To wives : how many of you could exist without sex with your husband?

[Babs22]

I think if a spouse is genuinely being unloving on a consistent basis, then it would make sense that a woman wouldn't want to be intimate with him. I do wonder, however, how many men become distant, less loving, grumpy, etc. because they are having so little sex. It can be a chicken/egg thing. And almost everywhere I have read on the web, it is sort of expected that the man's job (or whoever is being denied sex) is to be as perfect as possible for as long as possible until the women (or denier) feels like doing it.

 

I'm not 100% sure that is always the best go to method, as real human people are not made from cookie cutters.

 

I have been with my H for 30 years now. Married for 20 of them. I did not deny him sex, but I did not make it a priority. Yes, with children running around the house, it was not always easy to find alone time. I did notice that my husband would become grumpy, probably passive aggressive when it had been awhile since we had sex. When he would get in a mood, I would stop and think about how long it had been since we had sex. Usually, it had been longer than I realized. I would then make sure to find time for sex. I kept thinking, acting grumpy is so counter-intuitive to what he wanted, but since I knew what it was about, I would make it happen. There was always an immediate mood change. Basically, that boy needed to get laid.

 

Also, OP, I also thought I just wasn't interested in sex very much either, or I would have made it more of a priority, not just to help his mood. I now realize that I had lost attraction to my H. I do believe not wanting to have sex with your H, is an indicator that things are not going well in your marriage.

[TexasMan68]

Just keep in mind if you don't make time for intimacy and sex with him someone out there will.

[MJJean]

I don't agree with giving sex as a reward or withholding it as a punishment.

 

I don't even understand why anyone would want to withhold sex as a punishment. If one is trying to elicit a certain response through manipulation there are better ways to do it.

 

Withholding sex as a manipulation means you aren't getting any, either. It's cutting off your own nose to spite your face. Totally illogical.

[redtail]

For what it's worth, the OP is long gone.

 

Literally and figuratively...

[autumnnight]

I don't even understand why anyone would want to withhold sex as a punishment. If one is trying to elicit a certain response through manipulation there are better ways to do it.

 

Withholding sex as a manipulation means you aren't getting any, either. It's cutting off your own nose to spite your face. Totally illogical.

 

And it can be very subtle. Saying "I won't have sex with you because you aren't making me feel X...." Is that punishment? Maybe not...but it sure sounds like it. Then again, sometimes it is advocated. Just yesterday elsewhere on the internet I read where someone actually advised a woman to withhold sex from her husband until he did so-and-so. I wasn't surprised, but I was most certainly disgusted.

[SunshineGirlie]

Sorry to hijack - but for those of you in your 30s or above, on average, how many times a week are you having sex with your spouse?

[Mr. Lucky]

Sorry to hijack - but for those of you in your 30s or above, on average, how many times a week are you having sex with your spouse?

 

Don't think you can hijack a dead thread.

 

Well past 30 . 1-3 times per week, guess that makes 2 average...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MJJean]

And it can be very subtle. Saying "I won't have sex with you because you aren't making me feel X...." Is that punishment? Maybe not...but it sure sounds like it. Then again, sometimes it is advocated. Just yesterday elsewhere on the internet I read where someone actually advised a woman to withhold sex from her husband until he did so-and-so. I wasn't surprised, but I was most certainly disgusted.

 

There is a definite difference between withholding sex as punishment and/or manipulation and withholding sex because you don't feel loved, wanted, or your partner isn't putting in any effort so that you enjoy it, that's for sure.

 

I can see saying "Hey, you want more sex and I'll be happy to have it with you, but I need you to do X so that I will be able to be turned on and into it."

[SunshineGirlie]

Don't think you can hijack a dead thread.

 

Well past 30 . 1-3 times per week, guess that makes 2 average...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I guess that does indeed, make you...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Sorry, had to

 

And on a related note, I feel like I must be the only woman on here who wants it way more than her husband, and gets rejected almost every time she tries to initiate.

[MJJean]

Sorry to hijack - but for those of you in your 30s or above, on average, how many times a week are you having sex with your spouse?

 

We're both 39. Average about 4-5 times a week.

[Davey L]

It's been mentioned above but I'd like to reinforce one point. It's not so much the sexual frustration (that can be taken care of by masturbating) but the knowledge that you aren't wanted.

 

A physical problem can be understood and coped with. A man can understand it and a wife can show affection and love in other ways. It is the lack of any intimacy or feeling of love that is so damaging.

 

When we were down to once a month, after a year had gone at that frequency I was ready to leave. It was either that or have an affair, just for the feeling of being desired. If my wife had shown affection through kisses, touch and hugs I'd have been OK, but that had stopped too. In the end I read Athol Kay's book and since then things have improved somewhat.

 

Women need to understand how damaging it is to withhold sex. If they really want to be cruel, and face divorce or an affair then go ahead and stop the sex. Otherwise sort it out.

[redtail]

Sorry to hijack - but for those of you in your 30s or above, on average, how many times a week are you having sex with your spouse?

 

As opposed to who?

 

But seriously, I'm 59 and my wife and I have sex 2-3 times a week!

[autumnnight]

It's been mentioned above but I'd like to reinforce one point. It's not so much the sexual frustration (that can be taken care of by masturbating) but the knowledge that you aren't wanted.

 

A physical problem can be understood and coped with. A man can understand it and a wife can show affection and love in other ways. It is the lack of any intimacy or feeling of love that is so damaging.

 

When we were down to once a month, after a year had gone at that frequency I was ready to leave. It was either that or have an affair, just for the feeling of being desired. If my wife had shown affection through kisses, touch and hugs I'd have been OK, but that had stopped too. In the end I read Athol Kay's book and since then things have improved somewhat.

 

Women need to understand how damaging it is to withhold sex. If they really want to be cruel, and face divorce or an affair then go ahead and stop the sex. Otherwise sort it out.

 

This is heartbreakingly true. And there is ZERO excuse for it. Period. It is every bit an inexcusable as cheating, and just as deliberate.

[Sassy Girl]

It's been mentioned above but I'd like to reinforce one point. It's not so much the sexual frustration (that can be taken care of by masturbating) but the knowledge that you aren't wanted.

 

A physical problem can be understood and coped with. A man can understand it and a wife can show affection and love in other ways. It is the lack of any intimacy or feeling of love that is so damaging.

 

When we were down to once a month, after a year had gone at that frequency I was ready to leave. It was either that or have an affair, just for the feeling of being desired. If my wife had shown affection through kisses, touch and hugs I'd have been OK, but that had stopped too. In the end I read Athol Kay's book and since then things have improved somewhat.

 

Women need to understand how damaging it is to withhold sex. If they really want to be cruel, and face divorce or an affair then go ahead and stop the sex. Otherwise sort it out.

 

Men too also need to know how damaging it is to withhold from their wives...add in the fact that our bodies have changed due to birthing children and the rejection is humiliating. Self esteem in the toilet.

 

Sorry to hijack - but for those of you in your 30s or above, on average, how many times a week are you having sex with your spouse?

 

once a month...so whats that? 1/4 a week? And thats usually short and sharp due to PE issues. Orgasm rate is about 50/50 right now.

 

I guess that does indeed, make you...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Sorry, had to

 

And on a related note, I feel like I must be the only woman on here who wants it way more than her husband, and gets rejected almost every time she tries to initiate.

 

Nope. See above.

[Davey L]

Men too also need to know how damaging it is to withhold from their wives...add in the fact that our bodies have changed due to birthing children and the rejection is humiliating. Self esteem in the toilet.

 

 

 

once a month...so whats that? 1/4 a week? And thats usually short and sharp due to PE issues. Orgasm rate is about 50/50 right now.

 

How much does this happen? Men not giving their wives the sex they need? I used to think it wa always wives withholding but I realise now that that is not the case.

 

I know one woman who told me her husband hadn't had sex with her in nearly a year. I think she was looking for an affair partner. I couldn't comprehend why he didn't want sex with his wife.

[Sassy Girl]

How much does this happen? Men not giving their wives the sex they need? I used to think it wa always wives withholding but I realise now that that is not the case.

 

I know one woman who told me her husband hadn't had sex with her in nearly a year. I think she was looking for an affair partner. I couldn't comprehend why he didn't want sex with his wife.

 

I get that. My affair partner can't comprehend it either.

[CALOVELY]

How much does this happen? Men not giving their wives the sex they need? I used to think it wa always wives withholding but I realise now that that is not the case.

 

I know one woman who told me her husband hadn't had sex with her in nearly a year. I think she was looking for an affair partner. I couldn't comprehend why he didn't want sex with his wife.

 

Using sex as a weapon to punish someone knows no gender. Plenty of wives are not having the sex lives they want.

[SunshineGirlie]

Men too also need to know how damaging it is to withhold from their wives...add in the fact that our bodies have changed due to birthing children and the rejection is humiliating. Self esteem in the toilet.

 

Yes, this.

[central]

My ex never had much interest in sex, and after marriage and a child, lost even that. It was a major source of friction between us, and the major factor in deciding to divorce her 15 years ago at age 45.

 

I quickly got into a truly great relationship. Even now, sex averages daily, but for the first 5 years, it was twice a day or more. Our libidos have declined with age, but we both make an effort to have sex and we still manage to keep it interesting and exciting. We both enjoy it too much once we get started to forget to start it. It's an effort, but a very worthwhile one.

[Got it]

We are 1-2x a week. We need to ramp it up. We are very physically affectionate throughout the time we are together. Right now we can't have sex because of medical restrictions with me but he is taken care of. I would like to average 3x a week.

[ASG]

Reading this thread I have been reminded that I have been in a sexless relationship. I guess it was kinda mutual though... neither of us ever raised the subject, but then again, we were very young... and hadn't realised we weren't actually in love with each other and that after the honeymoon period we'd just become... comfortable! I think in the last year of our relationship we had sex, maybe, twice...

 

This is to say that I think attraction plays a very big part. And your husband might be a lovely partner and great father to your children, but you might have fallen out of love (this is a generic you, BTW), and don't feel any need for sex anymore.

 

This is tough, because there are many kinds of love, even within a relationship. And if you ask me if I'd had been ok with my BF going to find sex elsewhere... No, I wouldn't have been. I don't think that anyone will say they would be, men or women.

 

So I can only hope it never happens again, even though, at the time, it was a non issue, as I think we were both in the same boat and it never really came up... i think we both knew it wasn't normal, but we weren't too worried about it...

[SSJROMANCE]

I think I can speak for my wife because I know her very well. She doesn't masterbate as far as I can tell but she is 49 and our sex life is better than is has ever been. If we had the energy we could have sex everyday twice a day. She has had her ups and downs but right now I can barely keep up.

[NateCohen]

Just goes to prove that some well-planned and well-timed tricks can get even the geekiest guy in the mood for love!