My mom is a well of negativity and I don't know how to make it better...

[ASG]

TL,DR: Because my step sisters are evil and crazy, my mom is always on the edge and is becoming a horrible person to be around, always angry and snappy and I don't know how to help her.

 

 

So... My mom and step dad have been together for 20+ years.

 

She has me and my brother, both early 30s and my step dad has 3 children, in their early to mid 40s.

 

Things were good for some time, even though it was clear my oldest stepsister never really liked my mom (because she committed the horrible crime of marrying her dad, nothing else).

 

This would be a very very long drawn out post if I detailed all the ways in which my 2 step sisters are spawns of the devil, but about 5 or 6 years ago, I'm not sure exactly why, the war between my mom and my oldest step sister, also mother of the precious grandkids, became open.

 

It has to be said, stepsister (we'll call her C) is bat**** crazy. Like, certifiable. We thought she had gotten better after having the kids, but clearly, that was an illusion. The only thing it stopped was the bulimia and the sleeping pills and consequent trips to the hospital to have her stomach pumped.

 

So now there is always a crisis. Never involving my mom directly, but C will stop talking to my stepdad for whatever perceived slight and prevent him from seeing or talking to his 3 grandkids.

 

Which then causes stress in their marriage. It has to be said, my stepdad is not free of all guilt. He was always a fairly absent/always working dad and to be honest, cares about very little but himself. He is also nearing 80 years old, so his mind has been sharper.

 

But basically what this all means is that my mom is living in a permanent state of terror that C will say or do something to my stepdad, and then he'll somehow either blame my mom for it, or at the very least, become so agitated about it that my mom will have to hear about it/deal with it for days or weeks.

 

Last night, they came home and my mom was all "are you prepared for the drama?" I asked "what drama?" "C didn't pick up the phone to your stepdad all day. But he managed to talk to her now. It's all going to hit the fan".

Well... it didn't. She was her normal crazy self, he was his normal absent minded self, there was no drama. But my mom is still on edge. She lives waiting for the shoe to drop.

 

And I'm not saying she's worried over nothing. The shoe might indeed drop at any minute... But it's making her a very unpleasant person to be around. She's angry and grumpy and snappy at all times. At this point I think she resents my stepdad completely and can't have a normal conversation with him that doesn't turn into a either a passive aggressive thing or a full on fight.

 

And then *I* have to mind what I say or do, because it might get back to the evil step sisters from hell, and then another drama will happen and it'll all come back to her...

 

I want to tell her to divorce my stepdad. I mean... this has been going on for a long time, and even though it's not as bad as it was 5 years ago, it's no way to live. But I am not sure that would be the right thing to do for her. I don't know if she would cope well... I don't know if she has it in her to leave him when he's nearing 80 (she's in her mid 50s).

 

And I just don't know how to help her, but I also cannot deal with her the way she is right now...

 

I'm not sure there is any advice that any of you can give me, but thanks for reading anyway (major props if you made it this far!), and any input would be appreciated.

 

I haven't detailed many aspects of the relationships, as I'd be here all day, but feel free to ask whatever you feel necessary.

[Tayla]

Sorry to hear this has perpetuated for this long. It must be indeed a stressor for those who try to maintain sensibility. The best advice is your own advice.

A friend once told me, "Vice Versa" the scenario and ask yourself how you would want to be approached , then try it. Given that you know the character re-action of the kinfolk, keep that in mind when working thru the concerns. Again, sorry that you are in the mix of this drama..

[ASG]

Thank you for your words... It is indeed very hard.

 

I remember 5 years ago, the only reason my mom didn't leave my stepdad because of his insane daughters was because I was doing a course in London, that she was financing, and she wanted to make sure I could finish it.

 

Things got better since, but my brother has flown me in to see my mom because things were dire and I don't know how to help her.

 

Also, there is the issue of me being my own person. I have my own opinions that are not necessarily in keeping with what my mom needs them to be to keep the peace. And whenever I tell her that she needs to make that clear to my stepdad and sisters and that they need to take whatever issues they have with ME, that doesn't work, as she just goes into a spiral of "you're away, once you leave, you're out, but I have to deal with the fallout of what YOU do".

 

It's SOOOOO exhausting.

 

I'm really sad for her. I don't want my mom to be going through this. But short of cutting ties with ALL OF THEM (step dad included) I see no way of it getting better. And I'm not sure that would be good for HER.

 

Picking on Robert Z's thread of passion vs contentment, their relationship was always built on passion. It's the only reason they have lasted this long. They had a passionate ridiculous love story. Obviously, a lot of it is gone now, but I'm sure there are remnants still going around, that keep them together. And they've been with each other longer than with the previous partners. I just don't know if they would both cope with separating...

[jellybean89]

Unfortunately, some people 'thrive' on the drama of it all. at this point, I am not sure your mom would know what to do without some 'drama' in her life. Doesn't make her a bad person; just makes it hard to be around her.

 

She and the step-daughters have been in 'competition' for dad's love for years and that isn't going to end now it seems.

 

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. I've lived the blended family dynamics for years now and I can say for me, time has healed a lot of old wounds.

[ASG]

Unfortunately, some people 'thrive' on the drama of it all. at this point, I am not sure your mom would know what to do without some 'drama' in her life. Doesn't make her a bad person; just makes it hard to be around her.

 

She and the step-daughters have been in 'competition' for dad's love for years and that isn't going to end now it seems.

 

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. I've lived the blended family dynamics for years now and I can say for me, time has healed a lot of old wounds.

 

I know. And even though, obviously, what you say stings, it also rings true.

 

I feel she is now making the drama up in her head more than it actually exists. So maybe she has reached that point where she kinda needs it, even if she dreads it...

[jellybean89]

I am sorry for what you are going through. My advice is to live your own life and try to not let their drama affect you.

[gaius]

I read the whole thing but the only advice I have is some you're probably not going to like or follow. =/ I have a few situations in my family like yours where there's not much I can do and the person is stressed out or angry so I try and just let them talk while kind of keeping a fun and upbeat attitude about things going on. Let my good energy infect their bad energy.

 

Seems to work a lot of the time but it's a very masculine thing to do and you strike me as pretty feminine.

[preraph]

It sounds like she's so wrapped up in her little world that everything is being magnified. It would probably benefit her, if she's even able, to have some extracurricular activities where family is not talked about or involved. Give her something else to think about, a trip to a casino or any other getaway. Family problems seem smaller when you're not solely concentrated on them.

 

The other thing is it sounds like she could use some pills for anxiety, and that might make all the difference. As a side note, withholding the grandkids from the dad -- are they delusional? Except for knowing he's being intentionally slighted, does anyone think this is severely inconveniencing him?? Anyone who would let this get to them is just wants to be involved in drama because the only one it really inconveniences is the mother of the kids.

 

I realize she may just be too old to get out and do much, but the busier she is with nonfamily stuff, the better it will be for her to get her mind off it and concentrate on something else. Next time the crappy daughter calls playing baby blackmail, wouldn't it be great if your mom or dad let it blow right over their heads and then started talking about their weekend trip to wherever or how much fun they had playing miniature golf with someone? Because if it doesn't bother them, then it's not a weapon.

[ASG]

It sounds like she's so wrapped up in her little world that everything is being magnified. It would probably benefit her, if she's even able, to have some extracurricular activities where family is not talked about or involved. Give her something else to think about, a trip to a casino or any other getaway. Family problems seem smaller when you're not solely concentrated on them.

 

The other thing is it sounds like she could use some pills for anxiety, and that might make all the difference. As a side note, withholding the grandkids from the dad -- are they delusional? Except for knowing he's being intentionally slighted, does anyone think this is severely inconveniencing him?? Anyone who would let this get to them is just wants to be involved in drama because the only one it really inconveniences is the mother of the kids.

 

I realize she may just be too old to get out and do much, but the busier she is with nonfamily stuff, the better it will be for her to get her mind off it and concentrate on something else. Next time the crappy daughter calls playing baby blackmail, wouldn't it be great if your mom or dad let it blow right over their heads and then started talking about their weekend trip to wherever or how much fun they had playing miniature golf with someone? Because if it doesn't bother them, then it's not a weapon.

 

 

The thing is, my mom would love it if it was a non issue. She has managed to detach herself from being emotionally involved with the kids and the step daughter. But my step dad can't. He can't detach and lays it all out on my mom, who then has very few other outlets, other than work.

 

Today my step brother and younger step sister (who is also evil, I might add, but is playing the game of being friendly with my step dad and my mom, since her sister cut her off for... who knows what slight) came to dinner. And the talk turner to the kids... The oldest kid, who is now 10, asked his aunt (my younger step sis) why, if we all know what goes on in their house, no one does anything to protect them (the kids). There is abuse... but not the kind that would make CPS take the kids away from the parents or do anything that would actually help the children.

 

Anyway, my step dad at one point became quite angry with all of us, for saying he was doing anything to help and hadn't done anything to help. Which wasn't what we were saying, just that what has been done has been ineffective.

My mom, when she went to bed (after he did) was sure she would get an earful about how wrong we were saying that, and basically, it would feel like it was HER fault that HIS OWN kids said those things about their sister and the kids...

 

 

Cutting all ties would be ideal. I'm sure my mom would relish that idea. But, since my step dad cannot step away, that is not an option. And it puts my mom in a constant war zone that is indeed affecting her and how she deals with people in general.

[Radu]

The thing is, my mom would love it if it was a non issue. She has managed to detach herself from being emotionally involved with the kids and the step daughter. But my step dad can't. He can't detach and lays it all out on my mom, who then has very few other outlets, other than work.

 

Today my step brother and younger step sister (who is also evil, I might add, but is playing the game of being friendly with my step dad and my mom, since her sister cut her off for... who knows what slight) came to dinner. And the talk turner to the kids... The oldest kid, who is now 10, asked his aunt (my younger step sis) why, if we all know what goes on in their house, no one does anything to protect them (the kids). There is abuse... but not the kind that would make CPS take the kids away from the parents or do anything that would actually help the children.

 

Anyway, my step dad at one point became quite angry with all of us, for saying he was doing anything to help and hadn't done anything to help. Which wasn't what we were saying, just that what has been done has been ineffective.

My mom, when she went to bed (after he did) was sure she would get an earful about how wrong we were saying that, and basically, it would feel like it was HER fault that HIS OWN kids said those things about their sister and the kids...

 

 

Cutting all ties would be ideal. I'm sure my mom would relish that idea. But, since my step dad cannot step away, that is not an option. And it puts my mom in a constant war zone that is indeed affecting her and how she deals with people in general.

 

That's a smart kid, they should listen to him/her.

It's not easy to get in front of the grownups and call them out on their ****ty behaviour.

As the older kid you also feel like you have a responsability to your younger siblings.

[elaine567]

This is really dysfunctional and without years of family counselling then probably unsolvable.

YOU cannot fix this, grown adults with issues squabbling and causing drama.

 

However, if there is abuse affecting the children then you have to acknowledge that and get them some help, if not within the family, then professional help.

If professional help is refused and the kids are suffering then it needs to be taken to the authorities.

YOU cannot stand back and let the kids suffer.

[elaine567]

How Child Abuse Primes the Brain for Future Mental Illness | TIME.com

[ASG]

That's a smart kid, they should listen to him/her.

It's not easy to get in front of the grownups and call them out on their ****ty behaviour.

As the older kid you also feel like you have a responsability to your younger siblings.

 

This is really dysfunctional and without years of family counselling then probably unsolvable.

YOU cannot fix this, grown adults with issues squabbling and causing drama.

 

However, if there is abuse affecting the children then you have to acknowledge that and get them some help, if not within the family, then professional help.

If professional help is refused and the kids are suffering then it needs to be taken to the authorities.

YOU cannot stand back and let the kids suffer.

 

 

You are both absolutely right. And we all know that.

 

The problem is that any attempt at doing anything is met with my step sister cutting access to the kids.

And the abuse is less physical than it is emotional. I mean, the kids get slapped around, but not beaten, and they live in a nice house, go to a super posh private school and to the outside world have everything they could hope for.

 

The reality is very different. For starters, my step sister is actually mentally unstable. And her husband is fighting cancer. He is not well, and should be resting, but can't, because my step sister does NOTHING around the house or takes care of the kids, so he has to do it all. And the worse he feels, health wise, the more he lashes out.

 

It's very sad, and the oldest kid is now starting to fail in school, quite badly. His parents' response to it? To ground him, not let him go or do anything apart from studying. So he's spent the whole of the holidays being forced to study and not going out with his siblings.

 

Today my mom went to have lunch with my step dad, as they always do on Fridays. I was supposed to join them, but my mom told me it was better if I didn't, cause after last night's conversation, he's angry at my step brother, I think and "they need to talk". Which usually means he's going to find a way to blame my mom for it...

 

It all adds up and makes EVERYONE miserable. :(

[preraph]

If there is abuse, as far as helping the kids, you can report to Child Protective Services and remain anonymous. I know you have your rationale for not doing so, but what you need to consider is even though their abuse does not rise to the level of having kids taken away (this is a good thing), CPS will nonetheless set up a program of change they must implement and then keep an eye on them to be sure they comply. This alone may keep them busy enough to stop their game playing with your family. I would advise it. If they become accusatory, deny, deny, deny, and don't tell another living person you are who reported it . Usually it's school or neighbors who report such things anyway, so no reason for them to focus on you. In fact, they will likely never TELL you CPS came calling and try to hide it.

 

Your dad sounds like an unreasonable idiot, if I may say so, and your mom is allowing it, so whatever she gets, she is at least partially responsible for here. She needs to lay down the law to him to get out of her face about this.

[ASG]

If there is abuse, as far as helping the kids, you can report to Child Protective Services and remain anonymous. I know you have your rationale for not doing so, but what you need to consider is even though their abuse does not rise to the level of having kids taken away (this is a good thing), CPS will nonetheless set up a program of change they must implement and then keep an eye on them to be sure they comply. This alone may keep them busy enough to stop their game playing with your family. I would advise it. If they become accusatory, deny, deny, deny, and don't tell another living person you are who reported it . Usually it's school or neighbors who report such things anyway, so no reason for them to focus on you. In fact, they will likely never TELL you CPS came calling and try to hide it.

 

Yeah, my mom has decided she is going to call them, to ask what can be done, if anything and what their approach would be. They don't say who their source was, so they wouldn't know for sure, but they would definitely blame my mom for it, even if it was someone else doing it. The amount of hate that woman has for my mom is absurd

 

 

Your dad sounds like an unreasonable idiot, if I may say so, and your mom is allowing it, so whatever she gets, she is at least partially responsible for here. She needs to lay down the law to him to get out of her face about this.

 

Pretty much, yeah.

I mean... he's a nice man and all... but he has this "if you're not with me, you're against me" attitude that is only getting worse with age. Everything is an offense and a slight against him. And then he lays it out on my mom, since he can't do it to anyone else.

 

And yes, she's guilty of "indulging" him. But I think the only way to not allow him to do it, would be to leave him. Completely.

Just telling him that she won't take his **** anymore would only lead to things between them to deteriorate even more and both of them being even more unpleasant to be around.