Affair(s)

[DueceCoupe]

Please forgive me if this was raised earlier. She has the residence and job in her name, correct? Are you sure you're not considering your wife again because of your financial situation?

 

The reason I ask is because if you get a better job or something that raises your financial independence, the money/security that kept you with her wouldn't be there and you might look at her differently...and you might leave then.

 

No,finances are not a worry.

[DueceCoupe]

You stated that you have known your current G/F for a very long time; which I guess some didn't read because the implication is you don't really know her well. that's obviously wrong.

 

As for your wife, I don't see how you could trust her to stay "in love" with you since she seemed above to fall out of love with you after several years. And choosing to engage in an affair with another man who, per your view, isn't someone she normally would have slept with, makes me wonder who she will pick the next time she falls out of love with you.

 

My view is to stay with the G/F. You have a history with her too. I know some people reconcile successfully and that's AWESOME. But, I think personally you are better off divorcing and starting a new life with or without the current G/F.

 

Well said.

But like I am trying to figure out.....was it truly an affair?

If we had moved on and were prepared to divorce,was her starting the relationship with the OM 2 months after,really an affair?

Plus ending it 2 months prior to asking about reconciliation....does that mean she came running back to Me?

[lil hoodlum]

You sure are good at making excuses for your wife.

 

 

Why do you keep saying that the two of you seperated mutually?

 

 

Go back and read your first post.

 

 

She ditched you to be with the OM, all the while you were washing her SUV, doing the cooking, doing the cleaning, took over the summer job for her, did the love dare twice....

 

 

You did all of that because YOU wanted to save the marriage. Your wife didn't care about you or the marriage. Instead she ran off to "play house" with the other man. You then stated you got tired of it all and wanted answers. Left work early, came home, wife wasn't there, you went to the OM house and discovered her truck parked out back.

 

 

I am sorry but doesn't that piss you off?

 

It pisses me off and I have nothing to do with your situation.

 

Sounds like you are just basing it off of your wifes empty words, phone records, fake book, etc....

 

I am telling you from experience that something was going on when you first noticed the change, she was being distant, sex and affection dropped off, etc....

 

She is only telling you enough just to get her foot back in the door. That is called trickle-truthing. She is not being completely honest with you. You are doing a dishonor to yourself just taking her word for it when it is clear she was disceiving you all along.

[underpants]

Well said.

But like I am trying to figure out.....was it truly an affair?

If we had moved on and were prepared to divorce,was her starting the relationship with the OM 2 months after,really an affair?

Plus ending it 2 months prior to asking about reconciliation....does that mean she came running back to Me?

 

Does it matter? Really?

 

So it was an affair. What does that mean? Do you move on or take her back?

 

What if it was some legitimate break situation, and she felt comfortable enough to have a relationship with someone else, as did you, then she ended it and discovered you had also moved on and that triggered her to feel a loss and want you back. Do you continue on your 'love' track or go back?

 

It doesn't matter. The damage is done. Let go with love.

 

Is the allure the thought of moving back 'rent free' into the way things 'used to be' and run away from the present reality?

 

It doesn't matter, that relationship is dead and gone. Either way, you will have to start over, with ex or current, and you will lose/hurt one forever.

 

In the end, no one is truly right or wrong. Even if you assign blame, it does not reduce pain or loss.

 

What you can do is map a course for your own well being.

[Lordsnow]

It's clear what choice you'll make..but before you take back your ww I very much advise you to make her take a pollly cheaters minimise and lie all of them..if you can't prove it they won't admit it..We know what we're talking about everyone here has been through this..also don't keep your gf waiting tell her soon so she can move on.

[happyman64]

Deuce

 

 

Here is the way I see it.

 

 

You were selfish and cheated with the money.

 

 

Your wife was selfish and cheated with the way she ended the marriage.

 

 

You both were selfish.

 

 

And can I remind you that you both are still married.

 

 

Your amateur separation and removal of the wedding rings is bogus.

 

 

You can both call it what you want but legally/technically you are both married.

 

 

I really don't care if you love your GF. You are still married.

 

 

Your wife had an affair. And guess what? She affaired down with a loser.

 

 

It happens all the time.

 

 

If you still love your wife, love your kid and stepchildren then I think you both owe it to yourselves to see if your marriage can be repaired and the family kept together.

 

 

The GF while you love her was a convenient place to run to.

 

 

Your wife has stopped running and I think you owe it to yourself to stop running as well.

 

 

Determine if your wife is truly committed. Determine if you can commit to a reconciliation.

 

 

Then make a decision. Your GF is a nonentity just like the OM.

 

 

Because you are married........

 

 

Good Luck

 

 

HM

[elaine567]

Great précis happyman64.

[aliveagain]

She fired you as her husband, even if she didn't start with O/M until after she gave you your notice, she still started an affair with him, you had no choice in her decisions. You have a choice now. What is different today than when she decided you weren't enough for her? She lied and conspired with O/M against you, you caught them and as another poster has already mentioned, you only feel guilt if you know you've done something wrong. Hiding her truck behind the O/M's house so it wouldn't be seen should just about say it all. My guess is O/M liked having her around when it was a secret, once busted, she and all her baggage were probably more reality than the O/M was willing to take on.

 

My advice, take time for yourself and think about each relationship. Understand that it will take years to get over infidelity, it will require a 100% commitment from both of you as well as a lot of hard work and counselling. Things to consider, do you think you can ever feel safe with your wife again, after all she has already shown you that if the opportunity arises she is more then willing to lie and deceive you if she thinks she can get away with it. Do you feel safe with your girlfriend?

 

Can you stay with someone for a while so you can think about each relationship? Don't worry about things, things can be replaced. See who you miss the most, where does your heart want to be? If you choose your wife make sure you have your list of requirements ready, transparency, she get independent counselling, whatever you need to help you feel safe. Get a post nuptial agreement in place giving you most of the assets if you divorce because of a new infidelity.

 

Infidelity is a deal breaker for some of us(many waywards ask for some sort of time apart, usually to test drive an affair partner). They expect you to wait while try out their new partner, you didn't play the way she expected you to. Again my question, what's different now?

[mikethemechanic]

@Deucebigelow malegigalo

Experience has taught me that there is always information being with held. Reality is much to fixed to fall in love immediately, don't you think? To fall in love is to dread the loss of the object of desire, so better to be hypothetically married than married hypothetically speaking of course!

 

Permit me to clarify isn't true that if you have a farm why shouldn't you have a garden too? You are trying rationalize the affair with you GF by justifying and minimalyzing the facts like my wife cheated so I am having an affair. When in reality your having an affair because you like you gf.

 

Let's be honest here! Really what you're doing is minimizing and justifying the affair. Hoping that we'll provide the encouragement and support. Simply put leave your wife or tell her that your in-love with gf independently of her affair.

[DueceCoupe]

Deuce

 

 

Here is the way I see it.

 

 

You were selfish and cheated with the money.

 

 

Your wife was selfish and cheated with the way she ended the marriage.

 

 

You both were selfish.

 

 

And can I remind you that you both are still married.

 

 

Your amateur separation and removal of the wedding rings is bogus.

 

 

You can both call it what you want but legally/technically you are both married.

 

 

I really don't care if you love your GF. You are still married.

 

 

Your wife had an affair. And guess what? She affaired down with a loser.

 

 

It happens all the time.

 

 

If you still love your wife, love your kid and stepchildren then I think you both owe it to yourselves to see if your marriage can be repaired and the family kept together.

 

 

The GF while you love her was a convenient place to run to.

 

 

Your wife has stopped running and I think you owe it to yourself to stop running as well.

 

 

Determine if your wife is truly committed. Determine if you can commit to a reconciliation.

 

 

Then make a decision. Your GF is a nonentity just like the OM.

 

 

Because you are married........

 

 

Good Luck

 

 

HM

 

 

Thank You for a down to Earth response.

I keep re reading this over and over.

I still havn't made up my mind,but this very much puts things in perspective.

Hurting bad tonite.

Dealing with a lot.

[DueceCoupe]

She fired you as her husband, even if she didn't start with O/M until after she gave you your notice, she still started an affair with him, you had no choice in her decisions. You have a choice now. What is different today than when she decided you weren't enough for her? She lied and conspired with O/M against you, you caught them and as another poster has already mentioned, you only feel guilt if you know you've done something wrong. Hiding her truck behind the O/M's house so it wouldn't be seen should just about say it all. My guess is O/M liked having her around when it was a secret, once busted, she and all her baggage were probably more reality than the O/M was willing to take on.

 

My advice, take time for yourself and think about each relationship. Understand that it will take years to get over infidelity, it will require a 100% commitment from both of you as well as a lot of hard work and counselling. Things to consider, do you think you can ever feel safe with your wife again, after all she has already shown you that if the opportunity arises she is more then willing to lie and deceive you if she thinks she can get away with it. Do you feel safe with your girlfriend?

 

Can you stay with someone for a while so you can think about each relationship? Don't worry about things, things can be replaced. See who you miss the most, where does your heart want to be? If you choose your wife make sure you have your list of requirements ready, transparency, she get independent counselling, whatever you need to help you feel safe. Get a post nuptial agreement in place giving you most of the assets if you divorce because of a new infidelity.

 

Infidelity is a deal breaker for some of us(many waywards ask for some sort of time apart, usually to test drive an affair partner). They expect you to wait while try out their new partner, you didn't play the way she expected you to. Again my question, what's different now?

 

 

I figure it's because of how much I have changed since she told Me how she felt.

At first she thought it was a ruse....that I would go back on my words and promises.

But,even after catching Her with the OM,I still maintained putting myself last,not spending money,and continued doing the things I neglected for all the years prior to this.

At first my gestures were made to impress her,but after a short time,it almost became second nature.

Only other difference is,If your familiar with Love Languages (mine has always been physical touch) I always tried to show Her how I felt using my Love Language,which was the wrong one.

Hers is Acts of Service....once I understood this and started using it,its made things a lot more compatible here.

She is trying to be more affectionate,sending texts and genuinely appears to be trying.

[underpants]

Are you okay with breaking your girlfriend's heart, on the altar of a separated union?

 

You won't get that back, and you also will not get back the comfortable relationship you once had with your estranged spouse.

 

In the end you will suffer 2 losses, 3 if you count your own.

[toolforgrowth]

Be wary of your wife. I don't trust WS's as a general rule, very few are actually repentant and never re-offend. She hasn't done nearly enough to display that she actually wants to be better.

 

Don't have too many expectations regarding your GF either. Mine was a classic rebound in hindsight, but I never would have admitted it at the time. The best time for me was being single, truthfully. I really bettered myself then.

 

If your wife stays single and is still saying and doing ALL the right things in a year or so, then you MAY have cause to reconsider at that time, but even then I'd be hard pressed to give it another go.

 

That's just me, though. Infidelity is a dealbreaker for me and I don't have the capacity to go back after that. And I'm totally okay with it.

[mikethemechanic]

Be wary of your wife. I don't trust WS's as a general rule, very few are actually repentant and never re-offend. She hasn't done nearly enough to display that she actually wants to be better.

 

Don't have too many expectations regarding your GF either. Mine was a classic rebound in hindsight, but I never would have admitted it at the time. The best time for me was being single, truthfully. I really bettered myself then.

 

If your wife stays single and is still saying and doing ALL the right things in a year or so, then you MAY have cause to reconsider at that time, but even then I'd be hard pressed to give it another go.

 

That's just me, though. Infidelity is a dealbreaker for me and I don't have the capacity to go back after that. And I'm totally okay with it.

For every rat you see there's 50 rats you don't see. Doubtful the affair was incidental we could infere the affair was premeditated, ws was out climbing the social ladder after all she did demand a home of her own.

[No Limit]

Has your wife done anything at all to show she's in for the ride beside ending her texts with "I love you"? And is she aware that she has to 'submissively roll over' for years to come to keep your triggers, doubts and resentment at bay?

[DueceCoupe]

Has your wife done anything at all to show she's in for the ride beside ending her texts with "I love you"? And is she aware that she has to 'submissively roll over' for years to come to keep your triggers, doubts and resentment at bay?

 

Just being transparent,access to phone,Facebook,etc.

Trying to be honest about anything I ask.

Talking about counseling,but no appointment made yet.

She wants things ended with my girlfriend before any attempt at counseling is to be made.

[DKT3]

Just being transparent,access to phone,Facebook,etc.

Trying to be honest about anything I ask.

Talking about counseling,but no appointment made yet.

She wants things ended with my girlfriend before any attempt at counseling is to be made.

 

As I said her #1 goal is getting your girlfriend gone.

 

You've made up your mind, so what we are saying (which is for the most part its a mistake) is only causing you to dig in your heels. You are making excuses for you wife and blinded by the end game of a reunion. I'm not against it because its what I did. However we didn't just jump back in. Doing so will end in the same fashion. I have a feeling that once the girlfriend is gone these changes you see (which isn't much) will also be gone.

 

As every BS here will tell you, the first story the WS tells is bullchit. Its the least they can get away with. From the way you tell the story I would be shocked if you later find that the affair was a year long. Most of us went into PI mode and found things, then more, then more and still will never have all the truth.

 

Your wifes motivation is clear as day and your blinded. Tell her you end with the GF right after you get the results of the lie detector test which you've already set up and watch her reaction. I bet she gets pissed, maybe even pulling the "if you don't trust me" routine.

[Clay]

I personally think he is wasting his time. The longer he drags the decent woman in his life around the less chance he will ever be happy. She had one foot out the door even before the affair. Even if she did cheat on him other times it wasn't until after he moved on that she now wants him back.

 

He will choose her and ruin his chances with his Girlfriend then in the next six months his wife will say well its been great and I really hoped it would have worked but I think I just need to move on.

 

It sucks but sometimes BS's are more blind than the people that cheat are.

 

Clay

[toolforgrowth]

Just being transparent,access to phone,Facebook,etc.

Trying to be honest about anything I ask.

Talking about counseling,but no appointment made yet.

She wants things ended with my girlfriend before any attempt at counseling is to be made.

 

As the person who stepped outside your marriage, she has no right to tell you to stop seeing your GF. My response would be:

 

"You have to convince me through consistent actions that you're a better option than my current GF. Until such time, I will continue to see her as my wants dictate."

 

Then watch what happens.

 

She is in NO position to dictate anything to you.

[Spectre]

Don't get back with this woman, stay with the GF..or just be single, but don't get back with the cheater.

[jm2013]

I think he has to let it run its course. Who knows, it might actually work. I think there are many BS's who have to figure it out first hand than word of mouth.

[mikethemechanic]

She demanded a home of her own, because it is a thrill to having ownership of a house some see it as the key to happiness. Home ownership is part of the American Dream, the cornerstone of cash flow.Deuce mimimalized it by spending cash on experience, cars, motorcycles. The question is did his experience contribute to her happiness?

[jbrent890]

Op read absentpresence thread on this board. His story is very similar to yours.

[anika99]

OP I have a question and I apologize if you already answered this as I have not yet read the entire thread:

 

 

You said that you have known your wife for almost your whole life and that you were off and on with her for years before you married her. Did your wife cheat on her first husband with you or did you two have an emotionally inappropriate relationship while she was still married to her first husband?

 

 

Also you mentioned a few pages back that your wife no longer has access to this thread. How is that possible? As far as I know she can just go to any computer and look up Loveshack and read whatever she wants to. One does not have to be a member to read threads.

[anika99]

As the person who stepped outside your marriage, she has no right to tell you to stop seeing your GF. My response would be:

 

"You have to convince me through consistent actions that you're a better option than my current GF. Until such time, I will continue to see her as my wants dictate."

 

Then watch what happens.

 

She is in NO position to dictate anything to you.

 

 

This I disagree with. I think the OP should probably divorce his wife, but if he chooses to reconcile with her then the GF has to go. There can be no honest attempt at saving the marriage if either partner is having an affair.