Should you tell your partner/spouse when someone makes a move on you?

[jmanippo]

After 10 years of marriage you would think I’d have some idea how the female brain works but apparently not.

 

I found out a few months back that a friend of ours was sleeping with another mate’s wife. I won’t bore you with the details but needless to say they broke up.

 

We found out a month later that he had also made moves on another friend’s fiancée which she rejected but never mentioned it until all this came out in the open.

 

Now obviously my (ex)friend is a complete and utter jerk and is no longer anywhere near us but still things come to light to this day.

 

I was talking with my wife about what had happened and she confessed to me that he had also made moves on her (which she also rejected). I won’t lie, I was angry, with him of course but also with my wife for not telling. I told her I wanted every single little detail and it better be everything and we’ll see if we can get through this.

 

The details have made me even more angry. I have a “thing” I do with my wife where I sneak up behind her, cover her eyes and then kiss her neck or fondle her a bit. We had discussed this many times in our group so obviously my (ex)friend knew about it. He used it to his advantage. He did exactly what I would do and actually got his hand down her pants before my wife turned around to kiss “me” only to find it was him. Apparently they had some words and he got slapped but I got nothing, I wasn’t even told. To make matters worse this was the second occasion he had tried something. On another occasion he tried to kiss my wife but apologized because he was “drunk”.

 

My wife and I will work through this. I’m angry right now and the thought of him fingering my wife is gut wrenching so we’ll see where it leads. But thinking about this has led me to questions my wife’s and by default other womens motives so that is what I want to touch on here.

 

We have 3 women in our group who this guy made moves on and ALL of them said nothing to their partners, WHY?? As it all comes out in the open he made a move twice on my wife, once on another and 4 or 5 times on the original one we found out about before she finally said yes and started having sex. Based on that I certainly can’t be confident that others from our circle aren’t just keeping quiet.

 

So why do women keep quiet to their partners when another man makes a move on them? Doesn’t the husband or fiancé or even boyfriend deserve to know. Even is it is their best friend?

 

I’m not trying to bash women here, obviously my (ex)friend is a complete loser, he is nothing to me now but that doesn’t excuse my wife’s lack of respect to me by not telling me. And it’s not just my wife not telling as I have explained. So what’s the go with that?

[d0nnivain]

It depends. You clearly wanted to know so your wife inadvertently hurt you by not telling you. Since she shut the guy down she probably just didn't want there to be more drama. It wasn't something she was hiding from you to be sneaky.

 

 

When I 1st started on message boards like these everybody posted that it was highly disrespectful for a person not to tell their partner that somebody hit on them. I didn't think it was necessary & had never said anything to previous BFs. I would simply tell the person who made a pass at me that I wasn't interested & it was a non-event. But as a newlywed & given "everybody's" adamant advice that disclosure was mandated & the failure to tell your partner was tantamount to cheating, the next time somebody hit on me I told my new husband.

 

 

My husband's reaction wasn't what I was expecting. He calmly looked at me & asked if I needed him to go beat the snot out of the person who hit on me. I was aghast & said of course not but that I had read on these boards that I was supposed to tell him or it was disrespectful. He laughed & reminded me that I had been fending off unwanted advances quite well for my entire adult life & that he's well aware that men hit on me all the time because I'm a flirty girl who draws clear boundaries. I joked that if I told him every time some guy made a pass at me, we'd never have time to talk about anything else. He also asked that I only bring it to his attention if I need him to intervene.

 

 

That's the system that works for us.

 

 

Since you & your wife never really talked about how you expect her to react, be happy that she shot him down just assure her that you can handle it & would prefer to know if something like that happens in the future but please don't punish her for not telling you.

[jmanippo]

I would simply tell the person who made a pass at me that I wasn't interested & it was a non-event.

 

And if it was a non-event that is totally acceptable.

 

If a stranger at a club makes a move on my wife I don't need to know that, I think the line gets a little blurred when the person is not a stranger but a very close friend but can still accept that not telling is ok.

 

But once that close friend has his hand on my wife's private parts that is not a non-event anymore, that is a pretty damn big huge event to me. Sure it was shot down but it was shot after the event.

 

I think as soon as the person moves from a stranger to a friend making the moves the decision to tell be comes more complicated, you might offer them one pass but after a second time surely it's time to tell?

[No Limit]

To be honest, it depends on how the guy would do it. If he just asks me once with bedroom eyes he'd get a slap and I'd be off and tell my partner. But if he takes the subtle route all I would do would be to pull away from the friend circle (or at the very least keep a large distance) because I'd be the one looking like a paranoid idiot without proof, giving simple questions too much meaning etc.

 

Tl;dr; every woman is different in the end. Had he tried that move on me I would have told my partner and maybe hire some people to beat him up.

Edited December 31, 2014 by No Limit

[d0nnivain]

But once that close friend has his hand on my wife's private parts that is not a non-event anymore, that is a pretty damn big huge event to me. Sure it was shot down but it was shot after the event.

 

I think as soon as the person moves from a stranger to a friend making the moves the decision to tell be comes more complicated, you might offer them one pass but after a second time surely it's time to tell?

 

 

Sorry I missed that part. Touching is an event. However, my husband is EX military & I still might not have told him if I thought I handled it. The reason for keeping it from him is more to protect him from going to jail for beating the snot out of the other guy. Does that make sense?

 

 

There was some guy I knew professionally who was a real piece of work who was always a disgusting disrespectful pig but there was no touching. Everyone knew what a jerk he was & eventually he got fired but I didn't come home crying to my husband when he repeated crossed lines. There wasn't anything my husband could have done & I'm not the type that let's others fight my battles for me.

 

 

The guy -- your former friend -- is unquestionably a jerk but talk to your wife before you bite her head off about this. Like me, she may have been worried that you'd go off & end up in jail trying to pummel the guy.

[Sassy Girl]

This can often be a no win situation for a wife.

 

Your friend is a liar and cheat, and would no doubt lie and lie and lie if he was confronted about his behaviour. So it would be your word against wife. This would have a ripple effect in your social group and affect your friendships and relationships. Your wife didnt want to be the instigator of that (even though it was YOUR MATE who started it)...There is a tendency, especially where women are concerned, to blame the victim in circumstances like this. Your wife could not guarantee that she wouldnt be held to account...after all...he had his hand down her pants...She's probably humiliated and embarrassed, because in my view...this is sexual assault. Pure and simple. Had she known it was him she wouldn't have consented. But she didnt stop it. She probably feels like its her own fault in some regards (its not, by the way - she did nothing wrong) She never consented. See the issue here?

 

I think you need to cut your wife some slack. This guy is obviously a disgusting predator and she did the best job of defining her boundaries with him (a slap will do that). Have a bit of empathy - she was molested without her consent, by a 'friend' who she thought she could trust. How she handles that deserves a bit of leeway. Ive had similar things happen to me and my first response was just shock.

[Rainbowlove]

Um, he penetrated her against her will.

 

That's rape.

 

Perhaps she was scared to tell you bc you might blame her.

 

Or she felt ashamed.

 

But in my opinion, she should have told you bc I wouldn't want you to remain friends with someone who assaulted me.

 

It doesn't add up to me.

[jmanippo]

The guy -- your former friend -- is unquestionably a jerk but talk to your wife before you bite her head off about this. Like me, she may have been worried that you'd go off & end up in jail trying to pummel the guy.

 

I think it is lucky that he has moved interstate. There is more than just me who would like a quiet word in a dimly lit back alley with him.

 

I do feel for my wife, I am not a complete heartless person. I can imagine her shock when she turned around to find me but it was him, I can imagine her guilt and disgust. I just wish I could have helped her deal with it at the time instead of dragging it out of a closed box to have to be dealt with again.

 

I wish she trusted me enough that if she said leave him alone that I would have out of respect for her regardless of my personal feelings.

[toscaroscura]

Your wife was completely violated and any hint of anger at her sits very badly with me.

 

There are myriad reasons she didn't tell. Shame, shock, guilt, not wanting to disrupt the group, not wanting to anger you, etc. She may have correctly believed that no one would buy the story that he somehow snuck up on her.

 

"Oh, please, you couldn't tell it wasn't your husband? You're just lying to cover up cheating!"

 

Women get blamed for these sorts of things all the time, and told they wanted it or somehow caused it.

 

She probably just wanted to forget the whole sordid thing ever happened and the slap seemed to have stopped him, thankfully.

 

As far as your question of what motives women have not not telling their men they've been hit on? Simple. I'm an adult and I handle my business. Why would you even need to know some guy hit on your wife/GF? You either trust your partner or you don't. And where would you draw the line? Simple flirting? "Making eyes"? An actual date invite?

[jmanippo]

As far as your question of what motives women have not not telling their men they've been hit on? Simple. I'm an adult and I handle my business. Why would you even need to know some guy hit on your wife/GF? You either trust your partner or you don't. And where would you draw the line? Simple flirting? "Making eyes"? An actual date invite?

 

As I said I think it's a lot different when it is someone that is part of a group of friends and when it happens multiple times.

 

I don't need to know that a random guy hit on my wife at work, at a club, or wherever.

 

I don't necessarily need to know when someone from our group of friends hits on my wife if it is an isolated incident. I can accept it as a mistake.

 

I do need to be told when someone from our group of friends hits on my wife multiple times. It's o longer a mistake.

 

I do need to be told when the "hitting on" my wife progresses to a touch or a kiss regardless of whether it's the first time and regardless of whether it's a stranger.

 

It's not about trust of my wife, it's about knowing who is in my circle of friends and being able to make an informed decision about whether I still want them there.

[toscaroscura]

As I said I think it's a lot different when it is someone that is part of a group of friends and when it happens multiple times.

 

I don't need to know that a random guy hit on my wife at work, at a club, or wherever.

 

I don't necessarily need to know when someone from our group of friends hits on my wife if it is an isolated incident. I can accept it as a mistake.

 

I do need to be told when someone from our group of friends hits on my wife multiple times. It's o longer a mistake.

 

I do need to be told when the "hitting on" my wife progresses to a touch or a kiss regardless of whether it's the first time and regardless of whether it's a stranger.

 

It's not about trust of my wife, it's about knowing who is in my circle of friends and being able to make an informed decision about whether I still want them there.

 

But what I'm saying is, the fact that he touched her changes the whole situation from if he had just verbally hit on her multiple times.

 

With just constant verbal come-ons, most women just think we can handle the creep ourselves as long as he doesn't get dangerous. You think a woman should tell when a guy in the group is constantly hitting on her, and you might be right, but it really depends on the group dynamics. Lots of times, people report bad behavior and get met with, "Steve?! No! I can't see Steve doing something like that!" or "Haha, yeah well you know Steve! It's no big deal."

 

Besides, no one wants to be the cause of "drama", and as justified as her telling on a creep might be, it's likely she'd be viewed as an oversensitive troublemaker.

 

However, once he assaulted her things changed. I went over why she might have stayed quiet after that.

[Gloria25]

Look, actually, this came up on my fav podcaster's show AGAIN...

 

And, I agree with her. If your SO "handled it", then there's nothing to tell.

 

I'm not gonna burden my guy with useless info. We all get hit on by people several times a day, week, month, year, etc. I'm not gonna run to my guy every time some jerk-off makes a play at me.

 

I mean, the woman that called in today. Her husband got hit on by a woman he had to buy some shirts from for business. He told the woman he was married, not interested, and now back to business. Well, for some reason wife pressured him about the chick and he told her "yeah, but I handled it". And now wife is mad at husband cuz he didn't tell her and she's been distant from him and la la.

 

Again, I'm not gonna burden some guy I'm seeing issues related to a "nobody".

[SolG]

I don't really know how I'd handle it as it's never happened to me. But hypothetically, I think one of my concerns would be your relationship with your friend. I wouldn't want to be the cause of friction or breakdown of a friendship that was important to you. Especially if I perceived it as close and important to you.

 

If he was a known drunkard flirt and tried it on a couple of times, I would just handle it and let it go. But if it became persistant, I think I would have had to tell you.

[Got it]

Having experienced what I have experienced, now, I would absolutely tell my spouse. In the past I would have probably not bothered him with the information but what I have learned now there would be complete transparency and I am not going to shoulder this alone. Any outcome on the ex-friend that crossed the line would not be protected from the consequences of his behavior, unfortunately that has allowed this predator to continue his violating of women.

 

So I would tell. I would tell my husband if anyone flirts with me as I am completely transparent with him and our partnership is the top priority.

[Art_Critic]

IMO, this breaks the boundary from getting hit on and sexual assault, if he did indeed finger your wife and kiss the back of her neck then he should have had or still should have the the cops called on him as what he did was sexual assault.

 

I would be upset for that reason only, I would expect my wife to let me know if she was assaulted or raped.

 

If someone hit on my wife it would be no biggie that she didn't tell me.. as a previous poster mentioned she has been fending off men hitting on her her whole life and me knowing wouldn't change a thing...

[autumnnight]

I'm wondering if she has forced herself to forget it. Tried to shove it down out of shock and now it's buried. I'm just saying that because it isn't unusual for that to happen.

 

My advice would be to talk to her about it gently and ignore any "yeah, right, all women are bitties and she's lying to ya" messages you might get. A rape victim is already traumatized. You know your wife. Talk with her and sort it out without any biased outside messages.

[Shepp]

A stranger hitting on her: Not particularly. Doesn't bother me, I know guys try their luck with her all the time - who am I to blame them. I know she can handle herself. I would only mention it to her in reverse if it was a particularly interesting situation. A checkout girl - I probably wouldn't mention, a nun - I'd phone her straight away.

 

 

My friend hitting on her: Hell yeah!! He's no friend of mine and I wanna know about it! I don't want to still be being his friend like a utter fool!

 

 

My friend sexually assaulting her: This goes above and beyond. I'd want to know and i'd be out for his blood.

 

 

 

 

That said Its not like id be massively betrayed by her, its him id me super mad at in both scenarios but yeah id still want her to of told me

[denise_xo]

Have you asked your wife why she didn't tell you? What did she respond?

[LivingWaterPlease]

A stranger hitting on her: Not particularly. Doesn't bother me, I know guys try their luck with her all the time - who am I to blame them. I know she can handle herself. I would only mention it to her in reverse if it was a particularly interesting situation. A checkout girl - I probably wouldn't mention, a nun - I'd phone her straight away.

 

 

My friend hitting on her: Hell yeah!! He's no friend of mine and I wanna know about it! I don't want to still be being his friend like a utter fool!

 

 

My friend sexually assaulting her: This goes above and beyond. I'd want to know and i'd be out for his blood.

 

 

 

 

That said Its not like id be massively betrayed by her, its him id me super mad at in both scenarios but yeah id still want her to of told me

 

^^^^^

This, all of it.

[jmanippo]

Thanks for all the replies, they pretty much confirm what I was thinking. That there's no need to tell if it's a stranger but most probably tell if it's a friend and definitely tell if it involves touching. In our little group of 6 couples we have 3 wives who have not followed that logic. I'm not sure whether that's above the odds but it certainly seems so based on the replies here. The question now is why?

 

Have you asked your wife why she didn't tell you? What did she respond?

 

I certainly have asked and I am not happy with the responses... didn't want to ruin the friendship, group dynamics etc, it's all been mentioned here, sorry but those reasons just don't cut it with me. Why would I or the group want to save the friendship after he did that to my wife? Why would my wife let me sit around sharing a beer with this "man" after what he tried in her? And now we know 2 other women in our group made the same decisions to not tell their husbands. I find it very unsettling.

 

I certainly don't blame my wife for what happened but I do have issues with her not telling. If she spoke up after the first time when it was just a proposition it could have been stopped right there. If my mates wife spoke up the first time it could have stopped there where she went on to eventually sleep with him.

 

To me it looks like there has been a cheating spouse, another propositioned and another assaulted all due to staying quiet and not wanting to rock the boat. I still believe the other 3 that are quiet on the matter must have been at least propositioned as well making the decision of silence even more distressing.

 

Very simply if someone spoke up after the first instance then even if we didn't ostracize him we would have at least had a very keen eye on him possibly stopping all that has happened.

[loveboid]

Very simply if someone spoke up after the first instance then even if we didn't ostracize him we would have at least had a very keen eye on him possibly stopping all that has happened.

 

This is so nice to hear. It's different from responses people usually get in this type of situation. Good on you! Maybe more people will speak up now.

[denise_xo]

That there's no need to tell if it's a stranger but most probably tell if it's a friend and definitely tell if it involves touching. In our little group of 6 couples we have 3 wives who have not followed that logic. I'm not sure whether that's above the odds but it certainly seems so based on the replies here. The question now is why?

 

I certainly have asked and I am not happy with the responses... didn't want to ruin the friendship, group dynamics etc, it's all been mentioned here, sorry but those reasons just don't cut it with me. Why would I or the group want to save the friendship after he did that to my wife? Why would my wife let me sit around sharing a beer with this "man" after what he tried in her? And now we know 2 other women in our group made the same decisions to not tell their husbands. I find it very unsettling.

 

Yes, very unsettling. Are you talking with their husbands about this? I think the point made upthread about women often ending up getting the blame is a valid one, but that might shut up one of them, not all three. What have the general group dynamics been like? Why is everyone so afraid to rock the boat? Are facades important in your social circle? Appearances more important than substance?

[carhill]

When in relationships and being married, I always left the subject wide open and, given how in demand women are in my demographic, expected other guys to be hitting on girlfriends or my spouse. It was far more rare, for myself anyway, for women to be hitting on married/involved men. I did outline a few of those incidents when they happened. IIRC, the only incidents my exW outlined were clients who behaved, to her, inappropriately but, to me, it was perfectly normal. One was a CHP (cop).

 

After 10 years of marriage you would think I’d have some idea how the female brain works but apparently not.

 

Congrats on ten and IMO fuggetabout figuring out how the female brain works. It's OK that it's a mystery. Other things in married life to do. Focus on your relationship and your own thoughts and feelings and communicate clearly your boundaries in matters such as romantic advances from others.

[Mal78]

After 10 years of marriage you would think I’d have some idea how the female brain works but apparently not.

 

I found out a few months back that a friend of ours was sleeping with another mate’s wife. I won’t bore you with the details but needless to say they broke up.

 

We found out a month later that he had also made moves on another friend’s fiancée which she rejected but never mentioned it until all this came out in the open.

 

Now obviously my (ex)friend is a complete and utter jerk and is no longer anywhere near us but still things come to light to this day.

 

I was talking with my wife about what had happened and she confessed to me that he had also made moves on her (which she also rejected). I won’t lie, I was angry, with him of course but also with my wife for not telling. I told her I wanted every single little detail and it better be everything and we’ll see if we can get through this.

 

The details have made me even more angry. I have a “thing” I do with my wife where I sneak up behind her, cover her eyes and then kiss her neck or fondle her a bit. We had discussed this many times in our group so obviously my (ex)friend knew about it. He used it to his advantage. He did exactly what I would do and actually got his hand down her pants before my wife turned around to kiss “me” only to find it was him. Apparently they had some words and he got slapped but I got nothing, I wasn’t even told. To make matters worse this was the second occasion he had tried something. On another occasion he tried to kiss my wife but apologized because he was “drunk”.

 

My wife and I will work through this. I’m angry right now and the thought of him fingering my wife is gut wrenching so we’ll see where it leads. But thinking about this has led me to questions my wife’s and by default other womens motives so that is what I want to touch on here.

 

We have 3 women in our group who this guy made moves on and ALL of them said nothing to their partners, WHY?? As it all comes out in the open he made a move twice on my wife, once on another and 4 or 5 times on the original one we found out about before she finally said yes and started having sex. Based on that I certainly can’t be confident that others from our circle aren’t just keeping quiet.

 

So why do women keep quiet to their partners when another man makes a move on them? Doesn’t the husband or fiancé or even boyfriend deserve to know. Even is it is their best friend?

 

I’m not trying to bash women here, obviously my (ex)friend is a complete loser, he is nothing to me now but that doesn’t excuse my wife’s lack of respect to me by not telling me. And it’s not just my wife not telling as I have explained. So what’s the go with that?

 

I would be curious if your wife knew he tried this type thing with the other women in your group or did she think these advances were exclusive to her.

 

My first thought why she didn't tell you was *shame*. Your wife was SEXUALLY ASSULTED and statistically women don't tell because of shame! STOP SHAMING HER!!! I get you are hurt she didn't tell you sooner however this is not her fault.

 

You talk like she cheated on you, "my wife and I will get through this" not "now that I know I am going to help my wife get through this". She was a victim. She probably has lived in torment and frankly charges should be laid. This ex-friend needs help!

[hoping2heal]

Hmm...

 

Well, yours is I suppose an extreme case. What your friend did was much more than a come on. In fact, it might even be considered a form of sexual assault (being that he touched her genitals (I think?) you said fingering her so if that's true then I would think for sure).

 

I can certainly understand why you would feel upset and/or hurt about not being told. Some things to consider though; did your wife feel violated? This might seem like a "DUH" question but has she actually expressed this? Chances are, she did feel violated (I sure as hell would have). There is a cycle of blame and shame. She might have enjoyed being fingered (if that really happened) or fondled, etc. and could feel terribly guilty for enjoying what happened up until she realized it was NOT you.

 

She might have felt so much shame over it, that she just decided to not talk about it all to anyone. These are are all pretty common reactions to sexual assault and if this man really did touch her genitals or finger her, that is what happened here.