Affair(s)

[elaine567]

Also you mentioned a few pages back that your wife no longer has access to this thread. How is that possible? As far as I know she can just go to any computer and look up Loveshack and read whatever she wants to. One does not have to be a member to read threads.

 

 

Exactly.

DueceCoupe

She already knows you post on LS, so there is no way she will not want to see what you write.

I guess she is on here every opportunity she gets

[underpants]

Not that it matters at all. I just have little respect for those who chose to take back an unfaithful partner (no the time line does not matter). Your partner (or you) decided to entertain love outside of a primary relationship. The cause of that was to force a choice and face the pain of loss in a myriad of directions....force growth.

 

I like to read these forums to remind myself that basically it is all pooh and people tell themselves what they want to believe. Also to remind myself how lucky I've escaped such an emotional dungeon for so long.

 

Take care OP. There is life, an authentic life on the other side. None are so blind that will not see.

[mikethemechanic]

OP I have a question and I apologize if you already answered this as I have not yet read the entire thread:

 

 

You said that you have known your wife for almost your whole life and that you were off and on with her for years before you married her. Did your wife cheat on her first husband with you or did you two have an emotionally inappropriate relationship while she was still married to her first husband?

 

 

Also you mentioned a few pages back that your wife no longer has access to this thread. How is that possible? As far as I know she can just go to any computer and look up Loveshack and read whatever she wants to. One does not have to be a member to read threads.

How perceptive!

[LivingWaterPlease]

 

Also you mentioned a few pages back that your wife no longer has access to this thread. How is that possible? As far as I know she can just go to any computer and look up Loveshack and read whatever she wants to. One does not have to be a member to read threads.

 

One possibility is that OP has copied and pasted the text of thread to a separate place without including the heading (Loveshack) so that all his W saw was the postings.

 

Possibly he didn't even include the names of the posters, idk. Just an idea as to how this could be the case.

[DueceCoupe]

OP I have a question and I apologize if you already answered this as I have not yet read the entire thread:

 

 

You said that you have known your wife for almost your whole life and that you were off and on with her for years before you married her. Did your wife cheat on her first husband with you or did you two have an emotionally inappropriate relationship while she was still married to her first husband?

 

 

Also you mentioned a few pages back that your wife no longer has access to this thread. How is that possible? As far as I know she can just go to any computer and look up Loveshack and read whatever she wants to. One does not have to be a member to read threads.

 

Hey,Lot of replies to go through since vacation is over,now I'm back at work.

I never considered my W to be a cheater,but once I read your post,I realized:

When my Wife realized her first marriage was ending (He abusive,cheating) I made a casual comment to a mutual friend and had them tell her to start saving money and She and I could get together.

She soon left her husband,moved in with her sister and she and I started dating.

Matter of fact,We had our Son together,while She was still legally married to her Ex Husband.

Its really,no different than what happened here.

We had agreed to separate and were making plans to divorce.

I believed her marriage was over and thought I was acting accordingly.

Now,being on the other side of the fence....I'm not so sure.

This probably has my perception very skewed about was it or wasn't it an affair,as this was the same way we started out.

For My marriage,She said to Me the marriage was over,rings came off,social media relationship status changed,and after finding her with the OM....I never thought there would remotely even be a chance of reconciliation together.

But,these events made it very easy for me to start a relationship with my girlfriend and have it not feel like I did anything wrong.

As far as the W reading this forum,No.

When She was on the page She started at my post and was scrolling down.

Never saw the title at the top and has asked me several times what this site was called.

And even if she did know and was reading it,I don't care.

I have nothing to hide.

[DueceCoupe]

Not that it matters at all. I just have little respect for those who chose to take back an unfaithful partner (no the time line does not matter). Your partner (or you) decided to entertain love outside of a primary relationship. The cause of that was to force a choice and face the pain of loss in a myriad of directions....force growth.

 

I like to read these forums to remind myself that basically it is all pooh and people tell themselves what they want to believe. Also to remind myself how lucky I've escaped such an emotional dungeon for so long.

 

Take care OP. There is life, an authentic life on the other side. None are so blind that will not see.

 

I think your right,a lot of people do tell themselves what they want to believe.

Me....well,I'm a little different.

I research hard and weigh the pros and cons.

In other words,It aint over till the Fat Lady sings....and I'm the Fat lady.

[jm2013]

I think your right,a lot of people do tell themselves what they want to believe.

Me....well,I'm a little different.

I research hard and weigh the pros and cons.

In other words,It aint over till the Fat Lady sings....and I'm the Fat lady.

 

It's hard to research infidelity since it affects each person differently. The one thing you should take from your research is to take what comes out of your WW's mouth with a grain of salt. I'm not sure how far down the rabbit hole you want to go but there is usually much more to the story that will set you back and keep setting you back during your reconciliation. It goes something like this.

 

1. You move back in with each other

 

2. Life is OK and you're living in the now triggering here and there but you find ways to muddle through

 

3. You inadvertently stumble on something that you didn't know about her affair. Perhaps she was banging him for a year and loved the OM. BAM you get set back.

 

4. Your wife minimizes your evidence and comforts you AKA (more lying and trickle truth).

 

5. Rinse and repeat

 

I should not not all waywards are the same. Very few are honest and open with their spouse from the get go. I think the ones that are overwhelmed with the guilt from their actions who end up telling their spouse themselves without their spouse catching them in the act or finding out about it are more in line for a real successful reconciliation in my opinion. A Wayward can do more damage with their lies and trickle truth in the beginning than the actual affair itself. This builds an unstable base for the reconciliation and will more than likely doom the marriage completely.

 

Then you realize that you take one step forward you move two steps back. You'll also get to stare at your wife in wonderment of why, how and for what? Why could the woman who you married, loved and made children with betray you like that? Is this who she really is? Did she really change? Will she respect boundaries next time another man tries to get with her? Will she not confront you on marital issues in the future and let them fester again and help aid her into her next affair?

 

As you can see, when you go back home you're going to have a whole host of things on your mind. At first you'll probably be good. When you start getting comfortable again is when all these new thoughts will probably start happening. I know emotions differ from person to person. I don't know you or what you'll feel. I can only speculate.

 

Good luck to you. I'm sure your mind is constantly racing with different options. Maybe you can think of another option as well. Move into your own place and tell both of them you're working on yourself. Continue communication with both of them. See who sticks by your side through time. Time itself is usually a good indicator of where you'll know to set your sails.

[DueceCoupe]

It's hard to research infidelity since it affects each person differently. The one thing you should take from your research is to take what comes out of your WW's mouth with a grain of salt. I'm not sure how far down the rabbit hole you want to go but there is usually much more to the story that will set you back and keep setting you back during your reconciliation. It goes something like this.

 

1. You move back in with each other

 

2. Life is OK and you're living in the now triggering here and there but you find ways to muddle through

 

3. You inadvertently stumble on something that you didn't know about her affair. Perhaps she was banging him for a year and loved the OM. BAM you get set back.

 

4. Your wife minimizes your evidence and comforts you AKA (more lying and trickle truth).

 

5. Rinse and repeat

 

I should not not all waywards are the same. Very few are honest and open with their spouse from the get go. I think the ones that are overwhelmed with the guilt from their actions who end up telling their spouse themselves without their spouse catching them in the act or finding out about it are more in line for a real successful reconciliation in my opinion. A Wayward can do more damage with their lies and trickle truth in the beginning than the actual affair itself. This builds an unstable base for the reconciliation and will more than likely doom the marriage completely.

 

Then you realize that you take one step forward you move two steps back. You'll also get to stare at your wife in wonderment of why, how and for what? Why could the woman who you married, loved and made children with betray you like that? Is this who she really is? Did she really change? Will she respect boundaries next time another man tries to get with her? Will she not confront you on marital issues in the future and let them fester again and help aid her into her next affair?

 

As you can see, when you go back home you're going to have a whole host of things on your mind. At first you'll probably be good. When you start getting comfortable again is when all these new thoughts will probably start happening. I know emotions differ from person to person. I don't know you or what you'll feel. I can only speculate.

 

Good luck to you. I'm sure your mind is constantly racing with different options. Maybe you can think of another option as well. Move into your own place and tell both of them you're working on yourself. Continue communication with both of them. See who sticks by your side through time. Time itself is usually a good indicator of where you'll know to set your sails.

 

We are still in the same house together.

Its very rough.

I am dealing while she is awake and able to talk to Me....but freak out mentally while she sleeps.

It makes zero sense to Me.

[jbrent890]

We are still in the same house together.

Its very rough.

I am dealing while she is awake and able to talk to Me....but freak out mentally while she sleeps.

It makes zero sense to Me.

 

I think that's why you are having a hard time deciding, your still living with your wife. My man, what you need to do is find a place to stay for a couple of days and go completely NC with both women. I think that is going to be the best way to help clear your head and make a good decision. Like I said though, you need to stop wavering as much as you are. I understand this is hard for you, but this isn't fair to both women. I do agree with everyone else, it's exceedingly obvious that you do want to take your wife back and I gurantee that if we sense this, your wife and gf do as well. You rarely talk about your gf. I think the only thing that is really stopping you with taking your wife back is that you don't want to hurt your girlfriend, which is completely understandable. Take a couple days away from both women. During that time, you need to ask yourself is your wife acting or is she truly remorseful. I have seen this story so many times. Wife has an affair, leaves, husband moves on, wife can't stand being alone, asks for a second chance, husband goes back, wife isn't truly remorseful and expects everything to be rug swept. If you don't believe me, then read some of the recent stories on here. Hope this helps bro.

[DueceCoupe]

I think that's why you are having a hard time deciding, your still living with your wife. My man, what you need to do is find a place to stay for a couple of days and go completely NC with both women. I think that is going to be the best way to help clear your head and make a good decision. Like I said though, you need to stop wavering as much as you are. I understand this is hard for you, but this isn't fair to both women. I do agree with everyone else, it's exceedingly obvious that you do want to take your wife back and I gurantee that if we sense this, your wife and gf do as well. You rarely talk about your gf. I think the only thing that is really stopping you with taking your wife back is that you don't want to hurt your girlfriend, which is completely understandable. Take a couple days away from both women. During that time, you need to ask yourself is your wife acting or is she truly remorseful. I have seen this story so many times. Wife has an affair, leaves, husband moves on, wife can't stand being alone, asks for a second chance, husband goes back, wife isn't truly remorseful and expects everything to be rug swept. If you don't believe me, then read some of the recent stories on here. Hope this helps bro.

 

Thanks Man.

I appreciate it.

Only reason I don't speak of the girlfriend much,is there is no real issues there.

Right now,I'm just so confused by my W....its all I really want to discuss because its constantly on my mind.

I wish to God,none of this had ever happened.

[toolforgrowth]

This I disagree with. I think the OP should probably divorce his wife, but if he chooses to reconcile with her then the GF has to go. There can be no honest attempt at saving the marriage if either partner is having an affair.

 

I can understand why you disagree, and you bring up good points. But when it comes to infidelity, I'm something of an "eye for an eye" kinda guy. I don't think that WS's (by and large) fully understand what they did without going through it themselves.

 

I also think it's far too soon for OP to decide if his wife is worth reconciling or not. She could easily get him to break up with his GF and then resume the A...it's not uncommon.

 

I'd divorce the wife ASAP and see where things go with the GF or just be single. In the meantime he can observe his then xW and see how she's doing. While I do believe he's in a rebound, his W must prove that she's worthy of a second chance. Her doing that is not contingent upon him putting his life on hold.

 

Just my two cents.

[mikethemechanic]

What about her demands and needs have the two of you discussed purchasing a new home together? A home to a woman is a lot more than security; out of that home she can have barbecues invite your girlfriends over invite family over for the holidays-without having to worry about denting the house.

[jm2013]

What about her demands and needs have the two of you discussed purchasing a new home together? A home to a woman is a lot more than security; out of that home she can have barbecues invite your girlfriends over invite family over for the holidays-without having to worry about denting the house.

 

I would be amazed if he purchased a home right now. It sounds like he's financially free of her. No home sales very little asset split perhaps. Tossing a home in such a volatile situation in my mind is just pure insanity.

[elaine567]

Thanks Man.

I appreciate it.

Only reason I don't speak of the girlfriend much,is there is no real issues there.

Right now,I'm just so confused by my W....its all I really want to discuss because its constantly on my mind.

I wish to God,none of this had ever happened.

 

But it did.

 

I feel you want to go back to the "cosy" times, with your wife before it happened, but it happened for a reason,

You and your wife separated for a reason,

she embarked on an affair for a reason,

as did you, for a reason.

 

You have already had, the "I love you but I am not in love with you" speech prior to this all kicking off, so what has really changed?

She hikes off to the "friends" house for a few hours, before coming home with you again and suddenly she is "in love" with you...

I am a bit sceptical really.

 

This was not a drunken ONS, this was months if not years of unhappiness culminating in an "affair" with, a man supposedly far below her in status and that actually smacks of desperation to me. She was willing to go to anyone, just to get out maybe...

 

I hope she wasn't seriously physically coerced in the "friend's" home, would she really have ever come home of her own free will?

Is all this making up and kowtowing done through fear perhaps and not through "love"?

[mikethemechanic]

I would be amazed if he purchased a home right now. It sounds like he's financially free of her. No home sales very little asset split perhaps. Tossing a home in such a volatile situation in my mind is just pure insanity.

 

Sounds like they're babysitting an elderly person or handicapped care-taking/care-giver living in the persons home. So there wouldn't be much space if any for his wife to put her trinkets and other things. Secondly they both work around the clock so it calls into question if there's anytime for a relationship with either each other or the kids. Where does he get time for his gf?

 

Thirdly wouldn't have his gf investigated into the problem learning that he is essentially destitute. I've seen this issue before where the husband losses work and they move in with an elderly couple or their parents.

 

Fourthly deuce IS debating on weither to go back to his wife... To what? To whom? To where the same house? After his wife says she needs a home... they can't even buy a house because deuce spent his money on motorcycles doesn't that sound irresponsible. Imagine if they were to be kicked out today where would they live inside the car and commute by motor bike. Remember he's thinking about getting together with his wife right.

[DueceCoupe]

But it did.

 

I feel you want to go back to the "cosy" times, with your wife before it happened, but it happened for a reason,

You and your wife separated for a reason,

she embarked on an affair for a reason,

as did you, for a reason.

 

You have already had, the "I love you but I am not in love with you" speech prior to this all kicking off, so what has really changed?

She hikes off to the "friends" house for a few hours, before coming home with you again and suddenly she is "in love" with you...

I am a bit sceptical really.

 

This was not a drunken ONS, this was months if not years of unhappiness culminating in an "affair" with, a man supposedly far below her in status and that actually smacks of desperation to me. She was willing to go to anyone, just to get out maybe...

 

I hope she wasn't seriously physically coerced in the "friend's" home, would she really have ever come home of her own free will?

Is all this making up and kowtowing done through fear perhaps and not through "love"?

 

Elaine,

Have you read through the entire thread?

This was not a matter of having a Love revelation on the return trip home.....this is several months later.

And your end questions I seriously hope are not You accusing me of forcing my W to come home or is only in Love because she fears me.

If you read the whole thread I think you would have read that I told her to come home and pack her things and I left....so I am totally confused by your comments.

[DueceCoupe]

Sounds like they're babysitting an elderly person or handicapped care-taking/care-giver living in the persons home. So there wouldn't be much space if any for his wife to put her trinkets and other things. Secondly they both work around the clock so it calls into question if there's anytime for a relationship with either each other or the kids. Where does he get time for his gf?

 

Thirdly wouldn't have his gf investigated into the problem learning that he is essentially destitute. I've seen this issue before where the husband losses work and they move in with an elderly couple or their parents.

 

Fourthly deuce IS debating on weither to go back to his wife... To what? To whom? To where the same house? After his wife says she needs a home... they can't even buy a house because deuce spent his money on motorcycles doesn't that sound irresponsible. Imagine if they were to be kicked out today where would they live inside the car and commute by motor bike. Remember he's thinking about getting together with his wife right.

 

Mike,

I am far from destitute.

Buying a 1500 motorcycle was nothing to Us financially,it was the fact that I did so without seriously consulting Her first.

[mikethemechanic]

Mike,

I am far from destitute.

Buying a 1500 motorcycle was nothing to Us financially,it was the fact that I did so without seriously consulting Her first.

No... $15,000 motorcycle is hardly the price for your wife's security that is a home. This story touches a cord for me having been through it myself, I know of three men from the community who went work and they came home their wife was gone the one person who I refere to is my best friend this all didn't happen at the same.My friend promised to buy his wife a home, yes she gave time and then left. then there's my story a very thorny subject one which I don't care to discuss nor do I have to since this is not my thread.

Anyway I think you'd better purchase a home before returning to your wife, which I certain that you have every intention of doing. Since all you do is write about her in prose, you love her don't you Deuce!

[HereNorThere]

What about her demands and needs have the two of you discussed purchasing a new home together? A home to a woman is a lot more than security; out of that home she can have barbecues invite your girlfriends over invite family over for the holidays-without having to worry about denting the house.

 

Oh god, OP. Whatever you do, don't do anything to that would encourage your wife to have more friends over. We all know how well her "friends" thing worked out last time.

 

And if you end up buying a house with a pool, do yourself a favor a clean it yourself.

 

And no milk delivery services either!

[DueceCoupe]

No... $15,000 motorcycle is hardly the price for your wife's security that is a home. This story touches a cord for me having been through it myself, I know of three men from the community who went work and they came home their wife was gone the one person who I refere to is my best friend this all didn't happen at the same.My friend promised to buy his wife a home, yes she gave time and then left. then there's my story a very thorny subject one which I don't care to discuss nor do I have to since this is not my thread.

Anyway I think you'd better purchase a home before returning to your wife, which I certain that you have every intention of doing. Since all you do is write about her in prose, you love her don't you Deuce!

 

1500.00,NOT 15,000

Used 1988 Katana.

Not a bad bike,but not the price of a house either!!!

I dont feel I write of Her prose,mostly just the confusion of if we were separated,was it truly an affair for either of Us.

Most think it was,but I am still not sure how I feel about it.

Just confused and hurt really....

[jm2013]

1500.00,NOT 15,000

Used 1988 Katana.

Not a bad bike,but not the price of a house either!!!

I dont feel I write of Her prose,mostly just the confusion of if we were separated,was it truly an affair for either of Us.

Most think it was,but I am still not sure how I feel about it.

Just confused and hurt really....

 

I guess at this point it doesn't really matter. It sounds like you had something going on with your girlfriend early on. Perhaps even carried an emotional affair through some years in your marriage with your current girlfriend. Who knows when your wife's affair really started. I am sure the truth on that on is well hidden. I guess you should really sit back and ask yourself who makes you the most happy. Your girlfriend or you wife? Let's say we'll call what you did an affair and hers an affair. Would that emotionally make it even in your mind to reconcile successfully with your wife and minimize her actions? Would that make your decision easier for you if we call what you did an affair? Looking back at your story it sounds like this friend you've carried through the years had more than just a friend connection. To be honest, this relationship you had with this other woman through your marriage I think was incredibly disrespectful. There's never really just "good friends" with an opposite sex. There is typically a LOT more to the story for those who say that.

[DueceCoupe]

I guess at this point it doesn't really matter. It sounds like you had something going on with your girlfriend early on. Perhaps even carried an emotional affair through some years in your marriage with your current girlfriend. Who knows when your wife's affair really started. I am sure the truth on that on is well hidden. I guess you should really sit back and ask yourself who makes you the most happy. Your girlfriend or you wife? Let's say we'll call what you did an affair and hers an affair. Would that emotionally make it even in your mind to reconcile successfully with your wife and minimize her actions? Would that make your decision easier for you if we call what you did an affair? Looking back at your story it sounds like this friend you've carried through the years had more than just a friend connection. To be honest, this relationship you had with this other woman through your marriage I think was incredibly disrespectful. There's never really just "good friends" with an opposite sex. There is typically a LOT more to the story for those who say that.

 

No,I can honestly say it was never more than a close friend ship.

We would go months at a time with no contact,but during any major or traumatic times,We always could count on each other to lend an ear or ask advice.

I didn't run to her open arms when I caught my wife with the OM.

I contacted her for advice and help.

She was my support and offered many ways to try and fix my marriage at first.

There was never anything inappropriate during our friendship.

[jm2013]

No,I can honestly say it was never more than a close friend ship.

We would go months at a time with no contact,but during any major or traumatic times,We always could count on each other to lend an ear or ask advice.

I didn't run to her open arms when I caught my wife with the OM.

I contacted her for advice and help.

She was my support and offered many ways to try and fix my marriage at first.

There was never anything inappropriate during our friendship.

 

Did you do that with your wife? Do you feel a stronger friendship with your girlfriend more than your wife? Has your wife ever asked you about your friendship your with your girlfriend? I'm just curious. If I knew my wife had a good "friend" she confided in of the opposite sex on important things that I thought we should have communicated on I think I would feel extremely disrespected.

[DueceCoupe]

Just had it out with the wife this morning.

More truth continues coming out.

Her relationship with the OM was during a one month period (seeing each other 1 time a week) at the beginning of August until I caught them together at the end of August.

I finally snapped,telling Her how I feel.

I cant believe she would do this during the period of time I was trying to fix things,that she didn't even wait a full month before starting to see someone else.

They had started talking through social media in June,with it becoming a series of booty calls through August.

She still maintains that she did NOT leave me for the OM,but was just that unhappy with the marriage that she considered it over.

She agrees to a Polygraph.

But,says we cannot fix things until I end my relationship with the G.

Doesnt see how counseling is an option while I am still with the G.

I keep getting alot of advice on here to go where I am Happy.

Others keep asking if I still Love my wife.

How I feel right now is,I do still Love my wife.

Love isn't a switch I can just turn off.

I am disgusted by her actions,but with the history we share I will probably always Love her.

Where am I happiest?

Obviously with the girlfriend right now....because there is none of this going on with her.

Can reconciliation with my W take place?

Can I ever be over this and truly Happy with her again???

[jm2013]

Just had it out with the wife this morning.

More truth continues coming out.

Her relationship with the OM was during a one month period (seeing each other 1 time a week) at the beginning of August until I caught them together at the end of August.

I finally snapped,telling Her how I feel.

I cant believe she would do this during the period of time I was trying to fix things,that she didn't even wait a full month before starting to see someone else.

They had started talking through social media in June,with it becoming a series of booty calls through August.

She still maintains that she did NOT leave me for the OM,but was just that unhappy with the marriage that she considered it over.

She agrees to a Polygraph.

But,says we cannot fix things until I end my relationship with the G.

Doesnt see how counseling is an option while I am still with the G.

I keep getting alot of advice on here to go where I am Happy.

Others keep asking if I still Love my wife.

How I feel right now is,I do still Love my wife.

Love isn't a switch I can just turn off.

I am disgusted by her actions,but with the history we share I will probably always Love her.

Where am I happiest?

Obviously with the girlfriend right now....because there is none of this going on with her.

Can reconciliation with my W take place?

Can I ever be over this and truly Happy with her again???

 

 

DueceCoupe, I felt the same thing man. Love is not a switch you can just turn off. I said the exact same words. What you're experiencing is trickle truth and lies. We told you all about it. If you think you have ALL of the story right now you're kidding yourself. There's more to her story. She's probably bluffing you on the polygraph as well. My wife did the same thing. I told my wife I wanted a poly and she was ok with it even know she was lying about it. If you reconciled with your wife right now initially I think it would be good. She'd probably give you plenty of sex to try and take your mind off. Then your mind starts wandering off into other places. You might get so disgusted with your wife it starts affecting your sexual relationship. This is happening to me right now.

 

Is that something you'd look forward to? You obviously love your wife more than your girlfriend. Can you reconcile with your wife? Sure, absolutely. Will it be successful? Nobody knows the answer to that question. It depends on the efforts of each spouse. Each spouse has to be committed 100%. It is hard man. Probably the hardest thing you'd do in your life is to reconcile with a cheating spouse. If you want to fall out of love quickly with your wife just focus on the betrayal. How she was able to start an affair with the OM, bang him then come home and sleep next to you. I'm not sure if STDs have been tested for or if you've had sex after you found out but it's always good to be safe and know.