After a 4 yr LD rel, should I finally move--although he never proposed?

[StacyRose]

Hey,

 

I have another question. I have been in a 3 yr ld relationship. And, quite frankly, I've been waiting for this guy to propose, but he hasn't. Recently, as I'm finished school next year, he's brought up me moving there. Saying I'll have to pay half of everything and we're basically going to be "roommates". No mention of marriage, sharing, having a future like looking into buying a house together.

 

From my values, I won't do something as crazy as move thousands of miles AND then live with a man.. who hasn't proposed. But, he does have a point as we met online and never really spent more than a week at a time together.

 

Do you think that within the next year I can convince him to get engaged? Or, is a "rommate " the best I can expect?

 

Thx

[Merin]

IMO 3 Years is to long to be in a LDR with someone you've never spent more than a week IRL with.

[StacyRose]

No no.. the TOTAL is much more than a week. And, during X Mas he comes for 3 weeks, I forgot. The total time we've been together in 3 yrs is approx 3 months (if you add up all the visits)

[Merin]

Originally posted by StacyRose

No no.. the TOTAL is much more than a week. And, during X Mas he comes for 3 weeks, I forgot. The total time we've been together in 3 yrs is approx 3 months (if you add up all the visits)

 

Well honestly.. I still think that 3 months total time IRL spread out over 3 years in a LDR isn't adequate to make the determination if this is the person you want to marry and spend your life with.. while I can agree that in order for this relationship to grow it needs to progress and sure that would mean that one of you would need to move to others State/City/Country whatever the case may be...

 

BUT

 

I think expecting a proposal of marriage under these circumstances isn't realistic and really even if he did ask.. wouldn't be a good idea to accept IMO unless or until the 2 of you have spend more time IRL getting to know each other..

 

Are you just opposed to living together for awhile without marriage?

[StacyRose]

It's all about sacrifice. If I move there and sacrifice my friends, family, whatever I have going on here.. the least he could do would be to propose.

 

Otherwise, I'm just his little puppet doing whatever he wants. I mean, that's what started this LD relationship. The first day we met, he told me I was the one. I've waited 3 years, and he hasn't acted upon those words yet.

 

I'm just wondering if most successful LD relationships result in engagement/marriage prior to moving together. I think it's a necessity.

[Merin]

Originally posted by StacyRose

It's all about sacrifice. If I move there and sacrifice my friends, family, whatever I have going on here.. the least he could do would be to propose.

 

Otherwise, I'm just his little puppet doing whatever he wants. I mean, that's what started this LD relationship. The first day we met, he told me I was the one. I've waited 3 years, and he hasn't acted upon those words yet.

 

I'm just wondering if most successful LD relationships result in engagement/marriage prior to moving together. I think it's a necessity.

 

Well there are so many things I see wrong here..

 

First, he told you the FIRST DAY you met him online that you were the one.. that would've been a big red flag to me..

 

Second.. while I can understand that you've waited 3 years for him to make good on his words to you and it's disturbing to you that he hasn't.. it's more disturbing to me that you've waited for this?

 

The least someone could do is propose? I don't get this... marriage isn't owed to anyone.. and even if he did propose IMO you don't know him well enough in a real life situation to make the determination IF it could be or would be a successful partnership.

 

While I don't know the statistics of the success in LDR with or without a proposal for marriage.. I should think the success of ANY relationship would be in knowing what you might be getting yourself into and with whom...

 

KNOWING the person you plan to spend your life with I think is necessity.

 

Good Luck with whatever you decide to do

[moimeme]

It's all about sacrifice. If I move there and sacrifice my friends, family, whatever I have going on here.. the least he could do would be to propose.

 

You'd be very unwise to want a proposal. Merin's right - you don't know him well enough for that. If you move there, you do it because you want to live there.

 

Otherwise, I'm just his little puppet doing whatever he wants. I mean, that's what started this LD relationship. The first day we met, he told me I was the one. I've waited 3 years, and he hasn't acted upon those words yet.

 

Anybody who can decide that a person is 'the one' online at a distance is not to be trusted, IMHO. In fact I don't trust people who do that meeting IRL either. You need to take time to get to know each other face-to-face - much more than three months.

 

I'm just wondering if most successful LD relationships result in engagement/marriage prior to moving together. I think it's a necessity.

 

I agree you shouldn't move in. Move to that city, get your own place and job, and get to know him. If that's not good enough, then drop him and move on. It would be a huge mistake to make marriage plans at this point. Kudos to him for not asking you to marry him yet. He seems to be sensible.

[StacyRose]

Anyway. He said I was the one the first day we met in PERSON. And, I know another couple who's doing very very well.. and they met online.. and she has a beautiful ring and she's moving in with him this Fall.

 

If he don't propose.. he's history.

 

Thx for the responses girls.

[SoleMate]

He told you "you're the one"? The one...WHAT? The one he may want to have as a roommate after 3 years probation?

 

As Pat Benatar said, "Life is too short, so why waste precious time?" Unless you want more of the same for the next 10 years, possibly followed by a long, slow jilt. (shudder)

[tokyo]

You don't know him that well yet, but you insist on a proposal? How mature is this? Don't you want to be sure that this guy is the right one if you are willing to take the vows and promise to stay with him till death parts? Why are you afraid of moving in with him and see how life with him is? That the dream of the perfect guy you had will not match with the real average joe you see when you wake up next to him every morning?

 

That proposal is just another excuse for you to face that the online dating game is over and that now you will have to get out and see if you two are really such good match.

[RecordProducer]

Stacy, guys always want to live together first and see how things work out then propose. It's a fact. You've been too long together and you want to get married. So it's going to be either his way or your way.

You can simply tell him what you told us, that you won't do anything crazy like moving so far away just to live with him. That you need to have a more solid reason for leaving everything just to be his room mate. Indeed, he could pull your nose for years before he proposes.

I think you should talk to him openly about your future. You have a right to know his plans because they influence your future. He will most likely say something vague like "we'll see after we live together."

I can't tell you what will be or what you should do. Just know one thing: if he is very much in love with you, and you stick to your decision that you won't leave everything just to be roommates with him, he will propose to you.

If he is not really in love then your relationship is at stake. But if he breaks up with you because he doesn't want to marry you, it means he doesn't really love you with all his heart.

Knowing together enough has nothing to do with love. People get married when they are in love. There are so many examples of people who haven't known each other well enough and got married because they were madly in love.

If he tells you that he has plans for the two of you then you might want to see for yourself how things work when you're together. See, my ex-husband and I were friends for 6.5 years. Then we dated for 4 months and everything was great. But as soon as we started living together things became awful and 3 years later we split. Okay, our case was he has a daughter from his first marriage living with him and he expected me to take care of her and replace her mother. I wanted romance and instead of getting it I got a child to take care of. And when he was at home, he would spend all his time with her so I guess I really had a bad luck with my first marriage.

Anyway, you might want to know what he is really like prior to getting married.

And stop acting like a puppy; you're a big doggy now!

[alphamale]

Originally posted by StacyRose

Do you think that within the next year I can convince him to get engaged?

probably not.

 

and by the way, STACYROSE, a long distance relationship is not a real relationship.

[StacyRose]

"You don't know him that well yet, but you insist on a proposal?"

 

 

- I know him well enough. See, instead of just having sex everynight, we actually communicate. And, we have seen each other many many times and get along better than most couples (married couples at that)

 

 

"my ex-husband and I were friends for 6.5 years. Then we dated for 4 months and everything was great. But as soon as we started living together things became awful and 3 years later we split."

 

- See, and after 6.5 years you didn't "know him well enough" to gauge if he was going to throw his chores onto you. 6.5 years, of being best friends!!

 

Is moving in together the only way to know someone? I doubt it. Plus, I've lived with him for short spurts of time and it was fine. He does his own chores and he even cooks for me. THe only prob is that he leaves the toilet seat up but he has 2 bathrooms so it's all good.

 

PS RecordProducer , I"d only be a doggy if I follow some man's idiotic requests. I'm not a doggy, I"m a sexy kitty.

 

PS alphamale A long distance RELATIONSHIP is not a RELATIONSHIP.

Next you're going to tell me that a feMALE is not a MALE

[tokyo]

Originally posted by StacyRose

"You don't know him that well yet, but you insist on a proposal?"

 

 

- I know him well enough. See, instead of just having sex everynight, we actually communicate. And, we have seen each other many many times and get along better than most couples (married couples at that)

You must be very young and very naive if you believe that seeing someone for a week or two and getting along with him means that you are made for each other. I can behave for a week or two, I may enjoy someone's company and support his nerve-wrecking quirks for a week or two, but I may not support living with him.

 

"my ex-husband and I were friends for 6.5 years. Then we dated for 4 months and everything was great. But as soon as we started living together things became awful and 3 years later we split."

 

- See, and after 6.5 years you didn't "know him well enough" to gauge if he was going to throw his chores onto you. 6.5 years, of being best friends!!

Once again, you must be very young and etc. if you think that being friends and living together is the same. Never heard of best friends becoming roommates and ending up with hating each other? And if she knew him in real life for 6.5 years and still not managed to get to know him sufficiently you think that knowing this guy for three years, both of you hiding behind your keyboards, makes you know him??? Excuse me....

 

Is moving in together the only way to know someone? I doubt it. Plus, I've lived with him for short spurts of time and it was fine. He does his own chores and he even cooks for me. THe only prob is that he leaves the toilet seat up but he has 2 bathrooms so it's all good.

What are you saying, girl??? You are talking about vacation, not living together. Wake up and live with him.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by kooky

You must be very young and very naive

 

Once again, you must be very young

hey KOOKY i agree w/ you. its too bad that youth is wasted on the young!

[StacyRose]

what about freaking arranged marriages in India. They work out better than most north american marriages.. and did they live together first???

[RecordProducer]

Hey, Stacy, I am completely on your side. I told you about my ex, because I thought it was relevant. But you missed the point. I am saying that no matter how well you get along as friends or lovers, you will discover completely new things when you start living together. And you might be negatively surprised. I didn't know my ex-husband well although I knew him for 7 years. But just 7 days of living together gave me a clue about what the life with him would be like. Yet we stayed together because I was in love.

But you already made a decision that you want to marry him; that's why I suggested that you tell him that you won't do what he wants. He will either propose or continue the LDR.

What about you going to be with him for a few months? Then you could set your rules on a more solid ground.

[RecordProducer]

Arranged marriages? Would you like someone to pick a husband for you and actually introduce you to him on your wedding day?

I know what you're saying, but random choice brings random success. It's in your best interest to get to know your husband well before you marry him.

[StacyRose]

Yes, I got your point. It's pretty valid. ALthough, I have lived with someone for a year once upon a time.. and I did realize a lot of negative things about him.. but then..if I really thought hard about it.. I saw those things before we moved in together but I was in denial about them thinking moving in together would resolve those small issues.

 

So, it got me thinking, ok what are these small things I'm brushing off now that will come and haunt me in the future? But I can't really think of one!

 

So, the problem is, I"m pretty sure of what I want and if he isn't , it's not my fault. It just doesn't seem natural for a woman to follow some man around when he isn't really doing much in return.

 

Thx for the response RecordPRoducer and ALpha, talk to y'all later.

[tokyo]

Originally posted by StacyRose

what about freaking arranged marriages in India. They work out better than most north american marriages.. and did they live together first???

Um, judging your overall argumentation on this topic I'm starting to think that you are really mature and won't mind to endure the same personal sacrifices as those before mentioned couples in India in order to make this marriage work out. Good luck.

[RecordProducer]

I know what you're talking about. But you can't know anything in life until you experience it. Anyway, the question you posed was how to make him marry you. And I suggested what you might try.

We shouldn't have done all this persuading about how you don't know him well. If you follow him around, you will make it too comfortable for him.

But you should really discuss this eith him.

[tokyo]

I understand that she doesn't want to take such a big risk as moving and leaving her friends behind, but I think the sacrifice that she expects from him is simply to great. She should talk with him about their future and trust him or leave it.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by StacyRose

what about freaking arranged marriages in India. They work out better than most north american marriages.. and did they live together first???

you are comparing apples and oranges here STACYROSE. the indian people and culture has a totally different mindset and philosophy about relationships, marriage and everything else. arranged marriages can only work in a society where everyone agrees to them and where it is ingrained and established.

 

arranged marriages would never work in most of western society becasue the mind set is not there.

 

the other issue is that in india, historically divorce is almost totally unacceptable. although that is changing a bit now.

[nzchick]

How could you want a proposal from someone you havent even spent more than 3 months with? I'm sure you havent even seen him in his grossest days and you want to marry him? IMO you shouldnt want proposal yet... you should want to just move in with him OR move in his town and get to know him in a day to day basis!

[StacyRose]

OMG thanks for the responses guys!!

 

I actually PAID to get consultation from a relationship specialist on the subject (it cost me $50 USD for half hour) anyway.... here's the verdict:

 

He has to propose to me by this x-mas or else I dump him!!

 

So, I was right. Thanks anyway people.