In a dilemma again about ex MM , just had coffee with a mutual friend

[Dog Woman]

I met up withva girlfriend of mine for coffee. We meet up from time to time. She is also a friend of my ex MM. Havent seen in ages and caught up on all her news. Ex MM got mentioned and she asked if he was interested in me. I dont know much she knows but she obvuously knows something and told me hes not getting on with his wife. I told her he had been persuing me for 3 years but that wed fallen out months ago when I told him never to contact me again because I couldnt give him what he wanted. Her response shocked me a bit as she was advocating that me and exMM could cross the line if thats what I wanted, even using her as the reason for me meeting him. I didnt want to admit that ex MM had already done that. Ex MM and I agreed not to tell anyone but exMM has obviously said something to my friend. I just dont know how much she knows but I can trust her to be discrete. She helped me through my marital prpblems amd divorce. I dont quite know what to make of today but I ended up saying that I wished things were different but I dont want to get involved whilst hes still married. Have I done the right thing?

Edited December 31, 2014 by Dog Woman

[Survivor12]

She suspects & was merely snooping. The comments about MM's wife & what you perceived as "advocating" was intended to get you to trust & confide in her. If he had told her about your affair, she would have no reason to ask what she did.

 

There is also the possibility that she is investigating on behalf of the BS.

 

In any case, it would be in your best interest not to engage in conversation about him. Either say that you don't want to hear anything about him or change the subject.

[Dog Woman]

She suspects & was merely snooping. The comments about MM's wife & what you perceived as "advocating" was intended to get you to trust & confide in her. If he had told her about your affair, she would have no reason to ask what she did.

 

There is also the possibility that she is investigating on behalf of the BS.

 

In any case, it would be in your best interest not to engage in conversation about him. Either say that you don't want to hear anything about him or change the subject.

 

I thought it strange so Im so glad I didnt pour my heart out. She tackled herchusband when he had an affair and put a stop to his extra marital activities. Shes tried to make her marriage work, even though sjes not really happy staying with her husband. Ill keep my NC with ex MM.

[whichwayisup]

She was fishing. The less she knows, the better.

 

And yes, stay in NC mode with exMM. Don't even consider reaching out to him.

[Dog Woman]

Thanks. My gut instinct told me to be careful.

[MissBee]

I met up withva girlfriend of mine for coffee. We meet up from time to time. She is also a friend of my ex MM. Havent seen in ages and caught up on all her news. Ex MM got mentioned and she asked if he was interested in me. I dont know much she knows but she obvuously knows something and told me hes not getting on with his wife. I told her he had been persuing me for 3 years but that wed fallen out months ago when I told him never to contact me again because I couldnt give him what he wanted. Her response shocked me a bit as she was advocating that me and exMM could cross the line if thats what I wanted, even using her as the reason for me meeting him. I didnt want to admit that ex MM had already done that. Ex MM and I agreed not to tell anyone but exMM has obviously said something to my friend. I just dont know how much she knows but I can trust her to be discrete. She helped me through my marital prpblems amd divorce. I dont quite know what to make of today but I ended up saying that I wished things were different but I dont want to get involved whilst hes still married. Have I done the right thing?

 

This "friend" seems sketchy in my opinion. Something sounds off about that whole thing. Like who volunteers to be used as an excuse for an affair. I understand it being one thing if your friend was already in it and you allowed them to occasionally use you as an excuse, although personally I wouldn't put my friend in the position and would feel odd if they asked, but o suggest they start an affair and use you as the decoy... Very strange. It doesn't seem like advice from a caring friend but one who might thrive on second-hand drama or is fishing for info, where she suspected the affair and is trying to get you to spill it. ALL of this immediately raised my spidey senses.

 

Look, you left MM behind for a reason, this "friend's" ideas don't change those reasons and I think you're right about not trusting her to be discrete. I'm not sure what you mean by have you done the right thing. Because if the right thing was to decline an affair and decline using this "friend" as a decoy to jump back into the same situation with MM, then that's a no brainer. I also am not sure what the dilemma is. Nothing this woman said IMO should change what you've been doing. This isn't really a dilemma IMO.

 

If she is so helpful and is blabbing MM's marital business, maybe she can give him the number to a therapist and an attorney instead of meeting with you to encourage an affair IMO. That seems like something more constructive.

Edited December 31, 2014 by MissBee

[bathtub-row]

You absolutely did the right thing. I think Survivor has a point about your friend possibly fishing for information for the wife. Whatever the case, don't admit to anything because, even if you and xMM get back together a year or two down the line, the fewer number of people who know about your affair, the better. Also, please don't let this information give you hope or to start thinking about getting back with him. Make sure he's divorced and has had time to re-group before getting involved with him again.

[Dog Woman]

You absolutely did the right thing. I think Survivor has a point about your friend possibly fishing for information for the wife. Whatever the case, don't admit to anything because, even if you and xMM get back together a year or two down the line, the fewer number of people who know about your affair, the better. Also, please don't let this information give you hope or to start thinking about getting back with him. Make sure he's divorced and has had time to re-group before getting involved with him again.

 

All yesterday did was stir a few memories and emotions. I've got no intention of getting back with exMM at this point. I was left with a question though and most of you have answered it - she was fishing. It has occurred to me though that she wasnt fishing forvhis wife but for my exMM and that exMM was using my friend as a means of making contact again. He has no other avenues, Ive blocked them all. A responder to another thread I posted (about exMM persisting contacting me) said that if exMM was determined enough he would find some way of suceeding. If exMM was using my friend or if my friend was fishing for his wife, my message was clear to both - Idont want to get involved with exMM.

Edited January 1, 2015 by Dog Woman