Should you tell your partner/spouse when someone makes a move on you?

[Poppygoodwill]

A

It's not about trust of my wife, it's about knowing who is in my circle of friends and being able to make an informed decision about whether I still want them there.

 

 

This doesn't quite ring true for me. He's your friend. And you never had a sense that he pushes boundaries with women?? Think about it? The way he has talked about women, or the jokes he tells - nothing ever gave you the sense he might be an a**hole?

 

I too struggle that you blame your wife for not telling you. And it bugs me no end that too often men let other men get away with all kinds of trash talking of women and hitting on women even when they have no right to, and they all laugh and think it's funny. Until it's their wife. Their daughter, or sister, or friend.

 

Read what is written above by women. YOu don't understand what pressures are placed on us not to make a fuss when some guy decides he's going to be a jerk and put us in an awkward position. And if we do - somehow the suspicion comes to us, that oh, we must have provoked it somehow. It's no win.

 

You wife has told you. She felt that now it was safe to do so. Don't abuse her trust by making it her fault, or she won't be likely to share these bad experiences with you again. And afterall, you love her. Don't you want her to feel free to tell you everything?

[Clay]

I still think your wife should have told you. I am really trying to understand why she might have been afraid but this guy sexually assaulted her. He should be in Jail and you being told should have been at the top of the list.

 

 

Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot. Your wife found out a woman had her had down your pants. Do you think she would be ok with this in any way shape or form. Can you imagine the fall out of it if you spend any alone time with the other woman and you wife knew what she had done.

 

 

Seems to me these days people will do anything to avoid being honest. Honesty should be in front over everything in a relationship. In this case she not only chose to keep this from you she also chose to ignore her own safety.

 

 

I wish you the best of luck in this. Clearly this is going to be a heated is as demonstrated by some of the posters on this site.

 

 

Clay

[AVarma]

In normal circumstances I wouldn't want to know. No point but this does seem a bit different.

 

1. He's a friend

2. He touched her bare genitals which comes off more like assault

 

At the very least you should get a restraining order. It won't surprise me if this man ends up in jail or on sex offenders list one day.

[sandylee1]

In normal circumstances I wouldn't want to know. No point but this does seem a bit different.

 

1. He's a friend

2. He touched her bare genitals which comes off more like assault

 

At the very least you should get a restraining order. It won't surprise me if this man ends up in jail or on sex offenders list one day.

 

This ex friend is quite something eh. I agree he's a sexual predator.

 

Back to the OP. I think your wife should have told you this. I can understand her possibly not mentioning the drunken kiss, but the other thing she should have said. I know my husband would feel as you do if I never mentioned this.

 

I'd have to say something because my fear would be if I didn't this guy would turn things round and say I came onto him and if I hadn't already told my H, he may well think I was being untruthful.

 

My H isn't at all confrontational though and I don't think he'd go after the guy.

 

Flip this around, if one of my friends came on to my H, I'd expect him to tell me, otherwise it might appear that he was hiding something.

 

I feel your wife was probably in shock though and possibly worried that you may not believe or afraid of your subsequent actions. What a scumbag of a so called friend.

 

I wish you well.

[blueskyday]

My (now ex) husband's best friend came up behind me in the kitchen, grabbed me and kissed the back of my neck. I stormed out of the kitchen, told my husband what happened, and he did nothing! Nothing! Maybe that's one reason he is an ex!

 

It's still the right thing to tell, but I wouldn't tell every time a stranger comes on to me. My now husband can't take it! But if it's someone we know, or if someone touches me, I'm telling! Like the other poster, I also believe in transparency and working together as a couple to handle things.

 

I have encountered much blame in the past when I've been a victim, so I understand why your wife didn't want to rock the boat. Let her know going forward that she is to tell you when someone hits on her. It's your job to protect her. She will understand this.

 

In this case, it was an assault. Your friend is no friend. Tell him he's out of your group. If he ever touches, or even speaks to your wife again, you will use force to protect her. He will understand THAT.

Edited January 2, 2015 by blueskyday

[Mr. Lucky]

I certainly have asked and I am not happy with the responses... didn't want to ruin the friendship, group dynamics etc, it's all been mentioned here, sorry but those reasons just don't cut it with me. Why would I or the group want to save the friendship after he did that to my wife? Why would my wife let me sit around sharing a beer with this "man" after what he tried in her? And now we know 2 other women in our group made the same decisions to not tell their husbands. I find it very unsettling.

 

One thing you should consider, given how this turned out, is that your wife now gets to deal with his assault and your anger. So though she's the innocent victim, trouble, drama and angst on two fronts.

 

Certainly not a great experience for you but twice as bad for her ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[todreaminblue]

i woudl also as other posters have stated be concerned about ramifications and back lashes from telling my partner about a guy who cracks onto me....not being believed for me would cause more damage to me and the relationship i was in than what it would be to tell...........

 

in saying that ...if it got physical and it was a case of a friend of my partners placing his hands down my pants....i would have more than slapped him....so therefore i would have to explain why the guy is having trouble walking properly...so on cases of intimate sexual harassment i would tell...words i wouldnt...deb

[jmanippo]

Are you talking with their husbands about this?What have the general group dynamics been like? Why is everyone so afraid to rock the boat? Are facades important in your social circle? Appearances more important than substance?

 

We've all spoken and we're at a loss as to why this remained such a secret. The husbands who's wives were apparently not approached are frankly having a hard time believing it. It doesn't add up that he would approach some multiple times but not even make a flirty testing the waters type approach on the others. We're also having a hard time believing that the women never spoke to each other about this, a bunch of women who talk about everything but apparently one of the group coming on to them didn't rate a mention?

 

I get you are hurt she didn't tell you sooner however this is not her fault.

 

I have already said I don't blame her for the incident. However you can't overlook the fact that telling after the initial incident would have almost certainly stopped the second incident ever happening.

 

did your wife feel violated? This might seem like a "DUH" question but has she actually expressed this? Chances are, she did feel violated (I sure as hell would have). There is a cycle of blame and shame. She might have enjoyed being fingered (if that really happened) or fondled, etc. and could feel terribly guilty for enjoying what happened up until she realized it was NOT you.

 

That pretty much sums it up. I'm sure we don't need to discuss the detail here but he played with her, she was aroused, she moved his fingers down further, she turned to kiss him and then that's when the **** hit the fan.

 

She is embarrassed, she feels guilty. I have told her that I in no way hold her responsible for the act.

 

This doesn't quite ring true for me. He's your friend. And you never had a sense that he pushes boundaries with women??

 

Of course we did and we often tried to rein him in. He changed a lot after his ex totally destroyed him with her cheating so I sort of understand why he was broken a little. But NOTHING excuses taking it to the level with those that are not just supposed to be friends but your closest friends.

 

And if we do - somehow the suspicion comes to us, that oh, we must have provoked it somehow. It's no win.

 

You wife has told you. She felt that now it was safe to do so. Don't abuse her trust by making it her fault, or she won't be likely to share these bad experiences with you again. And afterall, you love her. Don't you want her to feel free to tell you everything?

 

I don't accept that at all. I have always been open to discussion. My wife could have told me at any point and of course I would have wanted to react to it. If she wanted to keep it quiet or wanted me not to pursue it I would have without a doubt honored her wishes. I would have hoped she would understand and respect that and know that it was true after so many years.

 

I think your wife should have told you this. I can understand her possibly not mentioning the drunken kiss, but the other thing she should have said. I know my husband would feel as you do if I never mentioned this.

 

My biggest issue is that by not mentioning the drunken proposed kiss (nothing actually happened), I wasn't able to protect her from the second incident. I understand women want to be tough and independent in this day and age but sometimes relying and leaning on your man can be an advantage.

 

One thing you should consider, given how this turned out, is that your wife now gets to deal with his assault and your anger. So though she's the innocent victim, trouble, drama and angst on two fronts.

 

There is no anger from me towards my wife over the incident itself. I am angry over not telling which I firmly believe would have stopped the second incident. And if you consider the group as a whole if the first person spoke up many other incidents may not have happened.

 

I see no reason the two separate issues can't be dealt with separately. Why can't I be supportive over the assault but angry over the lack of telling?

 

i woudl also as other posters have stated be concerned about ramifications and back lashes from telling my partner about a guy who cracks onto me....not being believed for me would cause more damage to me and the relationship i was in than what it would be to tell...........

 

I cannot accept this. If my wife is worried about me being not supportive or being angry at her over the incident that happened then she doesn't know me well enough and that is an even bigger issue. She should be able to trust me completely as I trust her.

[Sassy Girl]

We've all spoken and we're at a loss as to why this remained such a secret. The husbands who's wives were apparently not approached are frankly having a hard time believing it. It doesn't add up that he would approach some multiple times but not even make a flirty testing the waters type approach on the others. We're also having a hard time believing that the women never spoke to each other about this, a bunch of women who talk about everything but apparently one of the group coming on to them didn't rate a mention?

 

 

 

I have already said I don't blame her for the incident. However you can't overlook the fact that telling after the initial incident would have almost certainly stopped the second incident ever happening.

 

 

 

That pretty much sums it up. I'm sure we don't need to discuss the detail here but he played with her, she was aroused, she moved his fingers down further, she turned to kiss him and then that's when the **** hit the fan.

 

She is embarrassed, she feels guilty. I have told her that I in no way hold her responsible for the act.

 

 

 

Of course we did and we often tried to rein him in. He changed a lot after his ex totally destroyed him with her cheating so I sort of understand why he was broken a little. But NOTHING excuses taking it to the level with those that are not just supposed to be friends but your closest friends.

 

 

 

I don't accept that at all. I have always been open to discussion. My wife could have told me at any point and of course I would have wanted to react to it. If she wanted to keep it quiet or wanted me not to pursue it I would have without a doubt honored her wishes. I would have hoped she would understand and respect that and know that it was true after so many years.

 

 

 

My biggest issue is that by not mentioning the drunken proposed kiss (nothing actually happened), I wasn't able to protect her from the second incident. I understand women want to be tough and independent in this day and age but sometimes relying and leaning on your man can be an advantage.

 

 

 

There is no anger from me towards my wife over the incident itself. I am angry over not telling which I firmly believe would have stopped the second incident. And if you consider the group as a whole if the first person spoke up many other incidents may not have happened.

 

I see no reason the two separate issues can't be dealt with separately. Why can't I be supportive over the assault but angry over the lack of telling?

 

 

 

I cannot accept this. If my wife is worried about me being not supportive or being angry at her over the incident that happened then she doesn't know me well enough and that is an even bigger issue. She should be able to trust me completely as I trust her.

I dont think shes worried about you being not supportive. I think shes worried she might make things difficult FOR YOU in your friendship group. She may have thought that keeping silent would be keeping the peace and you wouldnt be forced to choose between her and your friends. Add in the shame and guilt of the act and I can see why she didnt tell. She probably didnt see any benefit whatsoever to telling and a whole lot of risk if she did.

[sandylee1]

Again I totally get why you're having a hard time with the situation.

 

Putting myself in your wife's shoes, I can possibly imagine my husband saying

 

'How could you not know it wasn't me' or after all these year of marriage you can't tell my touch'

 

That's what would make me reluctant to say anything, but I'd still have an inner fear of what happened coming out and I feel my only option would be to tell my H. In addition to the fact that I would not be wanting to see this so called friend anymore in the social circle, so yes I would have to reveal all.

 

Another reason I'd say something is that I'd find such a friend a very bad influence to be around my H. The kinda guy who could encourage him to have an A.

 

OP, can't see THAT any man in your position would not be asking why she never told you.

 

I hope you get past this and don't allow the loser to split you up. I truly understand what you're saying and I agree reporting the first incident could have stopped the next. There's no guarantee it would have done considering the fact that he resorted to using your 'thing' to make his next move.

[jmanippo]

I dont think shes worried about you being not supportive. I think shes worried she might make things difficult FOR YOU in your friendship group. She may have thought that keeping silent would be keeping the peace and you wouldnt be forced to choose between her and your friends. Add in the shame and guilt of the act and I can see why she didnt tell. She probably didnt see any benefit whatsoever to telling and a whole lot of risk if she did.

 

That is just a cop out surely.

 

If she told me the choice would be between my wife and a member of our group she claims assaulted her. There is no choice, I would support my wife every time.

 

Even if she spoke up after the first incident then I still support my wife and keep an eye other the other person or drive them away from the group.

 

There is no negative side to the situation unless my wife believed that I would react in a negative fashion and if she believed that then that is insulting to me. Not from individuals on here because you obviously don't know me but if that was my wife's thinking then she should have known better.

[jmanippo]

That's what would make me reluctant to say anything, but I'd still have an inner fear of what happened coming out and I feel my only option would be to tell my H. In addition to the fact that I would not be wanting to see this so called friend anymore in the social circle, so yes I would have to reveal all.

 

This is the reasoning I don't get. You shouldn't be reluctant to tell your husband because you fear the way he might react. You shouldn't be telling your husband because you fear it might come out. Those reasons are insulting at least to me.

 

You should be telling your husband because he deserves to know what someone from the group has done so he can deal with it. You should be telling him because you are confidant that he will support you and deal with the situation in an appropriate way. You should be telling him so that if it does come out he can support you through it. As his wife you should have trust in your husband that he will do those things.

[Anderlie]

you say you're not angry with her for the incident but for not telling you. How is the poor woman meant to distinguish the finer points of what you're exactly angry at her for in the midst of your anger? The point is she's still copping it from someone she is meant to trust for an incident that wasn't her fault. How are you meant to keep her trust when you're punishing her for something as pointless as timing? What's done is done, go support your poor wife.

[jmanippo]

you say you're not angry with her for the incident but for not telling you. How is the poor woman meant to distinguish the finer points of what you're exactly angry at her for in the midst of your anger? The point is she's still copping it from someone she is meant to trust for an incident that wasn't her fault. How are you meant to keep her trust when you're punishing her for something as pointless as timing? What's done is done, go support your poor wife.

 

Well obviously I have articulated the reasons why I am and am not angry, I certainly have not left it for her to guess. And the communication is ongoing, I have not walked away.

 

You say she is copping it from someone she is meant to trust. I find that a bit rich, she was supposed to trust me yet couldn't find it in herself to share when a friend made a move and then even worse couldn't share again when he made a second move which resulted in an assault. Why is her lack of trust in me an issue to be glossed over yet my being upset by that is a real issue to some?

 

You also say "as pointless as timing", timing in this case is everything, had the timing came early on the whole situation most probably wouldn't have occurred.

[denise_xo]

We've all spoken and we're at a loss as to why this remained such a secret. The husbands who's wives were apparently not approached are frankly having a hard time believing it. It doesn't add up that he would approach some multiple times but not even make a flirty testing the waters type approach on the others. We're also having a hard time believing that the women never spoke to each other about this, a bunch of women who talk about everything but apparently one of the group coming on to them didn't rate a mention?

 

I don't know what the best way to approach it would be, but maybe you all need to get together and talk about it with all the women present. Because what's becoming clear is that this is now causing distrust among you at the collective level. That's dangerous. I, too, find it strange that they haven't talked to each other. But you won't find the answer to this problem in the shape of a general answer, there is something about the group dynamics here that are off and I think you need to dig deeper in what that is.

 

 

This is the reasoning I don't get. You shouldn't be reluctant to tell your husband because you fear the way he might react. You shouldn't be telling your husband because you fear it might come out. Those reasons are insulting at least to me.

 

I totally follow and agree with your line of thinking, and I get why it's insulting. However, the reality that many women have faced throughout history is that they tell and get blamed. That history is alive and well also in the present. Women get blamed for being raped, blamed for sexual assaults because they were too drunk/ had a short skirt/ must have wanted it/ must have been in on it/ whatever. I get that you're not like that. But as women we grow up knowing that this is a real threat, and sometimes that threat looms larger than women't trust in their partners, especially when a sexual assault has already made them feel violated, embarrassed and shameful. I'm not saying that's right, and I'm not condoning your wife's decision not to tell. But this is simply a fact which has been documented quite extensively over the years, and you can't ignore that it impacts how women act.

[denise_xo]

One thing you should consider, given how this turned out, is that your wife now gets to deal with his assault and your anger.

 

This is why I occasionally don't tell my H about things that I need support with. He makes some kind of drama and it ends up being me having to deal with his reactions and supporting him, instead of him supporting me in a situation where what I really need, if only for a limited period of time, is his unconditional support.

 

Now, in the situation outlined in the OP, I would not hesitate to tell my H. But I know that it wouldn't necessarily mean that he would provide me with the support I'd need to recover from such a thing happening to me. He would immediately want to physically go after that guy, and I'd have to spend significant time and efforts in talking him out of it so he wouldn't end up in jail. Then I'd have to spend hours and hours dealing with his emotions connected to what had happened. All of that's fine - it's the kind of support I should be providing as his wife and his reactions would be very understandable - but it would mean that I'd need additional people (friends, family) to provide me with the support that I would need to move on from such an incident.

[jmanippo]

However, the reality that many women have faced throughout history is that they tell and get blamed.

 

I'm not sure you can use history as an excuse. Surely we have moved on from that? I can't go out and get a mistress and just say oh well that's what they did back when.

 

That history is alive and well also in the present. Women get blamed for being raped, blamed for sexual assaults because they were too drunk/ had a short skirt/ must have wanted it/ must have been in on it/ whatever.

 

People may well do that but I am not. I have been married 10 years, we have been together 17 years. My wife must have developed a fair understanding of me by now. If my wife wanted to keep it all quiet because of those people then that is fair enough. That is not a reason not to tell me!

 

I get that you're not like that.

 

Thank you, but it seems my wife hasn't worked that out yet and that hurts deep.

 

I don't know what the best way to approach it would be, but maybe you all need to get together and talk about it with all the women present. Because what's becoming clear is that this is now causing distrust among you at the collective level.

 

Things are all hectic over the holiday period but the guys have already discussed it. Two of the wives, the ones that apparently never had it happen to them have expressed that they don't see the need for it and don't really want to participate. All I see is red flags with that response.

[Mal78]

I'm not sure you can use history as an excuse. Surely we have moved on from that? I can't go out and get a mistress and just say oh well that's what they did back when.

 

 

 

People may well do that but I am not. I have been married 10 years, we have been together 17 years. My wife must have developed a fair understanding of me by now. If my wife wanted to keep it all quiet because of those people then that is fair enough. That is not a reason not to tell me!

 

 

 

Thank you, but it seems my wife hasn't worked that out yet and that hurts deep.

 

 

 

Things are all hectic over the holiday period but the guys have already discussed it. Two of the wives, the ones that apparently never had it happen to them have expressed that they don't see the need for it and don't really want to participate. All I see is red flags with that response.

 

It is clear that you are justifying your anger and it's gone from her being violated BUT she should have told me sooner.

 

Please tell me you held her when she told you, told her you loved her and told her that you were sorry you weren't there to protect her out of pure love and understanding vs. A knee jerk reaction of... "WTF why didn’t you tell me??? I can't believe you didn't tell me"!!!!

 

Does every conversation consist of her not telling you? Has this turned around to be all about you and your pride, "you would think after 17 years you would trust/know someone, obviously we have bigger issues if she didn't feel she could tell me".

 

You mentioned mistressas an example to "history being an excuse". It is clear now how you felt she participated and you have equated to cheating because she "lied" in your eyes. If you, in any way feel she has been unfaithful/cheated it's not something you just "get over" you need counciling.

 

To be honest, you come off as a bit of a hot head. Perhaps, regardless of the 17 years you both can work on building trust in your relationship time does not equate more trust. Take affairs for example, you think you know your spouse but after 17 years they cheat on you and all of a sudden all you know about trusting your spouse is thrown out the window. This could happen at 20 years, 30 years....

 

You wife didn't seek out these advances nor did she participate the second she realized it wasn't you she acted appropriately. What this friend did was wrong!! He went beyond appropriate and continued to act inappropriate with your wife.

[denise_xo]

I'm not sure you can use history as an excuse. Surely we have moved on from that? I can't go out and get a mistress and just say oh well that's what they did back when.

 

People may well do that but I am not. I have been married 10 years, we have been together 17 years. My wife must have developed a fair understanding of me by now. If my wife wanted to keep it all quiet because of those people then that is fair enough. That is not a reason not to tell me!

 

Thank you, but it seems my wife hasn't worked that out yet and that hurts deep.

 

Things are all hectic over the holiday period but the guys have already discussed it. Two of the wives, the ones that apparently never had it happen to them have expressed that they don't see the need for it and don't really want to participate. All I see is red flags with that response.

 

To the first bold: I'm not talking about excuses or something that only existed in the past. I'm talking about empirical facts that have been demonstrated through documentation over and over. If you want to ignore those facts, feel free, but that doesn't make them disappear. As I made it crystal clear in my previous post, I'm not saying they pose an excuse for your wife's behaviour. I am saying that they can help explain her behaviour. Those are two different things.

 

To the second bold: Well, she clearly hasn't. And that's the fact you have to face. I get that it hurts and that you wish it was different. But the reality is, she didn't get it, for some reason. Dig deeper as to why and how, and you need to frame that conversation in a way where it isn't about your anger.

 

To the third bold: yes, those are total red flags. Something's seriously wrong with the group dynamics you have going. Why exactly won't they participate? How do they explain that they don't see any need? How do they explicitly justify their reluctance?

Edited January 2, 2015 by denise_xo

[denise_xo]

I don't think you're really here to know why your wife didn't tell you. If I understand you correctly, she gave you an answer to that question before you started this thread. The problem is that you don't accept your wife's answer.

 

The way I see it, there are two possible reasons why you don't accept that answer:

 

1) You think she's not telling you the truth.

2) You believe she's telling you the truth, but you don't want to accept the implications of that answer.

 

If the problem is 1), you need to simply tell her that you don't believe her.

 

If the problem is 2), your focus needs to shift from the 'why, why, why' and 'how could she hurt me like that', to 'how can I strengthen and rebuild trust and openness in my marriage'.

 

You keep mentioning how long you have been married, but trust, openness and intimacy aren't built on years together alone - they're created through our everday interactions.

[toscaroscura]

Also it's not about being with someone for so long and knowing them. Sexual assault is a whole other animal. Even kids with loving and supportive parents keep their molestation a secret from them out of shame. It doesn't make sense to you, but it is what it is. It has nothing to do with the status of your relationship or your trust levels.

 

There is a certain psychology about sexual assault and I suggest you read up on it before you inadvertently cause damage with your reactions. It sounds like you love your wife very much and I'm sure you wouldn't want to hurt her further.

[Mr. Lucky]

Thank you, but it seems my wife hasn't worked that out yet and that hurts deep.

 

Again, she's been attacked but this has become about your hurt ??? And you think that's the most important part of this?

 

Rather than dwelling on why she didn't tell you, perhaps you should think about why she felt she shouldn't...

 

Mr. Lucky

[autumnnight]

I hope your wife can find SOMEONE who will care about her pain and SOMEPLACE she can go for real non-judging support.

[sandylee1]

This is the reasoning I don't get. You shouldn't be reluctant to tell your husband because you fear the way he might react. You shouldn't be telling your husband because you fear it might come out. Those reasons are insulting at least to me.

 

You should be telling your husband because he deserves to know what someone from the group has done so he can deal with it. You should be telling him because you are confidant that he will support you and deal with the situation in an appropriate way. You should be telling him so that if it does come out he can support you through it. As his wife you should have trust in your husband that he will do those things.

 

I agree he deserves to know, but as many here have said this was effectively a sexual assault. You also say later in the thread we've moved on history wise, but women still get blamed for these things. You can choose not to believe this and think that the views here are weak excuses, but it's reality.

 

True story here.

A man's wife was repeatedly sexually assaulted /abused by his own father. She said nothing until he was imprisoned for another sexual assault. He found out and was furious that she never said anything. Her reason's. ......? Fear.

 

I know this is way off what happened in your case.

 

I still agree that your wife should have told you, but for so long now you hear things like 'what did you do to make him think he could do that' or 'something is amiss here'.

Your W probably wanted to forget it ever happened.

 

I've know someone that had her bf's friend hit on her. She didn't tell her bf, but just started going out whenever the friend came over. She avoided places she knew he was at and basically tried to block him out of her mind.

[jmanippo]

women still get blamed for these things. You can choose not to believe this and think that the views here are weak excuses, but it's reality.

 

I don't care whether society would judge, that is not the issue, I WOULDN'T judge and I was the only person she needed to tell.

 

Again, she's been attacked but this has become about your hurt ??? And you think that's the most important part of this?

 

I never said that. What I said before and I will reiterate now is that I can deal with two things at once.

 

The assault which I am supporting my wife through and the not telling which I have issues with.

 

To the first bold: I'm not talking about excuses or something that only existed in the past. I'm talking about empirical facts that have been demonstrated through documentation over and over. If you want to ignore those facts, feel free, but that doesn't make them disappear.

 

I am not ignoring those facts, I acknowledge they have and do exist. They do NOT exist in me.

 

I don't think it's fair for men to change their outdated attitudes towards women but then women keep using those same outdated attitudes as a reason to continue their past behavior. In my case I would not judge (I don't have those outdated views) but my wife seems to want to still judge me like I do (she still has those outdated views about me).

 

Please tell me you held her when she told you, told her you loved her and told her that you were sorry you weren't there to protect her out of pure love and understanding vs. A knee jerk reaction of... "WTF why didn’t you tell me??? I can't believe you didn't tell me"!!!!

 

Look, I'm not a total prick. Of course I held her and continue to hold her, it's not like I have cut off all feelings and all communication and am just sitting outside drinking beer all day. I love my wife and yes I am angry at one aspect of what happened but I am fully supportive about other aspects.

 

You wife didn't seek out these advances

 

I fully understand that. But to be fair she didn't do anything to stop them either, or more correctly didn't do enough. If anyone of them women spoke up earlier a majority of this could have been avoided. I ask myself what if my mate didn't catch his wife cheated with our exfriend? That means my wife and the other probably wouldn't have come clean and this would still be a hidden issue for our group today.