To wives : how many of you could exist without sex with your husband?

[DKT3]

Hello

 

I have been with my husband for 12 years. All in all, he's a good guy, caring, generous. I love family life with our 3 children and being a mother but honestly I don't have any interest in sex. If my husband became impotent tomorrow, fine with me. I'm hitting 40 next year and I'm just soo tired of feeling 'defect' and like a bad wife because I'd just simply rather read a good book, have a bath, clean out the garage, walk the dog, bake 40 cupcakes (you name it) than have sex.....

 

 

Am I REALLY the only wife feeling this way?

 

 

How many of you are REALLY craving it? How many of you are faking it? How do you deal with the 'duty Dilemma'?

 

 

Thank you!

 

I can't speak for other men, but I'm not interested in "DUTY SEX".

 

Your husband is a man and he has feeling and emotions. He desires to be desired, to be wanted. Others have said it, but since its unlikely your husband will become impotent, and you want to stay married you need to figure out the issue.

 

Honestly, without sex most men will lose the bond between himself and his wife.

Edited December 31, 2014 by DKT3

[Hope Shimmers]

But again, how many over 35 year old mothers masturbate frequently? Aren't we just moving out of our childbearing age?

 

I'm 49, divorced mother of 3 children, and I masturbate VERY frequently. I'm single (divorced) and in between relationships. Before that I was married for 15+ years and never stopped wanting sex. So I think you may be assuming things.

[Babs22]

I am 49 years old and have never faked an orgasm. I have been married for 20 years and lived with my husband for 9 years before that. I think i made sex a non-priority with my husband as I raised my two boys. Even though we still had sex, maybe once or twice a month,and he always made sure I reached orgasm, I lost the intimacy we once had. I had never even thought of having an affair, but 2 years ago that changed. I met someone and we just clicked, he fulfilled some needs I had involving feeling unloved. My husband rarely if ever told me he loved me and rarely if ever complimented me about anything. The man I met really made me feel special. He is married as well (no kids), but his sex life with his wife was not good. After 10 years of marriage, they rarely had sex and when they did she made him feel like it was all wrong. I remember him telling me, "she doesn't like me that way." The affair started before either one of us knew what was happening. The sex we have is incredible and the connection I feel with him is amazing. I do believe if you don't figure out how to have a fulfilling sex life with your husband (one that you both enjoy), it is highly likely he may look outside the marriage. Figure out what your hangups are, go to counseling, because sex can be amazing and very enjoyable. I am currently having the best sex of my life, just not with my husband.

 

I know everyone is going to say, don't cheat on your spouses, get a divorce and move on. For reasons that would take too long to explain, neither one of us has left our spouses yet. I almost did a year ago, but my youngest son started having difficulties with depression and I did not want to upset his world.

 

I only tell you this so you will know what could happen if you or your husband's needs are not met. Make repairing/rekindling your sex life a priority for the health of your marriage. Good luck.

[evanescentworld]

Marunda, as a wife who was in a sexless marriage for some considerable time, I'm going to be blunt.

 

You've gone off sex, but admit it: Occasionally you wish that you DID have a sex drive, because actually, it might be nice to have a passionate interlude.

But the moment you look at your H - it passes.

 

I stayed in this marriage through thick and thin, and throughout, we treated the situation as MY problem. MY libido (or total lack of it) my unwillingness, lack of desire.... you name it.

It was all put at "my door" and I was the culprit, the defective one, the one who needed fixing.

 

Then, inevitably we parted ways.

I met my current H. and discovered that it hadn't been 'me' all those years.

It honestly hadn't been 'him' either.

I just didn't fancy him any more.

We had become best buddies, not lovers. Room-mates, not husband and wife. Partners, not a couple. A friendship, not a relationship.

I loved him, but was not IN love with him.

 

And so it came to pass that current H and I are everything my ex and I never were.

 

You'd better sit up and take notice.

It's not that you have no libido, no passion, no desire.

 

It's just that you have no libido, no passion, no desire - for HIM.

This relationship you have, has blossomed, flourished, bloomed, wilted, faded and died.

 

Time to consider carefully whether you want to stick to the same field, or consider releasing BOTH of you to find pastures new.

 

I'm serious.

Because otherwise, you have the rest of your life to spend with a friend, when both of you could have so, so much more.

[sandylee1]

OP

 

You could be going through a phase and might be overwhelmed by the amount of work associated with being a mom.

 

Do you have date nights with your H?

Do you ever get quality alone time together?

 

There was a time I seemed to loose interest myself, but looking back that was because I felt unappreciated, I hated and still do hate my body (overweight), I was resentful that I did almost all chores around the house. was mid thirties then.

 

I found it such a chore and a big effort to make love, though I enjoyed it when we did.

 

Now mid forties, I'm interested again. But honestly if your H keeps getting rejected your walking on thin ice. My H actually said to me back then 'would you blame me if I cheated'.

 

I think you may just need to get in the mood with a break from the kids. Young kids are hard work and it can be really tiring.

[redtail]

Just don't think the picture of kind parents during the day and humping porn stars at night matches.

 

Really, hmmm. Those "humping porn stars" as you put it are what created this family of yours, and now you have disdain for the very act that got you here?

[hotgurl]

God,

I would die without sex. I am over 35 and have a child and have been with my husband for 13 years. In fact I wish we had more sex.

 

Seriously what is the point of being married if you don't have sex?

 

 

Why bother. Your poor husband.

[sandylee1]

To answer your original question though. ......yes I could live without it. He couldn't though.

 

I would need by B.O.B. though ( battery operated boyfriend). I couldn't manage without that.

[spanz1]

 

Seriously what is the point of being married if you don't have sex?

.

 

well it IS hard to scratch your own back too!

[loveboid]

I'm 39 and left my husband for lack of communication and lack of sex.

 

I know my sex drive and knew it wasn't me. And it's true. I found someone else who lights my fire.

 

Maybe you'll feel better with some rest and a vacation? It's not uncommon for people to stop taking care of themselves when they have kids.

[jackslife]

Honestly, without sex most men will lose the bond between himself and his wife.

 

^^^^^^ This is 100% accurate. It should be written as an advisory note into wedding vows.

[jackslife]

We had become best buddies, not lovers. Room-mates, not husband and wife. Partners, not a couple. A friendship, not a relationship.

I loved him, but was not IN love with him..

 

Not trying to threadjack here, but this does seem to happen with a lot of marriages. Especially long, well established ones with children. So many marriages seem to become two good friends sharing a house and raising their children. It happens so often, to so many people it makes you wonder if there is almost a natural progression to a marriage and this is the turn it takes.

[hotgurl]

A person you spend a lot of time with and don't have sex with is a friend. I am not interested in having more friends. I want a husband.

 

Besides sex is fun. I feels good, you feel so much closer too the other person, It relieves stress. Why not do it.

 

I especially like nooners. Hubby and I took advantage of having yesterday off and no kids in the house and spent the afternoon in bed.

[autumnnight]

I would hope that a spouse who doesn't care if their SO's need for intimacy gets met would have the decency to leave so that their SO doesn't have to starve for the rest of their lives.

[SmartDude]

Not trying to threadjack here, but this does seem to happen with a lot of marriages. Especially long, well established ones with children. So many marriages seem to become two good friends sharing a house and raising their children. It happens so often, to so many people it makes you wonder if there is almost a natural progression to a marriage and this is the turn it takes.

 

Nothing natural about that.

 

I think either the institution of marriage is flawed or 99% of people are doing it wrong. Something just aint right. Those pesky mortgages on houses probablly has something to do with the whole mess. I imagine people get stuck together with kids and a house and well...They just kind of stay there.

[Almond_Joy]

Hello

 

I have been with my husband for 12 years. All in all, he's a good guy, caring, generous. I love family life with our 3 children and being a mother but honestly I don't have any interest in sex. If my husband became impotent tomorrow, fine with me. I'm hitting 40 next year and I'm just soo tired of feeling 'defect' and like a bad wife because I'd just simply rather read a good book, have a bath, clean out the garage, walk the dog, bake 40 cupcakes (you name it) than have sex.....

 

 

Am I REALLY the only wife feeling this way?

 

 

How many of you are REALLY craving it? How many of you are faking it? How do you deal with the 'duty Dilemma'?

 

 

Thank you!

 

.....did you ever enjoy sex with your husband? Did it do anything for you not just physically but emotionally?

 

I can't believe that if you have ever had truly intimate, stimulating sex with this man that you would pick a book over that experience hands down, every time.

 

It is really easy to see sex as a chore if you've never gotten anything out of it. But good sex? Man....even if it's rare I'd still want it. The playfulness, the feeling of being desired, the closeness.....so much awesome!

[violet1]

Could religion be a factor? I was raised in a religion that you wait until married to have sex and that oral sex is unnatural and wrong. I always felt that sex was disgusting as well. It was beat so heavily into my head that I've always struggled with sex. I lost my virginity when I was 20 before I got married and I felt a lot of guilt the entire time. I went through a promiscuous time period, but it made me feel gross. I'm learning to not let my previous religious expectations rule my sex life, but it's been a challenge through all of my adulthood. Sex issues can and will ruin a relationship. Have you thought about seeing a sex therapist?

[Got it]

I hope the OP comes back to explain further. Why continue the marriage if you have zero interest in him sexually? This isn't fair to anyone. And yet, if he cheats, he will be raked over the coals.

 

If you don't want to have sex, divorce. Your husband deserves better.

 

And I am over 35 and still very interested in sex. And do not think it is distasteful. I am confused where the kids came from if one is opposed to the act??

[Bellaisa]

Love this question.

 

I used to be quite sexual, but suddenly my desire stopped. Nothing changed expect my desire. I thought it might be normal, but just this year I went to get some blood work done and found out I had hypothyroidism, which has a side effect of low libido. And, since I've been on synthroid, I've noticed that attitude of not wanting sex - at all - is starting to disappear.

 

In other words, rule out any health problems before you decide it is just who you are.

[loveboid]

12 years with the same guy and still pretending you get excited by the outlook of sex?!

 

Maybe this is the problem. Were you always pretending?

Edited January 3, 2015 by loveboid
spelling

[BikerAccnt]

I couldn't make it past this post. I gotta ask, do you care about your husband? Or do you expect him to just deal with it because it isn't important to YOU? If it's such a bother, would you allow him to get it elsewhere?

 

This is what my EX expected. That I would just deal with it because it wasn't important to HER, wasn't a problem FOR HER.

 

You notice, she is now my EX-wife.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I don't really feel that reinforcing the fact that she feels defective by stating that her sex drive should pick up in her 40's is the right way to go about things otherwise she has hormonal problems or her body is not functioning according to yours, nor is it the truth.

 

I can't understand to my logic, how people are one day on here saying that everyone is a unique little butterfly and completely different and not to generalize...and then the next day in another thread generalizing about something completely different without even realizing it because for them it's a non-threatening issue.

 

It is possible for her sex drive not to pick up, it is possible for her sex-drive to have never been normal or high, it is possible for her to be like one of a billion other wives who do not have even the slightest interest in sex and essentially barter with their husbands so that they do not lose them and their "families" or do it as a necessary and unpleasant evil.

 

What she is saying is generally "common knowledge" and hasn't been heard before, when it is a common theme among married women when it comes to having sex with their husbands.

 

"How many of you are REALLY craving it? How many of you are faking it? How do you deal with the 'duty Dilemma'?"

 

But for some reason, you come on LS and have to argue something you could basically learn walking down to your own street corner as basically common sense. It's so common and prevalent and why tons of men are not sexually satisfied in their relationships, because once the family unit is established for many women that becomes the priority and essentially romance is over...and people think that strip clubs and prostitutes are used by single men, they're not...the vast majority of these guys are married men.

 

So i'm glad that some women here are just being honest about it...it's so frustrating and irritating to see men get bashed over the head because they don't take her out on a vacation, do more dishes and things around the house, or the long list of ridiculous suggestions that are a waste of time for the majority of most men suffering from this issue in their relationship. It would be so much damn easier on women if they could just admit that they don't have the desire to have sex any longer (I'm not calling anyone a liar here btw that says they do need it frequently, but you need to realize this is a huge problem for married men and a very typical/common one that usually gets blamed on the man).

 

The other possibility is but not absolute to any extent, is that maybe your spark has fizzled for him...and that's why you have no romantic desire for him. Sometimes the spark just fizzles, sometimes when you met the person you were different and in a different place than who you are now, and you may not be all that intrigued or captivated by the man you are with based on the changes that happened within you. Maybe this relationship has just reached a point where you are disconnected emotionally and can no longer derive anything from this relationship romantically speaking...because I can almost guarantee you, that if you were to divorce this guy, there's a good chance you'd be humping some other guy fairly vigorously within the year...you could be, and I've seen a lot of women bring out the vagina from the attic once that new and elusive/intriguing guy gets thrown back into the mix, where they have to figure him out, understand him and learn everything about him again, and it's just all so different and new and exciting again...I've seen that trigger something in women, maybe not necessarily sexual but it gets them to open the legs up again however I don't know if down the road you'll reach the same crossroads you are now with your husband.

 

But I come from a belief that most relationships have a time-limit, where you no longer get what you used to get out of it...so kind of like a lemon you've got to squeeze every last drop out of it just to make one more lemonade, and you just do that until there's no more...and then after that just try and push on with that and kind of see how far you can go until you absolutely need lemonade again...or better yet, learned to live without it.

 

Anyway, I think it's a disservice to what marriage or better yet, relationships should be and what they should be about...however many disagree with me and feel the everyday hum and drum is more than enough to established a marriage if there are kids included in it. But the reality is, he will eventually look elsewhere...I'd say just save yourself some time and open the relationship up, and let him do what he needs to do on the side or make a decision and leave, see if you can come to a mutual agreement. However some women want to keep a mans penis on lock down regardless of whether his needs are being met or not...so if you're one of those women too, damn...feel sorry for this guy, he risks either being labeled a "cheater" or going through the painful process of breaking up the family over this, I'd hope you be mature instead and do it mutually and like adults, instead of you being selfish about your wants and needs and expecting him to live and suffer without.

 

Unfortunately there's a lot of neglect and acceptance that I've some women commit out there on men, absolutely no empathy, sympathy for any emotions or perspectives of their own...regardless of what their partner has to endure, as if the entire relationship is just about them...even when it's not fair, and even when there isn't a solution...I've seen all too often the kind of mind games women play on men just to keep them around, full well knowing they can't and won't ever give them what they need...I just hope you're a bit more conscious, aware and responsible than that.

[spanz1]

looks like marunda could not take the heat. bet her poor hubby is still blue in the nether-regions.

[Jswscents]

Sex is a very important part of any relationship. Everybody wants to feel love, needed and attractive. I could not live without having sex with my husband or feeling like he is no longer attracted to me. I know the feeling, hated the feeling and did not stop looking for a solution. The way I see it is we will have a lot of time to be each other's companion but as long a time being able to make love. Therefore I am enjoying it while I can.

[sureño]

If you don't want to have sex, divorce. Your husband deserves better.

Easy to say hard carring it out.

Do you know what it means to be a home apart? from both, the emotional and also economic point of view.

Many couples prefer to keep together and overcome their differences as best as they can. that is the sad reality.