Ladies in your 50s, I need your advice plz!

[rosadeldesierto]

Hi all,

 

This is my background: Thanks to my dad’s genes I am a 48 yo woman who looks like 36. My romantic life has been a big failure. I am not a sociable person. I’m not proud of saying this but I lived in a sort of bubble. I read all those articles about how’s being an introvert… Well that’s me!

 

I had my first bf at 33! Unfortunately he died but I can tell what real love is. 3 years after my loss and having went to hell because grief, I struggled hard trying to repress my need of affection. Being in despair one day I decided to take the risk and ended up having 2 relationships which just gave me tons of deceive and an awfully broken heart.

 

Useless to say that after ex fiancé dumped me, now I’m in panic living the mid life crisis while menopause is around the corner. I have been trying hard to get rid of my needs of affection again and being ok with a life of solitude but I cannot stop feeling myself SO miserable. I try to convince myself that I have no choice but living with no romantic love. Sometimes it helps to think that 1) Youth is fading away fast; 2) My chances of finding decent love again are very slim… 3) I don’t believe in the magic of love anymore but just in a cocktail of hormones which last only 3 years (dopamine, oxytocine, etc.).

 

Here’s the issue: I have a coworker who is 19 years younger than me. We interact only once in a while but I started to notice that no matter what, he always pops up in my way. It took me ages to find out he’s been kind of stalking me all over workplace. I even started to feel paranoid and tried to avoid him like a crazy. For obvious reasons I am a complete illiterate about flirting so I have been doing my research and found that he shows all the signs to be having a crush on me like a teenager.

 

The HUGE problem besides the gap of age is that I also have a bad crush on him. I like him lots. Because my job I use to have coworkers his age. Believe me when I say that I NEVER EVER have been attracted to younger men at all. I have been always conscious about what I want. I mean a future with someone. What I see is that he has a thing for grown up ladies. Maybe he is looking for a mother. He tries to look older as much as he can. He grew up a long beard, likes very old music (we’ve been together listening the Hotel California song!). Whatever it means, I have been obsessing with him awfully. I tried different ways to stop my feelings. I feel like a freak. How it can be? He’s in my dreams all nights. I’m really sick of this.

 

It drives me crazy when I think that maybe I should have an affair with this young guy considering my situation of no chances to find real love again. I know he is going to quit in a few months and leave the country. Life's so short.

 

Do you think that it would be worth it to let him know that I have a crush on him?… I don’t know why I have this need of letting him know… And maybe to spend my last “good looking” couple of years having some fun with him? I know that I’m starving for crumbles of love. I feel pathetic but when I see his loving eyes staring at me then I just forget that while I was getting graduated from College, his mom was in labor having him! Yeah, I could be his mother.

 

Thanks for reading and hugs,

Edited December 31, 2014 by rosadeldesierto
The title looks incomplete.

[USMCHokie]

I am 31 and my fiance is 18 years older than me... Don't handcuff yourself to it just being for "fun." As long as you live your life like you were 20 years younger than you really are (or he lives his life 20 years older.... ), it could work out just fine.

 

She's got the spunk and fun of a 20-something year old with none of the crazy...well, maybe a little bit of crazy...

[still_an_Angel]

 

 

It drives me crazy when I think that maybe I should have an affair with this young guy considering my situation of no chances to find real love again. I know he is going to quit in a few months and leave the country. Life's so short.

 

 

 

 

 

 

But this might be the "real love" you're waiting for. You will never know until you give it a go. Some things in life aren't going to be placed at your feet, you need to work on it to attain it.

[d0nnivain]

You are panicking & because of that it's hard to make good decisions. You have to calm down.

 

 

Make a list of pros & cons. See if that helps you to clarify your thoughts / desires.

 

 

Age differences aren't as big of a deal as they used to be. However, since you recognize that you will not be able to give this guy kids, that will have to be something to discuss before committing to a long term relationship. That doesn't mean you can't go on a date now.

 

 

Another issue to consider is that you work together which is a different set of problems.

[gaius]

Rosa, don't let a good thing that's staring you right in the face go to waste. =/ You only live one life and you don't get unlimited time.

[Satu]

If you see a chance of some happiness take it with both hands.

[melodymatters]

Ha ha ! That's pretty much MY story, or should I say "our" story since I ended up marrying the 20 yr younger guy who had a crush on me at work !

 

Yup, I had been widowed and hadn't even dated in 2.5 yrs when suddenly I felt "ready". I knew "F" had a crush on me and I WAS attracted to him, but I said " Nah, too young, don't go there" and proceeded to go on a string of TERRIBLE dates with men my age !

 

Finally, one day he stopped by my house with some excuse, and we ended up watching a movie and ordering pizza. The next time we hung out we kissed, and then he pretty much moved in by the fourth date !

 

Been married over 3 yrs and yes, he's very mature and i'm... not, lol.

[thefooloftheyear]

I read posts like this on this site all the time....They always start with the "I look soooo much younger than my age"....Its the same old story..

 

 

I know there are some people that post of success stories, and good for them, but Id say its pretty rare that a quality guy thats 20's/30 is gonna want a LTR with a woman quickly approaching a half a century...Lets face it, most of the people that are 20 years apart are so far removed from where they are in their respective lives..I know I didnt want it at that age, thats for sure. And one of the guys that works for me(late 20's) seems to always have older women he dates...He admits he only uses them for sex (and money)because most arent hard to get into the sack..Thats coning right from the horse's mouth...

 

Dont flame me...Just reporting my experiences..Only advice Id give the OP is to not get lost in Dream Land and try to withhold sex for as long as possible and see how willing he is to stay around...That might give you a better chance at weeding out the players..but you just dont know..

 

TFY

[preraph]

I wouldn't rule him out. What you said about his musical preferences tells me a lot, and the beard. For whatever reason in his own background, he feels old beyond his years. And I guess that makes him around 28, which isn't all that young. One usually is approaching some maturity by then. But I think you must right up front be sure he knows your age (because he may want kids and not know you're probably too old for that.) So drop your true age on him some way. If you have to, put up a birthday card, one of those kinds that says "Happy 48th" even if you have to buy it yourself. See if he continues or cools off. You are an unusual person and your love thing happened opposite of most of us. Usually it's heartbreak first and then love. Yours was the opposite, so it was older that you had to learn about disappointment and heartbreak. My guess is he has something unusual in his family background as to why he's presenting himself as older and listening to old music. I have a friend or two who were sort of that way that are quite a bit younger and remained friends over the decades.

 

Be careful of any true stalker behavior, though. It's not a good sign. Him presenting himself in front of you often at work is no big deal, but if you catch him driving by your house or window peeping, do NOT pursue him in any way because that is red flag behavior for sure.

[rosadeldesierto]

Thank you guys! Thanks a lot from the bottom of my heart for your time!

 

USMCHokie, your story is inspiring and touching!

 

still_an_Angel, you gave me tons of insight!

 

d0nnivain, I will take your advice. I am going to write the list.

 

gaius and Satu, those were my words after my first bf passed away.

 

melodymatters, OMG! What can I say? I wish you lots of happiness! I cannot believe I found someone who knows what I’ve been through. It is a relief knowing I'm not alone.

 

thefooloftheyear, I didn't realize there are many stories here which start like mine... lol... Let me tell you that it is a blessing to look younger but at the same time it can be a curse. When I tell the people my real age, I hate they look me like a freak. Long time ago my pictures were rejected in an online dating website because it was not allowed to upload pictures of underage people. Oh, I complained! Regarding my crush, it’s not a secret that his wages are two times mine or even more. It is because the English native speakers are well paid. Believe it or not, I don't even have a car and he already knows it. I am conscious that having LTR with this guy it would be like to win the lottery ticket and maybe I am selfish expecting to have some kind of temporary happiness. I appreciate your advice.

 

Preraph, a good friend of mine told me that too, about an old soul trapped in a young man. I know my crush has been hanging out with many young coworkers and making new friends but nobody has still mentioned he’s a gf. Local coworkers gossips all the time about the foreign staff romantic life. No doubt he is wondering about my age because there have been a couple of times he commented on his but I just said: Oh, I see:confused:… lol… Oh, I know I should tell him my age but IT FREAKED ME OUT! I remember he said once: my mother’s birthday is coming soon. She’ll be 50 yo!!! I should said: Oh, I could be your mom!... There was some other time he was telling me something when he was attending elementary school and said: it was 20 years ago!!! You know? 20 years ago… Hmmm… I should said: 20 years ago I was your age, how’s that? About stalking, no problem. It is just the thing to show up everywhere I go in workplace. Sure it took him a time to learn my schedule and habits. Sometimes I make variations on purpose but he ends up figuring out which makes me think he is spying on me someway.

 

By the way, I was wrong when I said that I was getting graduated from College when he was born. I was starting College. Anyway, it makes no difference I guess:rolleyes:…

 

Hugs to all and Happy New Year, guys! Thanks to you I feel much much better.

 

:)

[FitChick]

The only problem I see is his being a coworker. Anything that happens between you will be the subject of gossip.

[loveboid]

I say go for it. Lots of stories of people who abandon a potential love only to find them again years later. Why wait?

[darkmoon]

you hardly know him, you are rushing things, imaginng whatnot because you want to be close to somebody, am a sixty y o hoping you get a warts and all understanding of him

 

this makes for a good long look at a man who might use you for sex and leave you, even hurt you

Edited January 1, 2015 by darkmoon

[carhill]

Here’s the issue: I have a coworker who is 19 years younger than me. We interact only once in a while but I started to notice that no matter what, he always pops up in my way. It took me ages to find out he’s been kind of stalking me all over workplace. I even started to feel paranoid and tried to avoid him like a crazy. For obvious reasons I am a complete illiterate about flirting so I have been doing my research and found that he shows all the signs to be having a crush on me like a teenager.

 

The HUGE problem besides the gap of age is that I also have a bad crush on him. I like him lots.

My advice comes from two angles:

 

1. Be sure you're comfortable with all aspects of dating a co-worker.

 

2. Rather than focusing on age differences, focus on compatibility factors and accept that the crushes of today can become a myriad of outcomes tomorrow, next week, next year, decades from now. All of those futures happen and all are unknown. Accept that.

 

If you want to act on the feelings of the now, ask him out.

[oldshirt]

I'm not really going to comment on any of the specifics of your scenario. Rather I am going to give you some general advice that you can apply to any situation. First off, never rejection yourself for someone else. What I mean by that is don't take yourself out of the game because you don't think they will have you. Take your best shot and make your best moves and let them reject you if they will but never hold yourself back because you think they won't go for it.

 

 

And kind of along that same line of thought, only reject someone else if you are not attracted to them and/or only if they have some kind of actual deal-breaker such as abusive behavior, criminal activities or past, adulterous behavior, alcoholism/drug abuse etc. If you are attracted to someone and they have no real-life deal breakers - give it an honest try.

 

 

I can tell you are someone that is in your own head a lot and you think about things a lot and research things trying to find the perfect combination to guarantee success. Try to not do that so much and try to fly by the seat of your pants and take some risks. You don't have to be dumb or irresponsible about it, just try to loosen up and be a little more willing to take some risks. Give yourself permission to not have things be perfect. Give yourself permission to fail occasionally.