Career break taking a toll on my marriage

[heartbroken81]

I am a 33 year old, married to this really nice guy for the last 6 years. We also have a 2 year old baby girl. We both were doing jobs and out life was going smoothly. Until i decided to take a break from employment till our daughter is about 4 years and starts going to regular school.

 

Things have changed completely after i resigned from my job (which was anyway contractual and only 1 year was remaining in the contract). My husband comes from a family who are financially okay nothing great, his parents are pensioners and independent. However, they have this cheap and stingy mentality regarding money. All was fine untill i was also working 9 to 5 and bringing some money home. Now that i am not, my husband behaves funny with me, which is a mix of being disrespectful and sarcasm. It gives me a feeling that now since i do not bring in money i have no value as an individual. Half the thoughts are put into his head by his parents. Things like omg now you are the sole earner, all burden is on you and whats going to happen etc etc. his job is fantastic, he loves it and its a government job and we get all perks like home maintenance and medical etc etc. so its not like we are struggling. But this has not stopped him from being sarcastic by even saying things like 'what are you gonna do in life now'.

 

As about me, i have never given money that much importance. My parents have given me a lot which can take care of me for a lifetime. I love working also, but right now my frame of mind says that i need to be there with my daughter in her growing years and want to relax and enjoy this time as i have been doing job for more than a decade now.

 

However, the atmosphere at home is not allowing me to relax or enjoy. I feel like after 6 years of marriage also one decision of mine about taking a break from my career has altered the entire dynamics of the home. I feel sad and disturbed. I am not a money making machine. And just because i am taking a Break and not earning right now does not mean that my husband of 6 years should be sarcastic towards me or insult me or disrespect me as if i am worthy only if i am doing a job. Otherwise my feelings and my role does not count.

 

I have kept the post short so that you all help me. Please help me cope with this...

[pink_sugar]

Did you discuss these details with your husband prior to marriage? My husband and I have discussed in length what we would do in the event we would have children. Right now, since I would get ungodly bored to death staying at home and since childcare costs would be outrageous if we both worked, we might not be having kids. Kids are a huge financial burden and I wouldn't want to be in that situation. You both need to sit down and discuss your feelings and any other options you might have if he is uncomfortable with taking on the financial burden.

[Weezy1973]

OP, it sounds like you made the decision unilaterally. Was this the agreed upon plan between the two of you before you had children? Perhaps one of the things that attracted your husband to you was that you were employed and self-sufficient? What would your reaction have been if your husband just decided to take a "break" from employment?

 

It also sounds like the two of you share different values when it comes to money. Money is literally the number one conflict for couples and also the number one reason for divorce. These things need to be discussed prior to decisions being made.

[FitChick]

Why not compromise and put your child in daycare for half a day so she can get used to other children and learn to socialize? She can also build up her immune system because kids that age are always sick. You could either work from home during those hours or find part time work. If the work was related to what you used to do, it would help you stay current for future employment opportunities.

 

Otherwise tell your husband to stay home while you go to work. You just want one parent at home with her. Hey, why not have the grandparents watch her?

[4givrnt4gtr]

 

As about me, i have never given money that much importance. My parents have given me a lot which can take care of me for a lifetime. I love working also, but right now my frame of mind says that i need to be there with my daughter in her growing years and want to relax and enjoy this time as i have been doing job for more than a decade now.

 

I ran into this post and it caught my eye because I am in a similar situation except my husband is the one who took time off from work.

 

What I put in bold from your post is what possibly could be making your husband upset. I don't know your husband, clearly, but it sounds like he is a hard worker. Hard workers value hard work and it irks the crap out of us when fully able people want to spend their days relaxing and enjoying themselves. This is particularly true when your spouse is the one doing all the "relaxing" while you are working your tail end off.

 

Now, this may to even be about money at all. Even if you are financially independent, for someone who values work, seeing your spouse just "relaxing at home" is very unattractive because in our minds it equals laziness. Particularly if you are in the prime of your life (ie. 20-50) regardless of how much you think you've already worked.

 

However, the atmosphere at home is not allowing me to relax or enjoy. I feel like after 6 years of marriage also one decision of mine about taking a break from my career has altered the entire dynamics of the home. I feel sad and disturbed. I am not a money making machine.

 

No you are not a money making machine, but you ARE and adult with responsibilities and the ability to secure a decent financial future for you and your daughter. However, if by staying at home you are helping in building this future (by avoiding having to pay for child care for example) or you are actively doing something constructive (like taking classes to further your knowledge in any way or planning a new career path), then I'm sure his tone with you will change.

 

And just because i am taking a Break and not earning right now does not mean that my husband of 6 years should be sarcastic towards me or insult me or disrespect me as if i am worthy only if i am doing a job. Otherwise my feelings and my role does not count.

 

True, he has no right to be sarcastic or biting. Its on him to communicate clearly which he isn't doing.

 

When I was in his situation and I noticed my husband spent his days watching online videos, napping, etc I had a straight up talk with him. I said that he is a young man, with a bright future ahead. I hated seeing that going to waste and we both are way too young to be taking those kinds of breaks. He heard me out and started planning out his next career move and doing more productive things (started to write a book).

 

If you feel that staying at home is beneficial for both of you I suggest you tell him how is beneficial, not just say "i just want to relax". It would probably help if he knows you have a plan for this "break" to end at some point.

 

On his end, he needs to learn to state his concerns in a clear way, not just be passive aggressive.