a considerable amount of time.

 

 

However this doesn't apply to the OP as her MM does not have children with his wife and since neither he nor his wife have children I suspect they are both self sufficient. He doesn't have to spend sleepless nights worried about what will happen to his kids because he doesn't have any. By the sounds of it all he has done is told the OP that he wants to leave but other than that there's been no action. I think the OP should be very wary.

[Redheaded Mistress]

My divorce was the easiest divorce in recorded history. No kids, no disagreements on any settlements or property, but it still required some prep work that prevented me from just up and leaving. I had no money, I didn't even have a working car or a place to live.

 

Even in our situation where there was no kids and we agreed on everything, it wasn't a simple case of picking up and walking out the door with a wave.

 

That said, when I told my MM that I was preparing to leave, my husband at the time knew I was too. He knew that lack of money, no place to go, and no working car and that I couldn't leave at the drop of a hat. It wasn't a secret to either of us.

 

I don't necessarily think that his not charging out the door is a warning sign if he's saying he's working on leaving, but I think if she doesn't know he's working his way out, that's a huge warning sign. It means he's taking assets and cutting-and-running, which isn't OK, or he's sitting still, which means he's feeding a line in the hopes you won't press the issue or it buys him another day, week, month, year, decade of this situation.

[october87]

I know the post is about these FB pictures but since everyone else is talking about if the MM will leave so...

 

I have one question...What happened with the ultimatum you gave him a few weeks ago?

 

Did he do as you asked and that's why you're back in contact? You are snooping on his wife's FB so I am guessing the ultimatum didn't work in your favor?

 

Also I am under the impression that ultimatum is a "piss or get off the pot" type of thing. If he hasn't done what you asked, why are you in contact?

 

This will only weaken any future attempts at issuing ultimatums, he won't take it serious.

[Rainbowlove]

No one said leaving was easy. Please, don't put words in my mouth. We are all trying to support the OP.

 

Some advice, don't pressure him. Don't give him a deadline or ultimatum. This just makes the situation more stressful for all.

 

Instead, tell him you are going on with your life. If he leaves, he knows where to find you. If not, you wish him happiness.

 

Good luck. Stay off FB.

[october87]

Yes, I know I should not be looking. But I creeped onto his wife's Facebook and she had put up new pictures from Christmas. He's claiming to be working on leaving but he sure doesn't look all that unhappy in her picture. And she sure doesn't look like someone who is in the process of losing her husband.

 

 

I want to say something to him SO bad, but all I've been doing is griping at him at how I am doubting that he is ever going to leave.

 

Not to mention you issued him an ultimatum that you didn't stick to

 

Sticking to your guns could have made all the difference.

[Tullyseptember]

Rainbow/Bentley, it is admirable that both of you chose to change your lives regardless of how long or short it took to come to the decision to do so. It is very brave. Breaking a union between two people is so very difficult. I found even though that decision to leave in my situation was the right one to better the lives of myself and more importantly my children's that even nine years after my divorce I still feel pain at times, it's not as fresh of course it's just that 22 years together had a lot of impact for me and of course for my ex-H. My decision to leave how and when I did appeared very quick, the lead up to that day really took years to do so. Each person who leaves a relationship does so in their own way and their own timing. It's a very personal decision that impacts each person greatly.

 

Earlymorning regardless of what you see on Facebook the decision to leave or not is one the MM will need to make on his own. You don't need to be there for the push and pull that will occur with him during this time. Do you really want to give someone a deadline/timeline to end their marriage when there will be so many more issues to deal with when the marriage does end. This part will not be easy, dealing with the aftermath of leaving and trying to be in another relationship with no break. The consequences will be difficult and a Facebook posting will be the least of your worries.

 

Please enjoy your New Year’s Earlymorning and do for you what will see you healthy and happy in this New Year

[FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT]

[Poppy47]

I have left a marriage before although it had nothing to do with an affair.

 

It is a very difficult thing to do.

 

If somebody wants to leave, they will. YOu are right Tully. It is difficult enough without being somebody pushing you from the outside.

 

Poppy

[Bootsie]

Does his wife know that he/they are both working on such things as the house, splitting of finances custody of kids etc. If not why not?

 

 

If she doesn't yet know, then I'd say he isn't very genuine. For example married people cannot split the finances, work out which of them will be living in the house, and arrange any sort of shared custody of children, on their own, without input from the other spouse. Or, is he planning on stealing her share of assets from her, leaving her in the lurch with nowhere to live, with or without the kids, abandoning them all, or just throwing her and the kids out?

 

 

To protect yourself you do need to ask these things as what he's capable of doing to his wife and kids he's capable of doing to you. I'm an attorney and have seen it all...

 

My divorce was the easiest divorce in recorded history. No kids, no disagreements on any settlements or property, but it still required some prep work that prevented me from just up and leaving. I had no money, I didn't even have a working car or a place to live.

 

Even in our situation where there was no kids and we agreed on everything, it wasn't a simple case of picking up and walking out the door with a wave.

 

That said, when I told my MM that I was preparing to leave, my husband at the time knew I was too. He knew that lack of money, no place to go, and no working car and that I couldn't leave at the drop of a hat. It wasn't a secret to either of us.

 

I don't necessarily think that his not charging out the door is a warning sign if he's saying he's working on leaving, but I think if she doesn't know he's working his way out, that's a huge warning sign. It means he's taking assets and cutting-and-running, which isn't OK, or he's sitting still, which means he's feeding a line in the hopes you won't press the issue or it buys him another day, week, month, year, decade of this situation.

 

 

I've bolded what I think is important. Earlymorning, does his wife know they are breaking up or not? It's the single most important factor in my opinion.

[Bootsie]

The OP hasn't answered about whether or not the MM's wife knows they are splitting up.

 

 

While it's certainly possible for couples to divorce/split without the agreement of one of the spouses, it's virtually impossible to divorce while keeping one of them in the dark about it.

[AmyBamy]

Most people don't inform the spouse as soon as they decide to leave. They get their ducks in a row first and THEN tell the spouse and leave. It takes planning and figuring things out and in the meantime, they do try to keep the status quo - including taking pictures at gatherings and such. His wife probably doesn't know yet and that's exactly normal. I didn't tell my ex husband until I had everything I needed lined up in the way I needed it to be to survive at least. Because I knew that once I told him that I could not control his actions and reactions and I wanted to make sure that I had a survival defense already in place and I did and it worked. He immediately tried to take all of our money and make it unavailable to me, but I had saved up enough on my own separately that he couldn't do that and render me financially unable to go. That was only one very small simple part of it all. Nothing is fair in love and war and it was about self preservation from the very second I decided that I didn't want to be married to him anymore because I knew he wouldn't be looking out for me or my safety, only his.

 

And again I will say that there are pictures of he and I from during this time period and we were doing nothing but arguing and not having sex at all and in the picture we look like nothing but a content maybe even happy husband and wife. Nothing could be further from the "truth" that picture portrayed.

[bentleychic]

Shoot, the weekend before the kids and I moved out for good, my now exH and I had a babysitter watch the kids and went out for dinner and a concert. We were doing our best to part on good terms. And yes, he posted a picture of us on facebook from that night, too. Most people knew what was going on, though, including the fact that we'd been living under the same roof for three months, but not together (he lived in the bottom part of the house, I lived in the top).

 

I WAS involved with MM before I moved out (but after I told now exH that it was over between us and I was moving as soon as I found a place) and now exH knew it, but if MM had pushed me on why I didn't move out sooner, all it would have done is pissed me off b/c it wasn't for lack of trying. lol BUT he knew that my issues were finances and finding a place big enough for the kids and I (hard to do with my family size).

 

That never stopped me from fussing at MM about hurrying and getting out, but his M had no kids or financial issues involved. lol

[Donesharing]

Yes, I know I should not be looking. But I creeped onto his wife's Facebook and she had put up new pictures from Christmas. He's claiming to be working on leaving but he sure doesn't look all that unhappy in her picture. And she sure doesn't look like someone who is in the process of losing her husband.

 

 

I want to say something to him SO bad, but all I've been doing is griping at him at how I am doubting that he is ever going to leave.

 

Well, if he is like my xmm, he is lying to you and her. Mine took pictures and apologized to me when I saw them on FB. Said it was for the kids...blah, blah...guess what? Sept was d-day, I told her, and she acted like she was going to leave him. But, guess what happened. I got dumped in every way, he kissed her butt, and they have a brand new picture this week from Christmas. He picked her when it came down to it, and I am now nobody. They are liars. Don't fall for it. Mine gave a great story, and many promises. All Lies. But, now he is lying to her to stay. Or not, maybe not...either way she is with him and choose to stay. He picked her. I dodged a bullet.

[solostand]

I agree that it takes a lot of planning to leave a marriage, and the spouse to be left doesn't necessarily know anything until the last moment.

 

My brother recently left his wife of 25 years (for an OW). Shortly before he left, he and his wife went on a marriage encounter weekend and she even asked if they were okay, and he said yes. There are facebook pics galore from this time period. Then one day, he walked in the house, took his wedding ring off, and said "I can't do this anymore." He left that day.

 

Everyone (including myself) was shocked because everyone thought they had a model marriage. Everyone.

 

That was over six months ago, maybe nine, and he is solid that he is not returning.

[Doublegold]

I agree that FB and other social type sites can be brutal if you peek. I had access to their private email, her FB, all photo sharing accounts. It gave me one heck of a look into their world.

 

So when he told her he was not in love with her, she fell apart. She had proof right before her eyes years before me when she found an email account, and insisted on MC ( that was a joke). Last year or so she suspected he was in an affair. Very passive aggressive, would throw it out there in front of the kids, then act like nothing was ever said. Her one family member knew what he said to her, I saw it, I read it. So he wasn't lying or yanking my chain. I truly believe he could do anything and she would not divorce. She doesn't love him, I've seen those emails too. It's just about how things look. And she has an extremely high paying job, so fear of poverty is not one of her concerns.

 

She also, for the first time, posted a family pic from that weekends family wedding as her profile pic. He had her take it down within the hour. She knew he wants nothing to do with FB, but she tried to present a different picture then what was really going on. For her it is all about appearances, and failure is not an option.

 

I told him to change all the passwords. It was the best thing I could of done for myself. Sure sometimes I'm still curious, but I'm much healthier. I rarely think of her.

 

On the flip side I was married many many years. When I fell out of love I divorced him. We get along fine. The first two years was tough, but Ive never looked back and I have no regrets.

 

Take care OP and remember, things are rarely as they look on Social Media Sites. He has not taken a family vacation since we met, and she has an average of five a year with the kids. Meanwhile, he and I travel everywhere.

Edited January 1, 2015 by Doublegold