Affair(s)

[DueceCoupe]

DueceCoupe, I felt the same thing man. Love is not a switch you can just turn off. I said the exact same words. What you're experiencing is trickle truth and lies. We told you all about it. If you think you have ALL of the story right now you're kidding yourself. There's more to her story. She's probably bluffing you on the polygraph as well. My wife did the same thing. I told my wife I wanted a poly and she was ok with it even know she was lying about it. If you reconciled with your wife right now initially I think it would be good. She'd probably give you plenty of sex to try and take your mind off. Then your mind starts wandering off into other places. You might get so disgusted with your wife it starts affecting your sexual relationship. This is happening to me right now.

 

Is that something you'd look forward to? You obviously love your wife more than your girlfriend. Can you reconcile with your wife? Sure, absolutely. Will it be successful? Nobody knows the answer to that question. It depends on the efforts of each spouse. Each spouse has to be committed 100%. It is hard man. Probably the hardest thing you'd do in your life is to reconcile with a cheating spouse. If you want to fall out of love quickly with your wife just focus on the betrayal. How she was able to start an affair with the OM, bang him then come home and sleep next to you. I'm not sure if STDs have been tested for or if you've had sex after you found out but it's always good to be safe and know.

 

Did you too question was it an affair or just going your separate ways?

Thank God during this time we were not sleeping in the same bed.

It truly was over between us at that point.

Do you regret reconciling now?

[DKT3]

Just had it out with the wife this morning.

More truth continues coming out.

Her relationship with the OM was during a one month period (seeing each other 1 time a week) at the beginning of August until I caught them together at the end of August.

I finally snapped,telling Her how I feel.

I cant believe she would do this during the period of time I was trying to fix things,that she didn't even wait a full month before starting to see someone else.

They had started talking through social media in June,with it becoming a series of booty calls through August.

She still maintains that she did NOT leave me for the OM,but was just that unhappy with the marriage that she considered it over.

She agrees to a Polygraph.

But,says we cannot fix things until I end my relationship with the G.

Doesnt see how counseling is an option while I am still with the G.

I keep getting alot of advice on here to go where I am Happy.

Others keep asking if I still Love my wife.

How I feel right now is,I do still Love my wife.

Love isn't a switch I can just turn off.

I am disgusted by her actions,but with the history we share I will probably always Love her.

Where am I happiest?

Obviously with the girlfriend right now....because there is none of this going on with her.

Can reconciliation with my W take place?

Can I ever be over this and truly Happy with her again???

 

We told you, now your getting closer to the truth. There is still much more. The question is how much more do you need.

 

Your response to her need to be you can't fix things until she is totally honest. She is still holding back, of that I'm sure of. Second story is better then the first but still not the whole story

[elaine567]

She still maintains that she did NOT leave me for the OM,but was just that unhappy with the marriage that she considered it over...

 

This ^^^^^ is important.

 

and

 

Can I ever be over this and truly Happy with her again??

 

It is not only can YOU ever be happy with her again, it is also can SHE ever be happy with you again.

You and she, obviously had some big problems in your marriage, and I am sure your wife is feeling the guilt just now, and I guess some of her "love" will also be due to the fact you have an OW in the picture and your wife is just staking her claim.

(We usually tend to want something more, if we think it is just out of our reach...)

 

BUT when all this drama and emotion and angst dies down, what is left?

Two people who had a bad marriage, who may well, when all is said and done still have a bad marriage. I know you were trying, but she still left anyway.

MC is needed, but your wife is right you cannot commmit to the marriage, if your OW is still on the scene.

 

Seems you are in a place just now, where you can have your cake and eat it, what does your OW say about this "reconciliation".

[jm2013]

Did you too question was it an affair or just going your separate ways?

Thank God during this time we were not sleeping in the same bed.

It truly was over between us at that point.

Do you regret reconciling now?

 

I questioned an affair. My wife had a year and some months affair behind my back. It was full of sex, love and whatever else they did that I don't know about. I moved out of my house when I found out and came back home a few months later. Your wife was probably a lot more involved with her other man than what you know about. You're just beginning to scratch the surface I think. What she I think realized though is the relationship will not work with the other man which is why she's trying to work on a reconciliation with you. Otherwise she wouldn't be trying to get you back.

 

Do I personally regret trying to reconcile? I guess not really. I have a kid with my wife so now I can tell my daughter I tried but couldn't emotionally get past her betrayal. I think she'd have more respect for me down the road I don't know. Also, I'm kind of glad in some instances because if we do end up splitting for good I think it would be on better terms than the first go. I think now it would be easier for us to co-parent than the initial shock of finding out about her affair.

[jm2013]

I should also add in this little tidbit. If your current girlfriend if your lover and you guys were good friends before this event will probably shatter your friendship all together for good. So when you're thinking about it you should weigh those options. I wasn't in your position but looking back at things if I was I would have been even more comfortable to walk from the marriage and start fresh. Your love will fade for your wife in due time. Her actions will help you get over her. From the sounds of it right now at least I think your reconciliation would be extremely rocky. You're still in the beginning phases of her infidelity and you'll be reset a lot back to square one trying to figure out the truth. IF that's what you look forward to doing than by all means do it. It is definitely an emotional roller coaster you can avoid all together or just hop on and enjoy the ride like most of us.

[aliveagain]

Take her up on her offer of a polygraph, just booking the appointment may get you the truth you need if in fact there is more to be told. You can always cancel the appointment. The biggest issue I had with reconciliation was the imbalance created by her affair, the fact that she was willing to give freely to another man something she promised only to me. The lying and deception she did to have her affair was hard to get over. It showed how selfish she could become if she thought she could get away with it.The affair child she had with O/M was the death blow to our relationship, it could have easily happened to you or any other betrayed spouse on LS because they always lie about using protection.

 

Your dilemma is having to destroy a relationship that is going really well for a relationship that ended because of infidelity, deception and lies. If your relationship was so bad that she went to another man, why is getting back with you a good idea? Sometimes you just can't go back but only you can decide that, keeping your girlfriend hanging while you decide may hurt your relationship. You need to decide what's best for you.

[DKT3]

Take her up on her offer of a polygraph, just booking the appointment may get you the truth you need if in fact there is more to be told. You can always cancel the appointment. The biggest issue I had with reconciliation was the imbalance created by her affair, the fact that she was willing to give freely to another man something she promised only to me. The lying and deception she did to have her affair was hard to get over. It showed how selfish she could become if she thought she could get away with it.The affair child she had with O/M was the death blow to our relationship, it could have easily happened to you or any other betrayed spouse on LS because they always lie about using protection.

 

Your dilemma is having to destroy a relationship that is going really well for a relationship that ended because of infidelity, deception and lies. If your relationship was so bad that she went to another man, why is getting back with you a good idea? Sometimes you just can't go back but only you can decide that, keeping your girlfriend hanging while you decide may hurt your relationship. You need to decide what's best for you.

 

I agree with this and would also like to add, as you discover more lies it will leave you questioning many more periods in your marriage. I remember thinking, does this really happen all of a sudden or is it just my eyes are open now.

 

I also agree with elaine, a very large part of your wifes "change" of heart has to do directly with your girlfriend and the idea of you becoming unavailable to her. She may very well be done with you, but by god she doesn't want you done with her.

[mikethemechanic]

Well Deuce I have always believed that the pattern begins the same way what you need to do is find out how her affair started so that you can predict how the next one will start I highly doubt that she will go for the polygraph I think she's bluffing I also think that her boyfriend will not leave his wife so for her your her last supply until she can get back on her feet and start hunting again.

 

There's three things that I see one she's told you that I love you but I'm not in love with you from that we can infere that physical intimacy between the two of you is limited because she doesn't want to cheat on her lover.

 

Secondly we get back to the material aspect where she demands a house and you cannot fulfill these needs it seems only appropriate that she will seek out someone who can fulfill this need at least that would be the natural response.

 

Thirdly I believe it she may be influenced by her friends my wife was the same way, her friends would speak badly about me telling her that I wasn't earning enough that I wasn't doing enough that her life could be a lot better without me. Her parents began to say the same things later when I did buy the house she invited her best friend over excuse me while I calm down because I'm feriously upset as I write.

 

My ex-wife couldn't get girlfriends she was a loser nobody liked her until we got the new house and then she found a new bff. Bff and her so were invited over to our house with another couple for a barbecue her bff"s sob-started flirting with my wife in front of my face and behind my back and guess what my wife's bff never said anything she just sat there and took it. I hated that cowardly beeyoch and still do for letting him hit on my ex wife and not doing nothing about it. To the contrary I threw them both out of my house. In the end he apologized for flirting with my wife and we started hanging out together again until the affair was discovered. But what gets me furiously angry is that his beeyoch never said anything about it eventhough she knew it was going on behind my back.

 

I tell you this story because you can not understand a phenomena until you compare it with another phenomena and that is very few cheaters change even with the new house. My advice is not to listen to the goody two-shoes out there who preach redemption. Leave her! dumb that Beeyoch and make the switch to your gf.

[No Limit]

She wants things ended with my girlfriend before any attempt at counseling is to be made.

 

Oh, making demands already?

Final red flag you need. She isn't truly remorseful, still thinks herself a catch no matter what she does. Demands what she will never do for you - exclusivity. Faithfulness.

 

By the way, you seem to have a very tolerant girlfriend indeed if she really waits this long for you.

Of course, she might simply truly love you.

 

In my opinion, you're getting an easy choice on a platter and will regret it a few years, months, weeks down the road once you let this chance for a new life slip by. And this is what I truly pity in your case, not your sham of a marriage which has been dead for ages now.