She doesn't know what she wants

[CadeYeager]

For the past few months I've been flirting with a coworker of mine and she reciprocates as much as I'm willing to put out. There is one slight problem... she already has a boyfriend. Now I usually don't break the guy code by pursuing another guy's gf, but from what she says she isn't happy. At the same time I think she's too scared to outright leave him due to some level of care she has for him. Fair enough....

 

I backed off for a bit and every now and then on the days we work together, we'd have our "flirtatious" episodes. Well we got off at the same time last night and went to her car and talked for 1-2 hours.

 

Several times I would excuse myself to go home but she wouldn't persist that I stayed to talk more. The final time I decided to say my goodbyes, she ask for me to come back real quick. While doing so, she leaned in for a kiss which lasted for a good while. I was shocked. We finally left after that.

 

I new she would later feel bad about it. I received a text stating exactly that. She said she was confused and felt bad. But repeats that she wanted to do it again. At this point I'm getting pretty fed up trying to decipher what she is wanting from all of this. It's just that we have a pretty good connection.

 

I know the majority of opinions will tell me that if she can cheat now, she can cheat on me.

 

Other than that, what do you guys think I should do from here?

[oldshirt]

I am 50 years old now, have been happily married for 19 years and had had a number of LTRs as well as FWBs and hook ups prior to getting married.

 

If I could go back in time and change only one thing about my young and single days it would be that I would not concern myself with whether some gal I liked was dating someone or not. If I could step into the Way-Back Machine and go back, I would ask out whoever I was interested in and make an honest offer whether they were dating someone or not.

 

If some gal wanted to stay with whoever she was dating and not rock the boat, she can say no. If she says yes, then it wasn't that serious of a relationship to begin with.

 

In other words it's her responsibility to protect her R if she wants. ..and it's the other guys responsibility to kick your ass if he's willing to fight for her. If he's not, then he's not taking it seriously either.

 

Here's the thing, a lot of young, single women (and by a lot, I mean millions) are dating the person they are seeing just to be dating, they aren't really all that invested in it. They may be going out with some dude on weekends and txting when they go to bed at night but they still have their eye on the market and one foot out the door ready to monkey-swing the moment they get a better offer.

 

If you are not a better offer, they will graciously decline but may keep you in mind for when they do break up.

 

And if you are the better offer, they will monkey-swing to you.

 

My suggestion is make a valid offer and don't back down or make any apologies or concessions. If some pissed off jealous BF shows up, be upfront you ask out who you want and if she wants to go out with you, you'll take her out and show her a good time. If he wants to throw down, be prepared to stand your ground and defend yourself.

 

9.9 times out of 10, they'll huff and puff and then stomp off. If someone is serious about going to fisticuffs, that's the risk you incur.

 

Bottom line here is ask out who you are interested in and let them reject you if they want to be with the BF. Don't predisqualify yourself just because someone has Saturday night dates with someone.

[oldshirt]

Another point to made is the most desirable women are never completely free and single. Someone is always taking them out or orbiting around them thinking they are her BF.

 

If you try to wait untill they are free and clear, you are going to spend your life waiting.

 

Most attractive chicks have a number of guys orbiting on back up at any given time. When the current BF falls through she will monkey-swing to the next.

 

Usually there is a period of overlap and very rarely any time interval of being completely free and clear.

 

Think of women like fleas on a dog. They will jump from one living dog to the next living dog. They will not sit on a dead dog, nor will they jump onto the ground to wait for the next dog. They jump from one to the next.

 

The one they jump to is the one that makes the boldest and most solid offer.

[oldshirt]

Here's a few responses in bold to some points below...

 

 

 

For the past few months I've been flirting with a coworker of mine and she reciprocates as much as I'm willing to put out.

 

just for some background info to keep in the back of your head, the woman that will ultimately end up being "the one" is the woman that follows you into your world. Not leads you into hers.

 

 

 

There is one slight problem... she already has a boyfriend. Now I usually don't break the guy code by pursuing another guy's gf, but from what she says she isn't happy. At the same time I think she's too scared to outright leave him due to some level of care she has for him. Fair enough....

 

here's some insight from the wised. Women only complain about their relationships to two camps of men. One is their beta orbiters who they have solidly friend zoned that they whine to so they can hear the betas tell them how fabulous that they are and that the BF must be crazy to not lay down and die for her.

 

The other camp is the guys they want to ride like a big white horse.

 

 

 

I backed off for a bit and every now and then on the days we work together, we'd have our "flirtatious" episodes. Well we got off at the same time last night and went to her car and talked for 1-2 hours.

 

friendzoned beta orbitor or guy she wants to hit it with. Her actions will show which you are.

 

Several times I would excuse myself to go home but she wouldn't persist that I stayed to talk more. The final time I decided to say my goodbyes, she ask for me to come back real quick. While doing so, she leaned in for a kiss which lasted for a good while. I was shocked. We finally left after that.

 

 

that's the defining moment. Actions speak louder than words.

 

I new she would later feel bad about it. I received a text stating exactly that. She said she was confused and felt bad. But repeats that she wanted to do it again.

 

pay attention Grasshopper, this is a key moment. Her txt was a fitness test to determine if you have the giblets for her or not. She is not confused. She knows exactly what she is doing. That was a test to see if you are going to step up to the plate and take her on, or run away like a weenie and throw her under the bus when her BF finds out about it.

 

 

 

At this point I'm getting pretty fed up trying to decipher what she is wanting from all of this.

 

 

here's a life lesson - never try to figure out what a woman wants. That will only confuse you and make you look like a moron. You do what YOU want and either they follow you into your reality or they walk away.

 

Stop trying to guess what she's thinking or wanting and just make your offer. She will either take it or she won't. You'll have your answer in a moment instead of wasting more months.

 

 

 

 

 

I know the majority of opinions will tell me that if she can cheat now, she can cheat on me.

 

 

you are never guaranteed you won't be cheated on. Cross that bridge when you get to it. Young single attractive women go through men like underwear. You either get in the game and take your chances or stand against the gymnasium wall with the other geeks. t

 

Other than that, what do you guys think I should do from here?

 

(B)(I)You're spending too much angst and energy on this and wasting time trying to wait for her to call the shots. Either sht or get off the pot. Make your move and she'll either go for it or not.

 

Or throw her back and walk away and move on to someone else (I)(B)

 

 

 

 

Responses above.

[CadeYeager]

If I could go back in time and change only one thing about my young and single days it would be that I would not concern myself with whether some gal I liked was dating someone or not. If I could step into the Way-Back Machine and go back, I would ask out whoever I was interested in and make an honest offer whether they were dating someone or not.

 

First of all, thank you so much for making such insightful responses. I appreciate them all.

 

This is EXACTLY the mentality that I adopted before stepping into all of this. I knew that if I had the "bigger stick", I could win her over. I KNOW she likes me. I come from a humble place when I say that too. It's written all over her face. There's something holding her back, and I think you hit the nail on the head with saying that she needed a bf just to have a bf.

 

She later texted me that she still "loves" her bf, which as you stated confusing the sh*t out of me after kissing me lol. So I already made my case/offer to her yesterday. She didn't buy into it so I woke up this morning and I decided to treat her like a normal friend/coworker from here on out.

 

She's texted me here and there today. Acts as if nothing happened between us last night.

[oldshirt]

If you haven't really given it your best shot, then do so.

 

If you have or If she rejects your best shot, then just move on and as you said, just treat her like any other coworker (not friend). Don't burn bridges, don't call her out, don't show any anger, disappointment or bitterness. Just live a good life without her.

 

Don't be a beta orbitor and don't be her emotional tampon for her BF woes. Adopt a position that the only women you'll hand Kleenex to when they're boo hooing about their BFs are the ones that are leaving their BF's place to come to your house to crawl into your bed.

 

Make your offer and they either accept it or decline. Never be an emotional tampon to boost some gals ego.

[CadeYeager]

If you haven't really given it your best shot, then do so.

 

If you have or If she rejects your best shot, then just move on and as you said, just treat her like any other coworker (not friend). Don't burn bridges, don't call her out, don't show any anger, disappointment or bitterness. Just live a good life without her.

 

Don't be a beta orbitor and don't be her emotional tampon for her BF woes. Adopt a position that the only women you'll hand Kleenex to when they're boo hooing about their BFs are the ones that are leaving their BF's place to come to your house to crawl into your bed.

 

Make your offer and they either accept it or decline. Never be an emotional tampon to boost some gals ego.

 

Points taken! Keep them coming lol

 

So if I treat her as any other coworker, that would mean I change whole demeanor. Going from flirting (60mph) down to acquaintances (0 mph) is highly noticeable.

 

What should do and how should I act if she calls me out on my change in behavior towards her?

[oldshirt]

Points taken! Keep them coming lol

 

So if I treat her as any other coworker, that would mean I change whole demeanor. Going from flirting (60mph) down to acquaintances (0 mph) is highly noticeable.

 

What should do and how should I act if she calls me out on my change in behavior towards her?

 

"I was hoping we could be together but since you are choosing to stay with your BF, that means we are just coworkers and need to keep things professional. Give me a shout if you break up and if I'm available at that time, we can see how things go then."

[CadeYeager]

We had very little contact last night (texting back and forth).

 

Her flirtatious attitude insists that we should still "fool around".

 

I haven't heard from her today and don't plan on making the first move of interaction.

 

Yay? Nay?

[oldshirt]

What is your objective here? Are you wanting to tap that and have a FB and be some chick's booty call on the side?

 

If so, get with it and get'r done and quit fooling around. She needs to either put up or shut up. Quit being her emotional tampon and letting her cry on your should and boost her ego without getting anything in return. Tell her she can whine after she's done sucking your dck.

 

If you are wanting her to be an actual GF and have a legit dating relationship or sorts then she needs to ditch the BF and get with the program.

 

Either way this is a sht or get off the pot situation and you are dicking around burning daylight trying to read some ditzy gal's psycho signals. Quit wasting time in the friendzone and quit waiting for her to make up her mind. She is basically begging you to make up her mind for her.

 

You either take out your dck and tell her to suck it then send her back to her BF if you just want some free poon when she's available.

 

Or you make her your best offer for a relationship based on the contingency that she ditch the BF and make the jump to you.

 

 

Either way it's sht or get off the pot for both of you. All in or all out. Quit playing silly games waiting for her to determine which guy gets which role. Decide what you want out of her and then do it.

[preraph]

At this point what you know about her is that she's wishy-washy and like you said doesn't know what she wants. The problem is she doesn't have enough either boundaries or self-control, one of the two, to stop herself from acting on impulse and then she feels bad for it. Responsible people stop short of doing something that they know they will feel bad for later. So she has a level of immaturity or irresponsibilty you need to keep in mind. She is impulsive in the bad way.

[CadeYeager]

At this point what you know about her is that she's wishy-washy and like you said doesn't know what she wants. The problem is she doesn't have enough either boundaries or self-control, one of the two, to stop herself from acting on impulse and then she feels bad for it. Responsible people stop short of doing something that they know they will feel bad for later. So she has a level of immaturity or irresponsibilty you need to keep in mind. She is impulsive in the bad way.

 

You bring up some fair points.

 

By no means am I being an "emotional tampon" stated by oldshirt, which is a great advice.

 

I've been a bit pushy, in a passive manner that is. I would kid around about her leaving her bf. She's explained that a few times she's called out my name by mistake when with her bf.

 

But you're right though. She scares the hell out of me with her display of impulse and giving into temptation.

[preraph]

Yeah, I know it sounds like kind of a "hot" situation, but I think you could expect nothing but eventual chaos even if it goes how you'd like it to go. How long has she been with this guy?

[CadeYeager]

Yeah, I know it sounds like kind of a "hot" situation, but I think you could expect nothing but eventual chaos even if it goes how you'd like it to go. How long has she been with this guy?

 

To my knowledge she's been with him for about one year now. This is the first time I've placed myself into a "love triangle". So far I'm not enjoying it... lol

 

I'd LIKE to to easily remove myself from her and become neutral coworkers, but it's tough for me to push away female attention... especially if it's a female I'm attracted to.

 

She doesn't like me enough to leave her bf, but likes me enough to make out with me. Go figure.

[CadeYeager]

Actually... scratch everything I said in this post. I just got back from a run and had some time to think. Half way through my run I got a second to slow down. I thought to myself "What the **** am I doing?"

 

lol... I'm gonna back away from this mess.

[preraph]

I commend you on your show of restraint and good sense. I wish I'd had your restraint when I was young. Passion usually got the better of me, and I was usually the casualty of it!

[elaine567]

Actually... scratch everything I said in this post. I just got back from a run and had some time to think. Half way through my run I got a second to slow down. I thought to myself "What the **** am I doing?"

 

lol... I'm gonna back away from this mess.

 

I think you are right, seems she is happy to "fool around" and then regret it and then say "I love my bf".

I think you could easily get into a cycle here, and you could get hurt, if she persists in not wanting to leave him.

Seems she wants a bit on the side, but is not prepared to leave her bf.

 

Also you are co workers, having an affair and her bf potentially coming and causing a scene at your work, would not do your career any good.

[CadeYeager]

I commend you on your show of restraint and good sense. I wish I'd had your restraint when I was young. Passion usually got the better of me, and I was usually the casualty of it!

 

Thank you lol.

 

Don't get me wrong, I would LOVE the opportunity to see where it could go with this girl, but I had to ask myself if I wanted to be the "back up" plan.