Affair(s)

[DueceCoupe]

Gather round friends and listen to my tale of misery and woe.

I am so confused that I cannot bear my life as it has become.

Its a long,kind of complicated story....I'm going to do my best to condense it to make it easier on You.

 

 

My wife and I have been off and on together since the tender age of 8 years old. We are both 44 now. Together the last 14 years,married the last 7. I have one biological child with her (11) and have 3 step children from her previous marriage.

Together,I work 2nd shift,She works 3rd shift and we share a first shift caretaker type position,which in exchange for the work (less than 15 hours weekly) gives Us a 6 bedroom home along with a paycheck.

 

Pretty cool,huh? Rent free,and getting paid. Been doing this for the last 9 years. Sounds good on paper,but it started getting to Her.

She wanted a home of her own instead of feeling like we were always on call.

But...that lure of being rent free kept me from fulfilling the promise of getting our own place. I spent a lot of time and money,doing things with the step children. Lot of time and money on hot rods and motorcycles with them.

 

She didn't see it that way....saw it as putting her hopes and dreams on the back burner.

Sure we had ups and downs,I did some careless things with money here and there....but the marriage generally seemed Happy.

About the beginning of our 8th year here....I sensed the change in Her.

Lovemaking became more distant and sporadic.

 

Everything seemed to become more distant until this past June when I heard the "I Love You,but am not in Love with You" speech.

I was crushed....but we had gone through this once before moving into this house.

That time she was upset because I wasn't pulling my fair share of chores.

So,although I was crushed....I thought I could fix things and be ok.

 

I was wrong. I'm a pretty resourceful guy and went to the internet and ran her very words. All seemed to come back with a affair was certainly a possibility. I asked her and she told me no. I took her word for it. Did the 40 day Love Dare....twice. Washed her SUV,did dishes and laundry every single day. Took over the caretaker job completely on my own the entire Summer,just so she could get some rest. All of this just pushed her further out of my reach. She told me she wanted a divorce. Didn't want anything,just wanted to be out on her own.....felt like we had grown apart and had no reason to try and save her marriage.

 

One day,I came home....her facebook was open and there it was....she had been on a mutual Male friends page a staggering 87 times in 2 weeks time. I asked Her...she denied it,telling me they were only friends. Things continued spiraling downward. More talk of divorce from Her. She took off her wedding ring,I took off mine. Facebook status was changed to separated. Eventually I had enough....left work early,She wasn't home. Drove to the friends house and sure enough....My wife's truck was parked behind the house.

 

I banged on every door and window of the house,confronted "the friend" who led me inside to my wife.

It got ugly,I told her to come home and pack her things.

She came home and pleaded with me to allow her to live here until February so she could get her finances in order to move out.

She still insisted that nothing was happening,only a friendship,but what did it matter?

We were only co-habitating and were separated after all,right?

My gut feeling that night,was I had caught the affair and it was far from a friendship.

They both denied it though.

So....here's where things get tricky.

After that night,I swore I was done.

No more trying from Me....nothing.

I went total black out on Her.

In order to do this,I started spending the nights at friends house.

This friend I dated 26 years ago.

Our relationship ended when she had to move out of State with her Father.

She came back a year later but by then....the timing was always off.

But we always maintained a very close relationship.

She and Her Husband would come hang out with my wife and I frequently.

She got divorced 3 years ago.....and when I first started going there it was all about how I should still be trying to save my marriage.

I told her I was done,no matter what.

And....she and I became Lovers.

Been dating her since September 20th.

We are very much in Love....

But,dont you know:

In November,I noticed my wife wearing earrings I had bought her while still trying to win her back.

She invited me to breakfast one morning,where She told me,she had made a mistake.

She was willing to try and wanted to reconcile.

I put off her advances and slowed down the other relationship.

I needed time to think and sort my feelings out.

On Christmas Eve my wife came clean with everything.

It had been an affair (no kidding),She had felt so alone that when the OM started showing her attention,she felt it would be the easiest way to let go of Me.

Only when I showed up that night did she realize her shame and guilt.

The relationship ended the very next day,Her choice.

There has been zero contact,and she is willing to be completely transparent,ie Facebook,phone records all open and easy access.

My wife apologizes every single day and is trying very hard to reconcile.

I spoke with the mutual friend yesterday (hardest conversation of my life) without my wife knowing and everything she told me seems to be true.

So,she had a relationship during our live in separation,and when I uncovered it....I did too.

I still Love My wife.....but am also very much in Love with my Girlfriend.

My Life has become a jumbled mass of feelings and confusion.....

I cannot bear the thought of hurting either one of them.

My Girlfriend isn't someone I just met,apparently we both have had feelings for a very long time.

My marriage is a horrible mess of trust issues at this point....not so much because of the OM...but because of the lies and the horrible things she told me while telling me she wanted out.

Her reasons for wanting to reconcile are,She can see how much I have honestly tried to fix things,how I stepped up even while she was telling me it was over.

But with the Girlfriend (who knows my wife wants to reconcile) there is no trust issues,no problems.

She makes enough money,I know its not about that.

She just wants Me for Me.

I'm so confused and stressed right now.

Please....God,I need advice.

Edited December 31, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[EgoJoe]

I'm sorry to hear of your misfortune.

Edited December 31, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[jbrent890]

My friend, you have an opportunity that many BSs would love to be in. I think one of the reasons many BSs stay in the marriage is fear of starting over. Dating for some people is not an easy process. In fact, it's pretty scary. However, you are in a new relationship. You have the ability to start fresh. Before reading the end of your post, I knew your wife would be asking for a second chance. It actually amazes me how WWs choose to leave, see that the grass isn't greener, then come running back, especially if they see you are moving on. As my friend loves to say "the comedy writes itself." Do you honestly think you can get over her betrayal? Are you ready for triggers, nightmares, and mind movies? For me, as hard as your situation is, it's a no brainier, I would stay in the new relationship. Take a breath and slow down with both women. I think you mentioned to your new girlfriend that you wife wants you back. Take a couple of days and no longer to think about how you want to spend the next few years. It's a very rough decision indeed, but it's not fair to keep both women waiting for a response. Please keep us updated on this.

[DueceCoupe]

My friend, you have an opportunity that many BSs would love to be in. I think one of the reasons many BSs stay in the marriage is fear of starting over. Dating for some people is not an easy process. In fact, it's pretty scary. However, you are in a new relationship. You have the ability to start fresh. Before reading the end of your post, I knew your wife would be asking for a second chance. It actually amazes me how WWs choose to leave, see that the grass isn't greener, then come running back, especially if they see you are moving on. As my friend loves to say "the comedy writes itself." Do you honestly think you can get over her betrayal? Are you ready for triggers, nightmares, and mind movies? For me, as hard as your situation is, it's a no brainier, I would stay in the new relationship. Take a breath and slow down with both women. I think you mentioned to your new girlfriend that you wife wants you back. Take a couple of days and no longer to think about how you want to spend the next few years. It's a very rough decision indeed, but it's not fair to keep both women waiting for a response. Please keep us updated on this.

 

You,are the first to have given me this advice.

My Pastor,Friends all seem to think that staying in the marriage regardless of how I feel is the answer.

That its the "right" thing to do.

I appreciate your comment.

I am hoping to have an answer by New Years Day.

I cannot continue on like this.

And do NOT wish to hurt anyone involved.

Your comment is a breath of fresh air......

Although starting over is no easy task.

I will lose my Dogs (girlfriend allready has 2),My Health Insurance,and possibly my step kids.

I am weighing the pros and cons.

Its tough.....

Edited December 30, 2014 by DueceCoupe

[tobrieornottobrie]

I'm so sorry to hear that you are hurting and having a hard time. Have you and your wife considered any sort of marital counseling? Would the two of you be open to that? What about individual counseling? Maybe having someone to talk to would be helpful as you try to sort through this. I hope that things get better for you, wishing you the best of luck.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

[lolablue17]

I have been in a very different situation but similar in the way that I had to choose between my separated wife who wanted me back, and my new GF. My mind exploded with all the thoughts and calculations.

 

I went to my sister and asked for her advice. It took 2 hours for me to describe my confusion and the arguments for each choice.

 

Then my sister asked me "why don't you do what your heart tells you and forget all the arguments and calculations? Who do you really love? where do you want to go now this minute? this is your direction".

 

So i chose to stay with my new GF (Who is my current wife). That's the same advice i give you. Forget everything, just ask yourself where do you want to go now in an emotion and even childish view.

[road]

This is why people are told not to date while separated. It only makes the recovery of the marriage extremely difficult.

 

 

You want to date and you are married then you get a divorce. Being separated is not being divorced. You are still married.

 

 

Wise man once said:

 

 

Tough enough to eat a $h!t sandwich without making another $h!t sandwich to eat before you finished eating the first one.

Edited December 31, 2014 by road

[Tayla]

Start the physical separation from both relationships. Rebounding relationships rarely work after a long term relationship. Turn your good traits to use. Be civil to both ladies . Your honesty in sharing that you were both in other relations is a step in the right direction. Keep moving forward.

[DueceCoupe]

I have been in a very different situation but similar in the way that I had to choose between my separated wife who wanted me back, and my new GF. My mind exploded with all the thoughts and calculations.

 

I went to my sister and asked for her advice. It took 2 hours for me to describe my confusion and the arguments for each choice.

 

Then my sister asked me "why don't you do what your heart tells you and forget all the arguments and calculations? Who do you really love? where do you want to go now this minute? this is your direction".

 

So i chose to stay with my new GF (Who is my current wife). That's the same advice i give you. Forget everything, just ask yourself where do you want to go now in an emotion and even childish view.

 

Do you ever regret your choice?

Are you happier now in your new marriage?

[DueceCoupe]

This is why people are told not to date while separated. It only makes the recovery of the marriage extremely difficult.

 

 

You want to date and you are married then you get a divorce. Being separated is not being divorced. You are still married.

 

 

Wise man once said:

 

 

Tough enough to eat a $h!t sandwich without making another $h!t sandwich to eat before you finished eating the first one.

 

I understand and appreciate this.

I knew this before any of this ever happened,but....its happened.

Here to tell You,its all true.

I don't wish this situation on anybody.

[road]

I understand and appreciate this.

I knew this before any of this ever happened,but....its happened.

Here to tell You,its all true.

I don't wish this situation on anybody.

 

 

 

The solution when you know you are doing something wrong the first step is stop it.

 

 

[DKT3]

Your marriage wasn't working, you two have different plans. What your wife is having now is cheaters remorse. IE she can't stand the idea of you being happy without her.

 

Now, while I think this new relationship will struggle to last because your simply not ready. But it sounds like your wife is trying to manipulate you back into the marriage. How do you go from "love you but not in love with you" speech to "ill do anything to fix it"?

 

I would suggest you move on from the marriage, slow down on the new relationship and focus on yourself and your kids.

[Hope Shimmers]

Your marriage wasn't working, you two have different plans. What your wife is having now is cheaters remorse. IE she can't stand the idea of you being happy without her.

 

That's what lovin' had too. Yet you took her back. Mistake in my opinion, but to each his own.

 

OP, here is my opinion. Your wife (your WIFE) cheated on you in the most horrible way. Your girlfriend did not and has not. Are you going to dump the girlfriend you profess to love now that your cheating wife is coming back because things didn't work out perfectly for her with her other guy?

 

I'm guessing you will. Most men do.

[lil hoodlum]

Ditch the wife and keep the girlfriend.

 

Your wife would still be keeping up her escapades had you not caught her.

 

She played you for a fool, but you caught onto her act.

 

The wife can not be trusted anymore. Start the new year right and set the trash next to the curb where it belongs.

[lolablue17]

Do you ever regret your choice?

Are you happier now in your new marriage?

 

1. No, I dont regret

2. I'm very happy in my current marriage.

 

But it doesn't say anything. It says only that in a situation of uncertainty, when you don't KNOW which way to go, and you don't feel a sharp clear choice better than the other, follow your love. Surely it's not worse than logic.

Edited December 31, 2014 by lolablue17

[DueceCoupe]

Ditch the wife and keep the girlfriend.

 

Your wife would still be keeping up her escapades had you not caught her.

 

She played you for a fool, but you caught onto her act.

 

The wife can not be trusted anymore. Start the new year right and set the trash next to the curb where it belongs.

 

I'm not sure Man....

While not admitting it was what it was,She had made perfect plans to divorce Me.

Made it no secret we had separated.

She had no reason to come clean on Xmas Eve....yet She did.

I feel like the fact that She came clean says something.

[sandylee1]

Ask yourself if you'll ever be able to trust her fully again.

She lied to you even when you asked directly, but I guess that's a natural defence mechanism.

 

Is she coming back because it didn't work out with the other man?

I would want to know?

If she can cheat with a mutual friend I'd personally worry what she'd do.

 

Maybe being married to you a bit longer is a better financial move for her.

I've known people do that.

 

She grew distant, she cheated and lied and now she wants you back. What happens if she does it again.

 

Think about taking time alone and see how you feel. Then decide what to do. Don't decide I haste. Honestly though, I'm with you staying with the gf.

[jbrent890]

Do you honestly think that your wife would be begging for another chance if you were wallowing in misery? The answer to that question is no. The cold hard truth is that people don't miss you when you are gone, they miss you when you are doing better. Your wife sees that you are moving on with you life and her ego can't handle it. Don't you think it's strange that your wife waited until now to confess how she feels about you as opposed to when she supposedly broke it off with the OM? Again, the comedy writes itself.

[irishguy]

She probably seen how happy you were doing in your new relationship so she decided she wanted you again .And it took her along time to tell you the truth about the affair , if it is even all the truth .Is it because of the kids that you are thinking about giving her a second chance

[jm2013]

Your wife does not respect you. Her affair was probably going on for awhile. You've got a new woman who respects you. Why would you go in reverse and not forward? If you go back to your wife you'll start asking yourself the same questions everybody asks if she would have stayed at that moment and time and not left you. I think she actually did you a favor. Now you can invest 100% of your trust back into somebody who hasn't betrayed you on those levels. Oh how I miss that feeling. I agree with the other posters. She went off with her fling and found it not working so she's clawing at you to try and get you back. Her experiment failed and is running back to safety.

 

If you were wise you'd move on from that hot mess. You'd be way further than most of us. Otherwise if you go back to your cheating wife you'll find yourself here like many of us plastering your feelings all over a public forum in prolonged emotional trauma and stress asking yourself why the wife you knew cheated on you. You will never find your answer and the wheels will continuously spin unless you accept and forgive what she did or just move on and find a way to tuck it away inside and forge on with your marriage. Or you can just forget about it all and move on with your new girlfriend. The pain will slowly fade away and I'm sure you'll look back and say WOW I am so glad I made the right decision. Good luck to you.

[harrybrown]

If you go back, your wife will cheat again. She did not have trouble doing it before to you.

 

You will not be able to trust her and the mind games will haunt you.

 

good luck in finding peace. I do hope you find happiness.

[oldshirt]

I'm not sure Man....

While not admitting it was what it was,She had made perfect plans to divorce Me.

Made it no secret we had separated.

She had no reason to come clean on Xmas Eve....yet She did.

I feel like the fact that She came clean says something.

 

It probably says the OM wouldn't have her. Or it says that thoughts of harth and home on Christmas made her lonely and the OM had moved on as well.

 

Tread very very carefully here.

 

You haven't said anything about any fundamental changes taking place with you or your home. She was hell-bent to leave, if there hasn't been any changes, why does she want to come back to what she was so determined to leave????

[oldshirt]

As fare as wife vs GF, there are a few things to consider.

 

For starters there is absolutely no guarantees the GF will work out and no reason to assume you have any more or less potential with her than any other woman you'd be dating.

 

However it's easier to give birth than it is to resurrect the dead (-Athol Kay)

 

What that means is it will probably take less time,energy, effort, heartache and blood, sweat and tears to get your new relationship up and running than to repair the damage of your marriage and get that back to good running order.

 

Your marriage has a lot of damage and baggage there. It will take a lot of work and blood, sweat and tears to fix it and it will never be quite the same.

 

Reconciliations can be like overhauled a salvaged car that was totaled. You may be able to fix it up to where you can drive it to work in the morning but it often doesn't run like it used to and you never look at it with the same appreciation and esteem that you did before it was wrecked.

 

It comes down to do you want a new shiny car that you park in the garage and wax and buff it on schedule and are never late on an oil change and drive it with care? Or do you want an old beater that you park in the street and use it when it's raining and you have to drive down a muddy road and you're not really sure when you had it serviced last?

[oldshirt]

Maybe this is a better way to look at it....

 

Pretend you don't have a GF. would you consider taking your wife back if you were single and were just on the dating market dating but nothing serious?

 

Would you welcome her with open arms after all that she has done and all that she has put you through and be willing to put the past behind you and put in the work and effort and uncertainty of repairing the damage and trying to start anew?

 

Or would you consider the marriage dead and buried and would figure the hassle and potential for failure would be to great to try again?

[CALOVELY]

All three of you cheated. As horrible as your wifes actions were, that does not negate your actions and those of your girlfriend. You were married and made the choice to engage in an affair with your friend. She knew you were married and engaged in an affair with you. There are no winners in this story and no moral high ground to be had.

 

If it is trust you are looking for, you may want to consider ending it with both of them. Both have shown that fidelity is optional. Sadly, you made the same choice.

 

I do not say any of this to upset you. You are hurting and confused. I think you need to see the larger picture here though. It may very well be that neither of these women are the right fit for you given your history with both.