Affair(s)

[Be_Strong]

In my opinion, you should stay with the new girlfriend. But, if you decide otherwise, you absolutely should not rush back into a reconciliation with your wife. Your only two options should be (1) stay with the GF and finalize the divorce or (2) put both relationships on hold and sit back and take your time to assess the situation.

[jm2013]

All three of you cheated. As horrible as your wifes actions were, that does not negate your actions and those of your girlfriend. You were married and made the choice to engage in an affair with your friend. She knew you were married and engaged in an affair with you. There are no winners in this story and no moral high ground to be had.

 

If it is trust you are looking for, you may want to consider ending it with both of them. Both have shown that fidelity is optional. Sadly, you made the same choice.

 

I do not say any of this to upset you. You are hurting and confused. I think you need to see the larger picture here though. It may very well be that neither of these women are the right fit for you given your history with both.

 

Why would it be an affair when his wife left him to be with OM and he started to plan his future? Why do you let the state dictate a marriage? It's not like he ran off to bang his friend behind his wife's back. I think he has clearly shown who he's with without the type of betrayal you're speaking of. If his wife didn't have an affair do you think he would have ran off with this new person?

[CALOVELY]

Why would it be an affair when his wife left him to be with OM and he started to plan his future? Why do you let the state dictate a marriage? It's not like he ran off to bang his friend behind his wife's back. I think he has clearly shown who he's with without the type of betrayal you're speaking of. If his wife didn't have an affair do you think he would have ran off with this new person?

 

He was married. Her having an affair does not negate that. He acknowledges that he had an affair in his title: Affair(s). As to your last question, no, I do not think he would have had an affair with the OW had his wife not set this all in motion. Does that change the facts though? I feel for him and think neither of these women are a good option.

[Clay]

He was married. Her having an affair does not negate that. He acknowledges that he had an affair in his title: Affair(s). As to your last question, no, I do not think he would have had an affair with the OW had his wife not set this all in motion. Does that change the facts though? I feel for him and think neither of these women are a good option.

 

So her leaving and being with the OM means he should just sit at home on his hands until she figures out what she wants in life? Divorces are not a over night deal and your done. I do not agree with someone sitting on there hands waiting on a cheater. She got what she deserved and now he just needs to follow through with Divorcing her.

 

In my mind once the your spouse has left to be with someone else your relationship and commitment to them is over with. The marriage license at that point in time really is just a legal document that needs to be resolved in court.

 

Clay

[CALOVELY]

Why would it be an affair when his wife left him to be with OM and he started to plan his future? Why do you let the state dictate a marriage? It's not like he ran off to bang his friend behind his wife's back. I think he has clearly shown who he's with without the type of betrayal you're speaking of. If his wife didn't have an affair do you think he would have ran off with this new person?

 

I just re-read his posts. His wife never moved out. He stated they cohabitated. Also, nowhere in his posts does he say he has come clean to his wife about his relationship with the OW.

 

OP- does your wife know about your girlfriend?

[LifesontheUp]

I spent over a year on my own and was in the process of divorce when I met my husband who I am with nearly 10yrs later.

 

Your wife told you and showed you that she didn't want you anymore. If I was you I would remember that. There is no guarantees in any relationship but why not give your new one a chance. Your wife had hers and blew it.

[oldshirt]

He was married. Her having an affair does not negate that.

 

 

.

 

An affair doesn't necessarily negate that but saying she wanted a divorce and moving out did. When she declared she wanted out of the marriage and moved out to begin divorce proceedings released him from his marital vows.

 

He did not cheat.

[oldshirt]

 

Your wife told you and showed you that she didn't want you anymore. If I was you I would remember that. There is no guarantees in any relationship but why not give your new one a chance. Your wife had hers and blew it.

 

That's a good way to put it.

 

I probably would not advise him to jump into any kind of reconciliation with the wife even if he wasn't involved with anyone else.

[oldshirt]

When someone tells their spouse they no longer love them, do not want to be married to them anymore, start seeing someone else etc etc, they waive their right to marital exclusivity and the other party is under no obligation to remain celibate untill the final divorce decree.

 

At that point, the divorce is just the courthouse getting caught up on the paper work to declare them legally divorced.

 

That is the risk someone takes when they begin seeing someone else and breaks up with their spouse. Too bad so sad for the wife.

[bigman1]

Deuce,

 

Does it really matter that your wife now has come clean? That is not the basis of a relationship....that they stopped lying. Your new relationship is still a rebound relationship. You have history with her, but this is just switching partners. That you question who to choose shows the answer should be neither, for now. You need alone time to see who you are.

 

It has been said, and has worked for me, that if you ask the question, "why" to each answer for 6 generations you will get to your true feelings. ie. why do you want your wife? give answer then ask "why", then ask why to that answer and repeat until done. it does force you to dig deep. Sometimes, you can't answer and that means you should re-evaluate. other times it becomes clear that your reasons are not good. The answer must be responsive. You can't keep saying "because I love her". you gotta answer why.

 

Start with these and see where you go. remember to ask "why" to each subsequent answer for 6 generations. why didn't you wait till divorce to start? Why didn't you take time off any relationship? Why are you questioning who to choose?

[elaine567]

So....here's where things get tricky.

After that night,I swore I was done.

No more trying from Me....nothing.

I went total black out on Her.

In order to do this,I started spending the nights at friends house.

This friend I dated 26 years ago.

Our relationship ended when she had to move out of State with her Father.

She came back a year later but by then....the timing was always off.

But we always maintained a very close relationship.

She and Her Husband would come hang out with my wife and I frequently.

She got divorced 3 years ago.....and when I first started going there it was all about how I should still be trying to save my marriage.

I told her I was done,no matter what.

And....she and I became Lovers.

Been dating her since September 20th.

We are very much in Love....

 

They do indeed get tricky and somewhat convenient perhaps?

You run from your "cheating" wife, straight to the house of a divorced woman, a woman you used to date, who you have always had "a very close relationship" with down the years, and THEN you become lovers and are now "very much in Love".

Sorry, all sounds a wee bit fishy to me, if I am honest...

[DueceCoupe]

They do indeed get tricky and somewhat convenient perhaps?

You run from your "cheating" wife, straight to the house of a divorced woman, a woman you used to date, who you have always had "a very close relationship" with down the years, and THEN you become lovers and are now "very much in Love".

Sorry, all sounds a wee bit fishy to me, if I am honest...

 

I can appreciate your honesty.

But,what sounds fishy to You?

I have tried to be as explicitly honest as possible.

I will keep all my answers true.

I have no use in lying to the people I came to for advice.

[DueceCoupe]

Why would it be an affair when his wife left him to be with OM and he started to plan his future? Why do you let the state dictate a marriage? It's not like he ran off to bang his friend behind his wife's back. I think he has clearly shown who he's with without the type of betrayal you're speaking of. If his wife didn't have an affair do you think he would have ran off with this new person?

 

Thank You.

If the rings hadn't come off and I had never caught my wife at the OM's house,no this would never have been an option.

I considered She to be gone from me forever.

I really don't know if I consider it an affair on either of our behalfs.

This did not start between my wife and the OM until she had made it perfectly clear we were over and she was filing for divorce.

Mine only happened after I found them together.

[Mal78]

I question two things,

 

A) Did your wife's OM drop her? It might be intimidating for some if an AP's spouse could/has shown up at their house. The drama might of been too much for him and told your wife he is out. People don't like other people to sh*t in their yard. It might of been his deal breaker especially by coming showed him likewise the sh*t she was feeding him. Most certainly she lied to him also.

 

B) Would this even be a delema if she didn't get caught in the act... per say? I'm sure she played it out very much in her mind how it was going to go. She was going to be distant, tell you she wasn't in love with you, separate and then divorce. The details of where the OM fits on that time line was not going to present itself at all (or so she was hoping). You ruined her "plan" so to speak (or he did, who knows) and now she needs a temporary solution until another one is formed. This includes you dropping your GF while SHE figures it out.

 

I wouldn't care so much to leave your W in limbo as I would your GF. Perhaps you need more time. It has *only* been a week since your W came clean about what you knew she was lying about. Perhaps she felt the truth will fix it. It helps but doesn't guarantee R.

 

Hope you find peace in the answers you are looking for. I almost would hope you can tell by her reactions that you need more time to figure things out where she is at. Perhaps suggest in the meantime you want to spend more time with your GF to really decide. It's hard to not hurt *anyone* in this situation but someone will. It is a guarantee.

[road]

Thank You.

If the rings hadn't come off and I had never caught my wife at the OM's house,no this would never have been an option.

I considered She to be gone from me forever.

I really don't know if I consider it an affair on either of our behalfs.

This did not start between my wife and the OM until she had made it perfectly clear we were over and she was filing for divorce.

Mine only happened after I found them together.

 

 

 

Dollars to doughnuts that this affair went only earlier then you think.

 

 

Why?

 

 

Because ninety nine percent of wayward wives do not tell their BH that the are leaving them unless they have an OM in position to replace him. So they are already in an affair.

[DueceCoupe]

Dollars to doughnuts that this affair went only earlier then you think.

 

 

Why?

 

 

Because ninety nine percent of wayward wives do not tell their BH that the are leaving them unless they have an OM in position to replace him. So they are already in an affair.

 

Her phone records show that indeed it had picked up a while after I had the speech given to Me.

If she is willing to be this transparent and is offering to tell me anything my crazed mind asks,I don't know if she would leave the details out of when it truly started.

I do believe her that it only became a relationship after she made it clear we weren't trying anymore.

[DueceCoupe]

I question two things,

 

A) Did your wife's OM drop her? It might be intimidating for some if an AP's spouse could/has shown up at their house. The drama might of been too much for him and told your wife he is out. People don't like other people to sh*t in their yard. It might of been his deal breaker especially by coming showed him likewise the sh*t she was feeding him. Most certainly she lied to him also.

 

B) Would this even be a delema if she didn't get caught in the act... per say? I'm sure she played it out very much in her mind how it was going to go. She was going to be distant, tell you she wasn't in love with you, separate and then divorce. The details of where the OM fits on that time line was not going to present itself at all (or so she was hoping). You ruined her "plan" so to speak (or he did, who knows) and now she needs a temporary solution until another one is formed. This includes you dropping your GF while SHE figures it out.

 

I wouldn't care so much to leave your W in limbo as I would your GF. Perhaps you need more time. It has *only* been a week since your W came clean about what you knew she was lying about. Perhaps she felt the truth will fix it. It helps but doesn't guarantee R.

 

Hope you find peace in the answers you are looking for. I almost would hope you can tell by her reactions that you need more time to figure things out where she is at. Perhaps suggest in the meantime you want to spend more time with your GF to really decide. It's hard to not hurt *anyone* in this situation but someone will. It is a guarantee.

 

She tells me that it ended that night mutually after I left that night.

They both felt guilty.

If I wouldn't have caught them together,I don't think it would have lasted.

She says She felt close to him,but wasn't in Love,didn't want a relationship with him (OM Fat,50,making minimum wage....a bum.) but they were both going through rough patches in the relations they were ending.

She says that she didn't want to admit the truth as she was that embarrassed that it was with this guy.

Truth be told,we took care of the guy.

I knew him from High school and he would come around.....no money,no food,no job,hadn't paid his rent in months and we helped him.

Brought him food,found car related jobs,tried getting him back on his feet.

His long term girlfriend was leaving him and He and my wife started talking....

[stillcold]

You,are the first to have given me this advice.

My Pastor,Friends all seem to think that staying in the marriage regardless of how I feel is the answer.

That its the "right" thing to do.

I appreciate your comment.

I am hoping to have an answer by New Years Day.

I cannot continue on like this.

And do NOT wish to hurt anyone involved.

Your comment is a breath of fresh air......

Although starting over is no easy task.

I will lose my Dogs (girlfriend allready has 2),My Health Insurance,and possibly my step kids.

I am weighing the pros and cons.

Its tough.....

 

Your pastor and friends also forget to mention that Jesus DOES permit divorce in the case of marital unfaithfulness:

 

Matthew 5:31-32

"It has been said, 'Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.' But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.

 

Considering she cheated on you AND she said she isn't in love with you anymore, you should drop her ASAP. I would if I were you without a doubt. Do you really want to be someone's second? Or do you really want to always ponder if she really loves you? Because like others have said, I'm sure she's remorseful because her comfortable lifestyle is being threatened by her cheating; that's why she's CRAWLING back to you and willing to admit everything.

 

Believe me, if she TRULY loved you, she wouldn't have cheated. She loves you to some degree, but that's not what's motivating her to stay; her comfortable lifestyle is motivating her to stay and she's more scared than ever of losing it. Trust me, we see this all the time on LS. End of story. Let us know what you do.

[oldshirt]

Her phone records show that indeed it had picked up a while after I had the speech given to Me.

If she is willing to be this transparent and is offering to tell me anything my crazed mind asks,I don't know if she would leave the details out of when it truly started.

I do believe her that it only became a relationship after she made it clear we weren't trying anymore.

 

Statistically speaking, women don't leave the fathers of their children in the absence of abuse, addiction, adultery, abandonment or chronic unemployment unless their is OM to cushion the fall.

 

At minimum the seeds were planted before the split or there was another man at the time of her distancing that you may not be aware of yet and who may no longer be in the picture.

[DueceCoupe]

Statistically speaking, women don't leave the fathers of their children in the absence of abuse, addiction, adultery, abandonment or chronic unemployment unless their is OM to cushion the fall.

 

At minimum the seeds were planted before the split or there was another man at the time of her distancing that you may not be aware of yet and who may no longer be in the picture.

 

Thank You for your honesty.

There was none of the issues listed in your first paragraph except I was foolish with money and did often put myself,my wants first.

Buying a cheap motorcycle (1500.00) was enough to shake her trust in Me.

Why was it I could come up with the money for anything and everything I wanted,yet put a house of our own on the back burner?

In retrospect,I was a fool.

The lure of free living was hard to break and I often just ignored her talk of unhappiness,justifying it by thinking how great it was that we were rent free.

Someone in an earlier post had mentioned I could not reconcile unless steps were taken to fix the marital problems,besides the affairs during separation.

Since day one of knowing there was a problem,besides the usual fixes (gifts,laundry,dish duty) I stopped spending money and put myself last in every situation.

I realized my wife and family were more important than material wants and needs.

I have stayed true to this for 6 months,and can never go back to prior behavior.

This again is one of the traits that she really wanted all along,and now that she see's it....is making her want to reconcile.

[DueceCoupe]

Your pastor and friends also forget to mention that Jesus DOES permit divorce in the case of marital unfaithfulness:

 

Matthew 5:31-32

"It has been said, 'Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.' But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.

 

Considering she cheated on you AND she said she isn't in love with you anymore, you should drop her ASAP. I would if I were you without a doubt. Do you really want to be someone's second? Or do you really want to always ponder if she really loves you? Because like others have said, I'm sure she's remorseful because her comfortable lifestyle is being threatened by her cheating; that's why she's CRAWLING back to you and willing to admit everything.

 

Believe me, if she TRULY loved you, she wouldn't have cheated. She loves you to some degree, but that's not what's motivating her to stay; her comfortable lifestyle is motivating her to stay and she's more scared than ever of losing it. Trust me, we see this all the time on LS. End of story. Let us know what you do.

 

An excellent response.

I made the mistake of leaving this page open and my Wife has read the entire thing.

Which is fine,I'm not hiding anything.

I was going to sit down and read it with her anyway at some point soon.

Lot of tears....a lot of talking.

But I basically asked her about the same thing that You just posted and she instantly responded that She left her first husband of 15 years without a penny to her name and survived.

My wife is a Country Gal....She wants what she wants,but She didn't stay with her first husband and left with no money and three kids.

Honestly,She would be fine if I left as the house/job we are in is solely in her name anyway.

Found that out after I told her to pack and leave.

She could stay here rent free,I could leave and her lifestyle wouldn't hardly change.

I don't want ANYONE here to think I am arguing or defending any parts of this thread.

I very much appreciate and respect every answer I have gotten on here so far.

My answering certain people is simply for discussing facts that I too have thought about,hoping this offers more insight into this mess.

Bless You all and Happy New Year.

[No Limit]

You have a cheating lying "wife" and a girlfriend that is genuinely interested at you. I really don't see the difficulty in choosing between those two.

 

And your wife never "came clean" as you call it. You caught her and still she denied it, and now that OM won't work it out with her you are the perfect plan B.

 

Seriously, get out of this mess. Your "wife" with her wrong remorse isn't worth the effort.

[lolablue17]

I Read this thread again and I think I know what you should do. You should reconcile with your wife. Why?

 

1. You obviously want it. The way you talk about her, you just want her. I can tell.

 

2. All the arguments you mentioned, all refers to your wife - You even once didn't mention your GF as minor consideration in your decision. You never said something like "I love my GF and it will break my heart not being with her". You only expressed your concern about hurting her. So i think no matter what will you decide - To reconcile or not, You should break up with your current GF because clearly she isn't so important to you.

 

If i were your wife, reading this thread, I could see that your GF is not near to be a competition to me. Your wife can feel confident and relaxed.

[dreamingoftigers]

I noticed the same thing.

 

But you will probably resent your wife for your sacrifice of your relationship with your .gf.

 

I Read this thread again and I think I know what you should do. You should reconcile with your wife. Why?

 

1. You obviously want it. The way you talk about her, you just want her. I can tell.

 

2. All the arguments you mentioned, all refers to your wife - You even once didn't mention your GF as minor consideration in your decision. You never said something like "I love my GF and it will break my heart not being with her". You only expressed your concern about hurting her. So i think no matter what will you decide - To reconcile or not, You should break up with your current GF because clearly she isn't so important to you.

 

If i were your wife, reading this thread, I could see that your GF is not near to be a competition to me. Your wife can feel confident and relaxed.

[LifesontheUp]

Honestly,She would be fine if I left as the house/job we are in is solely in her name anyway.

Found that out after I told her to pack and leave.

She could stay here rent free,I could leave and her lifestyle wouldn't hardly change.

 

So all this time you've both been sharing the job and its actually solely in her name and you didn't know?

 

My xH did this with the dog he never walked/bothered with, put the dog in his name and used him as a pawn in our divorce.

 

What else has your wife done you don't know about?

 

And your wife is around and able to read your posts. Why?