To wives : how many of you could exist without sex with your husband?

[Got it]

Easy to say hard carring it out.

Do you know what it means to be a home apart? from both, the emotional and also economic point of view.

Many couples prefer to keep together and overcome their differences as best as they can. that is the sad reality.

 

Yes. I have divorced and am remarried. I understand fully the difficult decision. I also know when there is a dealbreaker in the marriage and unless both parties turn inward and come together I have been the child of parents who stayed together for the kids and how awful that is.

 

So, yes. I know. It is still possible. It is also very possible to try and fix the problem. What doesn't work is knowing there is a problem and trying to ignore the elephant in the room or worse being okay with it.

 

There are two people in this marriage and any moment he may decide enough is enough. Just because one party doesn't want to divorce doesn't mean a divorce doesn't happen.

[Marunda]

Ok, I'm back

 

Thank you for all your answers! Well, to be frank, maybe I live in a different world (Europe!) but guess what, talking to a LOT of my female friends who have been married for a long time, most of them actually feel pretty similar to me. Their husband wants sex, some of them give it because they know that it is part of the deal, others just really struggle because that novelty has just gone.

 

Yes, I absolutely believe that my sex drive would come back if I fell in love with someone new (remember,the kissing for hours, until your lips burn!?) but I also do believe that women need a rush of dopamine to feel that kind of attraction with someone. And any new experience makes Dopamine flood..... And you know what, I don't care what people say but I am quite sure that women just have a lower sex drive than men and that somehow for a lot of wives, sex is just not on their top priority list. And I am sick of tired of feeling like there is something wrong with me. How about the guys go get some patches to fix their "too high" testosterone levels. You know what I mean?

 

I have a PhD in economics, feel like I am a loving wife and mother, run around all day making sure everyone is happy. I love working and being a mum. Don't get me wrong but I feel sick and tired of feeling defect just because sex is not really on top of my head all the time. And as said, talking to other wives, a lot of them seem to feel similar about it. Women in the old days knew that their husband will wander if they don't provide it. And a lot of women still today rather have sex 2 a week instead of losing their house and pretty things. Please! How come, so many women fake orgasms!? And no, I do NOT fake. When I do have sex with my husband I come, and if I don't come, I will tell him. That's my problem. I'm a very honest person, I don't go around pretending I'm a sex kitten at age 40 just to make sure my husband won't stray. I am just not a sex kitten. Period. It could be that I'm bored by my husband (I love being married to him, do I want to have sex with him? different story!). He does have a passive aggressive issue which may explain why I don't feel so safe around him or not so attracted to him.

 

Yes, I was raised catholic but to be frank, my relatives had a lot of babies, so not sure if religion has anything to do with my "issue". And as said: "is it really an issue?" or are a lot of women just trying to benchmark to how guys feel to keep them?

 

Go out with a bunch of 40 year olds and see how much they talk about sex!! Not a minute is spent on sex (different when we're in our twenties....) Well, or we talk about how our husbands want more sex than we do.

 

All I am saying is that: Yes, it is not fair on our husbands if we're not in the mood but it's not meant as a power thing or to be mean or to withhold anything. We're just not in the mood and it feels AWFULLY strange to have someone do you when you're just not in the mood.

 

No, it's not fair on the guys but it also sucks to constantly having to feel guilty about something that is not really in your power.

 

Like the guys constantly feeling guilty about feeling turned on.

[Marunda]

Oh, and to you: Ninjapyjamas. Or whatever your name is :-)

 

Exactly! I don't want to blame my husband for not doing the dishes or buying me flowers and than I blame him for not being in the mood! i don't think that is how we work.

 

I'm a kind woman and I want to be honest. Truth is, sex is not really important to me 12 years down the line.

 

I can see my husband's side whole heartedly, but it would be nice if husbands could see our side. Only when the cards are on the table, you can do something about the "issue".

 

I am not going to be submissive for the rest of my life, denying my true feelings. That, for me, is not a good marriage and I owe it to myself to be honest to my husband.

 

Isn't it easier for husbands to just realize that a lot of women lose that craving and it probably has little to do with the husband? Then they can decide if they can live with that fact or if they "need" an affair.

 

I just want to be honest. And, unfortunately, this is "my" truth. And I'm not blaming my husband for anything but I want him to understand that I am not intending to "lie" for the rest our our lives.

[jackslife]

So would you mind if your husband had an affair then? And if he did, what would you do?

[hotgurl]

Of my friends most of us still have regular sex with their husbands. We all enjoy sex.

 

The two that don't have severely dysfunctional relationship. One is full of anger and bitterness. Honestly I don't know why they stay together.

 

The other one the woman keeps her 11 year old son on bed with her. She says it is because he is scared. I think he is just a shield to keep the husband away.

 

I will place money on the fact her husband is cheating (I have heard rumors) and that he will leave when the kids turn 18.

 

It is so sad. You seem so bitter and defensive about something that is fun and loving.

 

I think you should be upfront with hubby tell him you have no interest in sex and open up your marriage so he won't be celibate.

[Selfish]

I could exist without sex. Sex isn't a "need" like water, air and food. But it would be a sad sad existence.

 

I don't think women have a lower sex drive. I just think that for so long slut shaming and stereotypes controlled women that many have been raised eith a mindset against sex. And also, bad experiences with sex can cement this. You may have a lower drive than your husband. But I as A Woman may have a higher. Playing the gender card doesnt help the marital issue.

[toolforgrowth]

I would never be in a relationship, much less a marriage, without sex. I don't care who my partner is, if she ever said "I don't want to have sex anymore" that would be the death of the relationship right then and there.

 

I lived in a sexless marriage once with a woman who didn't want to do anything about it and ended up screwing another guy behind my back. I've learned the hard way that once the sex dries up, it's time to move on.

 

That's what I'd be thinking if I were your husband: time to get out!

[autumnnight]

Easy to say hard carring it out.

Do you know what it means to be a home apart? from both, the emotional and also economic point of view.

Many couples prefer to keep together and overcome their differences as best as they can. that is the sad reality.

 

Overcoming would seem to imply that the selfish spouse who withholds will at least partially step up to the plate.

[Weezy1973]

OP, I don't think you should feel defective because you don't desire sex now that the novelty has worn off. I also don't think you should have sex just because your husband wants to have sex.

 

I do think that you should want to have sex, because marriages are better, and people are happier with their marriages, when they are having regular sex. You should want to have sex because it will make your marriage better and stronger.

 

There is a very dangerous myth out there (that you seem to have bought into) that sexual desire is a linear process.

 

1. You see your partner and get turned on.

2. You become physically aroused.

3. You have sex.

 

This is probably accurate with most new relationships, but relationships don't stay new forever! Our bodies change. We get older. We have to adjust. If having a strong marriage is important to you, you will adjust. You will compromise (compromise also being extremely important in a healthy marriage).

 

My advice would be this: have sex anyways. Have sex often. Even if you're not in the mood. Because guess what, you will get in the mood. If you long for the days when you kissed for hours, tell you husband that you want to kiss for hours. And then kiss for hours. Just kiss. Make out. Let him feel you up a bit. Try to not get aroused - I bet you can't!

 

So the question is, should you put effort into your sex life with your husband? I would say if you want a better marriage, the answer is undoubtedly yes.

[xxoo]

If you long for the days when you kissed for hours, tell you husband that you want to kiss for hours. And then kiss for hours. Just kiss. Make out. Let him feel you up a bit. Try to not get aroused - I bet you can't!

 

Great advice!

 

My formula for a great sex life in a long marriage:

 

1. Keep treating your partner like a boyfriend/girlfriend. Make time for them, smile when you see them, do special things for each other, and make time for talking/cuddling.

 

2. Get naked and continue the cuddling in bed.

 

3. Get aroused and have great sex.

[Woggle]

I would never be in a marriage without sex. Once she stops fancying you it all goes downhill from there. When the sexual attraction goes it's like a table losing one of it's legs. The whole thing will eventually collapse.

[alphamale]

I would never be in a marriage without sex. Once she stops fancying you it all goes downhill from there. When the sexual attraction goes it's like a table losing one of it's legs. The whole thing will eventually collapse.

i would agree

[autumnnight]

OP, I don't think you should feel defective because you don't desire sex now that the novelty has worn off. I also don't think you should have sex just because your husband wants to have sex.

 

I do think that you should want to have sex, because marriages are better, and people are happier with their marriages, when they are having regular sex. You should want to have sex because it will make your marriage better and stronger.

 

There is a very dangerous myth out there (that you seem to have bought into) that sexual desire is a linear process.

 

1. You see your partner and get turned on.

2. You become physically aroused.

3. You have sex.

 

This is probably accurate with most new relationships, but relationships don't stay new forever! Our bodies change. We get older. We have to adjust. If having a strong marriage is important to you, you will adjust. You will compromise (compromise also being extremely important in a healthy marriage).

 

My advice would be this: have sex anyways. Have sex often. Even if you're not in the mood. Because guess what, you will get in the mood. If you long for the days when you kissed for hours, tell you husband that you want to kiss for hours. And then kiss for hours. Just kiss. Make out. Let him feel you up a bit. Try to not get aroused - I bet you can't!

 

So the question is, should you put effort into your sex life with your husband? I would say if you want a better marriage, the answer is undoubtedly yes.

 

Especially for women, there are scores of studies out there that state the biggest sexual organ is the BRAIN. And yes, a lot of it comes down to choice. You CHOOSE that you are going to open up and enjoy being intimate with the mane who has committed his life to you, and you make it enjoyable. Barring serious marital issues or a physical problem, this almost always works. When a woman goes into it with a "chore" mindset, with this jaded "I wish he'd give me fireworks but he probably won't" attitude, no wonder she doesn't like it.

[tommyr]

...snip...

So the question is, should you put effort into your sex life with your husband? I would say if you want a better marriage, the answer is undoubtedly yes.

 

I would go waaaaaay beyond that answer.

If you want to remain married to a man who's not cheating, then definitely Yes. Most normal men in a sexless marriage (if they aren't able to fix things with the wife) will either divorce or cheat.

I'm not saying that as a "threat" because you should never feel threatened into sex if you really don't want it. But make no mistake: just because YOU choose to be celibate, eventually any man with a normal sex drive will cheat.

 

So here are the options:

1) reconsider your position on disliking sex

2) divorce him now

3) grant him permission to have an affair

4) know that he'll cheat even without your permission

[hotgurl]

Great advice!

 

My formula for a great sex life in a long marriage:

 

1. Keep treating your partner like a boyfriend/girlfriend. Make time for them, smile when you see them, do special things for each other, and make time for talking/cuddling.

 

2. Get naked and continue the cuddling in bed.

 

3. Get aroused and have great sex.

 

Couldn't agree more. Hubby and I always had Friday night as date night. It is esp important when you have little kids.

[Seachan]

It could be that I'm bored by my husband (I love being married to him, do I want to have sex with him? different story!). He does have a passive aggressive issue which may explain why I don't feel so safe around him or not so attracted to him.

 

Maybe he is resentful because you do not have sex with him, and so is passive aggressive, which makes you not want sex with him. I see a vicious cycle here.

[sureño]

 

 

How about the guys go get some patches to fix their "too high" testosterone levels. You know what I mean?

And why not level up instead of down? It is good to be sexual. You should try to be so, instead of thinking to reduce our level of testosterone.

[Methodical]

I've read through the replies and decided to chime in. OP, from the onset of your post, you've taken the attitude that women who admit to loving sex and wanting it often are liars, or extremely rare. I see support for both side - wanting/needing sex versus would rather not be bothered.

 

I, too, am of similar age with children and a career, and I love sex - the more the better. I'm sure you have trouble wrapping your head around the thought that some women want it every day, likewise, I have trouble wrapping my head around the idea that after procreating, some women shut down the playground. I'm also among the group who masturbates, often. I don't view sex as a chore, for me, I'd classify it as a need, one that ranks pretty darn close to food, water, and air. How we view sex, whether as a chore or as an exciting activity, sets the tone for how receptive we are.

[Almond_Joy]

Oh, and to you: Ninjapyjamas. Or whatever your name is :-)

 

Exactly! I don't want to blame my husband for not doing the dishes or buying me flowers and than I blame him for not being in the mood! i don't think that is how we work.

 

I'm a kind woman and I want to be honest. Truth is, sex is not really important to me 12 years down the line.

 

I can see my husband's side whole heartedly, but it would be nice if husbands could see our side. Only when the cards are on the table, you can do something about the "issue".

 

I am not going to be submissive for the rest of my life, denying my true feelings. That, for me, is not a good marriage and I owe it to myself to be honest to my husband.

 

Isn't it easier for husbands to just realize that a lot of women lose that craving and it probably has little to do with the husband? Then they can decide if they can live with that fact or if they "need" an affair.

 

I just want to be honest. And, unfortunately, this is "my" truth. And I'm not blaming my husband for anything but I want him to understand that I am not intending to "lie" for the rest our our lives.

 

 

"Seeing your side" does not mean your husband should submit to your preferences at the expense of his needs.

 

You say being submissive and dishonest does not make a good marriage. That doesn't apply to just you. If you tell your husband I'm not up to sex and he just says I understand and doesn't make it an issue, he is being submissive to your needs and dishonest about his needs for a fulfilling relationship. So it's still not a good marriage.

 

I've had sex when I'm not in the mood, it is awkward and I don't recommend anyone have sex when they don't want it. But as yet another woman who does like sex frequently, I'm telling you that it's just as hard to go without sex when it's important to you as it is to have sex when you're not feeling it.. It's a constant stressor and depressor and the constant depravation is just a miserable way to live. If you love your husband you would not willingly inflict this on him with such little regard for his needs.

 

Just because sex isn't important to you doesn't mean it's not important. And if this is how you feel then you two are no longer compatible and you should consider allowing him to find other methods of getting his needs met. You do not have the same need as him for sex, nothing wrong with that or with you. Expecting him to deny his own need which is in direct opposition so that you feel less pressured or irritated or whatever is disrespectful and smacks of a sense of disregard for your husband to me.

[Diezel]

I feel that somewhere on Dead Bedrooms, the OP's husband has a bunch of threads.

[atreides]

You can keep the cupcakes, if my wife went sexless and did nothing to fix any variable issue (including why the sexual drive has diminished, maybe something medical), i could not stay married or would ask for a way to to have another on the side... but i think the latter is too risky for emotional issues and think i would likely just divorce.

[MJJean]

I've read through the replies and decided to chime in. OP, from the onset of your post, you've taken the attitude that women who admit to loving sex and wanting it often are liars, or extremely rare. I see support for both side - wanting/needing sex versus would rather not be bothered.

 

I, too, am of similar age with children and a career, and I love sex - the more the better. I'm sure you have trouble wrapping your head around the thought that some women want it every day, likewise, I have trouble wrapping my head around the idea that after procreating, some women shut down the playground. I'm also among the group who masturbates, often. I don't view sex as a chore, for me, I'd classify it as a need, one that ranks pretty darn close to food, water, and air. How we view sex, whether as a chore or as an exciting activity, sets the tone for how receptive we are.

 

Right there with ya, sister! Cept I don't masturbate very often. I think of masturbation as tofu. Sure, you can get nutrition from eating tofu and you could survive that way, but wouldn't you rather have a big, juicy, steak and potatoes with a delicious side veggie?

 

I once felt I had to apologize to my husband for the fact that I expect him to see to my physical needs often as I do not really enjoy masturbating because I want actual sex. (Him watching during foreplay doesn't count)

 

He looked at me like I grew a 3rd head and swore he doesn't mind,

[Methodical]

Right there with ya, sister! Cept I don't masturbate very often. I think of masturbation as tofu. Sure, you can get nutrition from eating tofu and you could survive that way, but wouldn't you rather have a big, juicy, steak and potatoes with a delicious side veggie?

 

Lol, I don't choose masturbation over the real deal. Sometimes our work schedules clash and when the urge is overwhelming, well, a girl's gotta do what she's gotta do (It beats starving to death )

[Thicke2013]

I have to say OP, I don't like your stance. You are correct, you shouldn't ever be forced or guilted into having sex. Likewise then, your husband shouldn't be obligated to stay in a sexless marriage. You BOTH have the right for a happy, fulfilling life even if that means apart from one another. My story, my ex told me that she could go the rest of her life without sex and that would be okay with her. Myself, everyday is fine and sometimes not enough. It wasn't the ultimate demise of our marriage but to me was a clear symptom. I worked 50+ hours a week and still did the laundry, helped with the kids, etc. I wasn't perfect but I put a lot of effort into my marriage. My current wife, thought she was getting to that age where sex wasn't comfortable. Had to use lots of lube due to being extremely dry (verified by her sister in a hilarious conversation) and went to her doctor to have libido levels checked and other medical reason looked at. Now that we are together (she is 48 and I am 35) we have sex everyday and on most days 2-3 times a day. Never one time used lube. This may be TMI but she actually squirts quite often. Something she had never done before me. Sex is only a portion of our relationship and even though we have only been together for 2 years, she is my soulmate. We are true partners in every sense of the word. I feel empathy for your husband. I tried everything to make my marriage work, including MC, IC, and even psychologist appointments for my wife (recommended by her dr.) and nothing. To hear someone you care about say they could go the rest of their lives and never have sex again was a huge blow to my psyche. I already felt a failure for many other reasons and that was just the icing on the cake. I'd rather be single than in a marriage where I am not desired. I'd be willing to bet also that the two of you don't share many non-sex intimate moments either correct? Now that it is all said and done I feel I was used by my ex for financial gain, for my being a good father to my kids, and for social status. We live in small town and I think she liked being known as my wife. This is a serious problem in your marriage even if it isn't for you directly. Do you feel like it is fair to your husband? It seems something is severely out of balance.

[Turtles]

What saddens me with the post is it is very unilateral. You didn't come here to ask for suggestions. In essence you are saying sex is not important to you and you understand it sucks for your husband but that's really his problem and not yours. But I think if you love him, his problem is your problem too and you should be trying to find a solution with him. What happens when you have a problem and he decides it's not worth his time or effort to be there for you?