The cheater left me

[runredlights]

Hey guys I am having a hard time from a recent breakup. My girlfriend of 3 years cheated on me and then two days later professed that she had been having doubts, feeling bored, thought someone else could make her happier, was very confused, loved me and was still in love with me after the breakup, texts me that she misses me, and essentially wanted to experience life without me.

 

I think that she might have wanted out a while ago but had been keeping it to herself. I'm going to assume that this was one of those slow fade breakups where she began to detach emotionally without me being aware. That makes it hurt ten times more because I know she is 10 steps ahead of me in the grieving process whereas I am still left picking up the pieces. I never saw it coming.

 

My ex was blackout drunk when she cheated on me and it was just making out (to my knowledge) which I have conformation of from others. How could you cheat on your boyfriend of 3 years and then not do everything in your power to try to fix things? I feel like this person simply gave up.

 

I have been reading extensively on the GIGS topic and I would love to believe what homebrew/Gibson have been saying true, but I also consider it to be a rationalization for someone leaving you because they simply aren't happy. In my mind it would be so much easier to move on knowing that my ex girlfriend had dudes lined up, is participating in an orgy RIGHT NOW and has left me purely to sow her oats. It would be so much easier to write this person off completely and never want to speak to them again if that were the case. It would be easier knowing that she fell to a "syndrome" or that this is al phase for people their age to go through (21) and I am 24. I see so many points to a T indicating that GIGS could be the possibility, but GIGS seems vague at the same time too. I am having a hard time accepting why someone would cheat and then say they wanted to end things. My head tells me to run and never look back, but I know I still love her.

 

And just for the record I have NO inclination to get back together with this person as she has seemingly thrown our relationship away in an abrupt way and hurt me so badly.

 

What are your thoughts people of LS? Does my ex want to get some strange? or could it be that if she were able to cheat on me even when blackout drunk was an indication that she had to finally end things because her subconscious made it a possibility to hookup with someone else. It has only been 2.5 weeks and perhaps I cannot see the forest through the trees. We are each others first loves and I took her virginity. Iv never experienced anything like this before in my life.

[road]

Dating is the job audition for marriage. Be glad she was found out now before. Be glad she is gone.

[runredlights]

I had no intentions of marriage in the immediate future with the kid, but I was happy and clearly she wasn't. You're right though I know. Still doesn't make it hurt any less.

[Sandrino]

Nobody will ever know what goes on in peoples minds when they cheat. Especially if the one cheated on, isn't a cheater. It could be that they are careless, they are afraid, or whatever. But that will never be an excuse to cheating. Being drunk has nothing to do what she did. I've been throwing up drunk passed out blackout drunk and i knew i shouldnt cheat on my girl. Never even had the thought.

 

I'm in your shoes right now man. I'm almost a month in of no contact. I gave my ex another chance after she cheated, but then she ended up breaking up with me again because she hated i was always on her about everything. She cheated though, so that screwed my trust, therefore, i was up her ass and that made her miserable. The guy she cheated on me with, still called her phone, he was still in the picture after the cheating. But she just didnt care. She ended up leaving me for being supposedly clingy, and annoying.

 

I loved her very much and she also works in the same plaza as i do, so i have to see her car every day. And god i miss her so much. I spend alot of nights crying because of how much i miss her. But shes no good for me. And yours is obviously no good for you man. The quicker you move on, the quicker you'll get over it.. I have no say in that, because im still trying to get over mine. But just know you are NOT alone in this. It sucks man.. Bad.

 

Shes always begged for me back, but im just tired of it all. Truth is, there is no knowing what goes on in a cheaters head. Your definitely not alone in this, there are plenty others struggling with you. (like me)

 

Just stop over analyzing it, because your not going to know why she did it, your not going to find out, your not going to get anywhere thinking about it. Stop asking yourself questions about it, because you dont know ANY of the answers. She cheated on you when you were good to her. Thats it. That shows that she is a selffish bitch, and doesn't deserve your love.

 

Don't talk to her, it will just be a vicious cycle of heartbreak that you dont want to get involved in.

Edited December 31, 2014 by Sandrino

[runredlights]

That is awesome advice Sandrino. Keep your head up too and run far from that harlot. It will take time. I hope I can take something from your situation. I imagine it hurt for you essentially being dumped twice right? I have to wonder if my ex would ever come back, but like you're saying once the trust is gone its gone. If my ex does ever come back (which I am not betting on at all) I would always have to wonder if they would do it again to me and break my heart twice.

[Chi townD]

Yeah, if you're black out drunk, you wouldn't remember if you cheated on someone (unless she woke up naked in his bed). And just a make out session? Dude, she did more than make out and she knew what she was doing.

 

 

Sounds like an exit affair to me. She cheated on you then told you about it so that you would be so angry with her that you wouldn't want her back.

 

 

Well, give her exactly what she's asking for. You need to start a hard NC. Block her on Facebook and unfollow her on social media. Ignore all texts and emails and let all calls go to voicemail. Do NOT respond to any of it.

 

 

Time to start healing and making positive changes in your life.

[runredlights]

Agreed. It hasn't even been 3 weeks yet though. Im still trying to get pick myself up. After the breakup the only times I spoke to her was when I came over to get my stuff, and when she texted me on my birthday. I don't have anything else left to say to her really, other than what the hell happened to you?

[SycamoreCircle]

Abandon this idea of her being drunk and incapable of sound choices. Women at that age are incapable of sound choices perfectly sober. You do not need to make excuses for her behavior. She has demonstrated that she does not care about you and does not want to be with you. The only credit she deserves is that she eventually came clean about the whole thing.

 

Do not take this personally. A lot of this is age. Focus on the fact that you cared about her and were good to her. If that sits well in your mind, nothing need be deliberated on.

 

Young, pretty women have a surfeit of choices and a surfeit of emotions. Young pretty women have very little handle on emotional responsibility.

 

Go NC. Grieve. Heal. Move on.

[runredlights]

I totally understand. I know I must move on. I did treat her well and loved her very much. Chi town D's exit affair idea seemed interesting though. She could have done more than she admitted because it would hurt me. Like I was saying if I knew my ex is out being a whoremonger and sowing her oats or that she lied to me and did something below the belt with the dude she cheated on me with it would make it that much easier to move on.

 

Perhaps and obviously I should be more concerned with myself and not what she is/ was thinking and feeling because she gone now.

[bubbaganoosh]

Here's the thing. She wasn't black out drunk when this other guy approached her. When she saw him putting the move on her, she could have stopped it right there. The problem is she didn't.

 

No guy, past, present or future gets to first base with any woman unless she wants him to let alone second base, third and then home plate.

 

Too many times cheaters use the drunk excuse and expect to get a pass on t because they weren't in their right mind but they seem to forget that they were sober when it all started.

[runredlights]

Yes I'm sure she was flirting with him all night prior to cheating. She also woke up next to the guy in the morning. They slept together on this couch too which is why I question now if it was more than just making out.

 

I am doing well with no contact, but I slipped up one night when I got pretty hammered with my buddies. I got on facebook afterwards when I got back home and checked her profile. I had unfriended her but she never had any privacy setting so looking at hers as a stranger vs a friend would the exact same.

 

I stalked fb hard after she cheated on me while we were still together and looked at all of her friends matching the guys name who she told me it was. We'll call him Chris. Oddly enough when I went to my exs profile the recently added friends feature was disabled SO I go in the search box and type in Chris. What do you know there's a new Chris. This was quit suspicious. Like she was tryingn to hide it

[Sandrino]

Yes I'm sure she was flirting with him all night prior to cheating. She also woke up next to the guy in the morning. They slept together on this couch too which is why I question now if it was more than just making out.

 

I am doing well with no contact, but I slipped up one night when I got pretty hammered with my buddies. I got on facebook afterwards when I got back home and checked her profile. I had unfriended her but she never had any privacy setting so looking at hers as a stranger vs a friend would the exact same.

 

I stalked fb hard after she cheated on me while we were still together and looked at all of her friends matching the guys name who she told me it was. We'll call him Chris. Oddly enough when I went to my exs profile the recently added friends feature was disabled SO I go in the search box and type in Chris. What do you know there's a new Chris. This was quit suspicious. Like she was tryingn to hide it

 

I did the exact same thing as you man. I got completely wasted, and called her phone one night. And well, guess who answers? The guy she cheated on me with. We were broken up at the time, but man, i was broken... I cried all night long. But the funny thing is, a week later, so called me and wanted to get back with me.

 

I stalked her facebook so much, but eventually, i realized it does nothing but hurt me. I dont even want to see her face, because if i do, it'll break me and bring me back to where i was in the beginning. I stalked her ex'es facebook too, and the kid is a toolbag. When he talked to me on the phone, i wanted to break his face.

 

You asked if i took her back twice? No i took her back MULTIPLE times. Like at least 10. But every single time i took her back, i was riding on the hope that she would change and never cheat again. Boy was i wrong, because she always went back to do it. Use me as an example. Do NOT take her back. It will just be a vicious cycle, like i said. The trust is GONE. Even when i was with her, i was happy in the beginning, but i couldnt trust her, id have to text her all the time, be with her all the time, know where she is at ALL times, just so i knew she wasnt out fking some other guy, and i was unhappy.

 

You say you wonder if when she was with him, it was just a make out session? Dude, i found out my girl spent the night with her ex multiple times while we were broken up. She swore she didnt sleep with him but theres no way in hell it was just a make out session. Even if she denies it, they banged like rabbits. I hoped my girl didnt sleep with the guy. But look, if it were you, would you be trying to sleep with her? Think about that. It happened.

 

Like i said before, it sucks. You wouldnt wish this type of pain on your worst enemy. And man is it gonna suck tonight, because its New Years Eve! I bet that bitch is out at a party nailing 3 different dudes at the same time, and loving every minute of it. But theres nothing you can do. Especially when they cheat. You gotta ride with it, and learn from it. Know what suspicions to look for in your next relationship.

 

Keep your head up.

Edited December 31, 2014 by Sandrino

[runredlights]

I'm sorry to hear that. I plan on everything being permanent. I don't wanna develop a bunch of conspiracy theories and make myself sick worrying over somebody who obviously didn't care about me enough anyways. It is what it is. Its all i needed to hear. Noone deserves to be treated or viewed as expendable. Relationships do run their course though. I just wish i still didn't have this sour taste in my mouth.

[Sandrino]

I'm sorry to hear that. I plan on everything being permanent. I don't wanna develop a bunch of conspiracy theories and make myself sick worrying over somebody who obviously didn't care about me enough anyways. It is what it is. Its all i needed to hear. Noone deserves to be treated or viewed as expendable. Relationships do run their course though. I just wish i still didn't have this sour taste in my mouth.

 

We all wish we didnt.

 

Your just gonna have to live with it for a little while.

[Darren Steez]

I had no intentions of marriage in the immediate future with the kid, but I was happy and clearly she wasn't. You're right though I know. Still doesn't make it hurt any less.

 

Has what she done made you happy? She failed the "make you happy in a relationship" audition as well. It sucks and hurts like hell but guess what? You are far better off without that kind of drama.

[Darren Steez]

I'm sorry to hear that. I plan on everything being permanent. I don't wanna develop a bunch of conspiracy theories and make myself sick worrying over somebody who obviously didn't care about me enough anyways. It is what it is. Its all i needed to hear. Noone deserves to be treated or viewed as expendable. Relationships do run their course though. I just wish i still didn't have this sour taste in my mouth.

 

Brah you came to those conclusions yourself then you have your head screwed straight. This is the absolute truth, people tie themselves up in rings fussing about people who couldn't give two shakes about them. Why respect someone who spits on you?

 

Well done chap

[Satu]

Go strict No Contact as if your life depends on it, and you will be OK.

[runredlights]

Yea I think I will be ok in due time. Haven't spoken in nearly 3 weeks and only checked fb the one time.

[runredlights]

Hey I just wanted to follow up on where I'm at now

 

It's been exactly one month since the BU and each day is getting a little bit better. Although I still feel heartbroken I have been making immediate positive changes in my life. I just landed an awesome first job out of school that i'll start in February, joined a rec hockey league, am working out even more venomously than I was before, and am going out with my friends as much as possible to pick myself up. Lots of positive changes.

 

I still have another month till I start my big boy job which unfortunately gives me too much free time to think. Even though I'm making strides I still miss my ex terribly at times. I keep trying to remind myself what she did to me and how it ended. Rationally I shouldn't want anything to do with her after what happened, but I'll get there eventually.

 

Iv attempted talking to other girls at bars casually with my friends which are the fun and exciting parts about being single. My confidence is slowly rising. This last month I'v truly been happiest when I haven't thought about her for more than once an hour and when I'm doing something that I enjoy which shows me that I can be happy without her in my life.

 

Do you all have any other suggestions as to what else I could do to keep building myself up and help erase her from my thoughts?

[Darren Steez]

No keep her in your thoughts..no seriously. There is nothing you can do to make her go away, that has to happen naturally. But life as you have seen moves on, the trick is not to let this woman define how you live your life now.

 

Trick to building up that man ego? Go and mack on the chicks. I don't mean try to get them in bed. No. Go and talk to as many women as you like. You're not dating, there are no expectations, just going out, meeting different girls, just talking, cracking jokes and getting to know them.

 

You'll find not all women are cruel heart breakers and you'll find if you give life a chance, you can actually enjoy yourself.

 

She doesn't define you. You define who you will be.

[runredlights]

Yea my game is quite rusty as I have been in a relationship for so long lol. I don't want to seem contradicive by me saying I was still heartbroken but am also trying to talk to other women. That's not it at all. I'm not thirsty. I'm just trying to learn how to be single again. It really is fun meeting/ flirting with others. Don't get me wrong though; I'm still really ****ed up in the head, but I'm trying to let the left brain take over now.

 

Since my ex cheated on me and then broke up with me... I shutter to think what she has been up to, but that's regressing. I just don't know what else I can do to accelerate my healing process anymore than what I have been doing so far. I really am proud of myself for making positive changes. I just have too much time to think.

[Sandrino]

I'll go ahead and follow up with you on me too, since i feel were both in the same boat. I just saw her yesterday. She came into my work, and was shopping with her mother.. Messed me up, havent seen her face in a month. Was so devastated at work, and got home and looked up her facebook because seeing her that day, made me miss her more than i should.

 

Looked on her exes profile and found a status that said "I love bae" she was the ONLY one that liked the post.

 

My heart fell through my ass. But i feel like i can move on for good now, since i was riding on hope that wasnt there, now i know there isnt hope at all. I have no choice now. They're obviously back together. I've been more devastated than i was, and honestly, i feel like theres no hope for me. I'm trying to move on..

 

Good to see your getting out there man. I've been hanging wit buds too. But i still miss and think about her..

[runredlights]

Sandrino I sincerely appreciate your replies as well as the replies from others from LS. I think we can both help each other. I don't know if you're religious or not, but have you ever heard the phrase that God helps those who help themselves? I mean absolutely no sarcasm to your reply at all with what I'm telling you. You played with fire and looked what happened! FB is the devil. You need to be proactive and not reactive to whatever you ex is doing. It makes no difference what she's up to and you got your feeling hurt for looking at things you don't need to see. I use LS as my outlet as you should too brother.