Anxiety & difficulty accepting happiness/love

[Eighty_nine]

First of all, I'm in a great relationship. Maybe the best one I've been in since I was with my high school sweetheart 10 years ago. Granted, we've been dating only for 2.5 months. Still, these have been the best 2.5 months of any new relationship I've been in aside from my first love.

 

He and I have a lot of chemistry, we're both intellectual and challenge each other, we have great sex, and most of all-- we have tons of fun together. When we're alone, when we're out, when we're with others; it's always fun. It's so EASY. He is very kind, thoughtful, and really listens to my feelings about things. He remembers details about my thoughts and interests and feelings.

 

I leave him feeling happy and wonderful every single time. He's the one who brought up being exclusive, he asked me to be his girlfriend, and he's affectionate and caring without every being overboard or clingy. He drove 2 hours each way (in one day) to have Christmas dinner with my family. Yesterday we exchanged presents and his gifts to me were funny, sweet and thoughtful. They were perfect.

 

So what's the problem? For 3 years I was with someone I wasn't in love with, who also didn't treat me well. In his defense, I think he knew I wasn't in love with him and this is part of the reason he treated me so poorly at the end. I FINALLY got the nerve to end that, and immediately started sleeping with a friend of mine.

 

I fell in love with said friend; but he treated me absolutely horribly. We'd text all day, spend lots of time together, have mindblowing sex and the next morning I'd get a text from him saying "I don't have feelings for you, I'm sorry" or "We have to stop," etc. Then he'd apologize, take it back, and like an idiot I took HIM back. This cycle went on for 10 months until he finally completely ditched me for some other girl (after lying to me about her existence). I was devastated (she proceeded to dump him a month later ) He came back into the picture a few months later and I allowed him to do the same garbage routine all over again until i FINALLY cut him off. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life.

 

 

Then I meet my boyfriend two months later. He makes me so incredibly happy, but I'm anxious all of the time when we're not together. I'm waiting for something to go wrong- trying to find proof he doesn't feel the way he says he does... I have ideas in my head that maybe he's seeing other girls, even though he has NEVER EVER done ONE thing to suggest he's being dishonest with me. My anxiety is at times, through the roof, and sometimes I feel utterly panicked about losing him. The more I feel for him, the worse it is. He is always up for seeing each other, but I try to leave a couple days between hang outs because I know I should be taking this somewhat slowly. It's getting hard to do that now though, because I'm totally falling in love with him.

 

I keep this anxiety mostly to myself; he knows I've been hurt, but not to the extent that it's affecting me now. My roommate and best friend is at her wits end with me. She sees that this man is falling in love with me but is constantly having to talk me off a ledge of paranoia.

 

I have a counselor, but was thinking of seeing my doctor re: anxiety. I want to look into natural methods too, maybe meditation.... I'm actually genuinely a bit worried about myself. I had no idea how much the dishonesty of my last relationship affected me until I got into a new one.

 

This relationship is just getting better and better, and we're getting closer and closer. I'm so worried I'll ruin it with my baggage.

Edited December 31, 2014 by lissvarna

[losangelena]

Oh yeah, I can totally relate. I've struggled with anxiety and codependency my whole life and it can definitely drag a relationship down. My guy and I are four months in, but it wasn't until about a month ago that I stopped worrying that he was just gonna drop me like a hot potato.

 

Do you know anything about attachment theory? I stumbled on it earlier this year, and it helped me understand myself and my relationship anxiety much more clearly. Are you anxious in other areas of your life, or just with relationships?

 

Have you and your counselor discussed why you felt compelled to stay with men who you didn't love, or who treated you badly, for so long? You seem to bounce from one relationship to another—are you comfortable with being alone? Have you discussed issues of codependency?

 

If these kinds of irrational thoughts plague you, you might do well with cognitive behavioral therapy. It helps you challenge your negative thoughts and replace them with more logical, productive thoughts. Meditation also works (I used it as part of my anxiety treatment a few years ago).

 

As far as your relationship with this guy, I'm all for transparency, but I also feel like you don't necessarily need to let him see this side of you so soon. Do not act out your relationship anxiety towards him. It sounds like you don't already, given the fact that your roommate is ready to kill you.

[FitChick]

I sent you a PM (actually two) regarding a quick way to eliminate anxiety that has worked for me and tens of thousands of others.