Should you tell your partner/spouse when someone makes a move on you?

[NJtoDC]

So why do women keep quiet to their partners when another man makes a move on them? Doesn’t the husband or fiancé or even boyfriend deserve to know. Even is it is their best friend?

 

Since we are being asked to try and separate the subsequent sexual assault from the original pass made at your wife this is an easy question to answer. Depends on the woman in question is why she didn't tell her spouse about a pass. You'd have to ask your wife to know why she didn't. After hearing her reasoning, if you are not satisfied with her handling, let her know what you'd prefer she do in the future and let her know what reaction she can expect from the confession. Not that I suggest you discuss this any time soon with her because it certainly will feel like sharing of blame for lack of prevention.

Edited January 3, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Rainbowlove]

If there's trust in the relationship, yes.

 

If not, no.

[autumnnight]

In keeping with the topic...

 

If a man made unwanted advances toward me, I would absolutely tell my SO. HERE IS WHY:

 

Because MY SO would support me, would set the other man straight, and I would feel safe telling him. He would in no way blame me, dissect my response, or focus on whether I had invited it, it was my fauly or "I hadn't done ENOUGH to stop it."

 

If I were with a man whose ego prevented him from caring more about me than his image, his pride, or whether or not I secretly wanted it, you can bet I'd never tell him.

 

Is that answer clear enough?

Edited January 4, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[carhill]

I'm unclear; what part of the alleged sexual assault was the responsibility of the OP?

 

I see it this way:

 

The friend is responsible for kissing and fondling the OP's spouse

 

His wife is responsible for however she responded to those actions. His wife is responsible for her communication in the marriage.

 

The OP is responsible for his communication in the marriage.

 

All parties are fully formed adults, have free will and make choices. Those choices have consequences.

 

OP, would you say that, in general, your spouse is communicative with you and trusting of your love and support for her in your marriage? How does that go for you, absent this one incident? Was this lack of disclosure a surprise? Also, the reverse, in that you can share painful experiences and feel loved and supported by her? How does that go? I'm trying to get a barometer on the intimacy health.

[Redheaded Mistress]

So why do women keep quiet to their partners when another man makes a move on them? Doesn’t the husband or fiancé or even boyfriend deserve to know. Even is it is their best friend?

 

In our relationship, I mention if somebody is hitting on me. Doubly so if it it's a friend, relative of his, etc. Like I got a hug and a kiss from his sister's husband... I don't know how to describe it without sounding nuts... But it was a little too long, the hands were a little too low, and the kiss on the cheek I got lasted a little too long... Like, noticeably all of those things. I immediately told my husband. I didn't expect him to confront his BIL, but I did expect that was a tipoff that something was off, I was uncomfortable, and we needed to close ranks. Make sure I wasn't alone with him, etc.

 

In the case of the OP, I'd have slapped him, told everybody in the world (not just my husband) what happened, and I'd have involved the police. That is such a ridiculous violation that it deserves more than a "knock it off."

 

That said, I get that such a thing can be really shocking... Let's be honest, she was sexually assaulted. Everybody responds differently. Shame, embarrassment, guilt... I can understand why she didn't tell initially, but I'd have hoped she'd have told somebody at some point. The fact she didn't, I can get, and I hope her partner can understand too. She's a victim of a sexual crime. Sometimes how victims respond isn't how one would expect them to.

 

I don't think this is a case of "why don't women tell their husbands when guys flirt?" I think this is a case of "why do women who are sexually assaulted fear telling people?"

[sandylee1]

So why do women keep quiet to their partners when another man makes a move on them? Doesn’t the husband or fiancé or even boyfriend deserve to know. Even is it is their best friend?

 

- fear of being blamed

- shame about the incident

- desire to put it at the back of their minds and forget about it.

 

 

These are some reasons, whether the OP thinks they are valid is another matter.

[jmanippo]

I'm unclear; what part of the alleged sexual assault was the responsibility of the OP?

 

None

 

I

The friend is responsible for kissing and fondling the OP's spouse

 

Yes

 

His wife is responsible for however she responded to those actions. His wife is responsible for her communication in the marriage.

 

Yes and yes

 

The OP is responsible for his communication in the marriage.

 

Yes

 

I

OP, would you say that, in general, your spouse is communicative with you and trusting of your love and support for her in your marriage? How does that go for you, absent this one incident? Was this lack of disclosure a surprise? Also, the reverse, in that you can share painful experiences and feel loved and supported by her? How does that go? I'm trying to get a barometer on the intimacy health.

 

This is exactly what I have been trying to explain. My wife and I have gone through heaps of sh*t in our lives, we have shared everything, I have secrets of hers that she had told no-one and vice versa. She has shared with me things a lot more confronting that what happened this time and I have supported her without judgment. She has thanked me to that effect many times.

 

The same is happening with this situation in real life but it's seems people on this forum are quick to judge and jumped on the fact that I was dismissive of the assault on here as a pointer that I am also the same way in real life. No matter how many times I point out they are simply wrong they ignore that because their minds are already made up. It's a pity really because the questions I wanted to ask are unable to be asked because I have already been judged as an unfit and unsupportive husband.

[jmanippo]

In our relationship, I mention if somebody is hitting on me. Doubly so if it it's a friend, relative of his, etc. Like I got a hug and a kiss from his sister's husband... I don't know how to describe it without sounding nuts... But it was a little too long, the hands were a little too low, and the kiss on the cheek I got lasted a little too long... Like, noticeably all of those things. I immediately told my husband. I didn't expect him to confront his BIL, but I did expect that was a tipoff that something was off, I was uncomfortable, and we needed to close ranks. Make sure I wasn't alone with him, etc.

 

This is exactly what I wanted to happen after the first incident and given our past I don't understand why I wasn't told this time. I mean sure I have been given some reasons but they don't add up to me. When the time is right I will be asking for explanations.

 

To make it more confusing 3 people from our circle of friends all had the same type of incident and all 3 decided not to tell initially (remember this is NOT talking about the assault). I find that strange and a little disturbing. I would have thought at least one on the three would have said something.

 

That said, I get that such a thing can be really shocking... Let's be honest, she was sexually assaulted. Everybody responds differently. Shame, embarrassment, guilt... I can understand why she didn't tell initially, but I'd have hoped she'd have told somebody at some point. The fact she didn't, I can get, and I hope her partner can understand too. She's a victim of a sexual crime. Sometimes how victims respond isn't how one would expect them to.

 

While all that is very true it is not what we are talking about here.

 

I don't think this is a case of "why don't women tell their husbands when guys flirt?" I think this is a case of "why do women who are sexually assaulted fear telling people?"

 

In fact it's exactly the opposite. I think we all know the answers to the second one and we all agree. It is not what I am wanting to discuss.

 

It's the first point that I was wanting to discuss and whether it makes a difference whether the flirter is a friend etc.

[jmanippo]

So why do women keep quiet to their partners when another man makes a move on them? Doesn’t the husband or fiancé or even boyfriend deserve to know. Even is it is their best friend?

 

- fear of being blamed

- shame about the incident

- desire to put it at the back of their minds and forget about it.

 

 

These are some reasons, whether the OP thinks they are valid is another matter.

 

I certainly agree that they are valid reasons from a societal sense.

 

I strongly disagree from our own little inner circle (just my wife and I), where based on previous experiences there should have been no fear of any of any judgment. (And just for clarity again, we are talking about the first incident, before any assault took place).

 

In fact no-one else can even judge whether that is true as no-one knows our history together and the incidents that have forged that trust. That is the truth whether some posters here think it's valid is another matter.

[autumnnight]

This is exactly what I wanted to happen after the first incident and given our past I don't understand why I wasn't told this time. I mean sure I have been given some reasons but they don't add up to me. When the time is right I will be asking for explanations.

 

I think this is what most people do not understand - WHY is this necessary? WHY do you need to ask for explanations?

 

You cannot turn back time. It does her ZERO good to dissect all the "should haves" and could haves." I get that many men are analystical and need to know the "why" of everything. The truth is she probably just wanted it to go away. In retrospect, SHE probably wishes she had told you as well. I am all for getting to the bottom of everything, but in this case, considering the assault, I think the bigger thing for you to do would be to be compassionate enough to LET IT GO and focus on helping her. Just that last sentence "when the time is right I will be asking for explanations" sound like:

 

When she gets over her silly emotions I'll be demanding to know why she deceived me.

 

She doesn't need that. And honestly, neither do you.

[Redheaded Mistress]

This is exactly what I wanted to happen after the first incident and given our past I don't understand why I wasn't told this time. I mean sure I have been given some reasons but they don't add up to me. When the time is right I will be asking for explanations.

 

She told you... You got an explanation... So why are you planning on grilling her again about it? Realizing that this is a guy that assaulted her, going after her on why she didn't immediately report to you what happened makes it seem like A, you don't trust her, B, you don't care she was assaulted, C, you are turning what happened to her and her violation into something that's about you and a violation on you. It's not about you. This guy did this to her, not to you. She is the victim, not you.

 

Geez dude, let it go. Support her, let it go, and realize that you're projecting trust issues on her because a guy you both thought was a friend took advantage of the friendship and assaulted her.

 

Honestly, when I read the story the first time I thought to myself that it was weird your dynamics with her are such that you'd do something where you stick your hands down her pants and fondle her even with friends around.

 

To make it more confusing 3 people from our circle of friends all had the same type of incident and all 3 decided not to tell initially (remember this is NOT talking about the assault). I find that strange and a little disturbing. I would have thought at least one on the three would have said something.

 

All three friends had him stuff his hands down their pants? What an odd thing and an odd dynamic you guys all have... Or is it three friends had him hit on them and they didn't say anything? I don't find it unbelievable that a guy who has a history of cheating on his wife hit on some friends, went a shade over the line, got batted down, and nobody said anything because it seemed insignificant at the time. Maybe they thought the situation was resolved, maybe they didn't want to say anything, have a rumor circulate around the circle of friends, then have his wife come and ask them the deal and potentially ruin friendships. You know if she did, he'd claim nothing happened, then she'd want to know what kind of person these friends are for spreading that kind of rumor.

 

It doesn't occur to most people to tell their spouses about everything that happens to them with other people in case it turns out that person sexually assaults them later and the husband demands answers.

 

While all that is very true it is not what we are talking about here.

 

But it is. This guy assaulted her. There's no getting around that. She didn't share it for the same reason many victims don't share it. So what if he hit on her before and she didn't say anything about it? Focusing on that in light of what happened to her is like being shot in the face by a guy but ignoring that and only focusing on how he punched you in the arm two weeks before.

 

In fact it's exactly the opposite. I think we all know the answers to the second one and we all agree. It is not what I am wanting to discuss.

 

It's the first point that I was wanting to discuss and whether it makes a difference whether the flirter is a friend etc.

 

Well you don't want to discuss it, but that doesn't change the fact that if you don't want to talk about it, you're having the wrong conversation. Why do you care if he flirted with her at one point? That is small potatoes to the fact that he sexually assaulted her. None of which has to do with you, by the way, it has to do with her. It was an attack by him on her, not an attack by her on you.

 

Have you contacted advocacy groups for partners of sexual assault victims for support? It may help you process some of this...

[Redheaded Mistress]

No-one needs that sh*t. Frankly your husband sounds like a jerk. As I have already explained that is nowhere near what is happening between my wife and I.

 

Um, that's exactly what's happening. You're doing exactly what you've just called this poster's husband a jerk over.

 

While I think it's sad that other poster's husband reacts that way, I personally find it more disturbing that you're trying to turn what happened to her about you. You need her to stop being a victim and make you feel better. You should be trying to make her feel better, not yourself.

[jmanippo]

So why are you planning on grilling her again about it? Realizing that this is a guy that assaulted her

 

In all seriousness do you have a comprehension problem?

 

I am not going to comment on your post other than that because you are answering questions that weren't asked and focusing on areas that are not the focus of this thread. Something I, and a moderator, specifically asked not to happen.

 

Your post is littered with "assault", "assault", "assault" but as already discussed that is not the purpose of this thread.

 

If you really want to discuss how women react and why they don't tell their partners after an assault then by all means make a thread to that effect, this thread is about not telling after a simple proposition (especially from someone within the group) and with no sexual assault even being mentioned.

[hoping2heal]

If you really want to discuss how women react and why they don't tell their partners after an assault then by all means make a thread to that effect, this thread is about not telling after a simple proposition (especially from someone within the group) and with no sexual assault even being mentioned.

 

Ok, what?

 

You describe a sexual assault in your very first post. How is this not about a sexual assault, when you describe that as what happened in your very first post??

[jmanippo]

Um, that's exactly what's happening. You're doing exactly what you've just called this poster's husband a jerk over.

 

While I think it's sad that other poster's husband reacts that way, I personally find it more disturbing that you're trying to turn what happened to her about you. You need her to stop being a victim and make you feel better. You should be trying to make her feel better, not yourself.

 

*sigh*

 

Please read the thread, specifically my responses where I have time and again explained how and why this is nowhere near the case. You seem to have an agenda you want to pursue (how men/society react to a sexual assault), and while it may be a noble agenda in the overall picture it is not what this thread is about.

 

You are disturbed because you believe I am trying to turn an assault and make it about me even though I have explained why it is not the case. You obviously have chosen to read those posts and ignore them. I am disturbed that you are deliberately ignoring those posts to suit an agenda.

[jmanippo]

Ok, what?

 

You describe a sexual assault in your very first post. How is this not about a sexual assault, when you describe that as what happened in your very first post??

 

I have already gone over this. Why do people only read parts of posts or manipulate what those posts mean to suit an agenda.

 

Yes I did mention the assault in my first post. I have already acknowledged that it was a mistake as people focused on that rather than the question asked which was.

 

why do women keep quiet to their partners when another man makes a move on them? Doesn’t the husband or fiancé or even boyfriend deserve to know. Even is it is their best friend?

 

That was asking about when someone makes a move, NOT after someone assaults which is an entirely different issue.

 

I have also gone on to reiterate the question a number of times and explain that I am not even discussing it (the not telling after the initial approach) with my wife at the moment but rather just wanted to raise the issue here to get others' opinions.

 

I have also explained that I am dealing with the assault separately through other channels but others still want to twist it to make it sound like I am trying to make it about me. If it was up to me I wouldn't even be discussing it at all here (which is partly my fault for mentioning it in the opening post).

 

I'm not sure how people still can't get their head around that after I have explained it more than once.

[Redheaded Mistress]

In all seriousness do you have a comprehension problem?

 

I have given you zero reason to resort to personal attacks.

 

I am not going to comment on your post other than that because you are answering questions that weren't asked and focusing on areas that are not the focus of this thread. Something I, and a moderator, specifically asked not to happen.

 

Your post is littered with "assault", "assault", "assault" but as already discussed that is not the purpose of this thread.

 

If you really want to discuss how women react and why they don't tell their partners after an assault then by all means make a thread to that effect, this thread is about not telling after a simple proposition (especially from someone within the group) and with no sexual assault even being mentioned.

 

I answered the question, and you wildly and enthusiastically agreed with my answer. If you remember, you brought up the assault in the first post as an illustration to your point about women not telling about being hit on. You seem to not discuss it now, which means mentioning it was odd, but more importantly, your not wanting to discuss it doesn't change the fact that you're putting the focus on the absolute wrong thing.

 

You defined this discussion and framed it around her assault. Not us. Don't flip out on us when we discuss it. You can't bring it up and then randomly declare you don't feel like talking about it anymore.

 

Honestly, I think your answer and treatment of us in this discussion probably go a long way to explaining why she didn't tell you. If you result to insults and personal attacks when strangers don't tell you what you want to hear, here's guessing your wife also would be privy to negative treatment from you as well. You clearly have trust issues with her and/or some insecurity in your marriage if all you want to focus on post-assault is how she didn't tell you about some dumb thing that happened before and how that affects you.

 

I'd tell my husband because I trust him, he'd be supportive of me, and he'd make me feel safe. I know that if I told him, he wouldn't try to figure out what I did to invite it, he'd just immediately be by my side in my defense. Given your reaction about it on here, it seems very safe to say you would not react the same way as my husband, here's guessing your wife knows. Here's also guessing she expected you'd react like that other posters husband... You know, the one you insulted and called a jerk.

 

If that's what she thought, I'd have to say her concerns are clearly justified.

[sandylee1]

I certainly agree that they are valid reasons from a societal sense.

 

I strongly disagree from our own little inner circle (just my wife and I), where based on previous experiences there should have been no fear of any of any judgment. (And just for clarity again, we are talking about the first incident, before any assault took place).

 

In fact no-one else can even judge whether that is true as no-one knows our history together and the incidents that have forged that trust. That is the truth whether some posters here think it's valid is another matter.

 

OP,

 

I agree that the husband, boyfriend and fiancé deserve to know. However, the reasons that apply to the society could also be the same reasons for not telling your partner.

 

The drunken kiss?.........She may have thought it was a one off issue because of alcohol.

 

I totally get that this doesn't wash with you and I understand how it feels that she never said anything.

 

I asked a male friend to get his view on this . He said he'd feel let down that his W could not come to him about this. As though she didn't trust him enough. I tried to explain the other side but he didn't buy it.

 

As a woman I've explained my view and bottom line I would tell my H, because he deserves to know. If I got any hint that he didn't believe me, the marriage would be over.

[autumnnight]

In all seriousness do you have a comprehension problem?

 

I am not going to comment on your post other than that because you are answering questions that weren't asked and focusing on areas that are not the focus of this thread. Something I, and a moderator, specifically asked not to happen.

 

Your post is littered with "assault", "assault", "assault" but as already discussed that is not the purpose of this thread.

 

If you really want to discuss how women react and why they don't tell their partners after an assault then by all means make a thread to that effect, this thread is about not telling after a simple proposition (especially from someone within the group) and with no sexual assault even being mentioned.

 

You must have event comprehension problems. The bottom line is, is WASN'T just a simple proposition once an assault entered the picture. You cannot get around the trauma your attitude causes by simply saying "I'm not talking about the assault, I'm talking about BEFORE that." You can't because the assault HAPPENED, and that changes everything...at least it does to a person who cares more about compassion than being right.

 

All you really care about is being right and getting "an explanation."

 

That's like saying, "I don't want to discuss the fatal car crash happened, I only want to know why they turned left on 6th street five minutes earlier." To a sane person, the crash is the issue that should be dealt with, not the red light or what shoes they wore or whatever.

 

If you harp on the first proposition THIS is what she WILL hear:

 

"If you had told me about the first thing, the second thing wouldn't have happened. Therefore, my darling, it is your fault the second thing happened, you liar."

 

You can continue to be in arrogant denial, or you can be loving toward your wife. Your choice.

[jmanippo]

The bottom line is, is WASN'T just a simple proposition once an assault entered the picture.

 

Exactly. 100% correct.

 

I will re-quote it an bold a very important part for you - "The bottom line is, is WASN'T just a simple proposition ONCE an assault entered the picture."

 

Now let's do a timeline.

 

A wife from our group propositioned.

 

A fiancee from our group propositioned.

 

My wife propositioned.

 

None of these people told their partners.

 

This is where and what I want to talk about !!!! At this stage no assault has taken place !!!!

 

A wife from our group cheats.

 

My wife is assaulted.

 

This thread is not about those things !!!! I am talking about the assault in a more appropriate setting.

 

GET IT ?

 

You can continue to ignore what I keep saying if you wish, or you can discuss appropriately. Your choice. But continually pushing your point ad nauseam, the constant repeating doesn't make it any more right.

Edited January 5, 2015 by jmanippo

[Rainbowlove]

Exactly. 100% correct.

 

A wife from our group propositioned.

 

A fiancee from our group propositioned.

 

My wife propositioned.

 

 

I get it. Here's a question for you, still on topic, of course.

 

Did this "best friend" of yours have a history of being a womanizer?

 

My guess is he has always displayed poor boundaries and behavior with women.

 

So why did you think your wives would be different than all the other women he went after?

 

Something to be said about the company we keep.

 

I'm not blaming you for anything. Maybe they, just like you, thought that's just who he is; a womanizer, trash talker, pig and in no way was capable of assaulting your wife.

[autumnnight]

Exactly. 100% correct.

 

I will re-quote it an bold a very important part for you - "The bottom line is, is WASN'T just a simple proposition ONCE an assault entered the picture."

 

Now let's do a timeline.

 

A wife from our group propositioned.

 

A fiancee from our group propositioned.

 

My wife propositioned.

 

None of these people told their partners.

 

This is where and what I want to talk about !!!! At this stage no assault has taken place !!!!

 

A wife from our group cheats.

 

My wife is assaulted.

 

This thread is not about those things !!!! I am talking about the assault in a more appropriate setting.

 

GET IT ?

 

You can continue to ignore what I keep saying if you wish, or you can discuss appropriately. Your choice. But continually pushing your point ad nauseam, the constant repeating doesn't make it any more right.

 

What YOU are choosing not to understand it that it is NOT that simple. You want it to be so you can have your way, but it is not.

 

Your last few responses have illustrated perfectly exactly why if I was your wife, I wouldn't have told you either. There is no way someone with your attitude is supporting their wife compassionately.

[jmanippo]

What YOU are choosing not to understand it that it is NOT that simple. You want it to be so you can have your way, but it is not.

 

Actually it is that simple.

 

Let me give an analogy. Let's say I said let's discuss security arrangements in the US prior to 9/11. If your discussion points were "well after 9/11......" then you would not be discussing the subject asked. You know about 9/11 but based on the question it shouldn't be used as a reference or commented on.

 

In my situation, I'm saying let's discuss why women don't tell their partners after a proposition. If your discussions centre around "well after the assault......" then you are not discussing the subject asked. You know about the assault but based on the question it shouldn't be used as a reference or commented on.

 

I know you get it, you must because it is a very simple concept. I just don't know why you keep going on about it, it's almost like you just have to win the argument.

[Rainbowlove]

I just don't know why you keep going on about it, it's almost like you just have to win the argument.

 

Actually, people have given you a ton of reasons why they kept their mouths shut.

 

But you keep looking for a magic answer.

 

Is that magic answer because they were flattered by him, they wanted his advances, they wanted to be desired by him, they thought he was hot, they enjoyed the attention...

 

Is this what you want to hear? It's was all about them feeling good inside?

Edited January 5, 2015 by Rainbowlove

[autumnnight]

I rest my case. I'm out.