My six year relationship is suddenly over...need some outside insight

[bdarlin]

So, here is my story...I could really use some advice.

 

I have been dating the man I want to spend the rest of my life with for 6 years. This year was starting year #7. We met in college and we immediately fit together and things were wonderful. Of course we had arguments, but nothing out of the ordinary. We are both the same and different in the most perfect ratio. Marriage has been something we have just been waiting for the right time to do. He was the one who brought it up initially and it has just been the plan ever since. He has even tried to get me to go the courthouse to get married and we have been ring shopping. In 2002 I graduated college and moved to 600 miles away to do research. I consulted him in every step of the decision and he wanted me to go and wanted to come along. He had already graduated the year before and was working on an additional degree. He ended up not finishing until 6 months later so he didn't move until then and he was back and forth about coming or not coming. This caused a lot of fighting between us and tension with his family because they didn't want him to move away. He is an architect and we grew up in the midwest. Not only did I want him with me, but I wanted him to share the opportunity of getting experience in a big city. The time we spent in when he finally did move was perfect. The original plan was that we would spend a year there and find a graduate school that we could both attend. He wasn't ready to apply at this time though so WE decided that I would go ahead and he would finish up his internship and then try and get into that school or a nearby school. I got into one of the top medical schools for my program in the nation and so I moved ~600 miles away from him again. This was also something I talked out with him completely and we came to a solid agreement. Three times he has let me down now. He was supposed to move in February of last year, the August of last year and most recently April of this year. However, he has been given wonderful opportunities by the firm he is with.

 

 

This is where things fall apart....

 

 

 

In the time we have been apart we have seen each other as much as possible and the time we have spent together has not been out of the ordinary. It has honestly been as if we were never apart. We fought off/on about him moving here. It is hard to explain but I was miserable without him and I never would have left if I knew this would happen. Also, He promised me several times that each new time was the absolute latest. Part of me wanted him here so bad and I pushed really hard. The other part understood that this was an amazing opportunity for him and wanted to just drop it and say "just come when you can". However, how can I be true to myself (not letting him lie and break promises) and doing what's best for him. This Christmas, again, things were as usual. I was a little disappointed b/c I thought we were gong to get engaged. He explained though that he wanted to buy the ring with his earned money rather than his bonus. (If you knew him, this does make sense) So, I thought nothing of it and things continued as normal. I went to see him in January and things were fine and on Valentine's day he did something really wonderful even though we couldn't be together. Then, I started talking to him about moving again because April was approaching and I needed to move out of my apartment because it was causing me financial problems and my lease had been up for a long time...but I had been waiting for him.

 

 

Around mid-Feb I found out that he wasn't going to come in April because his project wasn't finished yet and he wanted to see it through to completion. We fought everyday for 1 week before I finally said fine...come when you can. But, I asked for some sort of compromise. For example: I will make sure to see you every month or I will email you more or something small like that....just some extra affection.

 

 

That didn't go over very well...Now I have gone from la la la life is going along to he wants out and the relationship is over. He "accidently" slept with someone. I'm not worried about the girl though and she is moving very far away. He refuses to talk to me as to a reason why other than, "I'm not a good person", "I broke him", "He is taking his life back", and "He doesn't love me anymore". He also has some bull reasons that do not fit me or his actions and I think are more of a front to the true reason. My current hypothesis is that marriage finally freaked him out b/c he started talking about not knowing if he has dated enough. Also, I know I am an awesome girl (yes I see my faults too though) but overall, I think he has lost sight of how unlike other women I am (in a good way).

 

Here is my major question: How do you go from "I'm going to marry you darlin" and agreeing on children's names to this.

 

Question #2: I have never quit or walked away from something I wanted/knew I could do/believed in. I have tried so much in just well I guess it has been about a month. Part of me feels like I may be doing too much and pushing him farther away but the other part of me feels as if there is some window of time that I have to make a move in especially since we are 600 miles apart.

 

 

I haven't been able to be at school or in public even and the longer I am without answers the longer my head will spin and the more risk I run of loosing everything.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by bdarlin

Here is my major question: How do you go from "I'm going to marry you darlin" and agreeing on children's names to this.

 

Think of his love in his heart like water in a big plastic jug. Now, imagine that he allows for a pinhole to form in the bottom of the jug. Every day you look at the jug, and the water looks the same... only over time you think you start to notice the water going down so you talk to him about it, and he refills the jug. Only... he doesn't plug the hole. So, you think everything is ok - and you assume since he filled it up you won't need to check it again. Every day that goes by, more water leaks out. And more. So slowly though, that you can't see it happening and he fails to let you know its happening. Then... one day you notice its only half empty, and the water level seems to be dropping out much faster. Then its nearly empty. You panic and talk to him about it, but by this time so much has already run out that he doesn't see much of a point in filling it up again since he has no intention of fixing the hole. Then, the next thing you know it's empty, and he's thrown away the jug.

 

That's what falling out of love is like. Its a slow process, and you only notice it when its too late to fix. Your partner will not share this process with you, because he - by choice - allowed it to happen. Sometimes if you don't want something fixed, you let it wear out until its broken and you can throw it out. It might still be a functional relationship, but every day brings less of an emotional investment. By the time that jug is below half, this is when you start hearing stuff like "I need space" or "I'm confused" - and it will be the truth. Sometimes 'confused' really does mean 'confused' - the person who is falling out of love doesn't understand why any more than you do and it can be painful and confusing to find yourself falling out of love. They know its happening and they are letting it happen - there may be no 'why'. Just like when they fell in love with you. Once the jug is nearly empty, and the hole is too big - that's when you begin to see your partner as the person who fell out of love with you and the person who fell in love with you is for all intents and purposes is gone. They may cheat, they may lie, they are cold to you. The person who he is without that context of his love for you can seem like a schizo - because he is so very, very different when that context of love disappears. He hasn't changed though - he is just showing you a part of himself that he wouldn't have shown you were he still in love with you.

 

Can it be fixed? Only if you accept that the jug is gone. Your relationship with him is over. But... that's not to say you can't have a new and different relationship. He will not come back to the things that caused him to leave in the first place, though - no matter how good you think those things are. You'll have to find out exactly what those things are and change them. It won't be easy to do, because he's not likely to want to tell you exactly what it is - or it could be that he just can't put his finger on why... but know this. Those things that caused him to back out are his perceptions of those things. If he has it in his mind that he isn't coming back and that those things can't change, then there will be no chance for reconciliation. You can offer him the best, but if he doesn't think its the best for him, then it won't work.

 

All you can do is ask him exactly what it was and whether there is any chance that it can be fixed or changed so that he would be willing to give it a second chance.

[louisclark]

LucreziaBorgia, I get more out of what you write (about my past relationship) then any book out there on the market!!

Thank you.