Affair(s)

[DueceCoupe]

I Read this thread again and I think I know what you should do. You should reconcile with your wife. Why?

 

1. You obviously want it. The way you talk about her, you just want her. I can tell.

 

2. All the arguments you mentioned, all refers to your wife - You even once didn't mention your GF as minor consideration in your decision. You never said something like "I love my GF and it will break my heart not being with her". You only expressed your concern about hurting her. So i think no matter what will you decide - To reconcile or not, You should break up with your current GF because clearly she isn't so important to you.

 

If i were your wife, reading this thread, I could see that your GF is not near to be a competition to me. Your wife can feel confident and relaxed.

 

Have to disagree.

My girlfriend is a very large consideration and is very important to me.

Mostly I ended up writing more of my wife due to the fact I have been responding to mostly comments/questions about Her.

Matter of fact,in my opening thread I mention that I am very much in Love with my girlfriend.

If this were not the case,I never would have posted here.....this whole thread is asking advice on how to decide.

 

 

As far as the other poster asking about the job solely being in her name:

Wife didn't do that and was unaware until I spoke to the board about her moving out.

The committee listed her as the one to make the checks out to and ended up listing her as the primary employee.

Neither of us knew until then.

Wife was able to read my posts as we do still live in the same house and stupid me,left the page tab open.

 

 

A general question....is there a way to multi-quote to answer responses on here?

Im neglecting a lot of responses and havn't figured out a way to do this yet.

Never mind....just saw it....

[LifesontheUp]

Do you think that you will be able to put in the hard work to reconcile your relationship with your wife?

 

What happens the next time your wife feels frustrated/fed up with you?

[Striver]

On the point of a BS dating before the end of the marriage, in my case WS has been dating OM for over six months. She filed a few months ago, but working out the legal stuff can take quite a while. She still lives in the house as do I, but there is no relationship anymore.

 

I think a BS should definitely take their time, but at some point further waiting does more harm than good. The BS is holding on to vestiges of a relationship that was abandoned by WS some time ago. So when it feels right, I am okay with BS moving on and finding someone new if the paperwork is in progress and not completed.

[loveboid]

Imagine you're in the same room with gf and W. Which way do your toes point? Gf? W? Door? That's your instinct and it's usually right.

[road]

On the point of a BS dating before the end of the marriage, in my case WS has been dating OM for over six months. She filed a few months ago, but working out the legal stuff can take quite a while. She still lives in the house as do I, but there is no relationship anymore.

 

I think a BS should definitely take their time, but at some point further waiting does more harm than good. The BS is holding on to vestiges of a relationship that was abandoned by WS some time ago. So when it feels right, I am okay with BS moving on and finding someone new if the paperwork is in progress and not completed.

 

 

 

Because the WS gives up acting moral then the BS is to wallow in the gutter as well?

 

 

Three left turns make a right. However no matter how ways you try to turn it you can not turn two wrongs into a right.

[Spectre]

Drop the wife and just stay with the gf. Why go back to a cheater?

[DueceCoupe]

Drop the wife and just stay with the gf. Why go back to a cheater?

 

Only reason I consider this is because we have so much history together.

Almost a life long relationship.

14 years together this time with mixed children,

I do still Love Her and want so badly to be able to believe her.

Last night She texted me from her job and said "I Love You" right before the New Year came in.

I just couldn't bring myself to say it back,I can still feel it,but do not feel like telling her that.

[DueceCoupe]

Drop the wife and just stay with the gf. Why go back to a cheater?

 

I also question this alot....the only things that have kept me from walking away from this whole mess is:

Was it truly cheating when She told me we were done (if its true the relationship happened with the OM after we agreed to separate)?

Am I any better for doing the same exact thing?

[DueceCoupe]

Do you think that you will be able to put in the hard work to reconcile your relationship with your wife?

 

What happens the next time your wife feels frustrated/fed up with you?

 

She says it will not happen again.

Wants our communication to be better and wants to be able to work through any problem as a team....something she claims we lacked prior to all this.

[Striver]

Because the WS gives up acting moral then the BS is to wallow in the gutter as well?

 

 

Three left turns make a right. However no matter how ways you try to turn it you can not turn two wrongs into a right.

 

We would probably be divorced already. She filed long enough ago that it could have happened in our state. The holdup is I feel her placement plan is unreasonable. Meanwhile, she's had a sexual relationship with OM going on 6 months.

 

I have not actually done anything. Not in love with anyone, no physical contact. Talked to a couple of women at parties, that's about it.

 

At this point any exceedingly dim prospects of reuniting this family would REQUIRE me to move on in every way at some fashion. There's simply no other choice. No other way WW will learn to respect me again, if that's ever possible, except through visceral, brute methods. Those are the facts of life. I don't want to waste any more time on something that no longer exists.

[Mal78]

I also question this alot....the only things that have kept me from walking away from this whole mess is:

Was it truly cheating when She told me we were done (if its true the relationship happened with the OM after we agreed to separate)?

Am I any better for doing the same exact thing?

 

I can imagine how this could be confusing. I'm confused reading it. If the relationship happened after you agreed to separate then how long after(was it the reason she needed to run to this OM?)? Was there an EA prior to you both agreeing to separate? If what she was doing was ok why was it nessisary to lie to you about it being physical? Why did it take so long for the whole truth to come forward (her version of it anyways)?

 

I get you are in the process of making sense of it all in your whole head but based on your description (and how others here perceive it) she cheated... plain and simple. You are comparing your relationship with your GF as doing the same thing as your wife did. However, it was VERY clear your relationship was over with your wife and it was well defined as being over.

 

I also understand kids are involved and a life was built however kids should not be the reason their parents "stick it out". It is not fair to them and if they had a say they would agree.

 

I know first hand that R is can be achieved after an affair. You, unfortunately have other factors to consider. I'm not saying your wife isn't worth a second chance nor am I saying your GF has more value than 12 Years of marriage. I do think you have to consider what you need to give up to make your wife happy again and will it take your happiness to do so? You are confused but are you happy?

 

My WH and I went through a rough patch a little while ago (I'm being really conservative when in my description). I decided to go to IC. You know what? It is not up to us to make others happy nor is it fair to expect others to make us happy. If your wife has a laundry list of things that you could to make her happy/satisfied/content believe you me it will just keep getting longer and longer. Of course we can make changes to better our relationship but we should not have to change ourselves.

 

My suggestion: Tell your wife to go to IC. Let her know sincerely (my WH did this for me) that you need her to find what makes her happy. And her saying, "you are the only one/thing that makes me happy" is a cop out and crap. If that is the case then that is pressure that no one person should have to carry. "Her happiness depends on you". This, of course is what I thought and more so what I thought my WH wanted to hear.

 

You honestly need her to find what makes her happy and it can't be superficial such as owning your own home when you can live rent free. If this bothers her tell her to put away what the average cost mortgage is in your area, property tax and house insurance each month in a "funds for my own home" and see how long she can keep up with it. If she is successful than one day sure, you can have a sizeable down payment.

 

That being said if you are so terrible with money and she is so great she would have done this by now.

 

Anyhooo. ... she needs to fix her for her. Perhaps it will be enough to bring you together and make you stronger. I also suggest this for you and both of you together in MC.

 

Good luck!

[DueceCoupe]

I can imagine how this could be confusing. I'm confused reading it. If the relationship happened after you agreed to separate then how long after(was it the reason she needed to run to this OM?)? Was there an EA prior to you both agreeing to separate? If what she was doing was ok why was it nessisary to lie to you about it being physical? Why did it take so long for the whole truth to come forward (her version of it anyways)?

 

I get you are in the process of making sense of it all in your whole head but based on your description (and how others here perceive it) she cheated... plain and simple. You are comparing your relationship with your GF as doing the same thing as your wife did. However, it was VERY clear your relationship was over with your wife and it was well defined as being over.

 

I also understand kids are involved and a life was built however kids should not be the reason their parents "stick it out". It is not fair to them and if they had a say they would agree.

 

I know first hand that R is can be achieved after an affair. You, unfortunately have other factors to consider. I'm not saying your wife isn't worth a second chance nor am I saying your GF has more value than 12 Years of marriage. I do think you have to consider what you need to give up to make your wife happy again and will it take your happiness to do so? You are confused but are you happy?

 

My WH and I went through a rough patch a little while ago (I'm being really conservative when in my description). I decided to go to IC. You know what? It is not up to us to make others happy nor is it fair to expect others to make us happy. If your wife has a laundry list of things that you could to make her happy/satisfied/content believe you me it will just keep getting longer and longer. Of course we can make changes to better our relationship but we should not have to change ourselves.

 

My suggestion: Tell your wife to go to IC. Let her know sincerely (my WH did this for me) that you need her to find what makes her happy. And her saying, "you are the only one/thing that makes me happy" is a cop out and crap. If that is the case then that is pressure that no one person should have to carry. "Her happiness depends on you". This, of course is what I thought and more so what I thought my WH wanted to hear.

 

You honestly need her to find what makes her happy and it can't be superficial such as owning your own home when you can live rent free. If this bothers her tell her to put away what the average cost mortgage is in your area, property tax and house insurance each month in a "funds for my own home" and see how long she can keep up with it. If she is successful than one day sure, you can have a sizeable down payment.

 

That being said if you are so terrible with money and she is so great she would have done this by now.

 

Anyhooo. ... she needs to fix her for her. Perhaps it will be enough to bring you together and make you stronger. I also suggest this for you and both of you together in MC.

 

Good luck!

 

 

 

The relationship between my wife and the OM I believe started out as just a friendship.

It progressed to an emotional affair after we had separated and 3 months later had become physical.

She maintains that this was never about another Man....that it ended up that way and she is sorry for it.

She just felt that alone in our marriage,that she felt like divorce was her only option.

She claims she didn't tell me due to the embarrassment of being with this guy along with the fact she knew I was all ready hurt,it would have been like pouring gasoline onto a raging fire.

Are there rules on this forum prohibiting a picture of the OM?

Honestly,its that bad.

[lil hoodlum]

Just my opinion.

 

 

Your wife played you for a fool and you would be a fool if you stayed with her.

 

 

Come on man, your wife is a bold-face liar.

 

 

She gave you BS reasons for the seperation just so she could do her thing with the OM behind your back.

 

 

She is still lying to you. She said that her and the OM ended things that night because they felt GUILTY. Well if she wasn't doing anything wrong they why is she feeling guilty? And let's not forget that you caught in her in the act more or less. Had you not done that, she would be happily continue with her dalancies with the OM. She thought she could pull this over you and get away with it.

 

 

You my friend are in denial.

[Mal78]

The relationship between my wife and the OM I believe started out as just a friendship.

It progressed to an emotional affair after we had separated and 3 months later had become physical.

She maintains that this was never about another Man....that it ended up that way and she is sorry for it.

She just felt that alone in our marriage,that she felt like divorce was her only option.

She claims she didn't tell me due to the embarrassment of being with this guy along with the fact she knew I was all ready hurt,it would have been like pouring gasoline onto a raging fire.

Are there rules on this forum prohibiting a picture of the OM?

Honestly,its that bad.

 

Your responses have come with a trend, you respond as if she might read this. Because you have mentioned she has happened apon this forum and all you wrote I am to believe you have given her full disclosure to anything else written/respond.

 

You words are FULL of her excuses. What are your genuine feelings? It can't be, "la-de-da she cheated but that's OK, he was fat and ugly... she felt lonely.... she was embarrassed.... it can be considered I did the same thing...." list goes on!

 

It sounds like words for her benefit. I mean no disrespect and if this is the case it seems you are stinging her along as an option until you come to a decision. You can't honestly believe what you are saying! If so then your decision is VERY clear. You choose your wife. Period. No question!!

 

I apologize if I am making too many assumption but I have to honestly tell you how I am perceiving it. It's VERY off and not the same as your initial post. When your wife was none the wiser.

[DueceCoupe]

I can imagine how this could be confusing. I'm confused reading it. If the relationship happened after you agreed to separate then how long after(was it the reason she needed to run to this OM?)? Was there an EA prior to you both agreeing to separate? If what she was doing was ok why was it nessisary to lie to you about it being physical? Why did it take so long for the whole truth to come forward (her version of it anyways)?

 

I get you are in the process of making sense of it all in your whole head but based on your description (and how others here perceive it) she cheated... plain and simple. You are comparing your relationship with your GF as doing the same thing as your wife did. However, it was VERY clear your relationship was over with your wife and it was well defined as being over.

 

I also understand kids are involved and a life was built however kids should not be the reason their parents "stick it out". It is not fair to them and if they had a say they would agree.

 

I know first hand that R is can be achieved after an affair. You, unfortunately have other factors to consider. I'm not saying your wife isn't worth a second chance nor am I saying your GF has more value than 12 Years of marriage. I do think you have to consider what you need to give up to make your wife happy again and will it take your happiness to do so? You are confused but are you happy?

 

My WH and I went through a rough patch a little while ago (I'm being really conservative when in my description). I decided to go to IC. You know what? It is not up to us to make others happy nor is it fair to expect others to make us happy. If your wife has a laundry list of things that you could to make her happy/satisfied/content believe you me it will just keep getting longer and longer. Of course we can make changes to better our relationship but we should not have to change ourselves.

 

My suggestion: Tell your wife to go to IC. Let her know sincerely (my WH did this for me) that you need her to find what makes her happy. And her saying, "you are the only one/thing that makes me happy" is a cop out and crap. If that is the case then that is pressure that no one person should have to carry. "Her happiness depends on you". This, of course is what I thought and more so what I thought my WH wanted to hear.

 

You honestly need her to find what makes her happy and it can't be superficial such as owning your own home when you can live rent free. If this bothers her tell her to put away what the average cost mortgage is in your area, property tax and house insurance each month in a "funds for my own home" and see how long she can keep up with it. If she is successful than one day sure, you can have a sizeable down payment.

 

That being said if you are so terrible with money and she is so great she would have done this by now.

 

Anyhooo. ... she needs to fix her for her. Perhaps it will be enough to bring you together and make you stronger. I also suggest this for you and both of you together in MC.

 

Good luck!

 

Your responses have come with a trend, you respond as if she might read this. Because you have mentioned she has happened apon this forum and all you wrote I am to believe you have given her full disclosure to anything else written/respond.

 

You words are FULL of her excuses. What are your genuine feelings? It can't be, "la-de-da she cheated but that's OK, he was fat and ugly... she felt lonely.... she was embarrassed.... it can be considered I did the same thing...." list goes on!

 

It sounds like words for her benefit. I mean no disrespect and if this is the case it seems you are stinging her along as an option until you come to a decision. You can't honestly believe what you are saying! If so then your decision is VERY clear. You choose your wife. Period. No question!!

 

I apologize if I am making too many assumption but I have to honestly tell you how I am perceiving it. It's VERY off and not the same as your initial post. When your wife was none the wiser.

 

I hear You.

She no longer has access to this thread.

So,No this is honestly Me.

But what I am truly feeling is:

Confusion.

I wish this had never happened.

I'm devastated and probably am making excuses for her just to get through the day.

I Hate what my life has become.

I Love my Wife and am also crazy about my Girlfriend at the same time.

I realize my new relationship had been started too soon,but You know what,its happened and I cant do anything about that.

I'm not ok that She cheated.

Not at all.

I'm constantly flip flopping between my feelings.

Can my marriage be fixed?

Can I trust her again?

Would I be better off ending my marriage and moving on with my Girlfriend?

Would I be better off on My own?

I just do not know the answers to any of this.

I am sorry if I came off as writing this for my wife's benefit.

I assure You I am not.

She read my post and many of the responses,but does not know where this was posted.

Just really,really unsure which way to go.

[Mal78]

I hear You.

She no longer has access to this thread.

So,No this is honestly Me.

But what I am truly feeling is:

Confusion.

I wish this had never happened.

I'm devastated and probably am making excuses for her just to get through the day.

I Hate what my life has become.

I Love my Wife and am also crazy about my Girlfriend at the same time.

I realize my new relationship had been started too soon,but You know what,its happened and I cant do anything about that.

I'm not ok that She cheated.

Not at all.

I'm constantly flip flopping between my feelings.

Can my marriage be fixed?

Can I trust her again?

Would I be better off ending my marriage and moving on with my Girlfriend?

Would I be better off on My own?

I just do not know the answers to any of this.

I am sorry if I came off as writing this for my wife's benefit.

I assure You I am not.

She read my post and many of the responses,but does not know where this was posted.

Just really,really unsure which way to go.

 

Ok, much better. THANK-YOU!

 

Is it all possible to have both? I know, that sounds CRAZY! And open relationship are built on trust, communication and understanding otherwise they don't function but since your wife know of your GF and clearly knows how you feel about her do you think you could do an open relationship with both? Do you think your wife would be receptive to the idea at all especially since you are involved now and she know?

 

I am just expressing an option but why not research? Check out what "Polyamory relationships" would look like. I know a few Poly-couples/families and I can't tell you how much I admire how much communication and trust involved.

 

You would have to be prepared if you go that route your wife or GF can choose not to be exclusive to you either (or will). However with loads of communication, trust and HONESTY it will only be "we will cross that bridge when we come to it".

[Popsicle]

For some reason, you think your wife did not lie and betray you, when in reality, she was done with you before the affair. That should be enough already to help you make the decision. She can not be trusted and whatever you had is tainted and will never be again. I'd leave that behind and move on to the new girlfriend.

[LifesontheUp]

DC,

 

I think I can understand the confusion you feel about what to do.

 

But you didn't answer the first part of my earlier question:

 

"Do you think you will be able to put in the hard work to reconcile with your wife?"

 

If you go down that route, with your wife just "saying" you have to communicate and work as a team isn't going to resolve what happened, like the wave of a magic wand.

 

If you are going to reconcile, do you have a plan to go into counselling?

 

Your wife has to face what she did, the lies to you etc etc. Do you think she is open to doing that? Or just wants to rug sweep?

[No Limit]

If the OM is half the sorry douche you claim he is, what do you think will happen when an okay guy comes around and makes your wife a few compliments? Or worst case scenario, a guy with a fancy car? Or a simple smooth talker?

 

I think you're being dramatically gas-lighted by your wife.

[DueceCoupe]

If the OM is half the sorry douche you claim he is, what do you think will happen when an okay guy comes around and makes your wife a few compliments? Or worst case scenario, a guy with a fancy car? Or a simple smooth talker?

 

I think you're being dramatically gas-lighted by your wife.

 

That's the thing.

We have a lot of friends,and all of them are better than this guy.

This has never happened before and I know of a few instances where she was hit on by them.

To me,it just seems like she truly thought she was done with me,felt close to this guy and a relationship happened.

[DueceCoupe]

DC,

 

I think I can understand the confusion you feel about what to do.

 

But you didn't answer the first part of my earlier question:

 

"Do you think you will be able to put in the hard work to reconcile with your wife?"

 

If you go down that route, with your wife just "saying" you have to communicate and work as a team isn't going to resolve what happened, like the wave of a magic wand.

 

If you are going to reconcile, do you have a plan to go into counselling?

 

Your wife has to face what she did, the lies to you etc etc. Do you think she is open to doing that? Or just wants to rug sweep?

 

Yes,she is open to counseling.

Saying she is in it for as long as it takes.

[elaine567]

If you are that confused then better to leave both women and sort your head out first.

NO point going to counselling for R and regretting you left the gf, and no point in being with the gf and regretting cheating on your wife every day.

 

This is a mess and now 50% of that mess is of our own making.

You cannot lead on both women and make them believe they have a relationship and a future with you, if you honestly do not know which to choose.

 

I suggest if you truly loved one of them you would not be confused.

 

Your wife had an exit affair in reality and is now so guilty she is back.

This divorcee is probably happy to have a man, and a man she knew before is a bonus. BUT is that love or just two desperate people clinging on to each other?

Where that leaves you is anybody's guess and that is why you need to get clear of the situation and get some clarity.

[LifesontheUp]

I was about to post something similar to the above.

 

Having read your later posts, which give more detail what is going on in your situation, I have changed my mind and think you would be better on your own too.

 

You are clearly confused. Take some time out as Elaine567 has suggested.

[DueceCoupe]

If you are that confused then better to leave both women and sort your head out first.

NO point going to counselling for R and regretting you left the gf, and no point in being with the gf and regretting cheating on your wife every day.

 

This is a mess and now 50% of that mess is of our own making.

You cannot lead on both women and make them believe they have a relationship and a future with you, if you honestly do not know which to choose.

 

I suggest if you truly loved one of them you would not be confused.

 

Your wife had an exit affair in reality and is now so guilty she is back.

This divorcee is probably happy to have a man, and a man she knew before is a bonus. BUT is that love or just two desperate people clinging on to each other?

Where that leaves you is anybody's guess and that is why you need to get clear of the situation and get some clarity.

 

If this is indeed an exit affair,Like it seems like it may have been....why does my W want to reconcile after the affair ended mutually?

[jm2013]

If this is indeed an exit affair,Like it seems like it may have been....why does my W want to reconcile after the affair ended mutually?

 

Because she misses your security. Have you ever made a bad decision in life where you're like "crap" this didn't end up working out how I thought it was. Then you come running back to what you were used to and secure with. I think your wife and OM realized they were not going to work. Do you think she really wants to be empty handed after her piss poor decision to have an affair? Perhaps the guilt is starting to overwhelm her now that she may have lost you for good due to something so temporary. What do you think would have happened if things ended up working out with OM? What if she fell madly in love with him? She definitely wouldn't be begging you to come home that's for sure. Things just didn't end up working out with "them".